I wanted to write this post over the weekend, but I never found the time. Now I think I’m glad I had a few more days b/c I have even more clarity on the topic.
I graduated in December with my School Counseling degree. I got my Master’s in Counseling back in 2005. Individual and small group counseling is what my heart’s always been drawn towards, but for many years my own issues kept me from being in a place to truly support my clients like they deserved. I worked an administrative and research job for 3 ½ years after graduating in 2005. The job was okay, but my heart wasn’t in it. I still wanted to do counseling, but after several hospitalizations and warnings from my inpatient treatment team that pursuing mental health counseling as a job could be very detrimental to my well-being, I gave up on the idea of using my Master’s degree.
Still wanting to be in some sort of counseling, I went back to school and obtained my Ed.S. in school counseling. It’s a stressful job, but in very different ways than mental health counseling. While I was in school, I had a graduate assistantship in the counseling office on campus. Since I had my master’s degree, they set me up in an office and had me counseling college students. I'll admit it. I was nervous about doing real counseling, but my heart still wanted to give it a try. I LOVED it!! I liked the one on one time with my clients. I liked getting to know them. I liked being able to talk to them for a good 45 minutes to an hour. It turns out, I’m not too shabby of a counselor either. I for sure still have TONS to learn, but it’s cool knowing that I helped some people during my time there.
For the past 6 weeks, I’ve been working as a school counselor at a local high school for a counselor who’s been on maternity leave. I don’t mind this job. I like the people I work with, and schools desperately need school counselors. With that said, I know without a doubt that this is NOT what I want to do for the rest of my life. Last Friday and yesterday gave me a tangible example of why this job will never be satisfying for me.
A student brought a doctor's note in on Friday on a prescription pad. The doctor had written a prescription for this student to listen to her iPod whenever she wanted due to severe anxiety and depression issues. Obviously schools don't allow this, so as a guidance department, we had to inform the teachers and work out a plan so this student could listen to her music when she got overwhelmed. After only 5 weeks on the job, I found myself rolling my eyes at this doctor's prescription. I automatically assumed this student had her doctor snowed, and I assumed this doctor must be a quack. See, as a school counselor, you're forced to make judgments about students all the time. You must decide who is really in crisis and who just wants attention. You can't talk to a student just b/c they walk in and want to talk b/c every minute you spend talking to them is a minute they're not in the classroom running. On top of that, you have about 400 students you're in charge of and have to meet the needs of. Students need to know you're there, but you must have even more strict boundaries about what that means. All we have time for is "band-aid" therapy. If students need extra help or long-term therapy, we refer them to a community counselor or social worker.
Anyways, I didn't think much about it that morning. I didn't personally talk to the student, and I was running in a million different directions that day. Later in the day, I received a call from the principal asking me to call that student up and talk to her. This student had her cell phone taken up b/c she had it out and our school has a strict 'no phone' policy. Our principal was enforcing the punishment, but she did want us to check on the student and make sure she was okay. I called the student up and talked to her for about 15 minutes. My heart sank. This poor girl really does have major anxiety issues.. and not faked ones. I could see so much of what I feel a lot of the time all over her face and in her body movements. She desperately needed someone to care and support. Obviously I couldn't reverse the punishment, but I let her talk. I asked her to share with me what helps her anxiety decrease and we worked on simple stuff like deep breathing and reality testing in my office. I did call this student's mom for her. The mom agreed to come by the school at the end of the day and pick up the girl's cell phone. If a parent comes and gets the phone, they can get it at the end of the same day it's taken up. Otherwise, the student doesn't get the phone back for 2 school days (in this case it would have been over a weekend too). I was able to send the student back to class a little less shakey and with a small smile on her face. I thought this was enough to convince me that I didn't want to be a school counselor who barely got to be there for the people she works with. I wanted to be a counselor who really helps people work through their issues and helps them help themselves through it.
