Emotional Blockade

I realize I haven't blogged in about a month. That wasn't my intention. Therapist has suggested that I make more effort to journal with a paper and pen (like I used to do faithfully). It seems I am more free flowing in my writing when it's in a journal versus on my blog. I guess whether I mean to or not, I do censor myself in this type of forum. Anonymity just doesn't equate total secrecy (meaning no one sees what I write unless I choose to share it with therapist). I'm not planning to abandon my blog. I'm just learning that keeping up a journal and a blog isn't so easy for me, so posts my be sporadic until I get a better hang of things.

So lately I've noticed that I'm rather emotionally blunted. I'm crying less than usual (for me), and I've not had strong emotions towards things that should have evoked strong emotions in me. Granted, I may still be more emotional than many people out there, but it is much, much less for me. In some ways I'm feeling sort of numb, but I'm not really sure why.

A couple of examples:

1. Last weekend I walked the Overnight walk in NYC with Tempy and her brother. It was a walk to raise money for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. They work to provide resources for those feeling suicidal and to family members who have lost someone to suicide. It was 18 miles of walking that left me exhausted and sore. I'm pretty sure all 2000 walk participants had lost someone to suicide or had struggled with it themselves. The emotional energy that night was high. I could feel it all around me. Other than a few tears during an emotional speech by a participant at the beginning, I mostly felt nothing the entire evening. In fact, what I felt most was the blisters that formed on my feet about 9 miles into the walk... physical pain - of course. I mean, it is way easier to deal with than emotional pain. I hated that I couldn't be in the moment more for Tempy. After all, we met b/c a mutual friend of ours committed suicide in 2004. I've lost another friend, a cousin, and struggled myself with suicide, yet I couldn't tap into any of those feelings. I wanted to be in the moment that night. Instead, I could have easily been walking 18 miles to say "I love dogs." I believe so much in the Overnight Walk, and it's so frustrating to not have been able to be emotionally present during the event for myself and for Tempy.

2. My grandmother is in the hospital. She admitted to me yesterday that she's been feeling bad for several weeks, but she hadn't said anything prior to our trip to the beach b/c she wanted to make sure she got to go on the vacation. She's afraid it may be her last, and she didn't want to miss it. I got a text from my mother this morning saying that my grandmother was in the E.R. and they were running tests. I don't know anything past this, but she's already beat cancer once, so I don't know how lightly we can take illnesses these days. Normally, I would be so concerned and tearful. Instead, while I am concerned, I'm feeling nothing. I've spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends, laughing, carrying on as normal.

I have therapy tomorrow for the first time in 2 weeks (courtesy of all of my travels). I plan to discuss this situation with her tomorrow. I'm not sure why I am so disconnected, but I know I totally am. On the other hand, numbing doesn't feel terrible at all. I like my emotions not really getting in the way. However, I am realizing that it leaves me not always responding correctly in certain situations b/c I don't have an emotional guide.

I'm not trying to figure this out now. it just seemed important to note what's going on.

5 Year Anniversary!!

5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.

Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.

Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.

Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.

So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...

A Great Therapist Makes All of the Difference

So... nothing's any better than yesterday. Nothing internally or externally has really changed. In fact, today was a pretty crappy day all the way around.

Late afternoon I had an appointment with therapist. I was hesitant to tell her some of the things bothering me because the issues aren't really related to any of the reasons that brought me to therapy and aren't any topics therapist and I have ever talked about before. Mostly b/c in order for us to have a real conversation about them, I feared it would ask therapist to share more personal beliefs and or experiences that would be appropriate for me to ask her to share.

By the time we talked, I was so desperate to talk to someone who has never made me feel judged that I opened up to her despite fear that she wouldn't understand or that her personal beliefs might greatly conflict with mine.

She was amazing. I shared everything I felt I needed to without worrying whether my thoughts were right or wrong. She helped me think through a lot of it never telling me I was right or wrong and in a way that was supportive without revealing much of anything about herself or her personal beliefs. I've always had a tremendous amount of respect for therapist, but today brought a new level of respect. This was an area of my life that I knew therapist respected as incredibly important to me, but I wasn't sure it was an area we could discuss in a dialogue format. I'm soo happy to know that it is because therapist rocks!! It feels so amazing to know that there really is no area of my life that I cannot discuss with her. Everyone needs at least one person in their life like that.... Even if you don't tell that person everything, just knowing that you can brings an immense level of peace and security... which as a trauma survivor, are two very important and helpful feelings to have.

