Unsettling Side Effects from Current Therapeutic Work

We're carefully broaching, dancing around, and slowly starting some therapeutic work that seems to be met with more resistance than anything we've done so far. It's amazing the physical reactions I'm having just talking about talking about these issues. My most recent, yet consistent symptoms when trying to do this work are a numbing of my arms that starts between my shoulder and elbow and extends to my fingertips and a a numbing of my legs starting mid-thigh and running down through my toes. They still work and do what my brain tells them to do, but they don't feel attached, and they for sure don't feel like mine. In addition to this, whenever therapist starts to try to talk with us about these issues, I get overwhelmingly dizzy and struggle to keep my eyes open. I have this almost impossible to fight urge to just go to sleep, and it takes everything in me to fight it.... which means I actually hear and process very little of what therapist is saying. It's an incredibly effective way for parts inside to shut down communication with therapist, and I've yet to figure out any way to overcome it.

In addition, after each session lately I feel anxious, depressed, and have a great need to find a small place to curl up and just be. We find ourselves wanting to call Therapist to ask for help, but we have no idea what to even ask for or what we need. All we know is everything around us seems to feel incredibly unsafe after sessions. If I really stop and think what might make us feel a little better, it would be to stay with Therapist after sessions and let her just hold us and let us feel safe in her arms. Unfortunately, even if Therapist had the time in her schedule to do this, ethical boundaries would say I can't just stay with her for hours after our session letting her hold us like the body is still a small child. Shoot, if I'm being really honest about what we truly wish for.. We'd ask therapist if we could move in with her and be with her 24/7 until we got through the worst of this.... Being with her is the only time we feel safe right now. My rational mind knows this wouldn't be healthy for me or her, but our emotional mind longs for it.

Ugh. We're starting down a rough road that I can already tell there's no turning back from. :/

Words

I need words that I don't have.

I am having intense, almost overwhelming feelings, yet I have no idea how to express them. Therapist just asked me if I wanted/needed to talk. I turned her down, because I have no idea what to say. I would LOVE to talk to her, but that's just the problem, I don't have the words. Sitting on the phone with her, just sitting there doesn't really help her know better how to help me.

The only words I have found are that I am struck with an intense anxiety. The kind that has your stomach doing flips constantly. In the past, I would have easily popped an Ativan or a Xanax by now. I don't have a Rx for either one of those anymore, and as much as I'd like the help, I'm glad. I worked so hard to get off those meds, and I haven't needed them in so long. I DO NOT want to go back on them. I gotta find another way to stick this out. The anxiety has been waxing and waning for the past few weeks, but on Thursday morning it hit, and hasn't left.

I haven't let the anxiety stop me from doing anything. Although, I will admit all that I want to do is curl up under a blanket and hide from the world. I'm still making myself get out and do things. I'm not giving into this, but it's getting harder.

The most frustrating part is that I have no idea who internally or what is causing this intense anxiety. It's hard to work on making it better when no one will tell you what the issue is. Having intense feelings and having no idea why you're having them is the worst! It makes me feel so stuck.

So yeah, I can vocalize this part, but this is all the words I have. So, as much as I would love to talk to Therapist right now, I'm not sure there's anything she can do. Plus, it's Saturday. No reason to tie her up sitting on the phone with me. She should at least get to enjoy her day, right?

I've been praying for God to take this away, but He hasn't yet. I do trust that His plan is bigger than mine, but this is still oh so hard! So, all I know to do in the meantime is just to sit with it.

Man this sucks!

Satan's Tactics

Last night I had a horrible dream. I've always been a vivid dreamer. My dreams are usually so intricate and detailed, that I am unable to tell that I am dreaming until after I wake up. Many times it takes me awhile after I wake up to fully realize that what just happened was in a dream and not my reality. This morning was one of those mornings. I woke up shaking. I could tell I'd been crying a lot, and for a good 5 minutes, I was convinced my dream was real. Only when I was able to truly realize where I was and what was going on around me did I begin to realize it was a dream and be able to calm down.

