Recently I've come to the realization that shame is a theme throughout my entire life. It seems to be satan's preferred mode of attack. While many new things in therapy have come out over the last few months and that which has been hidden is coming to light, the ever present, almost impenetrable barrier and common factor is shame. In addition to my abuse struggles, our current-day struggles of infertility are covered in shame - some of it self-inflicted and some of it coming from well-meaning people who are ignorant and don't realize what they're really saying.
I want to let go of the shame. Being filled with shame is not a fun place to be. However, it has been so deeply ingrained and programmed into my mind, into my being, since I was such a young child, the process feels like trying to manually separate my muscles from my bones. It feels impossible. Shame feels so much a part of me and my identity at this point, it feels impossible to just let go of it and not own it anymore.
Therapist believes it is possible, and I am grateful for her hope and commitment to me, but I have a very hard time believing it's no more possible than it is for me to get a new body and get rid of this one that holds so many awful memories.
Therapy itself is a minefield right now. I told therapist last night that doing this work feels like being in my own version of the game Jumanji. Every roll of the dice, every move forward towards winning "the game" sets off some massive event to avoid, wade through, or overcome - many of which are life threatening. Even if I believe there has to be an ending to all of this with no more surprises or triggers or flipped switches, I sometimes wonder if we'll survive all of the "traps and switches" between here and there. Shame is what drives the thought processes of most of these current struggles, and while in and of itself may not pose safety issues, I definitely feel it is our hardest hurdle to overcome.
Today I am alive and breathing. Today I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to focus on how God sees me - as spotless and blameless because of Jesus' sacrifice. It's all I can do and thankfully it's all He asks of me.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Sunday, October 6, 2013
You Know Your System is Hiding Something When....
They throw a part they've been protecting for years and vowed they'd die before letting you meet is "thrown under the bus" as a means to distract Therapist.
This was last Thursday's session. Therapist has been talking with parts trying to continue work that was started over a year ago and then put on hold for several months due to me not living locally. The resistance to her speaking with certain parts and gaining certain information is so strong that on Thursday, Therapist ended up having the opportunity to meet the CORE.... 8 year old us who has been protected from any knowledge of the abuse and goes by the body's given name. Up to Thursday there had been multiple parts who had stated their life's work was to keep the core safe and allow no one to interact with her. In previous therapy sessions, agreements had been made between Therapist and these parts that she could pursue certain avenues of therapy and interactions with parts as long as she left the Core alone.
What information is so crucial to keep hidden, that parts inside would decide it was better to throw the Core out forward to interact with Therapist and distract her than to continue to keep the Core safe and hidden? They're not stupid though because it totally worked. Therapist was awed about getting to meet the Core and spent the rest of the session talking with her. It wasn't a waste of a session. I think therapist got some good info and gained new insight. However, it was still sucessful in distracting therapist from her main goal of trying to get to the root of the lies our abuser placed in us in order to cause a huge, positive system shift.
Currently I feel like my body has been hijacked, and I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. We're still safe and functioning appropriately in our external life, but, good grief, I feel like a walking circus right now. I'm wondering how big the internal stunts are going to get before the finale of this showdown.
Has anyone invented a "time-out" button yet?
This was last Thursday's session. Therapist has been talking with parts trying to continue work that was started over a year ago and then put on hold for several months due to me not living locally. The resistance to her speaking with certain parts and gaining certain information is so strong that on Thursday, Therapist ended up having the opportunity to meet the CORE.... 8 year old us who has been protected from any knowledge of the abuse and goes by the body's given name. Up to Thursday there had been multiple parts who had stated their life's work was to keep the core safe and allow no one to interact with her. In previous therapy sessions, agreements had been made between Therapist and these parts that she could pursue certain avenues of therapy and interactions with parts as long as she left the Core alone.
What information is so crucial to keep hidden, that parts inside would decide it was better to throw the Core out forward to interact with Therapist and distract her than to continue to keep the Core safe and hidden? They're not stupid though because it totally worked. Therapist was awed about getting to meet the Core and spent the rest of the session talking with her. It wasn't a waste of a session. I think therapist got some good info and gained new insight. However, it was still sucessful in distracting therapist from her main goal of trying to get to the root of the lies our abuser placed in us in order to cause a huge, positive system shift.
Currently I feel like my body has been hijacked, and I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time. We're still safe and functioning appropriately in our external life, but, good grief, I feel like a walking circus right now. I'm wondering how big the internal stunts are going to get before the finale of this showdown.
Has anyone invented a "time-out" button yet?
