Excellent Vacation!

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of events! Boyfriend was in the States on his R&R, and I spent the entire time with him. We traveled to Colorado for his brother's wedding, to Maine to spend more time with his parents, and spent the last 5 days at home just hanging out with friends and getting some good time just the two of us. I dropped him back off at the airport this morning for him to return to Afghanistan for the 2nd half of his deployment. Saying good-bye was sooo hard, but I'm doing pretty well right now. I think that's because I'm working on planning our future together. On Tuesday boyfriend proposed and is now my fiance!!!! We are getting married May 2010, so between wedding planning and school, the 2nd half of fiance's deployment should go pretty fast. Now that I'm not completely distracted by the love of my life, I'm trying to going to try to get back into therapy and blogging. I took a 2 week break from both. At the top is a picture of my ring. I absolutely love it!!!!!! (I tried to post the pic at the bottom, but am sadly blogger challenged and couldn't find a way to move it to the bottom) Going to take the rest of the weekend to chill, and then hit the ground running again on Monday. I can only imagine how parts are going to react to the engagement when things slow down enough for everything to sink in. Probably will have lots to blog about in the coming weeks. :P

Touching base

Hey everyone! Just wanted to touch base and let you know that my first week of vacation has gone pretty well. Seeing boyfriend has been absoultely wonderful for the most part. We've had a lot more feelings and emotions than anticipated. So far we're just containing them. I am sure we will have plenty to process and blog about after boyfriend is re-deployed at the end of next week. Still have lots of questions and very little answers from him..... Just a "trust me a little while longer." Ummm, trust? Hi, I'm your girlfriend of over a year, have we met? Trust?????? Blind trust????? Anyways, just been containing as much as a can and trying not to stuff everything. Plan to talk to him before he flies out next Friday if he hasn't brought anything up by then. We'll see.

I've also decided, vacations are great, but I'm not into long vacations like this one. I feel so out of touch with everyone that I care about. We've done a lot of neat things, and it's been a blast, but I'm actually ready for my routine again. At least I'll be home at my place with boyfriend starting Sunday afternoon. I miss my friends, my computer time (I only seem to be able to get online after everyone else goes to bed. They've been keeping us really busy), down time, phone time.

To those of you whose blogs I follow, I am out of the loop and I apologize. I pray each of you are hanging in there the best you can and still fighting. I know there is no way I could do this alone!

I look forward to being able to write a real update and catching up with everyone else. Until then, may God grant you peace!

1 Year Together

Seems like I've been recognizing a lot of anniversaries lately, but today's is one I'm particularly happy about. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year today and are still going strong! In fact, things are going better than I ever dreamed they would. We're starting to talk marriage and rather than freaking out about, the topic really excites me.

Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.

Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)

He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.

One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)

Am I missing something?

A friend of mine's dad committed suicide yesterday. Am I missing something here? It's been less than a month since my cousin committed suicide, and I know a few other people who have had unsuccessful attempts in the last few months.

I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.

Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.

This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?

I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)

Drained

I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I find myself depressed and drained..... like I can't understand where the feelings are coming from. It never fails, when I actually sit down and talk things out, I can find enough small things going on that total up to feel rather overwhelming. Today was one of those days. I was blessed that it was a therapy day b/c I got to talk through a lot of things and get feedback. I like therapy days where I walk out feeling much better than I did going in. It's much better than days where you go in feeling good and walk out feeling horrible.

It's been raining here for days and days. I haven't talked to my boyfriend in a week. I'm really struggling with feeling insecure right now too. Some of it is that I'm having more memories about my time with Dr. M, since I found out she was moving here. Some of it is because some good friends who have been with their therapists longer than I've been with mine are having trust issues with their therapists right now. My mind knows their issues do not reflect my relationship with current therapist, but my feelings and the fear don't agree.

The need to perform perfectly right now in order to gain acceptance is so great. The fear that if I'm not doing the absolute best I can, means those I care about will leave me or hate me keeps me constantly on my toes. It's wearing on me. I don't want to "perform" anymore. I just want to be "me/us" and have that be enough. It never feels like enough though. I asked therapist today if we'll get to a point where just being us feels 'good enough'. She believes we will. To us it feels like one of those lofty out there goals that moves every time you try to reach for it. Like it's a nice goal, but one you can never attain.

How many times do you ask for reassurance? How many times do you "test" someone before you can be sure they love you for who you are - bad with the good? Is that ever possible? Is that even something we can get from someone else or is it one of things we have to find internally and believe before anyone else can give it to us?

Too many questions. So few answers. And so much work to do inbetween.

Just saying hi...

Not much to write about. I'm not complaining for sure. Just wanted to check in. I know my last few posts have been pretty intense, so I wanted to write a short little entry to say I'm still hanging in there. I actually even managed to have a decent weekend this weekend. Fingers crossed that it will continue into the week.

