Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.
I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.
My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Showing posts with label husband. Show all posts
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Insurance Co - Win, Patient - Lose
After a 9 month of petitions, correspondence, phone calls, e-mails, faxes, and waiting, my insurance company finally responded to my request for them to cover Therapist. Well, they're response is to not respond. Therapist finally got to talk to someone yesterday afternoon who gave her a direct, indirect answer.
See, my government health insurance divides the US by regions. When I moved to live in the same city as husband (even though I'm still in the same state), I was considered (by my insurance) to have changed regions. Now I live 10 miles outside of the region that Therapist is covered by. I am 40 miles away from Therapist, but if I lived 10 miles further South, they would allow me to see her and cover me. Now, it's taken 9 months to get this much information from them. The only reason we know this much is because Therapist continued to contact them b/c they were not responding to any of our submissions - either from her or from my PCP. When Therapist talked to them yesterday, she was told that they would never have contacted her or me or ever sent me a denial letter. Apparently my request is just automatically voided because I live in a different region that she practices in. I can't even get a denial letter. And we wouldn't have gotten any explanation if therapist hadn't been so persistent. I now know that for them to approve her, I will have to get written documentation from every provider in my region saying they can't or won't treat me. So, if someone 5 hours away (but in my region) agrees, I can drive 5 hours to therapy and they'll pay, but they won't pay if I drive 40 minutes in the 'wrong' direction to see Therapist who I've been with almost 5 years.
What pisses me off more than anything, isn't that they won't cover me (and that pisses me off A LOT). It pisses me off that for 9 months we haven't been able to get a direct answer out of anyone, and they think an acceptable answer is no response at all. Just ignore the request and hope I give up eventually? See, if they give me a denial letter, I have the right to appeal and submit paperwork to present my case. But if they don't respond at all, then I can't appeal and they don't have to grant coverage either. Glad to know the government is really looking out for the mental health of deployed soldiers' families like they claim to be...
Maybe government health care is more affordable. I can go to the doctor whenever I need to and not worry about cost. I do appreciate that. However, I didn't get to choose my doctor - any of my doctors for that matter. And when I really need specific help from a specific provider that my insurance recognizes in another region, I'm not even given a chance to present my case. Heck, the people reviewing my case probably don't even know what DID is, so how are they gonna understand the importance of working with a therapist that we trust?
I think I need to stop for now. I'm liable to post some not nice things that I'll wish I hadn't later. I'm feeling bitter about a lot of so called support I'm supposed to be getting while my husband is risking his life to keep our country safe that I'm not seeing, and this is just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't regret the life my husband and I have chosen. I am so proud of him for what he does. It's just frustrating to hear the government say they're gonna cut you a break, and instead feel you're being treated like a number and that money is more important to them than me. It'd be easier if I was never promised anything. I wouldn't know any different.
I just think this whole thing is stupid. If I'd gotten this answer back in August, I'd have adjusted and budgeted and wouldn't be in huge debt to therapist right now. Therapist is cool about the money I owe her. I can back pay her as I'm able, but if either of us had known this would be the end result, we'd have made other provisions a lot sooner.
It makes me a little sick right now looking at my insurance card. In big letters across the top it says, "The World's Best Health Care for the World's Best Military." Forgive me if I don't agree with their statement about being the world's best health care right now.
See, my government health insurance divides the US by regions. When I moved to live in the same city as husband (even though I'm still in the same state), I was considered (by my insurance) to have changed regions. Now I live 10 miles outside of the region that Therapist is covered by. I am 40 miles away from Therapist, but if I lived 10 miles further South, they would allow me to see her and cover me. Now, it's taken 9 months to get this much information from them. The only reason we know this much is because Therapist continued to contact them b/c they were not responding to any of our submissions - either from her or from my PCP. When Therapist talked to them yesterday, she was told that they would never have contacted her or me or ever sent me a denial letter. Apparently my request is just automatically voided because I live in a different region that she practices in. I can't even get a denial letter. And we wouldn't have gotten any explanation if therapist hadn't been so persistent. I now know that for them to approve her, I will have to get written documentation from every provider in my region saying they can't or won't treat me. So, if someone 5 hours away (but in my region) agrees, I can drive 5 hours to therapy and they'll pay, but they won't pay if I drive 40 minutes in the 'wrong' direction to see Therapist who I've been with almost 5 years.
