Reminders of why to only put full faith in God

The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."

The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.

The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.

Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.

I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).

I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!

Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.

Middle School Drama

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Getting used to working (even if it is an unpaid internship) and being a wife has taken up most of my free time. I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog about swirling through my head lately, but finding the time to sit down and type them out has been a much larger challenge than I anticipated. Maybe I'll find time over the long weekend to catch up on some of them, but for right now, I'm going to go where my mind has been today.

I am currently doing my internship in the guidance department at a local middle school. I've seen just about everything in the short month I've been here so far. I've called Department of Children Services for a child whose mother is neglectful. I've called mobile crisis to assess a child who was suicidal in my office. I've talked to parents, teachers, and other school staff about academic and emotional issues.

Most days, thankfully, are not intense home issues or safety issues with my students. Most are girl drama, someone starting rumors, girls fighting over guys, guys fighting over girls, guys fighting just to fight, etc....

Being in middle school working has gotten me thinking back to my middle school days. I'm sure the same drama was going on when I was in middle school, but apparently I was living in my own internal world back then. I remember walking into the bathroom one time and there were 2 girls smoking. They asked me if I was a "nark". At the time I had no clue what a nark was, but I told them I wouldn't tell on them. That is the most drama I remember from middle school.

I remember being totally involved and in love with gymnastics (most of the time). I remember feeling a dysthymic level of depression even back then. I remember having a decent group of girlfriends to hang out with and getting my school work done. I remember thinking boys were cute but having no desire to date them.

When I watch these kids in middle school now and all the drama they either cause or are involved in, it makes me wonder if I was so dissociative back then (even when I was not aware of other parts) that I just missed things going on around me? In fact, most of my life, I tend to stay on the low-side of drama when possible. I'm pretty oblivious to most things going with rumor mills or who's doing what. Most of the time I'm really glad. I've got enough drama in my own life. I really don't like to be involved in others.

I guess I just got to thinking today what middle school would have been like had my head been boring enough for me to care about who was dating whom, who might be pregnant, what girl thought what about another girl, etc? I watch these kids and I know it's hard being in middle school; but I can't help but wish that those were the biggest drama things in my life back then. It also makes me sad to realize that there probably weren't really times in my life when I was talking, speaking, reacting and responding normally to life around me.

Lately it seems these subtle realizations of things current and past are more reaffirming of the abuse than any of the major memories that we've spent a lot of time trying to process. I guess it makes sense, but it still makes me want to say "blah."

Triggers verses Reminders

Therapist and I had a good conversation today about the differences between triggers and reminders. Sometimes I think my words confuse the two even though my feelings and my body know there is a drastic difference.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER: Talk of Sex








The conversation came up because I got triggered over the weekend. Married life is great and the sex part is actually pretty fun most of the time too. However, Sunday night we were at my parents' houseboat with all of the family for the 4th. The walls are paper thin and the water helps everything to echo too, so I informed hubby before we got there not to get any ideas b/c it was just going to be too hard to have sex in our room on the houseboat even with the door closed b/c of how easily sound travels. While he complied and was totally respectful, it didn't stop him from wanting to see what he/we could get away with that night in bed. He listened to me the minute I said stop, so I can't really fault him for that.

What triggered me was being in the dark, knowing there were others nearby, and feeling like I was doing something "wrong." The fear of getting "caught" or being heard coupled with the few small things hubby wanted to try and get away with was just too much. Since he stopped the minute I said so, I didn't explain anything else in the moment. I just needed to be. I needed to do damage control internally. I needed to separate past from present. I needed to remind myself how old I was, where I was and that this wasn't wrong. I spent most of the night nauseated but did manage to get a little bit of non flashback-y sleep. I felt decent the next morning, so I just let it go. I have no issue explaining things to hubby if I need to, but on the boat was not the time or the place.

Therapist and I were talking about the experience today b/c I was feeling frustrated that the 'minor' incidences from my childhood could still provoke such a reaction in me, especially when they're the images that just flash through my head periodically anyways. I guess she didn't realize how many times I see have a memory flash through my mind with my eyes open or how many daily life things remind me of something and momentarily put me back in that place. I can't blame her for not knowing. I don't really talk about it. It's just a normal part of life. The big thing that we put into words today is that those everyday things are more of "reminders." Something reminds me of a bad event, feeling, thought from the past but I don't have to re-feel all of it or re-live all of it. It's usually gone as quickly as it comes. And this is WAY different than the true trigger I experienced Sunday night.

Reminders, while not fun, are something every human experiences based on their different life experiences. Some things bring up happy memories, other things bring up painful ones. While I don't expect my reminders to go away, I do pray that new memories will be associated with some life things and I will have less negative reminders. I also pray that more triggers will enter into the reminder category where I can acknowledge something hurt and it was awful and then go on with my day without being caught up in the moment or having to do damage control inside.

A definite work in progress...