Monday, September 30, 2013
Unsettling Side Effects from Current Therapeutic Work
We're carefully broaching, dancing around, and slowly starting some therapeutic work that seems to be met with more resistance than anything we've done so far. It's amazing the physical reactions I'm having just talking about talking about these issues. My most recent, yet consistent symptoms when trying to do this work are a numbing of my arms that starts between my shoulder and elbow and extends to my fingertips and a a numbing of my legs starting mid-thigh and running down through my toes. They still work and do what my brain tells them to do, but they don't feel attached, and they for sure don't feel like mine. In addition to this, whenever therapist starts to try to talk with us about these issues, I get overwhelmingly dizzy and struggle to keep my eyes open. I have this almost impossible to fight urge to just go to sleep, and it takes everything in me to fight it.... which means I actually hear and process very little of what therapist is saying. It's an incredibly effective way for parts inside to shut down communication with therapist, and I've yet to figure out any way to overcome it.
In addition, after each session lately I feel anxious, depressed, and have a great need to find a small place to curl up and just be. We find ourselves wanting to call Therapist to ask for help, but we have no idea what to even ask for or what we need. All we know is everything around us seems to feel incredibly unsafe after sessions. If I really stop and think what might make us feel a little better, it would be to stay with Therapist after sessions and let her just hold us and let us feel safe in her arms. Unfortunately, even if Therapist had the time in her schedule to do this, ethical boundaries would say I can't just stay with her for hours after our session letting her hold us like the body is still a small child. Shoot, if I'm being really honest about what we truly wish for.. We'd ask therapist if we could move in with her and be with her 24/7 until we got through the worst of this.... Being with her is the only time we feel safe right now. My rational mind knows this wouldn't be healthy for me or her, but our emotional mind longs for it.
Ugh. We're starting down a rough road that I can already tell there's no turning back from. :/
In addition, after each session lately I feel anxious, depressed, and have a great need to find a small place to curl up and just be. We find ourselves wanting to call Therapist to ask for help, but we have no idea what to even ask for or what we need. All we know is everything around us seems to feel incredibly unsafe after sessions. If I really stop and think what might make us feel a little better, it would be to stay with Therapist after sessions and let her just hold us and let us feel safe in her arms. Unfortunately, even if Therapist had the time in her schedule to do this, ethical boundaries would say I can't just stay with her for hours after our session letting her hold us like the body is still a small child. Shoot, if I'm being really honest about what we truly wish for.. We'd ask therapist if we could move in with her and be with her 24/7 until we got through the worst of this.... Being with her is the only time we feel safe right now. My rational mind knows this wouldn't be healthy for me or her, but our emotional mind longs for it.
Ugh. We're starting down a rough road that I can already tell there's no turning back from. :/
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
More Pockets than I Realized
I spent the afternoon going through a large tub box at my parents' house full of middle school and high school memorabilia. I'm trying to de-clutter some and this box has been on the list for awhile. Going through the tub box was fun. There were a lot of old letters and cards that were fun to read again. I found an old prayer journal and an old diary. The diary has one of those cheap locks on it, so I've still got to find something to clip the lock to read what I wrote so long ago. I have no idea where the key to the diary might be. The thing that surprised me the most was how many cards and letters I read from people who I apparently knew well at one point, but I have no recollection of them today. I guess there are more pockets in my memory that I've ever realized.
For example: There was a letter some guy named Tommy who lived a few counties over wrote to me when I was 16. In this letter he tells me he loves me. I had a few letters from him in the tub box - all sweet and caring. I have no idea who Tommy is or where I would have met him. How do I not remember a guy at all who apparently professed his love for me on multiple occasions?
I found letters from girls who appear to have been close friends at one time. I apparently impacted their lives positively, and I'm grateful for that. However, I have no idea who many of these girls are. There were also other letters from other guys who I apparently responded to frequently. You'd think after knowing I was DID for over 14 years, things like this wouldn't surprise me or catch me off guard. I guess I just never thought I really lost any time in high school. I know I lost time throughout college, but I wasn't diagnosed with DID until the summer between high school and college, and even then I don't remember ever switching as a teenager outside of my therapist's office. When I was 17, I became aware of 'conversations' going on in my head... sometimes in the form of a peanut gallery commenting on my life... other times conversations going on in my head that I wasn't even a part of. I finally got the courage to bring this up to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I don't even remember every question she asked me after that, but I know she asked me if the voices had names and strangely enough they did. Then she asked to speak to one of the voice in my head... I thought she was crazy, and even if I wanted to let her, I had no idea how. It was several sessions of us just talking about what I was experiencing in my head before I actually switched in her office. I don't remember losing time or switching before then.