Last night I dreamt that my husband was home. He'd been home from deployment for a bit and was daily walking through my current therapy struggles with me. Long story short, in my dream he told me that he'd had enough... that my crazy and my issues were too much for him... he was done.. it was over between us... and there was nothing I can do change his mind. I was heartbroken. The man who has done more to understand than any other man in my life; The man who promised me forever; The man who I adored was walking out. In my dream I was thinking if he wouldn't stay, no one ever will.

Praise God this was only a dream!!! Even though it was a dream, I found myself having a hard time shaking the feelings this morning. I wanted nothing more to call hubby and have him put my mind and heart at ease. Unfortunately, I couldn't do that since he is deployed. Fortunately, I serve a God who is always available. As I turned to God to relieve my pain and fears from this dream, I got hit with a couple of realities:

1. I didn't reach for God first to calm my fears. I was looking for human comfort first. Now, I believe human comfort is good and very much needed. However, I've been learning over the past several years that human comfort doesn't compare to the peace and contentment that God can provide. I'm not beating myself up over this, but it was a good reality check and a good opportunity to refocus my mind on God first and on my family and friends second.

2. Satan uses anything he can to undermine anything positive and healthy in our lives. When I think back over my life, dreams/nightmares are a way that satan has always reached me and tormented me. It's pretty creative and sneaky to attack me in my sleep.. to plant doubts, fears, and horrors in my mind while I sleep. These type of attacks are so much harder to recognize and combat than the obvious and blatant ones. I have no doubt that satan knows this and uses it to his advantage.

These two realities, while not fun, really helped me to regain focus this morning, reality test the dream and put satan back in his place. I ended up having a pretty decent day today. In the past, I would have stayed debilitated internally by a dream like this, but today we let it go and trusted God that he was watching over us, our husband, and the truth.

I count this as a victory, but I wish sometimes there weren't so many battles to fight. The only promise any of us have been given though is that God will see us through all of them and He has won them all. Praise Him for that!

This is Tough

So, I'm still here. The past 4 days have been tough. Moving A. into a room in the common area has allowed us to take better care of her, but her emotions are so painful and so intense, it's really taking a toll on everyone inside. Externally I'm still functioning and participating in life rather well. Internally, the anxiety and sadness is almost overwhelming. I'm able to still reality check well, and that's been invaluable this week b/c nowhere feels safe anymore. Everywhere feels too exposed - even therapist's office, which has always been a safe haven.

Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.

The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.

I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....

The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.

I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.

For now though, we need sleep. More to come.

She Used to Appear So Big and Fierce

This post is sort of a follow-up to the last post in that it's an update of what took place after Monday's therapy session, but it also delves a little bit more into my DID world and into the history regarding the part I discussed in the last post that is struggling so much. To make it easier, I'm going to call this part "A.". That's the first letter of her name. I realize that giving you her name probably wouldn't give too much away, but my anonymity with this blog has always been important to me, and I want to treat her with that same respect until the time she decides she wants to share her name with anyone. So, thanks, and I hope this doesn't make this post too confusing.


Until very very recently, A. has always presented as larger, taller, stronger, and more fierce than any other part or any external person in our life. In all honesty, since we've met her she's appeared internally as large and as strong as the Jolly Green Giant - except she wasn't green. She's also appeared in adult form on the inside. I never knew her age b/c time doesn't mean much to her, but she spoke and talked as an adult and had quick wit. She towered over all of us and had the strength to take over the body at any point and do as she pleased. For many many years I was very afraid of her.

Over the past couple of years, it's continued to be like pulling teeth to get her to really share anything, but what I have learned has been invaluable. While she has mostly presented as a part whose goal has been to harm the body, in reality she is probably one of my strongest protectors. She was present for the worst of the abuse. She struggles the most with the mind games he played. She protected the rest of us from him during the worst moments. As we began to share about the abuse as an adult, she would lash out - hurting us emotionally and physically. I've come to realize though that in her mind, she was protecting us. He told her telling would mean that everyone would hate us... telling would mean we'd have to go live with him forever... Off and on throughout therapy she has presented at times to 'protect us' from lies he made her believe. This protection has always been brought about by fear, force, and injury to the body on her part up until I got married last May.

