In case I'm posting these entries too close together, the first part of this entry is entitled: Clear as Mud.
Assuming default mode passes in time, we've got to come up with a way to handle the current situation. A couple of ideas come to mind, but I don't know if they're good ones or not. Obviously, therapist and I will continue to work on things in therapy and she can talk with parts who have fears, concerns, memories, etc.
The other options I have so far:
1. Keep boundaries the way they are, inform fiancee of my fears, and pray harder than I ever have that God will take care of all of our needs so that sex is not the issue I see it being right now by the time our wedding actually rolls around.
2. Talk to fiance about the possibility of relaxing our physical boundaries a bit so that we can continue to slowly adjust to being more physical with him over a longer period of time.
While I truly believe my God is great enough to allow the first to happen, both of these feel manipulative towards fiancee on my end. Either I think he's not totally going to "get it" until after he says, I do. Or I'm asking him to potentially adjust his moral standards for my benefit.
And again I default back to how this whole situation would just be easier if I wasn't alive. Fiance could find a girl who can love him with all of her, who won't always having her past come up and bite hard during times that are supposed to be the happiest, who won't always feel so needy and insecure whether she tells you about it or not.
I know for so many years I walked around this and even more turmoil on me and held down a job and/or school, frienships, etc, but right now, for the life of me, I have no idea how. Things are shut down here tomorrow because of snow, and I am so thrilled that I don't have to go anywhere or be anything b/c honestly, I don't feel I could fake it right now.