Maybe there's another explanation than dissociation as to why I can't remember people who I had more than a superficial relationship with while in high school, but I can't think of one. I could explain away not remember certain events or conversations or even letters I'd written, but I don't know how to explain away not having the slightest idea of who someone was at that age in my life. Ugh...
For example: There was a letter some guy named Tommy who lived a few counties over wrote to me when I was 16. In this letter he tells me he loves me. I had a few letters from him in the tub box - all sweet and caring. I have no idea who Tommy is or where I would have met him. How do I not remember a guy at all who apparently professed his love for me on multiple occasions?
I found letters from girls who appear to have been close friends at one time. I apparently impacted their lives positively, and I'm grateful for that. However, I have no idea who many of these girls are. There were also other letters from other guys who I apparently responded to frequently. You'd think after knowing I was DID for over 14 years, things like this wouldn't surprise me or catch me off guard. I guess I just never thought I really lost any time in high school. I know I lost time throughout college, but I wasn't diagnosed with DID until the summer between high school and college, and even then I don't remember ever switching as a teenager outside of my therapist's office. When I was 17, I became aware of 'conversations' going on in my head... sometimes in the form of a peanut gallery commenting on my life... other times conversations going on in my head that I wasn't even a part of. I finally got the courage to bring this up to the therapist I was seeing at the time. I don't even remember every question she asked me after that, but I know she asked me if the voices had names and strangely enough they did. Then she asked to speak to one of the voice in my head... I thought she was crazy, and even if I wanted to let her, I had no idea how. It was several sessions of us just talking about what I was experiencing in my head before I actually switched in her office. I don't remember losing time or switching before then.
Maybe there's another explanation than dissociation as to why I can't remember people who I had more than a superficial relationship with while in high school, but I can't think of one. I could explain away not remember certain events or conversations or even letters I'd written, but I don't know how to explain away not having the slightest idea of who someone was at that age in my life. Ugh...
Monday, August 12, 2013
Tightrope
I feel like I'm walking a tightrope right now. I haven't fallen yet and I'm actually still on top of everything, but it all feels precarious. One mistep, one strong wind, a random bird flying by, or any number of possible stumbling block and down, down, down I'll fall. I don't feel steady on my feet. The rope under my feet bounces and gives. I think "so far, so good" but my confidence of actually making it to the other side of the tightrope in one piece is fading.
The other side of the tightrope... That's what I have to focus on.... My goal. From gymnastics, I remember focusing on one point helps keep a person steady and balanced. It was a crucial skill to master on the balance beam if you didn't want to fall. I believe the same applies now. I have to focus on the point... on the goal.. the reason I continue to go to therapy and talk about horiffic events... the reason I work through issues that make me feel dizzy, ungrounded, and stir up self-injury impulses. I used to think that goal was complete healing. These days, I don't feel complete healing will occur this side of heaven, but I strive for all parts inside to feel safe and know their self-worth. The memories are always going to hurt. We're never going to be the person we would have been if the abuse had never occurred. But maybe, just maybe, all of us can feel safe and loved and make decisions for ourselves rather than feeling scared and alone and acting based upon old programming and conditioning.
If only it was as easy as putting one foot in front of the other across the tightrope. Unfortunately, it feels distractions that take my eyes off of my focus point are constantly being hurled in my direction. Lately it seems there are so many things that can cause me to lose my balance, and I'm constantly correcting and overcorrecting just trying not to fall. I'm learning that standing still and trying not to fall does nothing to get me to the solid ground on the other side of the rope. I've got to take forward steps and face the stumbling blocks and distractions if I ever want to get off this tightrope that seems to be suspended over ultimate doom and destruction.
To be honest, I'm not sure how to move forward without falling. Doing therapy in Therapist's office again does provide us a small safety net that didn't exist before, but for some, it feels the fall would be too fast for her to catch us and we'd break right through the net. I know we can't just stay put. Things are pressing too hard internally, but I don't have any great ideas or new techniques to try that might make this process feel safer. Some days I'm not sure I have the courage to even try to take another step towards solid ground. But what is the alternative? Staying put in the middle of this tightrope trying to hold on for dear life? No thank you.
So, next therapy session, we'll take another step along the tightrope praying for dear life that God keeps us standing and functioning.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
The past week
I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.
Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.
Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.
Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.
I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.
Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.
Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.
Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.
I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Balancing Life and Therapy: Part II
This is the second part of the last post. I broke it into two parts b/c I was afraid it was getting too long.
Continuing...
In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.
I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.
I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.
The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.
The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.
At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.
In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.
I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.
Continuing...
In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.
I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.
I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.
The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.
The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.
At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.
In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.
I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.
Monday, May 16, 2011
5 Year Anniversary!!
5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.
Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.
Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.
Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.