She sort of went silent around wedding time. She was so against the wedding and I was fearful that she would sabotage not only the event but my future with the man that I love. At the time I assumed she was so resistant b/c the thought of willingly having sex freaked her out. Now I know it runs much deeper than that. She's pretty much stayed silent the last 8 months. I would wonder about her, but I was loving feeling mostly good and being married, so I didn't take the time to look into it too much.

After husband deployed 3 weeks ago, I immediately started noticing an increased level of activity inside and a spike in my anxiety levels so extreme that I thought my heart my burst. Until Monday I was still in the fog about the exact reasons why. I knew it had to do with A., but I had no idea how or what bomb she was going to drop this time. Monday she told therapist that we were no longer safe. She told therapist that he was coming back to get us. A. told therapist that he told her multiple times while hurting her that she belonged to him. If we ever grew up and got married, we'd broken our covenant to him and he would come find us and make us pay. With hubby home for the past 8 months, this fear hadn't made it's way to the surface b/c we felt safe with hubby - almost like he was an external protector, and I think A. felt like he would protect us from the bad man if he did show up. Once hubby deployed, though, all bets were off. Hubby is gone for a long time. A. felt abandoned and wide open for an attack.

A. crumbled in fear and sadness in therapist's office on Monday, and even with therapist close by, A. never stopped shaking. It took the 2 hours to get A. out of freak out stage and to begin the process of trying to convince her that he will not be coming to get her or any of us b/c we got married. It's going to be a long road.

After therapist brought me back forward and got me stabilized enough, I drove home. It's about a 45 minute drive to my home from therapist's office, so I had a lot of time to think and talk to myself. I got a report from other parts that A. never made it back to her internal house (for as long as I've known her, she's been unwilling to share a house with any other parts) and there was a fragile girl around the age of 9 that no one recognized lying on the ground close to A's house. I let another adult part drive the car home safely, and I went to investigate. Looking closely, I realized it was A., but she barely resembled any other form I've ever seen her take. The eyes are really the main clue that gave away that it was her. She looked so frail and tired and she just lied there and quietly sobbed barely even acknowledging any of us.

I couldn't leave her there. Seeing her like that was breaking my heart in a way I've never felt before. I picked her up in my arms, and surprisingly she didn't resist. I took her to the large house where everyone else hangs out, and put her in an empty room with a comfy bed all her own. Since that time all she's done is sleep, cry, and stare at who knows what. She will briefly respond to you if you talk to her, but she won't converse.

How does the part that was the strongest, largest and fiercest go from that to one of the weakest and most fragile parts in the system? And wow! what a turn around! Guess we really are going to have our work cut out for us for awhile. My head is reeling from the internal shift, b/c even if she is fragile right now, she is still very strong emotionally and it's very hard to not get overpowered by her emotions and try to support her where she is right now.

Wow. This post got way longer than I meant for it to. I'll stop here for now and pick up again in a bit.

Ask Me How I Know...

Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:


I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.


Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?

This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??

The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.

Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.

He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.

This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.

And the Nightmares Return

I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.

Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.

I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P

I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?

I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.

I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??

God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.

Hanging On

Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.

He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.

I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...

Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.

Insight... and Just for laughs

So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.

So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.

I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.

And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.

How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!

More Gray

This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.

With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.

We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.

Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.

She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.

Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!

Runaway train

My life feels like a runaway train right now. So much has changed, is changing, and is going to change, and it all feels out of my control. Now, I realize lots of things in my life are always out of my control, but lately I seem to be grasping for anything that I can have say-so over. In fact, it's getting so bad that I caught myself restricting my food intake yesterday. I made myself eat once I realized what I was doing, b/c I DO NOT want to go back down that road again, but I'm finding it really hard. Going to the grocery store today about caused a panic attack and all of the food looked disgusting. I'm also having self-injury impulses again. I haven't acted out or really even come close, but it's major sirens inside that I'm even having the impulses.

The military changes my husband's plans, schedule, away training dates, home training dates, deployment date every other day. He reacts and responds much better than me. Sure he gets frustrated, but without a trauma history and 6+ years of military life, he rolls with the punches much better than I do. I hope I get better with time, and I probably can with the military stuff.... but I don't know how to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes from feeling no control over anything in my life and not being able to talk to my husband about it b/c he's always working, my parents about it b/c they freak out and think I'm on a downward spiral again, or most friends b/c they just don't get it.

