Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Learning new things (possibly TW)

Today therapist talked to a part that I've been aware of and had communication with almost since the beginning of when I became aware of "others" in my head. Therapist wanted to talk to her b/c she's scared some other parts over her extreme eagerness for sex once we're married. She basically has said she's been patient for a long time and now it's her time and there's nothing wrong with it b/c the body is an adult and we'll be married, so everyone else just needs to deal.

As long as I've known her she's wanted to push the envelope. She considered herself to be 21 years old long before the body was actually 21. Nothing was out of reach or illegal for her. Over most of the last 10 years, overwhelming negative reactions to her behaviors by parts inside has mostly kept her in line. The "consequences" weren't worth the fun. She also is able to recognize that doing something illegal would not be smart. I guess I just always assumed and characterized her as the part that just wanted to have fun and didn't want to be bound by rules.

A lot more than that came out in therapy today. Therapist managed to break through her happy-go-lucky exterior and get to some much deeper things I never knew existed. Turns out she's excited to have sex b/c she realizes the power she has as a woman over men in that department. She could really care less about sex itself or the pleasure that may come from it. She could really care less about fiance. He's just the man in our life that is available. She couldn't even remember his name half of the time she was talking.

She also talked about wanting to use this "power" to hurt fiance - emotionally. She wants to feel powerful and in control. She sees no issue with this other than she can recognize that we DO NOT agree with her and could hear what therapist has to say. However, there seems to be no moral compass or guilt in these thoughts for her. I know she's not on a mission to hurt fiance, per say. He's neither here nor there to her. It could very easily be a different man. But this hurts my heart so much!!

I love fiance' more than I can put in to words. I can't imagine any part of me hurting him on purpose. I want all of us inside to love him as much as I do.

Given our past, this part's attitude makes sense, and I believe if she continues to work with therapist she can place her anger and desires for power over someone where they belong - on our abuser. However, it's so hard to reconcile that a part of me is not bothered at all by the thought of us hurting another person. I guess I've always felt peace in the fact that I've never been able to fathom how someone hurts another person even if they were hurt themselves b/c this is something I believed none of us struggled with internally.

It's sorta like being introduced to someone you've known for a long time whose motives are not as light or as innocent as you always believed. It's a lot to try and wrap my mind around.

The good news is that I do not believe she will act on these thoughts or desires she has, and I feel safe that we will not hurt anyone in our life. It's just very disconcerting to discover and admit to myself that a part of us feels capable of causing pain to someone else and feeling no guilt over it.

Sometimes I really feel like a stranger to myself.

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