What pisses me off more than anything, isn't that they won't cover me (and that pisses me off A LOT). It pisses me off that for 9 months we haven't been able to get a direct answer out of anyone, and they think an acceptable answer is no response at all. Just ignore the request and hope I give up eventually? See, if they give me a denial letter, I have the right to appeal and submit paperwork to present my case. But if they don't respond at all, then I can't appeal and they don't have to grant coverage either. Glad to know the government is really looking out for the mental health of deployed soldiers' families like they claim to be...
Maybe government health care is more affordable. I can go to the doctor whenever I need to and not worry about cost. I do appreciate that. However, I didn't get to choose my doctor - any of my doctors for that matter. And when I really need specific help from a specific provider that my insurance recognizes in another region, I'm not even given a chance to present my case. Heck, the people reviewing my case probably don't even know what DID is, so how are they gonna understand the importance of working with a therapist that we trust?
I think I need to stop for now. I'm liable to post some not nice things that I'll wish I hadn't later. I'm feeling bitter about a lot of so called support I'm supposed to be getting while my husband is risking his life to keep our country safe that I'm not seeing, and this is just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't regret the life my husband and I have chosen. I am so proud of him for what he does. It's just frustrating to hear the government say they're gonna cut you a break, and instead feel you're being treated like a number and that money is more important to them than me. It'd be easier if I was never promised anything. I wouldn't know any different.
I just think this whole thing is stupid. If I'd gotten this answer back in August, I'd have adjusted and budgeted and wouldn't be in huge debt to therapist right now. Therapist is cool about the money I owe her. I can back pay her as I'm able, but if either of us had known this would be the end result, we'd have made other provisions a lot sooner.
It makes me a little sick right now looking at my insurance card. In big letters across the top it says, "The World's Best Health Care for the World's Best Military." Forgive me if I don't agree with their statement about being the world's best health care right now.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Satan's Tactics
Last night I had a horrible dream. I've always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are usually so intricate and detailed, that I am unable to tell that I am dreaming until after I wake up. Many times it takes me awhile after I wake up to fully realize that what just happened was in a dream and not my reality. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up shaking. I could tell I'd been crying a lot, and for a good 5 minutes, I was convinced my dream was real. Only when I was able to truly realize where I was and what was going on around me did I begin to realize it was a dream and be able to calm down.
Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.
Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:
1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.
2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.
These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.
I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!
Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.
Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:
1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.
2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.
These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.
I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Hubby's birthday
Today is hubby's birthday. His work schedule is such right now that it's hard to catch him online. He's asleep when I'm free, and I'm asleep when he's free. I did get to talk to him for a few minutes, and it sounds like he had as good of a birthday as one can while deployed in a war zone.
I on the other hand hated not having him around today. I couldn't give him his gift on his birthday (the USPS has it somewhere in the Middle East, but it hasn't reached him yet); I couldn't cook him dinner and make his favorite dessert; I couldn't plan a party for him with all of his friends; and I couldn't even give him a birthday kiss.
Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since he left. I keep thinking he should be coming home soon. All of his trainings over the past year lasted an average of 3-4 weeks. I'm ready for him to be home, but instead it's still just the beginning of this trip. In another week or two we'll adjust to the idea that he's not coming home soon, and the feelings will lessen. I'm thankful for that, but today I'm sad that he's so far away on his birthday and that I can't be with him.
Wow, I'm kinda feeling pretty sorry for myself tonight, huh? Well, I do know I'm more sensitive to EVERYTHING right now with so much internal stuff stirred up. I'm going to choc it up to that and actually not beat myself up over something tonight.