I'm really missing Tempy right now. She's where she needs to be and is getting an awesome chance for growth and experience, but she's my go to person. Only getting to talk to her for 15 minutes once a week is hard when we used to talk several hours a week. It's a compliment to how awesome she is that I miss her so much, and I know she is exactly where she needs to be and where God wants her to be... I just doesn't help my selfish wish to have her listening ear available right now. I know how God was using her before going to Mercy Ministries, and I am truly excited to see how he will continue to use her when she graduates.

Anyways, it just really sucks to walk around all of the time with your insides screaming "I'm in pain! I need help!" and on the outside still going to my internship and appearing to be fine and have it altogether. It's very reminiscent of the dark valley we were in for so many years and have only experienced some relief from over the past 2 years.

I wish I could hit a pause button on life just long enough to process everything in my mind and all of these emotions and feel like my head is well above water again. But there is no "pause" button or "easy" button.... so I guess it's just one foot in front of the other until this too passes.

Nightmares

When you have horriffic nightmares every night for years, you are so sure you will never forget what those nights are like and what they do to you... At least that's how I felt. When my nightly nightmares stopped, I was thrilled but was confident I would always remember how horrible they are so I could be grateful for every good night up sleep I get now.

Well, I was totally wrong. I had horrible nightmares last night for the first time in a long time, and I am wiped today. I feel anxious and depressed. I can't stop thinking about my dreams last night. It's amazing how time can help you forget how awful something truly was. Feeling like this today does make it easier to remember why every day was sooooooooooo hard for soooooo long and I felt like I was NEVER going to get relief.

I know I am blessed now in that I typically don't have nightmares two nights in a row and b/c I don't have to be anywhere today so I can just be. But I hate feeling on the verge of tears, depressed and wanting to "justify, explain, argue" the things in my dreams last night. It feels rediculous. The dream was not a memory but a lot of the feelings resulting from the dream can be related to old memories and feelings. And who am I wanting to explain and defend myself to? No one saw the dream but me and it wasn't real.

I didn't get out of bed until noon today, and I know that's a recipie for disaster for me, but I was just so exhausted from the lack of peacful sleep from the night that i couldn't get up when my alarm clock went off. My felt like a lead weight and my eye lids were soooo heavy. So, I didn't fight it today and I gave in to trying to get a small amount of sleep. It did help me feel more rested but I don't think it helped the depression I'm feeling today. blah.

It doesn't help that I will feel guilty tonight from not doing anything today. I mean, I could at least get out and go to the grocery store but the thought of that makes me want to cry. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day. Why does doing what feels comforting when you're feeling bad lead to guilt that I should have done more today - at least the bare minimum?

air bubbles in a water cooler

So, you know what it looks like when those big air bubbles make their way from the bottom of office water coolers? It can be a big or small bubble, but it makes it's way all the way to the top of the water and sort of pops, then it's gone. Sometimes it's more than one bubble too, especially if someone is actively draining the water cooler.

This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.

I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.

Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?

And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?

If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.

Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.

In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.

I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.

Hanging in There

So, I finally have a few seconds of downtime and a few seconds to myself. Whew! It seems the list of final tasks grows longer every time one is checked off rather than shorter. Tomorrow is the last day in my hometown and then Thursday we head to wedding destination city! I think I will be very happy when Thursday gets here. There will still be a lot of work to do, but not near like there has been, and I think my family will relax a bit once we're out of town too. At least I'm praying for that.

Mostly I'll be happy b/c fiancee will be around on Thursday. I am so happy he's getting to spend time with his family at the beach this week, but at the same time I am so frustrated that he is not here helping out and he hasn't been keeping his cell handy so I can reach him when I need to. I had to make an executive decision today b/c he didn't return my call for 4 hours, and I don't think he's thrilled with my choice but the caterer had to know before close of business today. Also, I don't think he means it to be a guilt trip, but both times I've talked to him since Saturday (don't even get me started on how we've only talked twice this week. We talked more often than that when he was deployed.) he tells me how his family misses me and wishes I was there. What I want to say back to him is: Well, tell them to make the 4 hour drive over to the wedding and they can see me. And don't expect me to feel sorry for you lying by the pool or on the beach when I'm back here working my tail off for the wedding that YOU wanted. If it had been up to me, we would have eloped from the beginning.