Yesterday, I saw this student again briefly. It was for a completely unrelated matter, but she walked in my office, sat down in a chair and smiled at me. I got the chance to ask her about her weekend and make sure she was able to get her cell phone Friday afternoon. It's obvious she still has constant anxiety issues, but I made a small difference for her, and I could see it in her eyes on Monday. I want to be able to do this on a regular basis - not on the random occassion that my job allows.
This job ends on Thursday. I don't have another job lined up, and husband and I are moving to another state in 5 1/2 months, so it may be awhile before I can get a counseling job, but I know it's what I'm being called to, and I look forward to walking it out with others when God says the time is right for me to have a job like that again.
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
First impressions
First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.
This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.
How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.
This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)
Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.
So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.
Stuff like this just gets me thinking....
This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.
How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.
This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)
Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.
So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.
Stuff like this just gets me thinking....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hello craziness!
Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ramblings about my week
I can't believe another week has gone by between blog entries. Things seem to be going a mile a minute right now. Crackers and Juice (aka Tempy) came to visit for the weekend. She has an awesome designing talent and hand designed my wedding invitations. Not being near as artistic as she is, she flew down to print them, cut them, and help me assemble them (well, really I think I helped her assemble them). A project that should have taken about a day and a half ended up taking almost 3 days due to ignorant people in this redneck town I'm currently living in. We ran into issues at FedEx with their inability to correctly cut the special paper Tempy ordered for me, issues at Hobby Lobby changing their ribbon color and style slightly while claiming it's the exact same thing, and issues finding a stupid UHU glue stick at office stores that claimed to be carriers. I don't think I could have kept away the tears and laughed so hard if Tempy wasn't with me. Well, the DQ blizzard helped some too.
Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!
Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.
The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.
I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.
Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.
Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!
Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!
Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.
The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.
I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.
Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.
Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Didn't Sleep It Off
For the first time in what feels like quite awhile, I wasn't able to sleep last night's feelings off. I woke up feeling pretty miserable this morning. In fact, it was really hard to wake up and I didn't even get out of my pajamas until after noon. I ended up being pretty productive today despite that fact. Actually, once I got going, I really used distraction to my advantage.
My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.
It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.
I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.
Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.
It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.
This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.
My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.
It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.
I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.
Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.
It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.
This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fiancee is coming to therapy
Fiancee is coming with me to therapy on Monday afternoon. Eek! Therapist and I talked about this today, and the goal for Monday is just to help fiancee truly understand how PTSD manifests itself in someone who was sexually abused as a child and what that can mean in general for an adult. From there, I'll hopefully be able to explain more about how the PTSD manifests itself specifically in me, including the dissociation. I want him to not only understand current and potential struggles, but I want him to have an idea of where I've been, so he can share in my victories as well.
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Holiday Highlights
I feel so much has happened in the last few days, and I'm too tired to blog about it all. I've decided to hit the highlights tonight and come back and blog in more detail later the things I decide I want/need to.
- Friend that was in the ICU came through surgery well and will hopefully discharge tomorrow. Still going to be on oxygen for awhile and has a long road, but he's slowly improving.
- All of my dad's family was in town for Thanksgiving, and it was awesome!! We rarely all get together anymore, and it was so much fun, not to mention all of the good food!!!!
- My wedding dress came in this week, so my mom, sister, and female cousins came with me to my first fitting on Friday. It should have been an exciting event.
- Wedding dress looked nothing like it was supposed to. The coloring was wrong and it was 2 sizes too big. Plus, there was a big black spot on the train that the store owner swears she didn't do. I was crushed! I hated the dress, but we've already paid for 1/2 of it, and it's non-returnable according to the manufacturer, so now I have to fight it out with the store owner.
- Mom knew how upset I was about the dress despite me trying to hide it, so she got me up early Saturday morning and we went wedding dress shopping again. I fell in LOVE with a dress at the store we went to on Saturday and my amazing mother bought that dress for me. So for the time being, I have 2 wedding dresses. The new dress was made for me though. I love it and am no longer distraught but am excited to walk down the aisle in a few months knowing I will look like a princess.
