February

Who can tell how I'm going to be from one moment to the next? One minute I'm doing tons better and the next I'm a basketcase all over again. I know I need to cut myself some slack. Not only is it that time of the month, but it's the beginning of February. We're smack dead in the middle of winter and here I sit wondering why I'm way more emotional that usual. How quickly I forget.... Up until last Februrary, I spent the 5 Februarys before that inpatient because things got so bad this time of year... and the years before that I probably needed inpatient care but wasn't in a therapy setting decent enough for the therapist to realize it.

Last year was tough, but not inpatient worthy. That was thrilling. I don't feel near needing inpatient help right now either, but in a moment of clarity, I wonder why I'm just now realizing that this is always a hard time of year for me? On top of things coming up in therapy, adjustments fiance and I are both having to make, planning a wedding, and just normal every day crap, I'm in the worst time of the year for me. Duh! No wonder I'm a basketcase.

It doesn't make the pain or depression any less and it doesn't make things easier to deal with, but I think I can start to cut myself a little bit more slack now. I am not turning into some needy, emotional girl who has a secret plan to run her fiance off by draining the life out of him. I realize some of you may almost laugh at that statement, but for a time, I really was afraid I was starting to self-sabotage our relationship b/c so much of the time (even though he's being insensitive and driving me crazy lately) I feel like he's more than I deserve and it's only a matter of time before he wakes up and realizes that.

What I am doing is surviving February the best way we know how at the moment. And while I want to be handling it better, I do need to give shout-outs to everyone inside for working so hard b/c even in this struggle, there are no impulses to self-harm. Just lots and lots of tears!! Tears we can handle. There is also the realization that by the mid to end of March, this will have passed and Spring will be here. Our mood and ability to handle and cope with strong emotions always improves in the Spring and through the Summer.

I talked to a dear friend last night who helped me put fears from my last post into perspective. While I still plan to talk to fiance b/c I want him to understand as much as possible, she helped me to see how many of my thoughts, fears, etc. are still rooted in the PTSD and the shame from the abuse.... and really have nothing to do at all with the current situation or fiance.

Right now I have to trust the people in my life who truly know me/us (the good and the bad) that we will not be dragging fiance into some downward spiral with us b/c we are on our way up. Yes, there are still great struggles, but the progress we've made over the past couple of years only lends to the progress we can continue to make that fiance can share in with us.

I sometimes wonder if abuse victims ever learn well enough that they don't have to be perfect and do everything right and keep to this impossible standard in order to be truly loved and cared about? I know there are people in my life that do that for me, but will I ever get rid of the fear that they may decide to leave one day? Will I ever trust that whether I'm being emotional, irrational, irritating or just a pill, someone else is truly going to stick with me? Are you ever able to let go of the fear that you may run everyone in your life away? And what does that say about me if I believe I actually have the power to do that? Sounds kind of grandiose.

For now, I have therapist, a few very dear friends, family and a fiancee that love me. This is more of a blessing than most of the people I know. I want to learn to cherish this rather than living in fear of losing it. At the same time, I'm going to remember to cut myself some slack. It is February after all.