Friday, December 31, 2010

New Year's Eve

Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!

Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.

We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.

Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.

At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.

Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:

1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.

I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.

I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.

Happy New Years!!!!!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Super Sonic Speed

Yes, that is the pace I feel my life is moving at right now. Not only have I not blogged since before Thanksgiving, but I'm not even finding time in my life to keep up with dear friends that I deeply care about. There is somewhat of an end in sight.

Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!

My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.

Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.

On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.

So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.

This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!

Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.

Monday, November 22, 2010


I don't have a ton of time right now, and I also think I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to blog right now because it will probably come out as a rant and rave... more than just a vent. I'm likely to type and publish things now that I will regret later b/c I am so angry.

More than anything, I just felt it important to blog that I AM ANGRY. Anger is a feeling most of us inside have always avoided at all costs. It's a scary feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There is nothing about it I like. Many time in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately, and I think only recently am I/are we learning how anger can be felt and expressed in a healthy manner.

Some of the things I am angry about, I have every right to be angry about. I do not think I am overreacting in the least. Other things I am angry about, by themselves, would not warrant this strong of a feeling, but right now they're piggy-backing on top of the other things that are making angry.... like adding more fuel to the fire.

While I am controlling myself, externally, things feel out of control internally. There's this boiling feeling in my stomach, and I have a feeling similar to indigestion in my chest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I have more energy in my arms than I know what to do with. I want to lash out at someone, but I know that won't make me feel any better.

In fact, I'm so afraid of saying something I'll regret, I can't even blog about the things that have me so upset right now. All I can do is blog about my experience of feeling anger. I have therapy in 30 minutes and I'm praying it will help me sort some stuff out, so they at least won't feel so out of control inside.

I also want to tease things out so that I do take action on the things I need to, but that I do so in an appropriate way, and in a way that helps the situation and doesn't just release the feelings welling up inside of me.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Silent screams* for now at least...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Still breathing

This past week has been one for the birds!! If it could go wrong, it has gone wrong. God is faithful and He is meeting all my needs. But I am emotionally drained, physically tired, and just want my husband home. I want life to slow down, I want a time-out. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to deal with the stupid management company. I want to call my therapist and continue to process this week. But I just talked to her this morning.. Besides, it's way too late to call her for a non-crisis situation. I just feel crappy. I need a vacation.

I need sleep. I should go to bed.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Why Gray is Better than Really Bad

Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.

This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.

My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.

In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.

I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.

It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.

I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.

Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

More Gray

This week the "gray" that we're trying to navigate invaded our feelings regarding our relationship with therapist. Not because she changed in any way, but because we are still grossly insecure in apparently the most secure relationships.

With every therapist we've ever had (minus inpatient ones), we've always been the therapist's most acute client. We've been the client in crisis all of the time, the one needing the most help outside of sessions, etc. These are not things we're so much proud of, but they have been definite identifiers that, in our mind, caused us to stick out to our therapists. Sometimes it's meant we got extra attention from the therapist and sometimes it's meant the therapist has dropped us b/c we were "too much to handle." It has never been a fun or pleasant place to be, but no matter what the situation, it was easy to see that our therapist could not just consider us "another client", "another paycheck", another "hour blocked off on the calendar". In a morbid sort of way this acuity made us feel special and noticed.

We've been with current therapist for almost 4 1/2 years. She's seen us at our worst and she's seen us at our best (so far). She has been unwavering in her commitment to us and care for us. She truly has been a gift straight from God in our lives. Still we found ourselves in a panic this week full of fear that we would begin to disappear off her radar since we weren't acute anymore. We feared being "replaced" by a new client that may come in who was more acute or more needy than us. It seems despite everything she has done for us, we still look at things as though she is only helping us b/c we're broken. And we are far from well, but we're mending. So, if we're not completely broken, will she still want to put the same effort and care into us? It's as though there is a wall that prevents us from seeing that she cares about us and helps us just b/c we are and not based on how bad we are. It is so hard to believe that she will stick with us as long as we want her to b/c she wants to b/c she cares about us as a human and a person.