Time for some mindless TV to get lost in and help turn my brain off.
I on the other hand hated not having him around today. I couldn't give him his gift on his birthday (the USPS has it somewhere in the Middle East, but it hasn't reached him yet); I couldn't cook him dinner and make his favorite dessert; I couldn't plan a party for him with all of his friends; and I couldn't even give him a birthday kiss.
Tomorrow will be 5 weeks since he left. I keep thinking he should be coming home soon. All of his trainings over the past year lasted an average of 3-4 weeks. I'm ready for him to be home, but instead it's still just the beginning of this trip. In another week or two we'll adjust to the idea that he's not coming home soon, and the feelings will lessen. I'm thankful for that, but today I'm sad that he's so far away on his birthday and that I can't be with him.
Wow, I'm kinda feeling pretty sorry for myself tonight, huh? Well, I do know I'm more sensitive to EVERYTHING right now with so much internal stuff stirred up. I'm going to choc it up to that and actually not beat myself up over something tonight.
Time for some mindless TV to get lost in and help turn my brain off.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Husband wrote me back!
Well, I guess I spoke a day too soon. Hubby responded today to the e-mail I sent him about my current internal and therapeutic situation. His e-mail was so sweet. I will never understand why this man sees me the way he does, but I am incredibly grateful. This e-mail made all of today a lot more bearable. I copied and pasted it below b/c it's too good the way it is to try and paraphrase it.
Hey,
Like I mentioned briefly the other day I am very greatful for
letting me know what you are going through and what you are having to
work through. I might not understand it all the time, mostly because I
have a hard time relating to what you have had to and currently still
have to overcome and work through. Regardless, you are one of the
strongest gals I know and have been since we met :). More and more,
with everything we do and more I get to really know you God has shown
me just how luckly I am to have you in my life. So let me know how
can be supportive and praying for you as you have been.
Xo, Love You -
Husband
Now I just have to figure out how he can be supportive and how I want him specifically praying. ;) One step at a time though, right? And this step - me sharing specifics and him responding in love and confidence - just squished a bit of the lie that those who truly know me will come to hate me and be disgusted by me. Yay for huge, small victories!!!!!
Hey,
Like I mentioned briefly the other day I am very greatful for
letting me know what you are going through and what you are having to
work through. I might not understand it all the time, mostly because I
have a hard time relating to what you have had to and currently still
have to overcome and work through. Regardless, you are one of the
strongest gals I know and have been since we met :). More and more,
with everything we do and more I get to really know you God has shown
me just how luckly I am to have you in my life. So let me know how
can be supportive and praying for you as you have been.
Xo, Love You -
Husband
Now I just have to figure out how he can be supportive and how I want him specifically praying. ;) One step at a time though, right? And this step - me sharing specifics and him responding in love and confidence - just squished a bit of the lie that those who truly know me will come to hate me and be disgusted by me. Yay for huge, small victories!!!!!
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sent E-mail to Hubby
I finally created an e-mail I was okay enough with to send to hubby Saturday night. I had decided I wasn't going to say anything about it and let him bring it up when he was ready to talk about it. This has worked well for us in the past. After 2 conversations with him post sending the e-mail, I cracked. I was so nervous of his response that I finally just asked him if he'd read the e-mail. His response, "Yeah, I read it yesterday. Thanks for being so honest and for working so hard to keep me in the loop. I'm definitely praying for you." And that was it..... subject changed.
It totally wasn't what I expected, but I'm not complaining either. I figured he'd have more questions or want to talk about it, but he seemed perfectly content to know I was keeping him in the loop and that I didn't need him to do anything other than pray. This man continues to surprise me. He understands very little about emotions, behavioral health, etc. yet he never seems to waiver no matter what new info or crazy situation I send his way. It is truly amazing, and I feel so blessed. Now, I like to talk, so I would have liked a conversation about the e-mail I sent him, but I'm not going to complain that this is the outcome. He hasn't treated me any different since and for whatever reason, he really really trusts me. If I say I'll be okay, he takes it at face value. It's kinda new to me to have someone this close to me take my words at face value. It seems most people (including myself) are looking for deeper and/or hidden meaning in what I'm saying or not saying. It's an odd experience for me but very refreshing at the same time.
