Saturday, January 15, 2011

Struggling a bit today

No crises here. Just struggling a little bit today. Last night was the winter formal for my husband's military brigade. It was also the final hoorah before the soldiers start deploying in 12 days. It was a wonderful evening. I had so much fun, and evenings like that always boost my patriotism and respect for not only the job my husband does but for the job that every soldier in our country does year round - whether at home or overseas.

Today the hoopla is over, and it's nice to stay in my pj's all day and just do stuff around the house. The struggle comes in b/c last night was the last big thing to anticipate and to plan for other than hubby's deployment. No more big events to look forward to... no more trips... now all of our planning and activities are based upon getting things ready for him to leave and for me to take over while I stay here. The reality of his deployment in 12 days has set in.

I've been helping out as much as I can today despite overwhelming lethargy and in between crying spells. Hubby's right when he says he's not gone yet, but now his leaving is imminent. I've also learned that my grieving tends to be more on the front end of events and less (still some)on the tail end. I will grieve his leaving more while I have him with me (and I guess somewhere deep inside hope things will change and he won't deploy) than I will after he leaves. Yes, I will be down and out for the first few days after he leaves, but I pick up the parts of our life that are mine and keep trucking. Today, though, I just want to shut down. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere. I want time to stop. I don't want to let hubby out of my sight, except he's busy getting things done and I'm struggling to get off the couch.

My daily Bible readings did help a bit today, but it's not gonna be a 180 in feelings day. I praise God that that's okay too. That can have down, blue, and off days and it doesn't mean my faith is lacking. It means I'm struggling today.

What a blessing to know I am not alone even though I feel alone in this right now. I will definitely be praying that every day up until he leaves is not a day like today, though!

I'm really glad 'blah days' are allowed. :)

No comments:

Post a Comment