- Saturday night got a phone call from the Army. Fiancee will be home on Friday (my birthday) very early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!
- Tonight at church, a good friend of mine told me a friend of her's committed suicide yesterday (I didn't know the girl). Losing 2 friends, a professor, and an uncle to suicide in the last 5 years, I know the pain she's feeling right now.... and that thought pattern of.... if I'd only known, maybe I could have done something....
All of this on top of the crazy week with co-worker has left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I really do not enjoy going from high to low to high to low, etc.. with my emotions. Seems I learned some emotion regulation skills along the way, but they're not really working in my current setting. It's amazing how much even positive stuff can drain you.
This upcoming week there's likely to be confrontation at work with co-worker (thankfully it's my last week at work til after Christmas) and fiancee coming home on Friday is going to be completely awesome and incredibly emotionally exhausting at the same time. I have been so blessed in so many ways over the past week despite some of the rough spots. My current stressors are "normal people" stressors, so that helps me not beat myself up over them for possibly overreacting, but it does make me want a day or two break from life so I can recouperate.
Life is crazy!!!! I think Phil Collins sums up my life best right now with a line from one of his songs - " I love this awful, beautiful life!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Talked to Supervisor
First of all, thanks TheSameSky for being willing to fly across the pond and put my co-worker in his place. :D Thankfully, we have been able to handle this one ourselves.
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Rough Day
I've had it with co-worker!!! I've done my best to be a team player since his explosion a few weeks ago, but today..... Well, enough's enough! Apparently he's not going to get over his issues of having to share an office with me 2 hours out of the day 3 days a week, and I'm not willing to take his crap anymore. I'm tired of ignoring his name calling and responding to all of his snide remarks with sarcasm and blowing him off. Technically I have enough on him that I could file a grievance/harrassment charge with Human Resources. Another co-worker thinks I should, but first I'm talking to our supervisor tomorrow and giving him one final chance to handle it in house. I don't want to make a scene. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE drama!!
Today's final straw: He pounded on the door and attempted to walk into the office while I was meeting with a client because he forgot his umbrella. That was just wrong on so many levels!!!! Not to mention there wasn't a cloud in the sky today. Rather than going into all of the reasons why what he was doing was ethically wrong and confidentially violating to my client, I'd like to focus this post on how this is another blatant example of his disrespect for me as a therapist, as a co-worker, and as a human being.
I'm so thrilled that my therapist is taking vacation this whole week. She doesn't take enough time off. But right about now, I'm thinking... Seriously??? Her vacation had to be this week?????
I talked to 2 of my co-workers today - not to gossip but to make sure I wasn't over or under reacting to the situation and to get ideas on the best way to talk to my supervisor. I would have loved to talk to supervisor today but he was booked solid towards the end of the day, and I had class tonight. So I couldn't stay late. He's booked solid tomorrow, but I don't have class, so I'll stay after hours to talk to him if I have to.
Basically, my other co-workers said it's time I tell supervisor that I'm not putting up with it anymore. Being a therapist is draining enough and I don't deserve to use any spare energy I have fighting off offensive jabs from a co-worker. One wants me to do an ultimatum... Ask supervisor to choose co-worker or me. Not sure I'm brave enough to do that, but I will mention that I can file a harrassment suit if I need to, and I can also go to those that hired me and ask for another assignment. Either of those take the situation out of house and will make other powers that be on campus aware of the issue. I know that wouldn't make my supervisor look good. My last day for this semsester is Dec. 9, and I don't start back at work til Jan. 14. I plan to tell him he has until Jan. 14 to figure out how things are going to be different (as in getting me my own office or making sure we don't overlap work times at all) or I will be taking more drastic measures.
I haven't worked this hard and this long in therapy for some grouchy old man who barely does anything at work to slowly pick away at my self-esteem and energy reserve. I feel so burnt out right now and the sad thing is that it has nothing to do with the clients or amount of clients I've been seeing.
