Thursday, October 21, 2010

More Gray

This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.

With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.

We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.

Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.

She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.

Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Living in the Gray

Living in the Gray.... This has become our new norm (which is good but very uncomfortable). We no longer live in constant crises state where self-injury is the norm and the goal is just to survive the day. We no longer feel our insides constantly screaming with pain. BUT things are not all better. We are not completely free from our past. We still hold pain inside. Sometimes it's severe and scary and other times it's rather mild. And some days we actually just feel good.

This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?

In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.

It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.

In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.

I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...

Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Slowly calming down

Well I finally have 2 seconds to blog again.. Yay!

Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.

Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.

Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!