Someone inside asked her why she was so good to us tonight. Why she doesn't think about leaving us? Everyone else in her position has always bailed when they've had the chance. How can she know so much about us and still want to be around us? She doesn't have to now b/c we're not in a life or death place anymore. Yet she's choosing to stay.

She is a saint b/c in therapy today she had to reassure us over and over again that she wasn't going anywhere. That we don't lose our importance or significance in her life b/c we're no longer acute or always in crisis. She is being so incredibly patient as we fumble around and try to figure out how we fit in this world and into therapy as we are now...... not constantly in crisis and not free from PTSD triggers and all the like associated with trauma.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate gray?? Black and white may be painful but it makes sense and is easy to understand. The vast grayness that lies between despair and "better" is not life threatening but brings with it it's own pains and struggles and anxieties. Most days I am keenly aware that it is a much better place than where we were, but other days (more than not lately) I just feel so lost and like I'm stumbling around in the dark hoping I'm still going in the right direction.

Praise God that I'm not on this journey alone!!!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Living in the Gray

Living in the Gray.... This has become our new norm (which is good but very uncomfortable). We no longer live in constant crises state where self-injury is the norm and the goal is just to survive the day. We no longer feel our insides constantly screaming with pain. BUT things are not all better. We are not completely free from our past. We still hold pain inside. Sometimes it's severe and scary and other times it's rather mild. And some days we actually just feel good.

This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?

In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.

It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.

In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.

I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...

Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Slowly calming down

Well I finally have 2 seconds to blog again.. Yay!

Things inside are slowly calming down and settling from the raw emotional roller coaster that started about 2 weeks ago. I'm still emotional, but then when am I not emotional? haha! I can tell things are improving though because I dropped husband off yesterday morning to go away for training for 3 weeks, and I didn't bawl my eyes out.

Things are slowing down a bit in my external life too. Tomorrow through Monday is Fall break. I'm planning to spend the majority of the time working on my research thesis. It's the only thing other than my current internship that I have to finish before graduating in December. Even though I'll have plenty to keep me busy, I'm excited to get to work on my schedule and at my pace. And to SLEEP in!!!! I feel so sleep deprived.

Not much else that I feel like deeply delving into at the moment. Just wanted to say that I am getting a break in the overtly raw emotions for the time being. God is so good!!!!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Still kicking

Just wanted to take a few minutes to post that I'm still here putting one foot in front of the other. Things have calmed down a little bit from last week, but I'm still dealing with very raw emotions, and feelings of vulnerability and instability that are higher than normal for me.

I've gotten to see hubby more this week, and that's been helpful. Still fighting with the insurance company to pay for therapy and hubby is still leaving for 3 weeks next Tuesday for training, but we have fun weekend plans, so I'm trying to stay focused on that.

We admitted to therapist yesterday that we don't "feel" safe right now. Not unsafe in the sense that we're afraid we'll hurt ourselves, but no place feels like a safe haven right now. I put "feel" in quotation marks because my rational mind knows that we're not safe. My therapist calls this "classic" PTSD. I don't know whether to be reassured or demoralized by that. I guess it doesn't really matter. I keep reassuring us that we are safe, but it doesn't seem to lessen the feelings. At least for the moment they're not too overwhelming. I know parts of me are feeling desperate though b/c they're using the fact that my weight is about 5 lbs. higher than what my optimum weight is as an excuse to restrict eating and over-exercise. My mind knows these things are bad for me and can remember that, at least for me, there is a direct correlation in getting enough nutrients and my depression levels. However, that rationality and knowledge is NOT as strong as the desires to act on these feelings and impulses. The only thing keeping this relatively under control right now is sheer will power and the desire to not get back into a really bad place.

Last night I awoke in a panicked stated with my husband asking me if I was okay. I have no idea what I was dreaming about. He left before I got up this morning, so I look forward to getting his take on things tonight.

On one hand, I still feel like we have a good grip on things and with therapist's help, this can stay very manageable (even though it won't be easy)and will even improve with time. On the other hand, I find myself praying that God can just help me stave off a total meltdown until after the first of the year. Then I can finish my internship and graduate with another blasted graduate degree that I may never use, and possibly see husband off on deployment without him having to see me at my lowest where no part of me rational.