In other news, we saw therapist again today. She checked in with me a bit and then spent most of the rest of the session with A. Bless, we have our work cut out for us. I continue to be amazed at the amount of work and progress that therapist is able to make with A. during our sessions, however, we always seem to have to re-teach and go over some of the basic things A. learned or accepted the last session. Permanency in what she learns these days is still lacking. Still it is progress. And while it's progress that feels like it's ripping my guts out, I am very thankful to have therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to about all of this instead of feeling utterly alone and without a clue how to progress towards healing.
Therapist gave A. a tiny little bear tonight to keep. It's something from the present day. It's something that was not around when were a child. It's something that will hopefully help keep her grounded and out of flashbacks more b/c it is a gift from therapist that requires no gift or payment in return (a new concept for A) and it is something that did not exist when the body was being hurt. A. is already pretty attached to the little guy/gal (keep switching back and forth on whether it looks like a guy or a girl stuffie). I posted a pic below so you can see. I have a feeling it's going to be going everywhere with us for a little while, but I don't care if there's the chance it can help to calm things down inside for a bit.
It totally wasn't what I expected, but I'm not complaining either. I figured he'd have more questions or want to talk about it, but he seemed perfectly content to know I was keeping him in the loop and that I didn't need him to do anything other than pray. This man continues to surprise me. He understands very little about emotions, behavioral health, etc. yet he never seems to waiver no matter what new info or crazy situation I send his way. It is truly amazing, and I feel so blessed. Now, I like to talk, so I would have liked a conversation about the e-mail I sent him, but I'm not going to complain that this is the outcome. He hasn't treated me any different since and for whatever reason, he really really trusts me. If I say I'll be okay, he takes it at face value. It's kinda new to me to have someone this close to me take my words at face value. It seems most people (including myself) are looking for deeper and/or hidden meaning in what I'm saying or not saying. It's an odd experience for me but very refreshing at the same time.
In other news, we saw therapist again today. She checked in with me a bit and then spent most of the rest of the session with A. Bless, we have our work cut out for us. I continue to be amazed at the amount of work and progress that therapist is able to make with A. during our sessions, however, we always seem to have to re-teach and go over some of the basic things A. learned or accepted the last session. Permanency in what she learns these days is still lacking. Still it is progress. And while it's progress that feels like it's ripping my guts out, I am very thankful to have therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to about all of this instead of feeling utterly alone and without a clue how to progress towards healing.
Therapist gave A. a tiny little bear tonight to keep. It's something from the present day. It's something that was not around when were a child. It's something that will hopefully help keep her grounded and out of flashbacks more b/c it is a gift from therapist that requires no gift or payment in return (a new concept for A) and it is something that did not exist when the body was being hurt. A. is already pretty attached to the little guy/gal (keep switching back and forth on whether it looks like a guy or a girl stuffie). I posted a pic below so you can see. I have a feeling it's going to be going everywhere with us for a little while, but I don't care if there's the chance it can help to calm things down inside for a bit.
Friday, February 18, 2011
This is Tough
So, I'm still here. The past 4 days have been tough. Moving A. into a room in the common area has allowed us to take better care of her, but her emotions are so painful and so intense, it's really taking a toll on everyone inside. Externally I'm still functioning and participating in life rather well. Internally, the anxiety and sadness is almost overwhelming. I'm able to still reality check well, and that's been invaluable this week b/c nowhere feels safe anymore. Everywhere feels too exposed - even therapist's office, which has always been a safe haven.
Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.
The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.
I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....
The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.
I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.
For now though, we need sleep. More to come.
Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.
The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.
I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....