It still amazes me how one conversation can change my thinking from an impossible situation to one that feels do-able even when nothing in my life has changed. I don't understand it, but I am so blessed and I feel so thankful for it!

Feeling Alone in a Sea of People who Care

Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.

I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.

My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.

Insight... and Just for laughs

So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.

So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.

I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.

And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.

How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!

More Gray

This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.

With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.

We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.

Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.

She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.

Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!

First impressions

First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.

This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.

How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.

This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)

Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.

So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.

Stuff like this just gets me thinking....

Reminders

Everyday I have some very close friends who struggle with suicidal ideations. I hate this struggle for the because I spent so many years there myself and even have reoccurences of those feelings occassionally these days. With people that struggle in these situations, I feel I stay well aware of how fragile life is and how I might lose one of them at any moment if they allow life to overcome them.... not that I would blame them. They're dealing with some rough stuff.... but I also truly believe God will sustain us if we trust him and don't life overwhelm us to the point of choosing to end our own.

However, I still am always taken aback by the sudden, unexpected deaths that weren't at one's own hand. In these moments I am reminded how fragile life is for everyone on this planet.... how easily someone we love may be called away from this earth or how fragile my life still is even though I am no longer my number one death threat.

I apologize that this post sounds so morbid. It's just what I've been reflecting on this evening. See, fiance and I had dinner at his commander's house tonight with a couple of other captains and their wives. We were all having a wonderful time. They are such nice people, and it's very nice for me to actually know some of the women whose husbands will be deploying with mine in Feb. As we were wrapping up dinner, fiance's commander got a phone call. The call was to tell him that his mother had just passed away. Obviously, this was the end of the dinner party. The 6 of us guests helped clear the table and tried to do as much as we could to make clean up easier on the family. I got the impression that the major's mother was not ill and the phone call of her death was a shock.

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath." Psalm 39:5


I need to remember that I do not know how many days I will be blessed to have those I love here with me or how many days God is going to bless me with on this planet. No day or moment should be taken for granted. Lord help me remember this when wedding stress or PMS or bad moods keep me from appreciating all of my blessings and keeping my focus on what is most important.

Being tested?

Okay, God. So I'm really beginning to think this is some sort of test, and I'm sure there's some sort of lesson I'm supposed to be learning from this, but I have NO IDEA what that is. Please help me understand!

Dr. M posted on my best friend's Caringbridge site again tonight. Another kind and thoughtful post. Reading her entries makes me nauseous, makes my heart ache, makes some miss her, makes some hate her, and more than anything makes us want to talk to her.

I have no idea what I think talking to her would accomplish. I know we're still looking for closure and resolution with her, but I don't think we'll ever get that from her. So we need to find it somewhere else before one of us cracks and does actually contact her. The question is do we find it in ourselves? Do therapist, family or friends help with that? Is it something that only God can heal in His time?

I really don't have the time or the energy for this old ghost to surface right now. blah.

Dr M's latest Caringbridge entry just because I feel like posting it:

Monday, February 22, 2010 9:31 PM, CST

I'm a firm believer that more information is always helpful. I am impressed by the thorough assessment that B has received. Even if they don't have more of an answer today, hopefully there is comfort in knowing that they more thoroughly understand him and would feel more comfortable jumping on any new treatment or plan in the future because of this knowledge. I'm sorry that there weren't more answers. That makes us all sad too.

You all are incredible as are all of your helpers in this journey. You encourage us by your faithfulnes​s. God is using you already.

Lov​e from (city),
J​ and M M
M M
City, State

Hard to continue to think of her as a heartless b*tch when you read stuff like this, huh?

A little bit of insight

Therapist was kind enough to give me some phone time today to discuss my previous blog entry. It didn't take long to sort through the typical reasons hearing or seeing anything from or about Dr. M. upsets us so much. Therapist also let me vent how tired I am of this still being an issue because I feel we've spent so much time grieving that loss and rebuilding the bridges Dr. M. burned when it came to trusting others with any abuse and or therapy information.

What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.

I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.

Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.

What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.

Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.

And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.