All I know for sure right now is that I have control over my choices today, and what I need to focus on is what I can do to make smart, healthy choices right now. *Sigh*

It really sucks being back in one-day-at-a-time modality.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Runaway train

My life feels like a runaway train right now. So much has changed, is changing, and is going to change, and it all feels out of my control. Now, I realize lots of things in my life are always out of my control, but lately I seem to be grasping for anything that I can have say-so over. In fact, it's getting so bad that I caught myself restricting my food intake yesterday. I made myself eat once I realized what I was doing, b/c I DO NOT want to go back down that road again, but I'm finding it really hard. Going to the grocery store today about caused a panic attack and all of the food looked disgusting. I'm also having self-injury impulses again. I haven't acted out or really even come close, but it's major sirens inside that I'm even having the impulses.

The military changes my husband's plans, schedule, away training dates, home training dates, deployment date every other day. He reacts and responds much better than me. Sure he gets frustrated, but without a trauma history and 6+ years of military life, he rolls with the punches much better than I do. I hope I get better with time, and I probably can with the military stuff.... but I don't know how to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes from feeling no control over anything in my life and not being able to talk to my husband about it b/c he's always working, my parents about it b/c they freak out and think I'm on a downward spiral again, or most friends b/c they just don't get it.

I'm really missing Tempy right now. She's where she needs to be and is getting an awesome chance for growth and experience, but she's my go to person. Only getting to talk to her for 15 minutes once a week is hard when we used to talk several hours a week. It's a compliment to how awesome she is that I miss her so much, and I know she is exactly where she needs to be and where God wants her to be... I just doesn't help my selfish wish to have her listening ear available right now. I know how God was using her before going to Mercy Ministries, and I am truly excited to see how he will continue to use her when she graduates.

Anyways, it just really sucks to walk around all of the time with your insides screaming "I'm in pain! I need help!" and on the outside still going to my internship and appearing to be fine and have it altogether. It's very reminiscent of the dark valley we were in for so many years and have only experienced some relief from over the past 2 years.

I wish I could hit a pause button on life just long enough to process everything in my mind and all of these emotions and feel like my head is well above water again. But there is no "pause" button or "easy" button.... so I guess it's just one foot in front of the other until this too passes.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Is there a pause button??

There is so much I want to blog about and have been trying to find the time to say. However, right now, my life seems to be moving 100 miles a minute and most of them take me away from the internet.

Hubby is working nights the next 3 nights, so hopefully I'll have time to get a couple of my posts out then. I miss my blog friends and I hope each of you are doing well.

Look for updates very very soon!

My best to all!!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Middle School Drama

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Getting used to working (even if it is an unpaid internship) and being a wife has taken up most of my free time. I've had lots of thoughts that I've wanted to blog about swirling through my head lately, but finding the time to sit down and type them out has been a much larger challenge than I anticipated. Maybe I'll find time over the long weekend to catch up on some of them, but for right now, I'm going to go where my mind has been today.

I am currently doing my internship in the guidance department at a local middle school. I've seen just about everything in the short month I've been here so far. I've called Department of Children Services for a child whose mother is neglectful. I've called mobile crisis to assess a child who was suicidal in my office. I've talked to parents, teachers, and other school staff about academic and emotional issues.

Most days, thankfully, are not intense home issues or safety issues with my students. Most are girl drama, someone starting rumors, girls fighting over guys, guys fighting over girls, guys fighting just to fight, etc....

Being in middle school working has gotten me thinking back to my middle school days. I'm sure the same drama was going on when I was in middle school, but apparently I was living in my own internal world back then. I remember walking into the bathroom one time and there were 2 girls smoking. They asked me if I was a "nark". At the time I had no clue what a nark was, but I told them I wouldn't tell on them. That is the most drama I remember from middle school.

I remember being totally involved and in love with gymnastics (most of the time). I remember feeling a dysthymic level of depression even back then. I remember having a decent group of girlfriends to hang out with and getting my school work done. I remember thinking boys were cute but having no desire to date them.