The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.
I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.
For now though, we need sleep. More to come.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
She Used to Appear So Big and Fierce
This post is sort of a follow-up to the last post in that it's an update of what took place after Monday's therapy session, but it also delves a little bit more into my DID world and into the history regarding the part I discussed in the last post that is struggling so much. To make it easier, I'm going to call this part "A.". That's the first letter of her name. I realize that giving you her name probably wouldn't give too much away, but my anonymity with this blog has always been important to me, and I want to treat her with that same respect until the time she decides she wants to share her name with anyone. So, thanks, and I hope this doesn't make this post too confusing.
Until very very recently, A. has always presented as larger, taller, stronger, and more fierce than any other part or any external person in our life. In all honesty, since we've met her she's appeared internally as large and as strong as the Jolly Green Giant - except she wasn't green. She's also appeared in adult form on the inside. I never knew her age b/c time doesn't mean much to her, but she spoke and talked as an adult and had quick wit. She towered over all of us and had the strength to take over the body at any point and do as she pleased. For many many years I was very afraid of her.
Over the past couple of years, it's continued to be like pulling teeth to get her to really share anything, but what I have learned has been invaluable. While she has mostly presented as a part whose goal has been to harm the body, in reality she is probably one of my strongest protectors. She was present for the worst of the abuse. She struggles the most with the mind games he played. She protected the rest of us from him during the worst moments. As we began to share about the abuse as an adult, she would lash out - hurting us emotionally and physically. I've come to realize though that in her mind, she was protecting us. He told her telling would mean that everyone would hate us... telling would mean we'd have to go live with him forever... Off and on throughout therapy she has presented at times to 'protect us' from lies he made her believe. This protection has always been brought about by fear, force, and injury to the body on her part up until I got married last May.
She sort of went silent around wedding time. She was so against the wedding and I was fearful that she would sabotage not only the event but my future with the man that I love. At the time I assumed she was so resistant b/c the thought of willingly having sex freaked her out. Now I know it runs much deeper than that. She's pretty much stayed silent the last 8 months. I would wonder about her, but I was loving feeling mostly good and being married, so I didn't take the time to look into it too much.
After husband deployed 3 weeks ago, I immediately started noticing an increased level of activity inside and a spike in my anxiety levels so extreme that I thought my heart my burst. Until Monday I was still in the fog about the exact reasons why. I knew it had to do with A., but I had no idea how or what bomb she was going to drop this time. Monday she told therapist that we were no longer safe. She told therapist that he was coming back to get us. A. told therapist that he told her multiple times while hurting her that she belonged to him. If we ever grew up and got married, we'd broken our covenant to him and he would come find us and make us pay. With hubby home for the past 8 months, this fear hadn't made it's way to the surface b/c we felt safe with hubby - almost like he was an external protector, and I think A. felt like he would protect us from the bad man if he did show up. Once hubby deployed, though, all bets were off. Hubby is gone for a long time. A. felt abandoned and wide open for an attack.
A. crumbled in fear and sadness in therapist's office on Monday, and even with therapist close by, A. never stopped shaking. It took the 2 hours to get A. out of freak out stage and to begin the process of trying to convince her that he will not be coming to get her or any of us b/c we got married. It's going to be a long road.
After therapist brought me back forward and got me stabilized enough, I drove home. It's about a 45 minute drive to my home from therapist's office, so I had a lot of time to think and talk to myself. I got a report from other parts that A. never made it back to her internal house (for as long as I've known her, she's been unwilling to share a house with any other parts) and there was a fragile girl around the age of 9 that no one recognized lying on the ground close to A's house. I let another adult part drive the car home safely, and I went to investigate. Looking closely, I realized it was A., but she barely resembled any other form I've ever seen her take. The eyes are really the main clue that gave away that it was her. She looked so frail and tired and she just lied there and quietly sobbed barely even acknowledging any of us.