Christmas break can't get here soon enough!!
Today's final straw: He pounded on the door and attempted to walk into the office while I was meeting with a client because he forgot his umbrella. That was just wrong on so many levels!!!! Not to mention there wasn't a cloud in the sky today. Rather than going into all of the reasons why what he was doing was ethically wrong and confidentially violating to my client, I'd like to focus this post on how this is another blatant example of his disrespect for me as a therapist, as a co-worker, and as a human being.
I'm so thrilled that my therapist is taking vacation this whole week. She doesn't take enough time off. But right about now, I'm thinking... Seriously??? Her vacation had to be this week?????
I talked to 2 of my co-workers today - not to gossip but to make sure I wasn't over or under reacting to the situation and to get ideas on the best way to talk to my supervisor. I would have loved to talk to supervisor today but he was booked solid towards the end of the day, and I had class tonight. So I couldn't stay late. He's booked solid tomorrow, but I don't have class, so I'll stay after hours to talk to him if I have to.
Basically, my other co-workers said it's time I tell supervisor that I'm not putting up with it anymore. Being a therapist is draining enough and I don't deserve to use any spare energy I have fighting off offensive jabs from a co-worker. One wants me to do an ultimatum... Ask supervisor to choose co-worker or me. Not sure I'm brave enough to do that, but I will mention that I can file a harrassment suit if I need to, and I can also go to those that hired me and ask for another assignment. Either of those take the situation out of house and will make other powers that be on campus aware of the issue. I know that wouldn't make my supervisor look good. My last day for this semsester is Dec. 9, and I don't start back at work til Jan. 14. I plan to tell him he has until Jan. 14 to figure out how things are going to be different (as in getting me my own office or making sure we don't overlap work times at all) or I will be taking more drastic measures.
I haven't worked this hard and this long in therapy for some grouchy old man who barely does anything at work to slowly pick away at my self-esteem and energy reserve. I feel so burnt out right now and the sad thing is that it has nothing to do with the clients or amount of clients I've been seeing.
Christmas break can't get here soon enough!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
First Client With an Ab*se History - TW
I made it about 9 weeks into my job as a counselor dealing with about everything under the sun with my clients except abuse issues. Today I met with a sweet girl for the second time and she revealed that she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her father for most of her life. She presented to me originally with signs of depression and trouble focusing on school work. After much discussion and probing as to why this is the first semester she's struggled with these issues in college, she shared that she's in her mental health rotation for her nursing degree and finds a lot of the topics hit really close to home. In other words, her classes this semester are constantly triggering the mess out of her. She's spent the past 4 years since she left home stuffing emotions and as many memories as she could. As many of you know, that works well for awhile, but eventually the walls come crashing down and you feel as though you whole world is falling apart.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
Friday, October 23, 2009
maybe not all old coping skills are bad
So due to all of the drama/chaos at work this week with the A&D counselor in our office, we consciously or unconsciously (I'm not sure) employed a very old coping skill that had worked very well for us in the past. I didn't really even think about the fact that we'd done that until talking in therapy today. Most of the coping skills from my childhood and life before therapy, we've basically thrown out the window b/c while they may have been helpful then, they're not so helpful now.
This week we implemented our "calm, cool, and collected approach during the actual crisis". This is typically followed by an "after the crisis is resolved meltdown". Once defensive walls go down and the reality of the situation sinks in, typically we get overwhelmed and have all or more of the feelings you would have expected us to have in the moment. It's not that this has ever been a "bad" coping mechanism. It's more that the feelings and emotions that follow when we feel "safe" again are rather overwhelming and can be debilitating.