F*ck!

God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.

February

Who can tell how I'm going to be from one moment to the next? One minute I'm doing tons better and the next I'm a basketcase all over again. I know I need to cut myself some slack. Not only is it that time of the month, but it's the beginning of February. We're smack dead in the middle of winter and here I sit wondering why I'm way more emotional that usual. How quickly I forget.... Up until last Februrary, I spent the 5 Februarys before that inpatient because things got so bad this time of year... and the years before that I probably needed inpatient care but wasn't in a therapy setting decent enough for the therapist to realize it.

Last year was tough, but not inpatient worthy. That was thrilling. I don't feel near needing inpatient help right now either, but in a moment of clarity, I wonder why I'm just now realizing that this is always a hard time of year for me? On top of things coming up in therapy, adjustments fiance and I are both having to make, planning a wedding, and just normal every day crap, I'm in the worst time of the year for me. Duh! No wonder I'm a basketcase.

It doesn't make the pain or depression any less and it doesn't make things easier to deal with, but I think I can start to cut myself a little bit more slack now. I am not turning into some needy, emotional girl who has a secret plan to run her fiance off by draining the life out of him. I realize some of you may almost laugh at that statement, but for a time, I really was afraid I was starting to self-sabotage our relationship b/c so much of the time (even though he's being insensitive and driving me crazy lately) I feel like he's more than I deserve and it's only a matter of time before he wakes up and realizes that.

What I am doing is surviving February the best way we know how at the moment. And while I want to be handling it better, I do need to give shout-outs to everyone inside for working so hard b/c even in this struggle, there are no impulses to self-harm. Just lots and lots of tears!! Tears we can handle. There is also the realization that by the mid to end of March, this will have passed and Spring will be here. Our mood and ability to handle and cope with strong emotions always improves in the Spring and through the Summer.

I talked to a dear friend last night who helped me put fears from my last post into perspective. While I still plan to talk to fiance b/c I want him to understand as much as possible, she helped me to see how many of my thoughts, fears, etc. are still rooted in the PTSD and the shame from the abuse.... and really have nothing to do at all with the current situation or fiance.

Right now I have to trust the people in my life who truly know me/us (the good and the bad) that we will not be dragging fiance into some downward spiral with us b/c we are on our way up. Yes, there are still great struggles, but the progress we've made over the past couple of years only lends to the progress we can continue to make that fiance can share in with us.

I sometimes wonder if abuse victims ever learn well enough that they don't have to be perfect and do everything right and keep to this impossible standard in order to be truly loved and cared about? I know there are people in my life that do that for me, but will I ever get rid of the fear that they may decide to leave one day? Will I ever trust that whether I'm being emotional, irrational, irritating or just a pill, someone else is truly going to stick with me? Are you ever able to let go of the fear that you may run everyone in your life away? And what does that say about me if I believe I actually have the power to do that? Sounds kind of grandiose.

For now, I have therapist, a few very dear friends, family and a fiancee that love me. This is more of a blessing than most of the people I know. I want to learn to cherish this rather than living in fear of losing it. At the same time, I'm going to remember to cut myself some slack. It is February after all.

Didn't Sleep It Off

For the first time in what feels like quite awhile, I wasn't able to sleep last night's feelings off. I woke up feeling pretty miserable this morning. In fact, it was really hard to wake up and I didn't even get out of my pajamas until after noon. I ended up being pretty productive today despite that fact. Actually, once I got going, I really used distraction to my advantage.

My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.

It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.

I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.

Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.

It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.

This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.

Almost a week

I didn't mean for almost a week to go by before I blogged again. It's not like it's been an uneventful week. For some reason, I just haven't made the time to blog. A couple of times it was because after I talked to friends and therapist, I felt too exhausted to rehash everything in a blog entry. It was very beneficial for me to get immediate feedback, but not so good for blogging purpose, because now everything will just be an abbreviated version, almost more like a documentation.

Most of my ups and downs this week revolve around fiance. I guess that's not too surprising to some of you. That would be "normal" everyday issues that most people deal with in any significant relationship in their lives.