So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...
Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.
Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.
Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.
So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Still Plugging Along
Just wanted to say that I'm still plugging along. Had 2 therapy sessions this week. Both were intense but both were helpful. It's good to be informed and to be getting information from parts again, but there's a lot to digest too.
Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!
Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.
Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)
Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!
Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.
Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Update
So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Words
I need words that I don't have.
I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.
The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.
I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.
The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.
So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?
I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.
Man this sucks!
I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.
The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.
I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.
The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.
So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?
I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.
Man this sucks!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A little shakey
Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
Monday, April 4, 2011
A Great Therapist Makes All of the Difference
So... nothing's any better than yesterday. Nothing internally or externally has really changed. In fact, today was a pretty crappy day all the way around.
Late afternoon I had an appointment with therapist. I was hesitant to tell her some of the things bothering me because the issues aren't really related to any of the reasons that brought me to therapy and aren't any topics therapist and I have ever talked about before. Mostly b/c in order for us to have a real conversation about them, I feared it would ask therapist to share more personal beliefs and or experiences that would be appropriate for me to ask her to share.
By the time we talked, I was so desperate to talk to someone who has never made me feel judged that I opened up to her despite fear that she wouldn't understand or that her personal beliefs might greatly conflict with mine.
She was amazing. I shared everything I felt I needed to without worrying whether my thoughts were right or wrong. She helped me think through a lot of it never telling me I was right or wrong and in a way that was supportive without revealing much of anything about herself or her personal beliefs. I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for therapist, but today brought a new level of respect. This was an area of my life that I knew therapist respected as incredibly important to me, but I wasn't sure it was an area we could discuss in a dialogue format. I'm soo happy to know that it is because therapist rocks!! It feels so amazing to know that there really is no area of my life that I cannot discuss with her. Everyone needs at least one person in their life like that.... Even if you don't tell that person everything, just knowing that you can brings an immense level of peace and security... which as a trauma survivor, are two very important and helpful feelings to have.
It still amazes me how one conversation can change my thinking from an impossible situation to one that feels do-able even when nothing in my life has changed. I don't understand it, but I am so blessed and I feel so thankful for it!
Late afternoon I had an appointment with therapist. I was hesitant to tell her some of the things bothering me because the issues aren't really related to any of the reasons that brought me to therapy and aren't any topics therapist and I have ever talked about before. Mostly b/c in order for us to have a real conversation about them, I feared it would ask therapist to share more personal beliefs and or experiences that would be appropriate for me to ask her to share.
By the time we talked, I was so desperate to talk to someone who has never made me feel judged that I opened up to her despite fear that she wouldn't understand or that her personal beliefs might greatly conflict with mine.
She was amazing. I shared everything I felt I needed to without worrying whether my thoughts were right or wrong. She helped me think through a lot of it never telling me I was right or wrong and in a way that was supportive without revealing much of anything about herself or her personal beliefs. I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for therapist, but today brought a new level of respect. This was an area of my life that I knew therapist respected as incredibly important to me, but I wasn't sure it was an area we could discuss in a dialogue format. I'm soo happy to know that it is because therapist rocks!! It feels so amazing to know that there really is no area of my life that I cannot discuss with her. Everyone needs at least one person in their life like that.... Even if you don't tell that person everything, just knowing that you can brings an immense level of peace and security... which as a trauma survivor, are two very important and helpful feelings to have.
It still amazes me how one conversation can change my thinking from an impossible situation to one that feels do-able even when nothing in my life has changed. I don't understand it, but I am so blessed and I feel so thankful for it!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions
About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Friday, March 25, 2011
A new wall goes up
Yesterday in therapy, I was telling therapist that it felt like there was a ton going on in my head - parts running this way and that way - and it felt pretty organized. I also told her that I wasn't able to see what was going on in my head - like it was being blocked from my view. I was having some anxiety about it yesterday, but therapist and I were both hoping I was overreacting... that it would turn out to be nothing...
Well, it's definitely not nothing. I'm not saying it's the end of the world. I don't know. This could have a relatively easy solution, but I have no clue right now. All I know is that in the past 24 hours, a massive wall made of stone has been built internally separating me and a few other parts from the rest. It appears to be soundproof, and I haven't found a way over or around the wall yet. Those left on this side of the wall are those of us who "run our external life" on a daily basis. It appears as though everyone else has voluntarily gone or possibly been forced to go to the other side of the wall.
I find myself in a mixed space. On one hand, I can think a lot more clearly right now than I've been able to in weeks, and I'm not feeling overwhelmed by any feelings or memories. This is nice. On the other hand, when things like this happen, it's usually followed by a wild and tumultuous ride. So far we've survived them all, so I have hope for this one too, but that feeling of dread coupled with not knowing exactly what or when something will happen or how easy or difficult it may be is rather anxiety provoking. I hate being left in the dark!