When I watch these kids in middle school now and all the drama they either cause or are involved in, it makes me wonder if I was so dissociative back then (even when I was not aware of other parts) that I just missed things going on around me? In fact, most of my life, I tend to stay on the low-side of drama when possible. I'm pretty oblivious to most things going with rumor mills or who's doing what. Most of the time I'm really glad. I've got enough drama in my own life. I really don't like to be involved in others.

I guess I just got to thinking today what middle school would have been like had my head been boring enough for me to care about who was dating whom, who might be pregnant, what girl thought what about another girl, etc? I watch these kids and I know it's hard being in middle school; but I can't help but wish that those were the biggest drama things in my life back then. It also makes me sad to realize that there probably weren't really times in my life when I was talking, speaking, reacting and responding normally to life around me.

Lately it seems these subtle realizations of things current and past are more reaffirming of the abuse than any of the major memories that we've spent a lot of time trying to process. I guess it makes sense, but it still makes me want to say "blah."

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Hubby's coming home today!!

Just wanted to write a quick post to say hi and that I'm hanging in there. Insurance is still up in the air about covering T, but I'm choosing to be thankful that it's still up in the air. Last week, I thought the book was closed on the topic of insurance paying, but now there's a slight chance again we can work things out. *Fingers crossed!!!*

Hubby's coming home from a month long training today! I'm so excited!! I've missed him so much!!! But that might mean it's a few days before I get to blog again. I want to spend time with him to make up for the past month and with both of us working right now, my blog might take a hit for a week or so. Once we're back into a routine, I hope to start blogging again. I find I miss it when I don't blog for awhile, but lately finding a time to blog has been challenging as well.

Anyways, I'm around. Plugging along, and making myself still work towards more complete healing. Thanks for keeping up with me. It really means more than I can say!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

First impressions

First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.

This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.

How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.

This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)

Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.

So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.

Stuff like this just gets me thinking....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Circles in my Head

The past few days I feel like my head keeps getting caught in this circular thinking that results in a rollercoaster of emotions riding through my stomach and streaming down my face. Nothing that horrible has happened, yet at moments I feel like my life has come to a stop and the world is ending.

I recognize that these are triggered feelings based on current frustrating events. In therapy on Friday and today, I was able to talk about what I was feeling and identify what about the situation felt so triggering. It all makes sense, but understanding why doesn't make me feel any better.

As of Friday, my insurance denied to pay for my therapy. Therapist is 45 minutes too far South so she is considered out of network. There is still more than one option to work out ways I can continue to see therapist and it be affordable, so the majority of my feelings don't revolve around fear of losing therapist. My feelings start by being ticked at insurance company because they won't pay for something I need and deserve. Then I get pissed at Him for hurting us in the first place and getting away scott-free while we spend thousands of dollars in therapy to try to get our life back. Then I get pissed at husband b/c his job has had him away for 3 weeks and he'll be away for another week, and I've had virtually no contact with him, so I can't talk to him about this, my feelings, finances, etc. Then I get pissed that I still need therapy and is it even worth all of the hassle? Then I'm pissed at the whole world including myself. All of this leaves me wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out... to lie down and quit trying...

Then I calm down. I realize this issue with insurance is not the end of the world. I step back and look at how many good things I still have in my life and how blessed I am. I think about how I've walked through much harder things and come out just fine. I remember that God is in control and while he never promised me an easy road on this planet, He did promise me that I will overcome because of Him. I am convicted that lying down and giving up at this point is not an option. I've come too far and I still have further to go. So, I pick myself up. Go to my internship. Have dinner with friends and live. I'm currently sitting with a low level of depression and a deep level of sadness all of the time, but it is not debilitating.

Then, one little thing happens and the overwhelming feelings and thoughts start up again, everything blows up again, and I'm back to wishing I could go to sleep forever. I stick it out, calm down, think clearly again and get productive for a bit.

This is my cycle the past few days (minus the weekend when I just dissociated and contained all of this b/c you can't do anything about insurance over the weekend). I don't know how many more days this will be my cycle. It totally sucks!!!!! But I am sooooooooooo thankful I am cycling and not just staying in the difficult place.