On Friday, fiance was the greatest man alive. On Sunday, I wanted to kick him to the curb. By Tuesday, we were back to us - or as close to us as we have been since he returned from Afghanistan. I am very much learning it is going to take a lot longer than the month the military said it would take fiance to readjust to life here and to readjust to having a significant female in his life again. This is not so cool ever, but especially when you and parts inside still struggle so much internally with self-esteem issues. Thankfully we have therapist, good friends, and an ever improving fiance to make up for the times fiance is a total jerk.

Friday, fiance volunteered to give me money I wanted to give a friend who was in need of help. He has never met my friend face to face, but because he could tell how important it was to me, he gave me the money and told me to tell my friend it was a gift and she didn't have to worry about paying it back..... He's generous and I love that!

Sunday night he basically told me there's tons of stuff he wants to do, and so he's only going to hang out with me on Tuesdays and then Sunday evenings b/c of church and he didn't want me to plan any trips for the weekends b/c he wanted that time free to do what he wanted to do. He's struggling to share his life with me again and selfishness of his time. While he didn't have much free time when he was deployed, he could spend that time however he wanted and didn't have to be concerned with anyone else's feelings. He was around men 24/7 and is not only having to learn how to interact with a woman again but is having to learn how to go back to us being a "we" and that he's not just a "he" anymore. We're a team. After lots of tears on my part and confusion on his part, we sort of reached a stalemate.

I spent lots of time on Monday in prayer and consulted a couple of friends who I know have been in similar situations. They helped validate my feelings and also helped remind me of what a huge adjustment he's going through and while my expectations are not wrong, I need to have more patience. I don't think he's able to meet them all right now (even though he used to be able to), and if I ask too much too soon, I may inadvertantly push him farther away. With this in mind, I've institutde an unconditional love, increased patience approach. The hope is that he will see I really am in this for the long haul and in time, he'll begin to return the more attentive man I fell in love with. At the same time, I'm not going to let him walk all over me or not continue to make him aware when he uses insensitive words. He can still learn how to recommunicate without me holding a grudge.

I think both of us are going to fail miserably at this from time to time. I will get my feelings hurt "too easy" in his mind and he will be "incredibly insensitive" in my mind. The best thing I can say about this though is that even though we've had our struggles since he's been home, neither one of us are having second thoughts about getting married... We're just going through a few bumps... and better to learn this stuff about each other before we say 'I do' rather than being suprised after the fact.

Anyways, all that to say, we still have a ways to go in learning each other again and finding ways to communicate better again, but it's nice to feel solid in our relationship tonight.

I tell you one thing, back when I was completely consumed and overwhelmed by not "normal people issues", I had no idea how hard and challenging just normal people issues can be. I sure am learning a lot these days!!!!

Even now

Tonight is a frustrating night for me. Not because there's anything going on that I can't handle, but it's the fact that I am. If you are like me, I tend to feel particularly guilty when I'm feeling sad or depressed and I am acutely aware of all of my blessings at the same time. Tonight, I sit here feeling like I'm wallowing in sadness, depression, and self-pity but all I have to do is turn on the TV and see all of the hurting people in Haiti who have lost loved ones, homes, are injured. My first reaction is guilt and a question "Why can't I get over myself?"

My second reaction to tonight is wondering why I'm feeling this sad and this down. Today was just a normal day. Nothing bad happened today. In fact, a co-worker who I've been getting closer to lately and I had a great conversation today. I told her some about my past and she mentioned having a really good friend who was DID. I was feeling so comfortable with her that I told her I was DID as well. She responded great. Thought it was pretty cool. And we both gave the glory to God for not only surviving as a child and having the "gift" of DID but that he has brought me to the place I am now that is not fully healed, but is a place where I can work as a therapist myself and I can get married and I can be normal in most situations.

I sort of wonder if this at least part of the reason for the feelings tonight, but that doesn't make sense to me. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who is not DID and not my therapist who still understood. Also, being as she's a young PhD, it was nice to give her the heads up of things that will help and hurt her and her clients should she ever decide to work with the DID population. Maybe save her from making the same mistakes Dr. Morris did with me right out of her doctoral program.