Yesterday I was telling therapist how I am learning that I do just have to sit and wait with this stuff. I can't make anyone share, process, or heal any faster than what they choose. I had a lot more control the first 'go round when we were primarily dealing with my stuff even though I didn't realize it then. Dealing with memories and feelings that aren't originally mine but belong to another part of me is a whole new ballgame... new rules to learn apparently... and one of the biggest of those is patience. I've gotten used to attacking issues head on, and these I cannot until the one holding them chooses to share.
So for now, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend. If nothing has changed by Monday afternoon, I'll talk to therapist about it and get her opinions. Going to do my best not to push anything for now. Maybe letting everyone be for a few days and leaving this new wall as is for now is the best way I can be helpful.
I swear sometimes understanding my brain is like trying to find your way through a maze in the dark with no flashlight.
Well, it's definitely not nothing. I'm not saying it's the end of the world. I don't know. This could have a relatively easy solution, but I have no clue right now. All I know is that in the past 24 hours, a massive wall made of stone has been built internally separating me and a few other parts from the rest. It appears to be soundproof, and I haven't found a way over or around the wall yet. Those left on this side of the wall are those of us who "run our external life" on a daily basis. It appears as though everyone else has voluntarily gone or possibly been forced to go to the other side of the wall.
I find myself in a mixed space. On one hand, I can think a lot more clearly right now than I've been able to in weeks, and I'm not feeling overwhelmed by any feelings or memories. This is nice. On the other hand, when things like this happen, it's usually followed by a wild and tumultuous ride. So far we've survived them all, so I have hope for this one too, but that feeling of dread coupled with not knowing exactly what or when something will happen or how easy or difficult it may be is rather anxiety provoking. I hate being left in the dark!
Yesterday I was telling therapist how I am learning that I do just have to sit and wait with this stuff. I can't make anyone share, process, or heal any faster than what they choose. I had a lot more control the first 'go round when we were primarily dealing with my stuff even though I didn't realize it then. Dealing with memories and feelings that aren't originally mine but belong to another part of me is a whole new ballgame... new rules to learn apparently... and one of the biggest of those is patience. I've gotten used to attacking issues head on, and these I cannot until the one holding them chooses to share.
So for now, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend. If nothing has changed by Monday afternoon, I'll talk to therapist about it and get her opinions. Going to do my best not to push anything for now. Maybe letting everyone be for a few days and leaving this new wall as is for now is the best way I can be helpful.
I swear sometimes understanding my brain is like trying to find your way through a maze in the dark with no flashlight.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Slowing Down and Relaxing
Hey everyone! I'm still here. It's my Spring Break, and I've really been taking time to slow things down a bit. I've used the past few days to catch up on things I'd been putting off and to rest. I've also not delved into too much internally. Everyone and every thing's still there, but I've allowed myself some time to recuperate. There is much work to be done, but I am learning the importance of downtime and not always barreling ahead into the next task/issue to overcome.
It's okay to rest and I don't have to go out of town to do so. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. In the house I grew up in, downtime was wasting time. You could lie down if you were sleeping or if you were sick. Otherwise, there were things to do and resting for 'no good reason' was wasting the day. While I believe in being a hard worker and being productive, I am learning that downtime is just as important. I think many times I apply this same "go, go, go" attitude to my therapeutic work. As long as there's work to be done, I shouldn't be resting. I can rest when it's all done. This approach to therapy does NOT work. It runs me into the ground. I become overwhelmed and exhausted.
I wish I could explain why I always feel I'm on a time crunch with therapy. Things will be worked through in good time. Healing will come. Yet somehow, if it's not on the time frame I feel it should be on, I naturally assume that I'm not working hard enough on healing myself. Sometimes I really wonder where I get these crazy ideas.
My life is good. I have so many blessings. I really am okay with where I am in my life right now. What am I trying to rush through? Where am I trying to get? Sure, I'd like to get through these most recent struggles and memories, but why am I racing with myself to do so?
Anyways, I'm trying to use this break as a chance to just let myself rest. If things need to be discussed in therapy, we'll discuss them. However, a break in my job doesn't mean that I have to amp up the therapy work just because I have the time. I'll post again soon. Until then, just know that I'm here, trying to rest and not be so hard on myself.