I couldn't leave her there. Seeing her like that was breaking my heart in a way I've never felt before. I picked her up in my arms, and surprisingly she didn't resist. I took her to the large house where everyone else hangs out, and put her in an empty room with a comfy bed all her own. Since that time all she's done is sleep, cry, and stare at who knows what. She will briefly respond to you if you talk to her, but she won't converse.
How does the part that was the strongest, largest and fiercest go from that to one of the weakest and most fragile parts in the system? And wow! what a turn around! Guess we really are going to have our work cut out for us for awhile. My head is reeling from the internal shift, b/c even if she is fragile right now, she is still very strong emotionally and it's very hard to not get overpowered by her emotions and try to support her where she is right now.
Wow. This post got way longer than I meant for it to. I'll stop here for now and pick up again in a bit.
Until very very recently, A. has always presented as larger, taller, stronger, and more fierce than any other part or any external person in our life. In all honesty, since we've met her she's appeared internally as large and as strong as the Jolly Green Giant - except she wasn't green. She's also appeared in adult form on the inside. I never knew her age b/c time doesn't mean much to her, but she spoke and talked as an adult and had quick wit. She towered over all of us and had the strength to take over the body at any point and do as she pleased. For many many years I was very afraid of her.
Over the past couple of years, it's continued to be like pulling teeth to get her to really share anything, but what I have learned has been invaluable. While she has mostly presented as a part whose goal has been to harm the body, in reality she is probably one of my strongest protectors. She was present for the worst of the abuse. She struggles the most with the mind games he played. She protected the rest of us from him during the worst moments. As we began to share about the abuse as an adult, she would lash out - hurting us emotionally and physically. I've come to realize though that in her mind, she was protecting us. He told her telling would mean that everyone would hate us... telling would mean we'd have to go live with him forever... Off and on throughout therapy she has presented at times to 'protect us' from lies he made her believe. This protection has always been brought about by fear, force, and injury to the body on her part up until I got married last May.
She sort of went silent around wedding time. She was so against the wedding and I was fearful that she would sabotage not only the event but my future with the man that I love. At the time I assumed she was so resistant b/c the thought of willingly having sex freaked her out. Now I know it runs much deeper than that. She's pretty much stayed silent the last 8 months. I would wonder about her, but I was loving feeling mostly good and being married, so I didn't take the time to look into it too much.
After husband deployed 3 weeks ago, I immediately started noticing an increased level of activity inside and a spike in my anxiety levels so extreme that I thought my heart my burst. Until Monday I was still in the fog about the exact reasons why. I knew it had to do with A., but I had no idea how or what bomb she was going to drop this time. Monday she told therapist that we were no longer safe. She told therapist that he was coming back to get us. A. told therapist that he told her multiple times while hurting her that she belonged to him. If we ever grew up and got married, we'd broken our covenant to him and he would come find us and make us pay. With hubby home for the past 8 months, this fear hadn't made it's way to the surface b/c we felt safe with hubby - almost like he was an external protector, and I think A. felt like he would protect us from the bad man if he did show up. Once hubby deployed, though, all bets were off. Hubby is gone for a long time. A. felt abandoned and wide open for an attack.
A. crumbled in fear and sadness in therapist's office on Monday, and even with therapist close by, A. never stopped shaking. It took the 2 hours to get A. out of freak out stage and to begin the process of trying to convince her that he will not be coming to get her or any of us b/c we got married. It's going to be a long road.
After therapist brought me back forward and got me stabilized enough, I drove home. It's about a 45 minute drive to my home from therapist's office, so I had a lot of time to think and talk to myself. I got a report from other parts that A. never made it back to her internal house (for as long as I've known her, she's been unwilling to share a house with any other parts) and there was a fragile girl around the age of 9 that no one recognized lying on the ground close to A's house. I let another adult part drive the car home safely, and I went to investigate. Looking closely, I realized it was A., but she barely resembled any other form I've ever seen her take. The eyes are really the main clue that gave away that it was her. She looked so frail and tired and she just lied there and quietly sobbed barely even acknowledging any of us.