I do want to clarify that I think this weekend is going to be amazing and that once it starts I will enjoy most every minute of it. Right now I'm just feeling tired, frustrated, anxious, and a little bitter. Oh and did I mention that I'm on my period this week??? May be great for the honeymoon but sucks right now!

Well, glad I at least got to vent for a bit. Should probably go mark a few more things off of my "to do" list. Hopefully my next post will be a much more lighthearted and elated one.

Familiar craziness

Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.

A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.

During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.

The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.

I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.

For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P

A little better

I didn't mean for an entire week to go by without posting a blog entry. The good news is that I got some at least temporary relief from last week's issues and got so caught up and busy during this week that I haven't found the time to blog.

One of the key things that I believe has helped me so much more this week came from a realization that I had last week about it being February. Now, I say "I came to a realization" but I'm pretty sure it was a part inside pounding it into my head until I actually listened. Being able to cut myself slack that this is only the 2nd Feb. in 7 years that I haven't been inpatient has really helped a lot. It didn't make anything better, but it helped let off of the shame and guilt I was feeling for not being able to keep things together as well as I'd liked.

I also talked to a very good friend about my fears and shame related to being intimate with my soon to be husband. On one hand I hate that she can absolutely relate to those feelings, but on the other hand, her insight was extremely helpful in helping me keep my thoughts in check so I don't automatically assume the worst.

I spent the weekend with 6 very good girlfriends from college, all of whom are married. The conversations over the weekend helped me better understand what is normal relationship stuff and what are the things I really need to address with fiance. I was amazed at how many things I thought were abnormal to me are very common in most relationships. I guess this is what happens when you've spent most of your life too scared to have a significant relationship with the opposite sex.

The current therapeutic challenge is to help a few parts that are really struggling with the idea of us purposely having sex and it being an okay thing. In fact, just dancing around the topic in session on Monday caused one part to get so upset that I became nauseous and had the old feeling that my body was disgusting. I'm healthy enough not to act on any impulses, but I wanted more than anything to rip my skin off so I could get out of this filth we're forced to live in on a regular basis.

These thoughts kind of freaked me out a bit on Monday. I, at least, don't often feel disgusted in my own body anymore and rarely have impulses to self-harm anymore. I was amazed at how strongly I felt all of these feelings during and after session Monday. Thankfully, they only lasted an hour or so and my external life got busy; I got distracted, and now just plan to leave it contained until Monday's session.

Seems we definitely know where our work needs to go in therapy though. Ugh. I know it's necessary, and I'm on board with doing the work, but I really really hate the work that makes you feel like shit in the process of trying to get to where you feel better. I can only hope and pray that one day I will run out of this type of therapeutic work to do.

Fear

The more I think about telling fiancee that I am actually a we, the more I don't want to do it. My cognitive mind knows I still need to tell him, but no other parts come out when I'm around him, and it doesn't feel near as pressing. Plus, even though he's being great, he doesn't understand much, and something he told me when he talked last weekend is that there have been moments of hesitations on his part based on the little information he has - which is basically that I was sexually abused as a child. After talking with therapist this week, I know I need to find out what his fears and hesitations were that he "worked through". That information may help me know how to proceed when I'm ready and will hopefully alleviate some fears on my part when I understand what his fears are. I never thought someone seeing you genuinely doing well, would actually inhibit your ability to help them understand that there is more than one facet to you. I always thought the better I was doing when I did tell my future husband, the easier it would be because it would seem less scary. Seems this is not the case at least with my fiancee. He is confused by the few things I've told him b/c he can't see that stuff in me.

I know a lot of it is just going to take time. I am in such a different place than I was a few months before we met, but he was also gone for a year and not interacting with me day in and day out. Maybe the longer he's home, the easier it will become to talk to him and tell him about this part of my life b/c he will see it naturally with us being together a lot more.