Maybe the feelings are due to rainy weather the past couple of days. Maybe some of it is that I was going to have to drive myself onto Post tonight to go to Bible Study. For those of you who have never been on a military post. If you don't have a car sticker, you have to get a temporary pass, which is sort of a pain. After obtaining that, I was going to be driving around the post in the dark trying to find this one specific chapel. Normally, I ride with fiancee there, but he was going with some men to walk through barracks and try and recruit others to come to Bible Study. This is totally not cool for me, but then I think my convenience should not be the priority here. If Fiancee and the men with him get one new person to come to Bible Study, then that should be what's important. But I just couldn't bring myself to drive myself across town, get the gate pass and track down the chapel tonight.

We're under a severe thunderstorm warning tonight, so I used that as my excuse to fiancee as to why I would not be meeting him at Bible Study. He called and volunteered to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to drive. Of course, I couldn't let him do that. Then he wouldn't get to go through the barracks and recruit. Of course, he was so sweet and said that he didn't mind. He asked if everything else was okay. I just told him I didn't want to get out tonight. Why didn't I tell him that I don't want to go to Bible Study tonight b/c I feel so bad? I drive in watches and warnings all the time. That was just a convenient excuse. Why didn't I tell him that I'm feeling sad and down? Didn't I just post yesterday about my desire to be honest and open with him? Wasn't that a great time for me to prove it?

Maybe it's b/c I don't really know why I feel this way tonight, and I find it so hard to explain that to someone when I can't tell them why I feel the way I feel. All I know is I haven't felt this sad or this low in months, and it's awful!!!! All I can do is sit here and cry and freakin' blog. Don't even feel like I can call anyone on the phone.

I feel like such an idiot right now.

Fiancee is coming to therapy

Fiancee is coming with me to therapy on Monday afternoon. Eek! Therapist and I talked about this today, and the goal for Monday is just to help fiancee truly understand how PTSD manifests itself in someone who was sexually abused as a child and what that can mean in general for an adult. From there, I'll hopefully be able to explain more about how the PTSD manifests itself specifically in me, including the dissociation. I want him to not only understand current and potential struggles, but I want him to have an idea of where I've been, so he can share in my victories as well.

We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.

When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.

For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!

Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.

One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!

Almost time

I talked to a great friend on the phone last night. I am amazed at the amount of challenges facing her daily and how well she is coping considering everything. All the skills we've learned from inpatient stays, talking to others who have been through similiar situations, in therapy..... she has to put all of that into practice everyday just to get through and she does! I have such respect and appreciation for her. And on top of everything else, for some reason she still loves to hear me ramble about the somtimes funny, sometimes stressful, but not near as overwhelming daily goings in my life.

Vacation will be over in 4 days. Therapy will start back up. School/work will resume. Fiancee and I will find a "normal" routine rather than things always being chaotic and traveling all of the time. That's why I entitled this entry "almost time".

It's almost time to get back to the grind... and mostly with this I'm referring to therapy. We've been functioning really well on vacation, but things have been strangely quiet in my head as well, and while parts are still present and make themselves know, no out right switching has happend (as far as I'm aware). Now, I'm not complaining about this, but there is no explainable reason for this to last long term. Things that I know need to be addressed before this can become our norm have not been addressed.

Still gotta have the talk with fiancee about us being DID. We're feeling better and better about it. I think we'll make sense to him once he knows, but I still think there's a lot to be said about discussing things at the right time and place. Gotta lot of things to work through before the wedding in 4 1/2 months. I think more than anything it will be trusting fiancee with everything. We will be under the same roof every night and it will be much harder for him to just not be around to experience some of my/our more interesting moments. Also, we do want to trust him (well, like we trust therapist). There is nothing we don't tell therapist - unless for some reason we just forget to tell her. I want everyone in my system to trust fiancee like we trust therapist. I don't want fiancee to do therapist's job, but I want everyone to know he is safe and that he respects all of us.

I think the trust thing won't fully happen by the wedding. We've been with therapist a little over 3 1/2 years to get to this point - and that was with us purposely meeting with her to share our "horrible" secrets. Still, I DO NOT want to enter a marriage feeling the need to hide anything about me/us. I think we're on the path for all of this to happen, but it means I'm going to have to buckle down and really help parts share and allow them time in therapy and out of therapy rather than just riding the wave that I've been on for the past month. It's been a nice wave, but in the long run, I know it is not the healthiest thing for our system.

So, here's to 4 more days of riding the wave, and then back to grind and continuing on the healing journey so all parts can experience the relief I experience fairly regularly now.