It's okay to rest and I don't have to go out of town to do so. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. In the house I grew up in, downtime was wasting time. You could lie down if you were sleeping or if you were sick. Otherwise, there were things to do and resting for 'no good reason' was wasting the day. While I believe in being a hard worker and being productive, I am learning that downtime is just as important. I think many times I apply this same "go, go, go" attitude to my therapeutic work. As long as there's work to be done, I shouldn't be resting. I can rest when it's all done. This approach to therapy does NOT work. It runs me into the ground. I become overwhelmed and exhausted.
I wish I could explain why I always feel I'm on a time crunch with therapy. Things will be worked through in good time. Healing will come. Yet somehow, if it's not on the time frame I feel it should be on, I naturally assume that I'm not working hard enough on healing myself. Sometimes I really wonder where I get these crazy ideas.
My life is good. I have so many blessings. I really am okay with where I am in my life right now. What am I trying to rush through? Where am I trying to get? Sure, I'd like to get through these most recent struggles and memories, but why am I racing with myself to do so?
Anyways, I'm trying to use this break as a chance to just let myself rest. If things need to be discussed in therapy, we'll discuss them. However, a break in my job doesn't mean that I have to amp up the therapy work just because I have the time. I'll post again soon. Until then, just know that I'm here, trying to rest and not be so hard on myself.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Questioning?
The past few days I've found myself questioning everything in my history... I'm pretty sure it's because a new string of events/memories has started surfacing internally... These memories don't feel anything like mine. It feels like I could be telling another person's story...
In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.
I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.
I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?
Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.
This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!
In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.
I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.
I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?
Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.
This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Insurance Co - Win, Patient - Lose
After a 9 month of petitions, correspondence, phone calls, e-mails, faxes, and waiting, my insurance company finally responded to my request for them to cover Therapist. Well, they're response is to not respond. Therapist finally got to talk to someone yesterday afternoon who gave her a direct, indirect answer.
See, my government health insurance divides the US by regions. When I moved to live in the same city as husband (even though I'm still in the same state), I was considered (by my insurance) to have changed regions. Now I live 10 miles outside of the region that Therapist is covered by. I am 40 miles away from Therapist, but if I lived 10 miles further South, they would allow me to see her and cover me. Now, it's taken 9 months to get this much information from them. The only reason we know this much is because Therapist continued to contact them b/c they were not responding to any of our submissions - either from her or from my PCP. When Therapist talked to them yesterday, she was told that they would never have contacted her or me or ever sent me a denial letter. Apparently my request is just automatically voided because I live in a different region that she practices in. I can't even get a denial letter. And we wouldn't have gotten any explanation if therapist hadn't been so persistent. I now know that for them to approve her, I will have to get written documentation from every provider in my region saying they can't or won't treat me. So, if someone 5 hours away (but in my region) agrees, I can drive 5 hours to therapy and they'll pay, but they won't pay if I drive 40 minutes in the 'wrong' direction to see Therapist who I've been with almost 5 years.
What pisses me off more than anything, isn't that they won't cover me (and that pisses me off A LOT). It pisses me off that for 9 months we haven't been able to get a direct answer out of anyone, and they think an acceptable answer is no response at all. Just ignore the request and hope I give up eventually? See, if they give me a denial letter, I have the right to appeal and submit paperwork to present my case. But if they don't respond at all, then I can't appeal and they don't have to grant coverage either. Glad to know the government is really looking out for the mental health of deployed soldiers' families like they claim to be...
Maybe government health care is more affordable. I can go to the doctor whenever I need to and not worry about cost. I do appreciate that. However, I didn't get to choose my doctor - any of my doctors for that matter. And when I really need specific help from a specific provider that my insurance recognizes in another region, I'm not even given a chance to present my case. Heck, the people reviewing my case probably don't even know what DID is, so how are they gonna understand the importance of working with a therapist that we trust?
I think I need to stop for now. I'm liable to post some not nice things that I'll wish I hadn't later. I'm feeling bitter about a lot of so called support I'm supposed to be getting while my husband is risking his life to keep our country safe that I'm not seeing, and this is just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't regret the life my husband and I have chosen. I am so proud of him for what he does. It's just frustrating to hear the government say they're gonna cut you a break, and instead feel you're being treated like a number and that money is more important to them than me. It'd be easier if I was never promised anything. I wouldn't know any different.
I just think this whole thing is stupid. If I'd gotten this answer back in August, I'd have adjusted and budgeted and wouldn't be in huge debt to therapist right now. Therapist is cool about the money I owe her. I can back pay her as I'm able, but if either of us had known this would be the end result, we'd have made other provisions a lot sooner.
It makes me a little sick right now looking at my insurance card. In big letters across the top it says, "The World's Best Health Care for the World's Best Military." Forgive me if I don't agree with their statement about being the world's best health care right now.