I just can't help the thoughts right now going through my head of "what if we do scare him off???" What if he decides he doesn't want to marry me/us? We're far from crazy, and we know that, but he's so naive, I'm not sure he'll be able to distinguish the difference.

I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter right now. The plan for the next month is just to spend time with him, enjoying the holidays, and getting reacquainted with one another. A lot of my fears may naturally subside during this period or talking to him and explaining things may become easier.

Blah. I hate feeling like I'm complaining over 2 great blessings in my life: 1. continuing healing 2. a man that I love and loves me back.

Just need to relax and enjoy the holidays and pick the fear back up in January sometime.

And I thought I was a planner..

I was on the phone with fiance' last night. At first the talk was going great. He'll be home in 2 weeks and said things should be settled down enough that we can plan and book our honeymoon in February. As of now there's no reason we won't be able to take it right after our wedding, but in Feb. we'll know for sure when we can go and can actually book the trip!!

This is where the conversation turned. The reason we won't know for sure until Feb. is because in March his unit will be 12 months out from their next deployment, and that's when they'll start gearing up for training again. It kills me that he already knows his next deployment date before he's even home from this deployment. I know he's telling me these things to explain that our wedding and honeymoon should fall at a good time as far as the military's concerned, but right now I just feel worse. He said he probably won't start traveling for training until July or Aug. - another way to say our honeymoon should be approved. The summer before his last deployment, he had to take 2 one month long training missions with the Army. So, in essence, he was telling me that less than 2 months after we're married, he'll be gone for a month and this probably won't be his only trip before he deploys again March 2011.

I did stop him and say, "Babe, can we just get through this deployment before you start talking about the next?" He was sweet and said of course. We talked about other things and then he had to go. Unfortunately, while I was able to get him to stop talking about it, we haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've cried off and on last night and all day today about it. I love him so much, and I know he is the man I want to marry, but I don't know if I can handle military life. How long will we be together before we're actually together longer than we've been apart? I feel so selfish wanting a husband who will actually be around and be a support. I am so proud of what he does, and I know he doesn't enjoy being away from me all the time either. Also, it will just be the first 5 years of our marriage, and praying we get to be married for a long time to come, I know that can be a drop in the bucket.

But right now I'm feeling scared and unsure. I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this though because I'm so afraid it will be misconstrued as doubt about marrying fiance'. And I feel selfish for saying I don't like what fiance' can offer me right now. It's not his fault when he had to deploy or when he has to go to training. I've been aware this went a long with him since our 3rd date.

And then I tell myself, this doesn't even matter right now, and I need to stick to the same thing that I told him. Get through this deployment, enjoy his time home, our wedding, and then start worrying about his next deployment.

Blah...

Water Works

So the tears started falling earlier today and they've barely stopped. Right now it feels as though I may never stop crying, but rationality tells me that's not true. I don't know all of the reasons I'm crying. Part of it I'm sure is hormonal. Another part is stress and anxiety related to upcoming events and conversations to be had. Another part is frustration-not at friends-but at myself for feeling like I can't be there for a few of my friends who are really struggling despite how badly I'd like to help them. I'm mad at myself too. In my efforts to help one friend, I think I may have inadvertently made things worse, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't know yet if my efforts will result in a negative outcome, and I won't for a few days, but I so wish I would think before I act sometimes. Even if things work out better than I could hope, I still think it was a stupid move on my part.

Stupid emotions! I was always so careful, so calculated in every decision I made before they came into the picture. I would always think things through, make the logical choice, and know 99% of the time I was making the right and/or best decision. Now I find myself making decisions based upon what I feel is right. I HATE IT! You make potential stupid mistakes when you decide things based upon what you feel without thinking everything all of the way through. I've had feelings long enough to experience good feelings and bad feeling, and I still would give them all back in a heartbeat if I could. Even the great feelings I've had aren't enough to make up for the bad feelings or the ones that cloud my mind and cause me to do things without thinking.

If the situation doesn't work as I hope, I can only pray that my friend will understand that my heart was in the right place, and when I "tried to help" it was because I want so much better for her than what she has now. I don't expect her not to be mad. I only pray that she will forgive me with time.