Holiday Highlights

I feel so much has happened in the last few days, and I'm too tired to blog about it all. I've decided to hit the highlights tonight and come back and blog in more detail later the things I decide I want/need to.

• Friend that was in the ICU came through surgery well and will hopefully discharge tomorrow. Still going to be on oxygen for awhile and has a long road, but he's slowly improving.
• All of my dad's family was in town for Thanksgiving, and it was awesome!! We rarely all get together anymore, and it was so much fun, not to mention all of the good food!!!!
• My wedding dress came in this week, so my mom, sister, and female cousins came with me to my first fitting on Friday. It should have been an exciting event.
• Wedding dress looked nothing like it was supposed to. The coloring was wrong and it was 2 sizes too big. Plus, there was a big black spot on the train that the store owner swears she didn't do. I was crushed! I hated the dress, but we've already paid for 1/2 of it, and it's non-returnable according to the manufacturer, so now I have to fight it out with the store owner.
• Mom knew how upset I was about the dress despite me trying to hide it, so she got me up early Saturday morning and we went wedding dress shopping again. I fell in LOVE with a dress at the store we went to on Saturday and my amazing mother bought that dress for me. So for the time being, I have 2 wedding dresses. The new dress was made for me though. I love it and am no longer distraught but am excited to walk down the aisle in a few months knowing I will look like a princess.
• Saturday night got a phone call from the Army. Fiancee will be home on Friday (my birthday) very early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!
• Tonight at church, a good friend of mine told me a friend of her's committed suicide yesterday (I didn't know the girl). Losing 2 friends, a professor, and an uncle to suicide in the last 5 years, I know the pain she's feeling right now.... and that thought pattern of.... if I'd only known, maybe I could have done something....

All of this on top of the crazy week with co-worker has left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I really do not enjoy going from high to low to high to low, etc.. with my emotions. Seems I learned some emotion regulation skills along the way, but they're not really working in my current setting. It's amazing how much even positive stuff can drain you.

This upcoming week there's likely to be confrontation at work with co-worker (thankfully it's my last week at work til after Christmas) and fiancee coming home on Friday is going to be completely awesome and incredibly emotionally exhausting at the same time. I have been so blessed in so many ways over the past week despite some of the rough spots. My current stressors are "normal people" stressors, so that helps me not beat myself up over them for possibly overreacting, but it does make me want a day or two break from life so I can recouperate.

Life is crazy!!!! I think Phil Collins sums up my life best right now with a line from one of his songs - " I love this awful, beautiful life!"

Rough Day

I've had it with co-worker!!! I've done my best to be a team player since his explosion a few weeks ago, but today..... Well, enough's enough! Apparently he's not going to get over his issues of having to share an office with me 2 hours out of the day 3 days a week, and I'm not willing to take his crap anymore. I'm tired of ignoring his name calling and responding to all of his snide remarks with sarcasm and blowing him off. Technically I have enough on him that I could file a grievance/harrassment charge with Human Resources. Another co-worker thinks I should, but first I'm talking to our supervisor tomorrow and giving him one final chance to handle it in house. I don't want to make a scene. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE drama!!

Today's final straw: He pounded on the door and attempted to walk into the office while I was meeting with a client because he forgot his umbrella. That was just wrong on so many levels!!!! Not to mention there wasn't a cloud in the sky today. Rather than going into all of the reasons why what he was doing was ethically wrong and confidentially violating to my client, I'd like to focus this post on how this is another blatant example of his disrespect for me as a therapist, as a co-worker, and as a human being.

I'm so thrilled that my therapist is taking vacation this whole week. She doesn't take enough time off. But right about now, I'm thinking... Seriously??? Her vacation had to be this week?????

I talked to 2 of my co-workers today - not to gossip but to make sure I wasn't over or under reacting to the situation and to get ideas on the best way to talk to my supervisor. I would have loved to talk to supervisor today but he was booked solid towards the end of the day, and I had class tonight. So I couldn't stay late. He's booked solid tomorrow, but I don't have class, so I'll stay after hours to talk to him if I have to.