This time, I'm thinking this approach may have actually helped to prevent some additional crises. I still think as things slow down over the weekend and we begin to let our defenses down, some feelings of events from this past week will surface, and while they will probably be uncomfortable, I don't think they'll be overwhelming. I think our laid back approach that voids all emotions in the situations may have helped b/c it did not give my co-worker any ammo from me to allow another excuse for an escalation on his part or for me to have to endure the personal attack that he poured onto another co-worker in our office earlier this week (the attack that I expected would have been targeted at me). The laid back, clear head, no feelings approach helped us lie low the rest of the week at work and avoid any more conflicts, while at the same time allowing us the ability to talk to our supervisor about the problems and use our words well because the mind stayed clear.
We were also blessed to have 2 evenings this week of social interaction unrelated to school. Maybe some of the people we met at these events will become friends down the road and we won't always feel so utterly alone in this town.
It's interesting for me to note that as stressful and horrific as parts of this past week have been, I'd rather do this week over again than the one before. This week was stressful, frustrating, and draining, but no part of it was debilitating. Last week the depression was so debilitating, not only did I feel awful, but I was unable to get anything accomplished.... and there was a huge fear of the unknown of when the depression would lift. The stress this week will probably continue into next week at work, but I see solutions to those issues. Amazing how that one little thing makes a situation feel reasonably easy to bounce back from or like an obstacle that's completely too big to overcome.
This week we implemented our "calm, cool, and collected approach during the actual crisis". This is typically followed by an "after the crisis is resolved meltdown". Once defensive walls go down and the reality of the situation sinks in, typically we get overwhelmed and have all or more of the feelings you would have expected us to have in the moment. It's not that this has ever been a "bad" coping mechanism. It's more that the feelings and emotions that follow when we feel "safe" again are rather overwhelming and can be debilitating.
This time, I'm thinking this approach may have actually helped to prevent some additional crises. I still think as things slow down over the weekend and we begin to let our defenses down, some feelings of events from this past week will surface, and while they will probably be uncomfortable, I don't think they'll be overwhelming. I think our laid back approach that voids all emotions in the situations may have helped b/c it did not give my co-worker any ammo from me to allow another excuse for an escalation on his part or for me to have to endure the personal attack that he poured onto another co-worker in our office earlier this week (the attack that I expected would have been targeted at me). The laid back, clear head, no feelings approach helped us lie low the rest of the week at work and avoid any more conflicts, while at the same time allowing us the ability to talk to our supervisor about the problems and use our words well because the mind stayed clear.
We were also blessed to have 2 evenings this week of social interaction unrelated to school. Maybe some of the people we met at these events will become friends down the road and we won't always feel so utterly alone in this town.
It's interesting for me to note that as stressful and horrific as parts of this past week have been, I'd rather do this week over again than the one before. This week was stressful, frustrating, and draining, but no part of it was debilitating. Last week the depression was so debilitating, not only did I feel awful, but I was unable to get anything accomplished.... and there was a huge fear of the unknown of when the depression would lift. The stress this week will probably continue into next week at work, but I see solutions to those issues. Amazing how that one little thing makes a situation feel reasonably easy to bounce back from or like an obstacle that's completely too big to overcome.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
work
Too exhausted tonight to write as much about this topic as I feel we need to. Just really felt to need to say that I never thought the hardest part of working as a therapist would be my co-workers. I really assumed it would be my clients issues overwhelming me or me relating too much to my clients to be able to help them like they deserved. Instead, my main struggles have been with the A&D counselor in our office. This week he's made all of our lives a living hell. I can't begin to go into all of it right now... All of my energy this week has been going into surviving work, school, and trying not to get a cold. Maybe I can write a full entry tomorrow evening after our meeting and I'll have good news to share.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Emotional Rollercoaster
Today has been a crazy emotional rollercoaster and it's only 5pm. We woke up feeling blah. Last night was full of crazy dreams and today is the 4th day in a row of cool, cloudy, drizzly weather. If I wanted to live in a place where it rained all the time, I'd move to the west coast or to Great Brittain. This is supposed to be our dry season when we're praying for a certain amount of rain, so things don't get so dry that the state bans bonfires. Camping, bonfires, and s'mores are what you're supposed to be doing this time of year.