On a positive note, I bought a plane ticket tonight to meet my boyfriend in Denver on June 11!!! That's where he's flying into for his R&R. I'll get to spend two whole weeks with him before he has to go back to Afghanistan!!!

hold on and fasten your seat belts!

So, why does no one tell you what a rollercoaster ride life is once you finally reach a place to have ups and downs? It might have been nice to expect major ups and downs in such short periods of time. I don't know. Maybe this isn't normal yet. Hopefully they won't always be this extreme!

After therapy Monday and all day yesterday, I bottomed out. I was soooooo depressed. Parts were really wanting to self-injure and having suicidal impulses. We were able to stay safe, but it was a really low place to be in. Tempy helped me some last night by reminding me of things I know and better ways to cope. I think that let me get a decent night's sleep which helped.

Today I wake up to a package from my boyfriend - a tank top and a shirt that both read "Soldier's Easter bunny." They're very cute. There was a note in the package saying how much he missed me and loved me and how he couldn't resist getting me the shirts. Anything he sends me feels like winning the lottery inside. I actually got to talk to him on google chat this morning too. He told me he's 99% sure his 2 weeks of R&R are going to be in early-mid June now instead of mid-July. That's a whole month earlier I'll get to see him!!!!!!!! It's warm and sunny today. Everything feels great. I feel on top of the world.

Actually, I feel so happy and excited, it's almost uncomfortable. I don't know if this is how everyone experiences it, but excitement and anxiety feel virtually the same to me. The only way I can distinguish is by the situation I'm in. I mean, excitement is good and all, but I sure would pop an Ativan right now to get it to chill out some if I had any.

I'm not complaining for feeling good again (other than it's a bit uncomfortable), but the major swing from wanting to die to being excited about being alive in the past 48 hours is rather draining. Surely this isn't how everyone experiences life. I think everyone would be exhausted all the time! I have therapy tomorrow evening, so I expect to be down in the dumps again by tomorrow evening. Blah!

Think I'm really going to have to learn better how to just live in the moment.

I'm an idiot!

My sweet boyfriend sent me a gift package from Bath & Body Works today. It's this incredibly cute canvas tote an inside was a set of four Bath & Body works products all scented Japanese Blossom. Now, I struggle with strong fragrances and some flower scents in the sense that they can be very triggering smells for me. I'd never smelled Japanese Blossom, so rather than doing the smart thing and spraying the body spray into the air and smelling it, I go ahead and spray it on my wrists to smell it. It is a wonderful smell, but it is triggering the mess out of me at the same time. Boyfriend is not aware of my sensitivity to perfumes/colognes b/c the kind he wears wasn't triggering to me, so I never said anything. I don't blame him at all, and I think I can go to B &B Works and exchange the items for a non-triggering scent. He is so good to me.

Here's the deal. Since I had to try something on, why didn't I try the lotion or the body gel? They would have been easier to wash off. Then I would be sitting here at my desk 2 hours later trying to keep my hands as far away from my face as possible. I'm my own walking trigger today. Smart.... real smart!

I love my boyfriend and my therapist!

Probably a really weird title, but it's the truth. Both of them saved me from panic attacks today. Boyfriend's been in Afghanistan for almost 4 months, and while we talk a lot, I didn't realize how much not getting to see his body language and feel his touch would affect me. I'm trying to make future plans, and I want him to be included in those. Over the past few days I'd become fearful that maybe he wasn't still planning to include me in his future plans. (He had not done anything to make me feel this way or given any indication that he loved me any less - this was just an insecurity on my part.) I sent him an e-mail asking him if he could call me on the phone this weekend. He responded and said he would call tonight.

I tried to get my thoughts together today about what I needed from him, what I wanted to share with him, all the different things/scenarios I'm thinking about. The more I thought about it, the more came into my head. I wrote it all out, but that only served to make me think about it more and bring up more questions. Looking at everything I was potentially considering telling him and asking him started to freak me out b/c I became afraid that I would overwhelm him or scare him and ruin the best thing in my life right now. I was looking for a little clarification and so many of my thoughts and fears where coming forward that it turned into more of wanting to share things or ask for things that I don't really need to right now.

I called my therapist at 3:45pm today hoping to leave a message to see if she had time to talk on the phone before my talk with boyfriend tonight. To my delight she answered her phone and had 45 minutes until her next client. My work is close to her office, so I asked if I could come by and talk to her in person, she allowed me to. It helped me to be able to show her all the craziness I'd written out and tell at least one person everything that was running through my head knowing I wouldn't freak her out. She then helped me sort through all the craziness and figure out what I really needed/wanted right now and what didn't really matter. She also helped me find the right words, expressions, and phrases to say what I want to say in a good way. She says I'm a fast learner, but I took notes while we were talking, so I had her words right there in front of me when I was on the phone with boyfriend. :)

Talk with boyfriend went great tonight! I stayed with the few topics therapist and I said were most important to know for now. I used words that didn't portray I was looking for anything specific, i.e. a lifelong commitment, but was still able to convey how much I really do love him and care about him. I knew it deep down, but it was really nice to hear him say the same back to me. He's much better at showing me than telling me, which is fine when he's in the States, but doesn't work so well when he's in Afghanistan. And the best part... we're still thinking along the same lines for our future...... marriage one day. Neither of us are rushing that, but we both want it. That makes me so excited!!!!!!!!! How can this awesome guy after 10 months still consider me marriage material and say he cares about me more and more everyday? I am so blessed!!!!