Basically, my other co-workers said it's time I tell supervisor that I'm not putting up with it anymore. Being a therapist is draining enough and I don't deserve to use any spare energy I have fighting off offensive jabs from a co-worker. One wants me to do an ultimatum... Ask supervisor to choose co-worker or me. Not sure I'm brave enough to do that, but I will mention that I can file a harrassment suit if I need to, and I can also go to those that hired me and ask for another assignment. Either of those take the situation out of house and will make other powers that be on campus aware of the issue. I know that wouldn't make my supervisor look good. My last day for this semsester is Dec. 9, and I don't start back at work til Jan. 14. I plan to tell him he has until Jan. 14 to figure out how things are going to be different (as in getting me my own office or making sure we don't overlap work times at all) or I will be taking more drastic measures.

I haven't worked this hard and this long in therapy for some grouchy old man who barely does anything at work to slowly pick away at my self-esteem and energy reserve. I feel so burnt out right now and the sad thing is that it has nothing to do with the clients or amount of clients I've been seeing.

Christmas break can't get here soon enough!!

And I thought I was a planner..

I was on the phone with fiance' last night. At first the talk was going great. He'll be home in 2 weeks and said things should be settled down enough that we can plan and book our honeymoon in February. As of now there's no reason we won't be able to take it right after our wedding, but in Feb. we'll know for sure when we can go and can actually book the trip!!

This is where the conversation turned. The reason we won't know for sure until Feb. is because in March his unit will be 12 months out from their next deployment, and that's when they'll start gearing up for training again. It kills me that he already knows his next deployment date before he's even home from this deployment. I know he's telling me these things to explain that our wedding and honeymoon should fall at a good time as far as the military's concerned, but right now I just feel worse. He said he probably won't start traveling for training until July or Aug. - another way to say our honeymoon should be approved. The summer before his last deployment, he had to take 2 one month long training missions with the Army. So, in essence, he was telling me that less than 2 months after we're married, he'll be gone for a month and this probably won't be his only trip before he deploys again March 2011.

I did stop him and say, "Babe, can we just get through this deployment before you start talking about the next?" He was sweet and said of course. We talked about other things and then he had to go. Unfortunately, while I was able to get him to stop talking about it, we haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've cried off and on last night and all day today about it. I love him so much, and I know he is the man I want to marry, but I don't know if I can handle military life. How long will we be together before we're actually together longer than we've been apart? I feel so selfish wanting a husband who will actually be around and be a support. I am so proud of what he does, and I know he doesn't enjoy being away from me all the time either. Also, it will just be the first 5 years of our marriage, and praying we get to be married for a long time to come, I know that can be a drop in the bucket.

But right now I'm feeling scared and unsure. I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this though because I'm so afraid it will be misconstrued as doubt about marrying fiance'. And I feel selfish for saying I don't like what fiance' can offer me right now. It's not his fault when he had to deploy or when he has to go to training. I've been aware this went a long with him since our 3rd date.

And then I tell myself, this doesn't even matter right now, and I need to stick to the same thing that I told him. Get through this deployment, enjoy his time home, our wedding, and then start worrying about his next deployment.

Blah...

Still at the ICU

My friend is still in the ICU. He's off the ventilator now and seems to be functioning okay on a bipap machine. His carbon dioxide levels did get a big high overnight, but they seem to be in an okay place again today. They're working dilligently to move his surgery that was scheduled for December up to sometime this next week, but it requires getting a number of different specialists to coordinate their schedules. No one thinks this surgery will be as helpful as they originally thought it would be, but I know they must still think it will make a difference or they wouldn't be proceeding. My biggest fear is whether he's strong enough to withstand the surgery.

All the while, the rest of life goes on. Saw therapist yesterday. Our sessions lately are very helpful but are typically embarrassing and push my comfort zones. It's a mixed feeling going places that you know you need to go in therapy and wanting so much to continue just to avoid that part of your life at the same time. Making the choice to do the therapy adds an interesting dynamic to the situation as well, b/c now we can't blame anyone for "triggering" us or making us go there. We're choosing to go there. Ugh!

Fiance' will be home from Afghanistan in about 3 weeks. We are so ready for him to be home. This past week and especially the past few days, we've wished for his support so badly more than through e-mails or phone calls. A hug of comfort would be so nice!!!!

This afternoon I'm supposed to meet up with a good friend for coffee and then meet up with another great friend for the night. It feels weird to go and have fun when others that I care about so much are struggling so hard and fighting just to hang on.

Such is life, though, I guess.