Probably a really weird title, but it's the truth. Both of them saved me from panic attacks today. Boyfriend's been in Afghanistan for almost 4 months, and while we talk a lot, I didn't realize how much not getting to see his body language and feel his touch would affect me. I'm trying to make future plans, and I want him to be included in those. Over the past few days I'd become fearful that maybe he wasn't still planning to include me in his future plans. (He had not done anything to make me feel this way or given any indication that he loved me any less - this was just an insecurity on my part.) I sent him an e-mail asking him if he could call me on the phone this weekend. He responded and said he would call tonight.
I tried to get my thoughts together today about what I needed from him, what I wanted to share with him, all the different things/scenarios I'm thinking about. The more I thought about it, the more came into my head. I wrote it all out, but that only served to make me think about it more and bring up more questions. Looking at everything I was potentially considering telling him and asking him started to freak me out b/c I became afraid that I would overwhelm him or scare him and ruin the best thing in my life right now. I was looking for a little clarification and so many of my thoughts and fears where coming forward that it turned into more of wanting to share things or ask for things that I don't really need to right now.
I called my therapist at 3:45pm today hoping to leave a message to see if she had time to talk on the phone before my talk with boyfriend tonight. To my delight she answered her phone and had 45 minutes until her next client. My work is close to her office, so I asked if I could come by and talk to her in person, she allowed me to. It helped me to be able to show her all the craziness I'd written out and tell at least one person everything that was running through my head knowing I wouldn't freak her out. She then helped me sort through all the craziness and figure out what I really needed/wanted right now and what didn't really matter. She also helped me find the right words, expressions, and phrases to say what I want to say in a good way. She says I'm a fast learner, but I took notes while we were talking, so I had her words right there in front of me when I was on the phone with boyfriend. :)
Talk with boyfriend went great tonight! I stayed with the few topics therapist and I said were most important to know for now. I used words that didn't portray I was looking for anything specific, i.e. a lifelong commitment, but was still able to convey how much I really do love him and care about him. I knew it deep down, but it was really nice to hear him say the same back to me. He's much better at showing me than telling me, which is fine when he's in the States, but doesn't work so well when he's in Afghanistan. And the best part... we're still thinking along the same lines for our future...... marriage one day. Neither of us are rushing that, but we both want it. That makes me so excited!!!!!!!!! How can this awesome guy after 10 months still consider me marriage material and say he cares about me more and more everyday? I am so blessed!!!!
Anyways, what started off as an anxiety-filled, obsessive thinking day, is ending with lots of good feelings, peace, love for my boyfriend, and an ever increasing level of gratitude for my therapist.
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