Thursday, September 30, 2010

Still kicking

Just wanted to take a few minutes to post that I'm still here putting one foot in front of the other. Things have calmed down a little bit from last week, but I'm still dealing with very raw emotions, and feelings of vulnerability and instability that are higher than normal for me.

I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.

We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.

Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.

On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.

All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*

It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Runaway train

My life feels like a runaway train right now. So much has changed, is changing, and is going to change, and it all feels out of my control. Now, I realize lots of things in my life are always out of my control, but lately I seem to be grasping for anything that I can have say-so over. In fact, it's getting so bad that I caught myself restricting my food intake yesterday. I made myself eat once I realized what I was doing, b/c I DO NOT want to go back down that road again, but I'm finding it really hard. Going to the grocery store today about caused a panic attack and all of the food looked disgusting. I'm also having self-injury impulses again. I haven't acted out or really even come close, but it's major sirens inside that I'm even having the impulses.

The military changes my husband's plans, schedule, away training dates, home training dates, deployment date every other day. He reacts and responds much better than me. Sure he gets frustrated, but without a trauma history and 6+ years of military life, he rolls with the punches much better than I do. I hope I get better with time, and I probably can with the military stuff.... but I don't know how to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes from feeling no control over anything in my life and not being able to talk to my husband about it b/c he's always working, my parents about it b/c they freak out and think I'm on a downward spiral again, or most friends b/c they just don't get it.

I'm really missing Tempy right now. She's where she needs to be and is getting an awesome chance for growth and experience, but she's my go to person. Only getting to talk to her for 15 minutes once a week is hard when we used to talk several hours a week. It's a compliment to how awesome she is that I miss her so much, and I know she is exactly where she needs to be and where God wants her to be... I just doesn't help my selfish wish to have her listening ear available right now. I know how God was using her before going to Mercy Ministries, and I am truly excited to see how he will continue to use her when she graduates.

Anyways, it just really sucks to walk around all of the time with your insides screaming "I'm in pain! I need help!" and on the outside still going to my internship and appearing to be fine and have it altogether. It's very reminiscent of the dark valley we were in for so many years and have only experienced some relief from over the past 2 years.

I wish I could hit a pause button on life just long enough to process everything in my mind and all of these emotions and feel like my head is well above water again. But there is no "pause" button or "easy" button.... so I guess it's just one foot in front of the other until this too passes.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Is there a pause button??

There is so much I want to blog about and have been trying to find the time to say. However, right now, my life seems to be moving 100 miles a minute and most of them take me away from the internet.

Hubby is working nights the next 3 nights, so hopefully I'll have time to get a couple of my posts out then. I miss my blog friends and I hope each of you are doing well.

Look for updates very very soon!

My best to all!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Middle School Drama

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Getting used to working (even if it is an unpaid internship) and being a wife has taken up most of my free time. I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog about swirling through my head lately, but finding the time to sit down and type them out has been a much larger challenge than I anticipated. Maybe I'll find time over the long weekend to catch up on some of them, but for right now, I'm going to go where my mind has been today.

I am currently doing my internship in the guidance department at a local middle school. I've seen just about everything in the short month I've been here so far. I've called Department of Children Services for a child whose mother is neglectful. I've called mobile crisis to assess a child who was suicidal in my office. I've talked to parents, teachers, and other school staff about academic and emotional issues.

Most days, thankfully, are not intense home issues or safety issues with my students. Most are girl drama, someone starting rumors, girls fighting over guys, guys fighting over girls, guys fighting just to fight, etc....

Being in middle school working has gotten me thinking back to my middle school days. I'm sure the same drama was going on when I was in middle school, but apparently I was living in my own internal world back then. I remember walking into the bathroom one time and there were 2 girls smoking. They asked me if I was a "nark". At the time I had no clue what a nark was, but I told them I wouldn't tell on them. That is the most drama I remember from middle school.

I remember being totally involved and in love with gymnastics (most of the time). I remember feeling a dysthymic level of depression even back then. I remember having a decent group of girlfriends to hang out with and getting my school work done. I remember thinking boys were cute but having no desire to date them.

When I watch these kids in middle school now and all the drama they either cause or are involved in, it makes me wonder if I was so dissociative back then (even when I was not aware of other parts) that I just missed things going on around me? In fact, most of my life, I tend to stay on the low-side of drama when possible. I'm pretty oblivious to most things going with rumor mills or who's doing what. Most of the time I'm really glad. I've got enough drama in my own life. I really don't like to be involved in others.

I guess I just got to thinking today what middle school would have been like had my head been boring enough for me to care about who was dating whom, who might be pregnant, what girl thought what about another girl, etc? I watch these kids and I know it's hard being in middle school; but I can't help but wish that those were the biggest drama things in my life back then. It also makes me sad to realize that there probably weren't really times in my life when I was talking, speaking, reacting and responding normally to life around me.

Lately it seems these subtle realizations of things current and past are more reaffirming of the abuse than any of the major memories that we've spent a lot of time trying to process. I guess it makes sense, but it still makes me want to say "blah."