Wondering if maybe I should just go back to only focusing on myself. At least then I'm only screwing up my own life.

Tears, tears, tears. Maybe this is all one big pity party and I need to grow up and get it together. Everyone makes mistakes. The majority of the human race has feelings. The majority of the human race deals with it. We just need to deal with it too.

I hate days when we do things where we feel like a total idiot and know there's no way to remedy the situation.... You just gotta wait it out.

Alone vs. Lonely

This topic has been on my mind a lot over the past several days. For the purpose of explaining my post, I'm going to give you my current working definitions for each word.


Alone: by oneself. no one else is around.

Lonely: feelings of being isolated or like no one is really around whether people are actually present or not.


Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing for us. In fact, because there are so many of us internally, we need 'alone' time from other external people to recouperate, relax, work through things we're not comfortable working on with others present, and to just be us whatever that may look like.


On the other hand, we're learning we don't handle lonely very well at all, and for us, lonely has nothing to do with how many people are around. Lonely does typically start with too much alone time, but for us, can and has persisted even into time periods when we're surrounded by many people we know. Looking back over the past several years, we can see where lonliness has been a contributing factor to some of our mental/emotional declines. It seems the feelings accompanying the lonliness (the depression and anxiety) tend to weaken the effectiveness of our coping skills, thus making it harder for us to cope with and bounce back from life challenges.

This topic has been on my mind a lot the past several days because we have become aware that we are lonely in our new city. We know several people at work and in classes, but we have no friends to do stuff with outside of work or class. This has been compounded by the fact that we have had very little time to work on developing friendships because most freetime is taken up by homework and writing papers. Typically we survive this okay during the week because free time is very limited. Bedtime and the weekends are when we struggle most. This past weekend was a prime example of this. We had no real weekend plans other than working on homework, studying for a test, and cheering on our favorite football team on TV. We ended up going to visit a cousin and spending the night with her family Saturday night. At first, it was decided just because we had some freetime and we wanted to hang out with her. By the time, it was actually time to make the trip to her house, it was a needed visit. We actually started feeling so depressed and anxious Saturday afternoon (even though we were preparing to go to cousin's house for the night and the next day) that we text therapist to see if she was busy. She did text us back but said she wasn't in a place to talk. Since we weren't in crisis at that moment, we told her it was okay. We'd just catch her up on the situation either by e-mail or at our next session.

Once we actually got to cousin's house (a place where we are known as a "we" and have only been show support and unconditional love) all of the bad feelings disappeared and we had an enjoyable evening and and enjoyable Sunday. On the car ride back to our place Sunday night, all of those awful feelings began to creep back in. Heading back to our apt (while it feels safe) meant starting another week of lonliness. We realized we are living for the weekends right now and now want to make plans to be somewhere other than here every weekend from now until December. Fiance' will be home in December. He is great at taking away our lonliness, plus he knows tons of people here that he can introduce me to and help me begin to build my own friendships with people he's already deemed safe and trustworthy.

On one hand, this is great insight for us. To learn something that is a major trigger for our emotional health is a great way for us to figure out ways to compensate, avoid for the moment, and work on overcoming so it may not always be a major issue. On the other hand, this reality scares us. We are very aware that we are going to have to take proactive steps over the next several weeks to make sure things don't get worse than they are now. Right now they are NOT FUN, but they are manageable. We are not feeling urges to self harm or do anything drastic. We are not struggling with work or classes. Our depressive feelings are not consistent. They fluctuate - which is good for us. As long as we know we can continue to come out of the low periods, then fighting through them is not near as challenging.

It feels good being aware of this struggle we have right now soon enough that we can do things to help before it's too late, but at the same time, it really sucks that we're having to choose to take proactive measures again to avoid a really bad place. Praise God, we are not doing this alone. We talked about all of this with therapist today, and she is willing to step things up with us and be available as we may need her to. This alone has helped to ease fears of what the next few weeks may bring, and my hope is that a couple of months from now I will be writing a blog entry stating how long and inconsequential this post ended up being.... that my fears of what may happen were WAY bigger than what actually occurred. I will be okay with admitting I was off on this one though. ;)