Saturday, January 29, 2011

A little better today

Just wanted to write a quick update to say that today is going better. Yesterday I stayed in my pj's or on the couch or in my bed all day. My only communications were a couple of phone calls and the Internet. There were times I wanted to reach out more for support and help, but I didn't have any words to put with my pain, and I wasn't sure what would feel comforting to even know what to ask my friends and family for. Maybe I just needed the rest and grief time.

I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.

If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.

Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.

Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.

Friday, January 28, 2011


It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.

My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.

Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.

I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.

Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.

Night...err...good morning y'all.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Reminders of why to only put full faith in God

The pros of doing multiple Bible studies at the same time is that I am learning more than I expected and I'm being challenged to grow and it's keeping a fire in me lit at a time when my emotions want it to fizzle, so I can just "be."

The cons of doing multiple bible studies at one time is that I currently cannot find in which book and what Scriptures my thoughts for today are coming from because I cannot remember which book the thought was first placed in my head by to share with you, and I'm on a tight schedule right now, but really want to get this posted. So, forgive me for now for not having references. I promise to come back and add them later in the day or sometime in the next few days when I have time to search for them again.

The lesson on my heart the past week has been how I need to put all of my trust and faith in God and not in any human(s). I've had quiet times, scriptures, and supplemental readings all seem to be pointing to this idea. My natural thoughts have been God was sending this to me b/c I'm finding myself having thoughts, like "I can't let hubby deploy b/c I can't function if he leaves." I was independent for several, several years before I ever met husband, so this was a weird feeling for me to have, but it felt very true. I assumed God was gently reminding me that I did just fine before I met hubby; I survived hubby's first deployment; I've survived hubby's month long trainings away from home; and that I can survive this deployment. There is definitely something that changes with marriage, though. Husband and I are two completely different people (sometimes foreign to each other), but there is also something very true to the statement that "two become one". I feel so connected to him that it feels like my heart is ripping out letting him go. I also felt God had been telling me to put my trust in God to take care of hubby. Sending hubby in God's arms and with his protection is definitely comforting, and while my tears seem to be ever flowing, I have been finding peace in this most of the time.

Yesterday God brought this lesson to me on a whole new level. A dear friend of mine since my senior year of high school, a peer that I have always looked up to spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. She married and the mom of two precious girls and has always seemed to know how to do everything just right. Yesterday she called me on the phone and confessed to having been involved in an affair with a married man (her best friend's husband who is also the associate minister at their church) for the past 6 months. If my jaw could have literally hit the floor, it would have. When I asked her what convicted her to share this now, she replied that they'd been caught by the other man's wife. Wow! So, according to her the affair is officially over because "it has to be", but who knows how long it would have gone on if they hadn't gotten caught? Her husband and his wife are devastated, obviously.

I know my friend has been hurting for awhile. She's young (31) and her husband was diagnosed with MS 2 years ago. They have two small children and she's been drained, stressed, and doing everything alone for awhile. However, I am amazed at how well she's been lying to me about this affair for the past 6 months. I had wondered if she might separate from her husband for a time just to get a "break", but I had NO idea she was engaged in an affair. My heart breaks for all of those involved. I told my friend yesterday that I was glad she got caught if that's what it was going to take to end the affair. I told her that I loved her and wasn't going to stop being her friend. This is a great example of separating the sin from the sinner b/c I in no way condone what my friend has done. There is NO excuse good enough. But I still love her, and I will do everything in my power to help her get back on the right path with Christ and then her husband (if he's even interested).

I can't tell you how much this situation hurts, but I do know that God is showing me that even those we hold as "better Christians" than ourselves are susceptible to falling into deep sin. It reminds me that this is why I put my faith in him and not in fellow Christians. It would be tempting to say if this friend could turn her back on God in this way, then what's to keep me from doing the same? She's got it together so much better than I do. This would be foolish on my part though, because it's not about us at all. We only overcome b/c of God and Christ. Keeping my eyes on him, being dependent on him. Leaning on other Christians for support, fellowship, and guidance is still great and needed. But my hope and my trust must reside in God. He is the ONLY one who will never fail. Praise him for that!

Okay. May have gotten on my soapbox a little bit more than intended, but I've just been very struck how two very different situations in my life have reinforced the same lesson from God. So, I felt it was important to share.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Hanging On

Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.

He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.

I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...

Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Insight... and Just for laughs

So hubby is selling the most awful brown sectional couch on Craigslist. It's a miracle he's actually selling it. For a long time he was unwilling to part with it, so it's been taking up a ton of space in the garage for the past several months. A few people have shown interest, and I am amazed that they seem willing to pay what he's asking for the couch. But, hey, if he can make a nice profit, more power to him. Anyways, apparently a person wants to come and pick it up today. I'm never all that comfortable being home alone when someone comes to pick up something we've sold on Craigslist, but my hesitation is always greater when I haven't been the one communicating with the potential buyers.

So, long story short, he comes into the bedroom this morning to tell me someone wants to come pick the couch up, and did I care what time they came? My response was: "I don't want them to come when you're not going to be home." He looked at me for a second then said: "So, do you want them to come morning or afternoon?" I responded, "Don't you have to work today?" He said "Yes." So, after looking at him with a very puzzled expression for a minute, I responded again with, "I am not comfortable being home alone when a stranger is coming to our house." So then he says, "Okay, I'll tell them to come late afternoon." I followed up with: "Are you leaving work early today?" He said "No." (At this point I don't know whether to laugh at the insanity of this conversation or to be annoyed that he's not truly hearing me.)I'm pretty sure in his mind, he thinks if he asks enough and he asks sweetly enough that I'll give in and let the people come whenever. WRONG!! One more time I say to him: "I don't know how to say this more clearly. I DO NOT want these people coming to our house when you are not home!" So, he e-mailed them and told them they could come after 5:30 tonight.. I mean it is a week night. It makes me nervous if both the husband and the wife could come in the middle of the day.

I'm sure to him, this is nothing.... but he's a guy. Also, I've been feeling a bit more anxious lately.. Not all the time, just less trusting of people around me that I don't know.

And here's the insight part.... Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to hubby snuggling with me and he had an arm over my shoulder. In a half-asleep state, I freaked! I remember feeling trapped and smothered. I've never felt this way with him before, and it's not uncommon to wake up with one of his limbs on top of me. My guess at this point is that parts are pushing hubby away and making him less safe so the pain of him leaving next week may be met with relief instead of all pain. If his leaving "feels" safer, then it won't hurt as much to say good-bye. By default, if parts are putting hubby in a place of being 'unsafe' than strangers get catapulted to an even higher status of 'unsafe'. Thus being adamant about the Craigslist people not coming by when hubby isn't home.

How's that for a long way around to get to my small insight today. Good thing we have therapy in an hour! Lots to talk about and talk through!!!

Monday, January 17, 2011

Frustrated with myself

So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.

It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.

While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.

So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.

I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."

However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?

I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?

Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?

Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.

And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)

For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Struggling a bit today

No crises here. Just struggling a little bit today. Last night was the winter formal for my husband's military brigade. It was also the final hoorah before the soldiers start deploying in 12 days. It was a wonderful evening. I had so much fun, and evenings like that always boost my patriotism and respect for not only the job my husband does but for the job that every soldier in our country does year round - whether at home or overseas.

Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.

I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.

My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.

What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!

I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Trusting the Future

I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.

Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:

1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.

2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.

3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.

Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.

A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.

Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.

I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available.
Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7

Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.

Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.