Anyways, I make it to work only to be informed by the counselor I share an office with that I can't use our office today because he has lots of work to do, and I need to use an office of one of the counselors away at a conference today. First of all, the fact that two counselors have to share an office isn't right. Secondly, this counselor has been on vacation the past 2 weeks and expects to just walk back in and own the office again. We're both contract, and technically equal. He has no more right to that office than I do. I have no problem being a team player, but since at least some parts inside have learned we don't deserve to be walked all over, we don't take people's crap like we used to. I learned last week that he made the girl who had position last year cry several times. He will not be making me cry. I did use another office for one of my sessions today b/c I got permission to, and I didn't trust us to not totally go off on co-counselor today. The combination of the weather, lonliness, and the fact that we're on our period seemed like a bad combination to have it out with someone today. Part of me feels sorry for this co-worker. He's in his mid-50s, bitter, alone (he's good at running people off), and never has anything positive to say. I'm easy bait when he's looking to assert his power or get someone to feel as bad as he does. I share an office with him. I'm 30 years younger than him. I'm female. I could go on. I informed my supervisor when we met today that I didn't need anyone to handle this situation for us, but I did want him to have a heads up. I was not putting up with co-worker's bull-shit for the entire school year, and to not be surprised if we had it out at some point in the near future.
Then, we stop and think.... We're standing up for ourselves? We're willing to put someone in their place rather than just allowing them to squash us? Wow! This is weird but kind of cool. Want to make sure we can be assertive without be disrespectful though. Still want to show Christ to co-worker even when he does get under our skin.
So, it felt good for a bit standing up for ourselves. Saw clients all afternoon. The sessions went pretty well. Supervisor thinks I'm doing a good job, and I'm still just amazed our job hasn't overwhelmed us yet.... even this week when we've been feeling so poorly.
Class was cancelled for tonight. First time a class has been cancelled all semester. At first I was so excited!!!!! I got to go home right after work. I have more time to do homework, meaning I don't have to stress to get it all done. However, this means 3 hours more of alone/lonely time tonight. I've been home less than an hour and already the depression sitting on my chest is getting heavier and heavier. Tears will come soon. At this rate, we probably won't get any school work done tonight. The desire to just lie on the couch and blankly stare at the TV until it's a late enough hour to go to bed is growing by the minute. Blah.
Anyways, I make it to work only to be informed by the counselor I share an office with that I can't use our office today because he has lots of work to do, and I need to use an office of one of the counselors away at a conference today. First of all, the fact that two counselors have to share an office isn't right. Secondly, this counselor has been on vacation the past 2 weeks and expects to just walk back in and own the office again. We're both contract, and technically equal. He has no more right to that office than I do. I have no problem being a team player, but since at least some parts inside have learned we don't deserve to be walked all over, we don't take people's crap like we used to. I learned last week that he made the girl who had position last year cry several times. He will not be making me cry. I did use another office for one of my sessions today b/c I got permission to, and I didn't trust us to not totally go off on co-counselor today. The combination of the weather, lonliness, and the fact that we're on our period seemed like a bad combination to have it out with someone today. Part of me feels sorry for this co-worker. He's in his mid-50s, bitter, alone (he's good at running people off), and never has anything positive to say. I'm easy bait when he's looking to assert his power or get someone to feel as bad as he does. I share an office with him. I'm 30 years younger than him. I'm female. I could go on. I informed my supervisor when we met today that I didn't need anyone to handle this situation for us, but I did want him to have a heads up. I was not putting up with co-worker's bull-shit for the entire school year, and to not be surprised if we had it out at some point in the near future.
Then, we stop and think.... We're standing up for ourselves? We're willing to put someone in their place rather than just allowing them to squash us? Wow! This is weird but kind of cool. Want to make sure we can be assertive without be disrespectful though. Still want to show Christ to co-worker even when he does get under our skin.