Anyways, what started off as an anxiety-filled, obsessive thinking day, is ending with lots of good feelings, peace, love for my boyfriend, and an ever increasing level of gratitude for my therapist.

Unsettled

So, I'm a planner. I like to have a basic plan of where my life is going in order to see that it can work out. I'm okay if things change from my original plan and work out differently. I just need the plan b/c my anxiety is much less when I see that things can work out. Too much in my life feels unsettled right now. I can' t make the things in my life fit so I know everthing can work out. Too much is up in the air and out of my control. I hate this feeling. It's kind of a cycle b/c my increased vulnerability from Angel makes me more anxious about not having control over the rest of my life, and not having control of lots of my life right now makes me feel more vulnerable.

I so want to be able to "go with the flow." With the little things I can, but with major life issues I can't. It is too complicated and detalied to try to explain it all b/c that would require me to explain all of my obsessive, circular, rational, and irrational thoughts, and I don't think I'm capable of explaining that. So, here's the quick rundown.

1. My job - the study I am working on is coming to an end in July. There will probably be work for me to do until Dec, but then I'm going to have to switch to another research study or find a new job. My other research options are not appealing in the least, and my boss thinks I should apply for a research coordinator position. That would be good if I ever wanted research to be my career. This was my job to move me to town, I never even planned to be in this job this long. I like my current job okay, but the end is in sight. I've applied for several jobs over the past 2 years, and while I come close, I never end up getting the position. It's not so bad that I'm feeling pressure to find a new job, but the fact that I'm back in school and dating a boy who (when he returns from Afghanistan) lives an hour away make it more complicated as to what type of jobs i can apply for and where I should possibly be applying.

2. Every day that goes by I fall more and more in love with my boyfriend. The thought of losing him literally petrifies me now. I would like to move to the town that he lives in when he returns in Dec, but I wonder if that is crazy b/c we haven't made any permanent commitment to each other. And I found out last night that he will probably only live there for a year after he returns before he will be stationed somewhere else. The university I'm attending is in his town, but the main reason I would move would be for him. Otherwise, I would just stay where I am now and commute to classes. I am settled here, and I have more of a life here. It's hard to talk about forever when we only get to really talk once every two weeks or so. We have e-mail and instant messaging, but it's hard to have real conversations through those modalities. If I was sure we had a future, I might get a job in his city now b/c it would increase my job market, and I would be closer to school, but I would be all alone there for 6 months until he returned. That seems too scary of a step to take with no reassurance.

3. Then there's school. Say boyfriend and I do work out and end up married in a year or two. Well, then I will be moving when he moves (which would make me very happy), but there is no way I would be able to finish my degree before we move. Most grad schools will only transfer 9 hours from a previous school, so now I'm thinking that maybe I need to stop taking classes once I reach 9 hours in case we move, so I'm not throwing money away. Then I think, that's stupid! Why am I planning all of these things around someone I don't even know I'll survive deployment with?????

4. And then one lovely thing for me to throw on top of all of that and worry about is that if I do marry bf and we move, I won't be able to see t face to face anymore. That's at least 18 months from now and t and I are working on plans to continue working together even if I don't live in the same city. So why is this even an issue??? I don't know, but it is and we're anxious about it.

In my dream world, bf would come home from Afghanistan safely. We would get married. I could quit work and go to school full-time and finish my degree quickly, but we would still stay around here for a few more years before we moved and I could see my t face to face for a longer period of time.

There is the possibility that this could happen, but it is only a possibility, so I can't say this is my plan. I have not talked to bf at all about this yet. Well, I've talked about moving to his town, but not about our long term plans. And I can't just plan to stay put b/c my current life won't allow for that, and I won't want to assuming bf and I stay together. I think I'm mostly feeling frustrated and anxious b/c I feel like I need to make decisions now about things that I don't have enough info on and won't for awhile still. I'm doing my best to turn all of this over to God and trust that he knows what's best and will work everything out, but it's sooooooooooo hard. Without a direction, I feel like I'm wandering aimlessly and at the mercy of everything around me. This makes the vulnerability feelings worse and the cycle continues, growing in strength.

Today all of my needs are being met. I have a job. I see my t face to face tomorrow. Bf and I are doing well even though he is far away. Why can't this be enough? Why can't I just be happy right now. Why can't I be okay with the unknown? Why does it make me feel so unsafe and so vulnerable?

I wish there was a button where I could just turn my brain off for awhile and rest...