I couldn't leave her there. Seeing her like that was breaking my heart in a way I've never felt before. I picked her up in my arms, and surprisingly she didn't resist. I took her to the large house where everyone else hangs out, and put her in an empty room with a comfy bed all her own. Since that time all she's done is sleep, cry, and stare at who knows what. She will briefly respond to you if you talk to her, but she won't converse.
How does the part that was the strongest, largest and fiercest go from that to one of the weakest and most fragile parts in the system? And wow! what a turn around! Guess we really are going to have our work cut out for us for awhile. My head is reeling from the internal shift, b/c even if she is fragile right now, she is still very strong emotionally and it's very hard to not get overpowered by her emotions and try to support her where she is right now.
Wow. This post got way longer than I meant for it to. I'll stop here for now and pick up again in a bit.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
And the Nightmares Return
I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Heavy heart
My heart is heavy today. The pain of hubby being away really isn't letting up. I'm just finding that I can distract from it for periods of time.
I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.
I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.
Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.
It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.
I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.
I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.
I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.
Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.
It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.
I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.
Friday, January 28, 2011
*Sigh*
It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Reminders of why to only put full faith in God
The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."
The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.
The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.
Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.
I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).
I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!
Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.
The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.
The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.
Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.
I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).
I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!
Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Hanging On
Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.
He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.
I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...
Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.
He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.
I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...
Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Insight... and Just for laughs
So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.
So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.
I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.
And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.
How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!
So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.
I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.
And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.
How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Frustrated with myself
So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Struggling a bit today
No crises here. Just struggling a little bit today. Last night was the winter formal for my husband's military brigade. It was also the final hoorah before the soldiers start deploying in 12 days. It was a wonderful evening. I had so much fun, and evenings like that always boost my patriotism and respect for not only the job my husband does but for the job that every soldier in our country does year round - whether at home or overseas.
Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.
I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.
My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.
What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!
I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)
Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.
I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.
My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.
What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!
I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Why Gray is Better than Really Bad
Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.
This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.
My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.
In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.
I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.
It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.
I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.
Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.
This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.
My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.
In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.
I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.
It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.
I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.
Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Slowly calming down
Well I finally have 2 seconds to blog again.. Yay!
Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.
Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.
Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!
Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.
Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.
Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Still kicking
Just wanted to take a few minutes to post that I'm still here putting one foot in front of the other. Things have calmed down a little bit from last week, but I'm still dealing with very raw emotions, and feelings of vulnerability and instability that are higher than normal for me.
I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.
We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.
Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.
On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.
All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*
It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.
I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.
We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.
Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.
On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.
All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*
It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Hubby's coming home today!!
Just wanted to write a quick post to say hi and that I'm hanging in there. Insurance is still up in the air about covering T, but I'm choosing to be thankful that it's still up in the air. Last week, I thought the book was closed on the topic of insurance paying, but now there's a slight chance again we can work things out. *Fingers crossed!!!*
Hubby's coming home from a month long training today! I'm so excited!! I've missed him so much!!! But that might mean it's a few days before I get to blog again. I want to spend time with him to make up for the past month and with both of us working right now, my blog might take a hit for a week or so. Once we're back into a routine, I hope to start blogging again. I find I miss it when I don't blog for awhile, but lately finding a time to blog has been challenging as well.
Anyways, I'm around. Plugging along, and making myself still work towards more complete healing. Thanks for keeping up with me. It really means more than I can say!
Hubby's coming home from a month long training today! I'm so excited!! I've missed him so much!!! But that might mean it's a few days before I get to blog again. I want to spend time with him to make up for the past month and with both of us working right now, my blog might take a hit for a week or so. Once we're back into a routine, I hope to start blogging again. I find I miss it when I don't blog for awhile, but lately finding a time to blog has been challenging as well.
Anyways, I'm around. Plugging along, and making myself still work towards more complete healing. Thanks for keeping up with me. It really means more than I can say!
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