Friday, December 18, 2009


The more I think about telling fiancee that I am actually a we, the more I don't want to do it. My cognitive mind knows I still need to tell him, but no other parts come out when I'm around him, and it doesn't feel near as pressing. Plus, even though he's being great, he doesn't understand much, and something he told me when he talked last weekend is that there have been moments of hesitations on his part based on the little information he has - which is basically that I was sexually abused as a child. After talking with therapist this week, I know I need to find out what his fears and hesitations were that he "worked through". That information may help me know how to proceed when I'm ready and will hopefully alleviate some fears on my part when I understand what his fears are. I never thought someone seeing you genuinely doing well, would actually inhibit your ability to help them understand that there is more than one facet to you. I always thought the better I was doing when I did tell my future husband, the easier it would be because it would seem less scary. Seems this is not the case at least with my fiancee. He is confused by the few things I've told him b/c he can't see that stuff in me.

I know a lot of it is just going to take time. I am in such a different place than I was a few months before we met, but he was also gone for a year and not interacting with me day in and day out. Maybe the longer he's home, the easier it will become to talk to him and tell him about this part of my life b/c he will see it naturally with us being together a lot more.

I just can't help the thoughts right now going through my head of "what if we do scare him off???" What if he decides he doesn't want to marry me/us? We're far from crazy, and we know that, but he's so naive, I'm not sure he'll be able to distinguish the difference.

I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter right now. The plan for the next month is just to spend time with him, enjoying the holidays, and getting reacquainted with one another. A lot of my fears may naturally subside during this period or talking to him and explaining things may become easier.

Blah. I hate feeling like I'm complaining over 2 great blessings in my life: 1. continuing healing 2. a man that I love and loves me back.

Just need to relax and enjoy the holidays and pick the fear back up in January sometime.

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