Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hello craziness!

Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.

Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.

Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.

Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P

I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.


  1. Oh I relate so well to your hesitation to go into the more difficult when life seems to be "working". I also relate to your system not wanting to wait. LOL
    You're doing really well, friends. I know it's hard when things inside don't seem viable, but I applaud so much your willingness to validate parts' internal experiences regardless. You know my stories... If you need a refresher, just call. ;)
    You all can do this. It's worth it to every part of you to experience real, full life. And you're never alone. Standing on the precipice of a new thing is terrifying, but I've always felt better afterward. Stronger, more united, healthier.
    Love yous. I'm always here.

  2. I relate to this post so well! From not being able to describe things other than "crazy" when I don't know what's going on in my head to having to keep busy to not wanting to enter a rough time in therapy. Thank you for sharing this.


  3. Bravehearts this takes so much courage to push forward when you want to just be satisfied.