So, it felt good for a bit standing up for ourselves. Saw clients all afternoon. The sessions went pretty well. Supervisor thinks I'm doing a good job, and I'm still just amazed our job hasn't overwhelmed us yet.... even this week when we've been feeling so poorly.
Class was cancelled for tonight. First time a class has been cancelled all semester. At first I was so excited!!!!! I got to go home right after work. I have more time to do homework, meaning I don't have to stress to get it all done. However, this means 3 hours more of alone/lonely time tonight. I've been home less than an hour and already the depression sitting on my chest is getting heavier and heavier. Tears will come soon. At this rate, we probably won't get any school work done tonight. The desire to just lie on the couch and blankly stare at the TV until it's a late enough hour to go to bed is growing by the minute. Blah.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Planning for the future
Fiance' called last night. It was the first time we've talked on the phone in over 2 weeks!! We got to talk for a whole 30 minutes. It was awesome!!! He's exhausted, but he's getting excited b/c in 6 weeks, he'll get to start the process of coming home. It will probably still be closer to 2 months before he's actually home, but at least 10 days of that time will be traveling, so that helps. It looks like his unit is set to deploy again Spring 2011, so at least I'll have him home for over a year before he deploys again, and we'll get to be together the first 8 months of our marriage. I know that's more than alot of newlyweds get when one of them is in the Army. I hate to think about him having to go back to Afghanistan again, but for now it's really fun to focus on all of the things that will happen and that we get to do together while he's home.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Just checking in
Don't have time to report anything new. Just felt like checking in. School and work are still consuming most of my time but both are going well. Fiance is doing as good as can be expected in Afghanistan. He has a redeployment date set. For now it's Nov. 29. If that date sticks, he'll be home sometime the first week of December. Yay!!!!! I will be so happy when he is home to stay. Feeling a lot better about talking to him and just being open with him. We got to spend some real time talking on the phone this weekend. We didn't talk about anything really important, but I felt connected to him again, and that connection is what makes me know he can know all about me/us and everything will still be fine. It's awesome to be back to feeling nothing but utter excitement about him coming home!
I talk to therapist in the morning. I need to remember to ask her what coping skills she uses to keep her stamina and sanity on the days that she has therapy and then goes on to see a full day of clients herself. Last week, I was completely drained by the end of the day. It's a good drained, but I don't see it being healthy for us in the long run.
I also see Psychiatrist on Wednesday. We've been lowering my Prozac dosage every 3 months for the last 9 months. Hoping I can convince him to lower the dosage again this week. If he will then I'll only be taking 20mg of Prozac in the morning, and 1mg of Klonopin at night for sleep. I can't remember the last time, I was on that few medications, and on their practically lowest dosages, and still felt good for the most part. It's very exciting! Maybe one day I won't have to be on any meds at all. I know that's a big maybe, but it's still nice to be in a place to even contemplate it.
I talk to therapist in the morning. I need to remember to ask her what coping skills she uses to keep her stamina and sanity on the days that she has therapy and then goes on to see a full day of clients herself. Last week, I was completely drained by the end of the day. It's a good drained, but I don't see it being healthy for us in the long run.
I also see Psychiatrist on Wednesday. We've been lowering my Prozac dosage every 3 months for the last 9 months. Hoping I can convince him to lower the dosage again this week. If he will then I'll only be taking 20mg of Prozac in the morning, and 1mg of Klonopin at night for sleep. I can't remember the last time, I was on that few medications, and on their practically lowest dosages, and still felt good for the most part. It's very exciting! Maybe one day I won't have to be on any meds at all. I know that's a big maybe, but it's still nice to be in a place to even contemplate it.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Blogging
Tonight we're in class learning how to blog. hee hee!
So, I decided since I already have a few different blogs, I'd post a blog entry rather than practice embedding Youtube videos.
Sorry I've been out of touch. School has keeping me crazy busy, and I haven't done a good job of being in touch with things internally. We've been in our new city about a month and I noticed yesterday that internal stuff is creeping back in. I know this is good. I've been ignoring my internal world for too long, but it was oh so nice to just feel "normal" and not have any major internal issues going on.