See, my government health insurance divides the US by regions. When I moved to live in the same city as husband (even though I'm still in the same state), I was considered (by my insurance) to have changed regions. Now I live 10 miles outside of the region that Therapist is covered by. I am 40 miles away from Therapist, but if I lived 10 miles further South, they would allow me to see her and cover me. Now, it's taken 9 months to get this much information from them. The only reason we know this much is because Therapist continued to contact them b/c they were not responding to any of our submissions - either from her or from my PCP. When Therapist talked to them yesterday, she was told that they would never have contacted her or me or ever sent me a denial letter. Apparently my request is just automatically voided because I live in a different region that she practices in. I can't even get a denial letter. And we wouldn't have gotten any explanation if therapist hadn't been so persistent. I now know that for them to approve her, I will have to get written documentation from every provider in my region saying they can't or won't treat me. So, if someone 5 hours away (but in my region) agrees, I can drive 5 hours to therapy and they'll pay, but they won't pay if I drive 40 minutes in the 'wrong' direction to see Therapist who I've been with almost 5 years.
What pisses me off more than anything, isn't that they won't cover me (and that pisses me off A LOT). It pisses me off that for 9 months we haven't been able to get a direct answer out of anyone, and they think an acceptable answer is no response at all. Just ignore the request and hope I give up eventually? See, if they give me a denial letter, I have the right to appeal and submit paperwork to present my case. But if they don't respond at all, then I can't appeal and they don't have to grant coverage either. Glad to know the government is really looking out for the mental health of deployed soldiers' families like they claim to be...
Maybe government health care is more affordable. I can go to the doctor whenever I need to and not worry about cost. I do appreciate that. However, I didn't get to choose my doctor - any of my doctors for that matter. And when I really need specific help from a specific provider that my insurance recognizes in another region, I'm not even given a chance to present my case. Heck, the people reviewing my case probably don't even know what DID is, so how are they gonna understand the importance of working with a therapist that we trust?
I think I need to stop for now. I'm liable to post some not nice things that I'll wish I hadn't later. I'm feeling bitter about a lot of so called support I'm supposed to be getting while my husband is risking his life to keep our country safe that I'm not seeing, and this is just kind of the straw that broke the camel's back.
I don't regret the life my husband and I have chosen. I am so proud of him for what he does. It's just frustrating to hear the government say they're gonna cut you a break, and instead feel you're being treated like a number and that money is more important to them than me. It'd be easier if I was never promised anything. I wouldn't know any different.
I just think this whole thing is stupid. If I'd gotten this answer back in August, I'd have adjusted and budgeted and wouldn't be in huge debt to therapist right now. Therapist is cool about the money I owe her. I can back pay her as I'm able, but if either of us had known this would be the end result, we'd have made other provisions a lot sooner.
It makes me a little sick right now looking at my insurance card. In big letters across the top it says, "The World's Best Health Care for the World's Best Military." Forgive me if I don't agree with their statement about being the world's best health care right now.
Monday, February 28, 2011
It Feels Like I'm Starting Over
It feels like I'm starting therapy all over again. My mind knows that I am not starting over. My mind knows that where I am is progress. My mind knows that I am now strong enough to do the work I was not able to do before now.
Today, however, I found myself in therapy discussing struggles, feelings, and memories that I spent a lot of time dealing with in therapy almost 5 years ago. I mean, I get it. I'm DID. Just because I worked through my part of it and some other parts worked through their feelings regarding certain memories and issues, it doesn't mean all of me has worked through it.... and it really appears as though A. may not have worked through much of anything yet.
In theory, I'm okay with this. It makes perfect sense on paper. What seems to really be the hardest for me is how many of these feelings are be re-triggered in me. Issues that I thought I'd put behind me have been back in my face the past few days, and I'm feeling them like they just happened yesterday. I feel like I really can't believe I'm about to do all of this all over again. I know it's not all over again, but it sure does feel that way right now.
I just gotta remember that we've done this before. We can do it again. And we're in a better place to handle it this time. Better internal resources and better, more consistent external support.
Am I still allowed to say, "ugh!" though?
Today, however, I found myself in therapy discussing struggles, feelings, and memories that I spent a lot of time dealing with in therapy almost 5 years ago. I mean, I get it. I'm DID. Just because I worked through my part of it and some other parts worked through their feelings regarding certain memories and issues, it doesn't mean all of me has worked through it.... and it really appears as though A. may not have worked through much of anything yet.
In theory, I'm okay with this. It makes perfect sense on paper. What seems to really be the hardest for me is how many of these feelings are be re-triggered in me. Issues that I thought I'd put behind me have been back in my face the past few days, and I'm feeling them like they just happened yesterday. I feel like I really can't believe I'm about to do all of this all over again. I know it's not all over again, but it sure does feel that way right now.
