Monday, March 22, 2010

Familiar craziness

Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.

A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.

During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.

The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.

I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.

For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P


  1. I have been struggling with similar things lately as well. I hope everything works out for you guys! Thank you for sharing.


  2. I'm thinking about you all today. Sending prayers and encouragement and love to whomever is able to accept it. <3 It is not that part's "lot in life" to suffer so horribly. Sometimes certain insiders have to take on the worst of it... not because we deserve it or because we're cursed. But because we are the ones able in that time and place -whether we feel that way or not. I know it's so scary when there are such vast differences inside. But you all are a family - a team- and you all worked together through the terror to keep yourselves alive. And while it may seem a futile effort now to certain parts, I applaud your efforts to do as you've done in the past - to work together as a family for the greater good of your life. I know with the wedding and everything, that the timing is rough, but I think it's good that you're discovering these things now and are at least beginning to work through them before your wedding day. It's scary but none of you need to "escape". Life was impossible, but maybe parts can start to understand that while their concern for the protection of the system is incredibly vital and appreciated, this is a step toward a safer, much more hopeful tomorrow. I got married at a very precarious time in my healing journey, but it was the best decision I could have made because he is an incredible man. I don't know if any of this made sense.
    Just know that I love yous. You are making progress, even though it's so scary at times.