I also am in my 3rd week officially working as a counselor and seeing clients again. I haven't seen clients in 4 years. Ack! I'm nervous before each session starts, but I'm really loving the job! A couple of my clients, I have no idea how I'm going to help, but they seem so grateful just to have someone to listen. One I think I can relate to a lot, and I'm working on making sure I stay in therapist role and not - a friend with "ooh ooh, let me tell you what worked for me and try this." That's not my role in this relationship. I must admit that I am very relieved, at least at this point, that I am loving seeing clients rather than feeling stressed out or being triggered.
Oh, we're moving onto discussing our article critiques. Better get back to class. Will try to get back into a routine of posting regularly.
Take care all!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Irony at its best
So, I got to work today after the long weekend to find out from the counselor I share an office with that his 31 year old son died over the weekend. Apparently he's had a lot of drug and alcohol issues for years. He recently just got out of a 3 month inpatient program. Cause of death hasn't been released, but it looks like a drug overdose of sorts. Co-worker was at work today because there's nothing he can do right now, and he said it's better than sitting at home. His son lived in another town but will be buried here on Saturday, so co-worker said he might as well be here and be distracted. It's so heartbreaking!
What kills me more than anything is that co-worker is a licensed drug and alcohol addictions counselor and has been in practice for over 25 years. Talk about ironic. To lose your own child to the thing you've spent your life fighting, helping those struggling to overcome, and educating others about seems so cruel.
God never said life would make sense, but I can only imagine the pain co-worker is feeling knowing he was never able to help his own flesh and blood. It's definitely not co-worker's fault that his son overdosed, but it is still extremely sad to think that he has helped so many others but was unable to help his own son.
I'm not even going to try to understand this one.
What kills me more than anything is that co-worker is a licensed drug and alcohol addictions counselor and has been in practice for over 25 years. Talk about ironic. To lose your own child to the thing you've spent your life fighting, helping those struggling to overcome, and educating others about seems so cruel.
God never said life would make sense, but I can only imagine the pain co-worker is feeling knowing he was never able to help his own flesh and blood. It's definitely not co-worker's fault that his son overdosed, but it is still extremely sad to think that he has helped so many others but was unable to help his own son.
I'm not even going to try to understand this one.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
My poor blog
My poor blog has been neglected recently. I've been so much busier than I ever expected. I had no idea how much work you had to do and how early you had to reserve places and people for a wedding next May. I was amazed to learn how many places we looked at were already booked! No worries though. Everything is coming together. I hope to have things secured by the beginning of next week. Then I can let the wedding plans chill for a few months before I need to pick them up again.
Along with the wedding class I'm taking a 5 week summer class that is consuming a lot of time and still working 40+ hours a week. I don't start school full-time until the end of August, so I'm working up until then. I need the money to help me afford being a full-time student. :D
Still doing pretty well, I think. Things have been so busy, I haven't been the best on checking inside. Still going to therapy though, and my littles had a playdate with therapist on Monday, so I'm doing my best to still give everyone time despite my busy external life schedule.
Hopefully I can start blogging again regularly soon. It's a really great outlet, and sometimes it's nice to get feedback. My paper journal never responds to what I write. Although, I should probably be worried if it did. hee hee.
Along with the wedding class I'm taking a 5 week summer class that is consuming a lot of time and still working 40+ hours a week. I don't start school full-time until the end of August, so I'm working up until then. I need the money to help me afford being a full-time student. :D
Still doing pretty well, I think. Things have been so busy, I haven't been the best on checking inside. Still going to therapy though, and my littles had a playdate with therapist on Monday, so I'm doing my best to still give everyone time despite my busy external life schedule.
Hopefully I can start blogging again regularly soon. It's a really great outlet, and sometimes it's nice to get feedback. My paper journal never responds to what I write. Although, I should probably be worried if it did. hee hee.
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