I just gotta remember that we've done this before. We can do it again. And we're in a better place to handle it this time. Better internal resources and better, more consistent external support.
Am I still allowed to say, "ugh!" though?
Monday, February 21, 2011
Sent E-mail to Hubby
I finally created an e-mail I was okay enough with to send to hubby Saturday night. I had decided I wasn't going to say anything about it and let him bring it up when he was ready to talk about it. This has worked well for us in the past. After 2 conversations with him post sending the e-mail, I cracked. I was so nervous of his response that I finally just asked him if he'd read the e-mail. His response, "Yeah, I read it yesterday. Thanks for being so honest and for working so hard to keep me in the loop. I'm definitely praying for you." And that was it..... subject changed.
It totally wasn't what I expected, but I'm not complaining either. I figured he'd have more questions or want to talk about it, but he seemed perfectly content to know I was keeping him in the loop and that I didn't need him to do anything other than pray. This man continues to surprise me. He understands very little about emotions, behavioral health, etc. yet he never seems to waiver no matter what new info or crazy situation I send his way. It is truly amazing, and I feel so blessed. Now, I like to talk, so I would have liked a conversation about the e-mail I sent him, but I'm not going to complain that this is the outcome. He hasn't treated me any different since and for whatever reason, he really really trusts me. If I say I'll be okay, he takes it at face value. It's kinda new to me to have someone this close to me take my words at face value. It seems most people (including myself) are looking for deeper and/or hidden meaning in what I'm saying or not saying. It's an odd experience for me but very refreshing at the same time.
In other news, we saw therapist again today. She checked in with me a bit and then spent most of the rest of the session with A. Bless, we have our work cut out for us. I continue to be amazed at the amount of work and progress that therapist is able to make with A. during our sessions, however, we always seem to have to re-teach and go over some of the basic things A. learned or accepted the last session. Permanency in what she learns these days is still lacking. Still it is progress. And while it's progress that feels like it's ripping my guts out, I am very thankful to have therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to about all of this instead of feeling utterly alone and without a clue how to progress towards healing.
Therapist gave A. a tiny little bear tonight to keep. It's something from the present day. It's something that was not around when were a child. It's something that will hopefully help keep her grounded and out of flashbacks more b/c it is a gift from therapist that requires no gift or payment in return (a new concept for A) and it is something that did not exist when the body was being hurt. A. is already pretty attached to the little guy/gal (keep switching back and forth on whether it looks like a guy or a girl stuffie). I posted a pic below so you can see. I have a feeling it's going to be going everywhere with us for a little while, but I don't care if there's the chance it can help to calm things down inside for a bit.
It totally wasn't what I expected, but I'm not complaining either. I figured he'd have more questions or want to talk about it, but he seemed perfectly content to know I was keeping him in the loop and that I didn't need him to do anything other than pray. This man continues to surprise me. He understands very little about emotions, behavioral health, etc. yet he never seems to waiver no matter what new info or crazy situation I send his way. It is truly amazing, and I feel so blessed. Now, I like to talk, so I would have liked a conversation about the e-mail I sent him, but I'm not going to complain that this is the outcome. He hasn't treated me any different since and for whatever reason, he really really trusts me. If I say I'll be okay, he takes it at face value. It's kinda new to me to have someone this close to me take my words at face value. It seems most people (including myself) are looking for deeper and/or hidden meaning in what I'm saying or not saying. It's an odd experience for me but very refreshing at the same time.
In other news, we saw therapist again today. She checked in with me a bit and then spent most of the rest of the session with A. Bless, we have our work cut out for us. I continue to be amazed at the amount of work and progress that therapist is able to make with A. during our sessions, however, we always seem to have to re-teach and go over some of the basic things A. learned or accepted the last session. Permanency in what she learns these days is still lacking. Still it is progress. And while it's progress that feels like it's ripping my guts out, I am very thankful to have therapist and a couple of good friends I can talk to about all of this instead of feeling utterly alone and without a clue how to progress towards healing.
Therapist gave A. a tiny little bear tonight to keep. It's something from the present day. It's something that was not around when were a child. It's something that will hopefully help keep her grounded and out of flashbacks more b/c it is a gift from therapist that requires no gift or payment in return (a new concept for A) and it is something that did not exist when the body was being hurt. A. is already pretty attached to the little guy/gal (keep switching back and forth on whether it looks like a guy or a girl stuffie). I posted a pic below so you can see. I have a feeling it's going to be going everywhere with us for a little while, but I don't care if there's the chance it can help to calm things down inside for a bit.
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