Saturday, January 29, 2011

A little better today

Just wanted to write a quick update to say that today is going better. Yesterday I stayed in my pj's or on the couch or in my bed all day. My only communications were a couple of phone calls and the Internet. There were times I wanted to reach out more for support and help, but I didn't have any words to put with my pain, and I wasn't sure what would feel comforting to even know what to ask my friends and family for. Maybe I just needed the rest and grief time.

I went to bed by midnight last night - which shows how tired I was since I didn't get up until 1pm yesterday. I did sleep in until 11am today too, but I felt more rested and little more clear-minded today when I did get up. Husband called at 8am and I woke up long enough to talk to him. He's made it to his first destination safely, and it was soooooooooooo good to hear his voice. I am amazed how gradually with time (and I didn't notice it happening while it was) his voice has become a very calming and soothing thing for me (his smell does the same for me too). Hearing his voice on the phone this morning made everything better. It hurt when it was time to hang up with him, but I know even that short phone call has helped put a pep in my step today, and I praise God for that. It wasn't too many years ago that the smell of any man would have sent me running the other direction and nothing about a man was soothing to me. Now (as it should be, but I wondered if it was ever possible) my husband's smell and voice are two of the most soothing things in my life.

If I stop and think too long, I will start crying again. The pain is for sure not gone, and life will take some getting used to. I still brewed enough coffee for both of us this morning before I realized that I'd made too much. One of the habits I'll have to temporarily break.

Thankfully God has blessed me today with beautiful weather (sunny and in the mid 50's) and enough energy and drive to get out in it. Took a 6 mile bike ride today. The sun, fresh air, and energy expenditure was amazing. The fact that I haven't ridden my bike in 6 months meant the cardio was rough and I will pay for it my legs tomorrow. Totally worth it though. This got me motivated to do a few more things around the house that felt totally overwhelming yesterday. Some tasks still feel too overwhelming, but seeing this improvement from yesterday gives me much hope that other tasks will become more do-able over the next several days as well.

Gonna go make myself shower and put on some real clothes now. Time to start living again.

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