This too shall pass. I just gotta keep myself from doing anything irrational during the rough spots and make my big decisions during times when I'm in the space to make big decisions responsibly.

Healing is a bear....

Friday, August 6, 2010


Well, I'm finally starting to get over this cold. Whew! 100 degree temperatures and starting my internship this week is not a good combination when your body decides to get a cold. I'm physically exhausted this afternoon, but feeling much more emotionally stable than yesterday.

I thought once I got on to husband's insurance, things would be a lot easier in getting sessions approved to see therapist and I could stop paying out of pocket to see her. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, I have an unlimited amount of sessions (which is cool) but they don't want to pay for me to see therapist b/c even though she takes my insurance she's technically out of network b/c I'm considered in the North network and she's considered to be in the South network. Her office is 40 miles from where I live. There is NO DID/PTSD therapist closer than that. Plus, I don't know any details, but I know therapist sees other clients who have my exact insurance so I know they can make this approval for me.

Normally, I'm used to the insurance run around, and I'm up for the challenge, but yesterday I was just over it. I was tired of fighting them, tired of my drama, and spent most of my session telling therapist while she should be tired of me too. Thankfully this was just my overreacting and irrationality and she is not tired of me and found it ridiculous that I would even suggest such.

In all honesty, I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the realization of how much I still need therapy and still need therapist. Many days I'm functioning well and even find myself wondering if I still need to see therapist twice a week and if I'm using the time wisely. I am aware and still acknowledge all of the progress we've made to move out of crisis/stabilization stage into a real working/healing life productive stage. But I guess sometimes I want to think this stage means I need less help or it will be less difficult. In reality, it's just difficult in a different way. 99% of the time it's a very manageable place to be in, but then I still have days like yesterday where it feels like the whole world is ending, and I can't do things one more day. The positive side is that typically I can sleep off the "world is ending" feeling and pick up and go on with life the next day. That's a HUGE difference and positive step forward that we've taken.

Healing is still baby steps.... I just gotta remember that to keep frustration levels down.

On a very positive note. I got to hear from husband today for the first time in 4 days!! Only 2 1/2 more weeks and he'll be home again. I never knew I could miss him this much. I'm going to consider that a very good thing that I am missing him. :)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Just wanted to say that I'm around. Went out of town over the weekend and didn't have internet service. Now I have a cold, so I'm not up to writing much. Therapy's been pretty tough this past week, but I am pleased that we're hanging in there rather well so far. Hopefully I'll continue to be pleasantly surprised in this department.

My internship for school starts up in a couple of days, so I'm using the engergy I do have right now to get things ready for that and finish up other things I've been needing to work on for awhile.

We've survived one week of husband being gone. Only 3 more to go!!! Thankfully, a dear friend is coming in town this weekend and staying with me for a whole week! I know she says it's b/c she needs a vacation from her life (I totally believe her), but I don't know that she knows what a huge blessing it will be to me to just not be alone for a week. Plus, it's gonna be awesome getting to spend time with her!!

Okay. Time for lunch, more cold medicine, and back to work.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This is Who I Am

My last several posts have dealt with 8 lies that many trauma survivors believe as a result of satan's lies. And while I took time in each of those to refute those lies, I thought it might be good to wrap up this little segment putting all of the truths together.



I am a friend of the Almighty God of heave and earth. (John 15:15)
Jesus is not ashamed to call me his sister/brother. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am chosen by God, holy and without fault in His eyes. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am an heir to the riches of the Creator of the universe. (Galatians 4:7)

I have been rightly called a child of God. (John 1:12)
God has made me His salt and light in the world. (Matthew 5:13-14)
I am an eternal being and will never perish. (John 3:16)

I am no longer condemned. (Romans 8:1)
I have been justified before the righteous Judge. (Romans 5:1)
I am at peace with God. (Romans 5:1)
God no longer remembers my sins. (Hebrews 10:17)

God loves me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am God's temple, bought at a great price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
God knows, chose, called, justified, and glorified me. (Romans 8:29-30)


I am accepted in Christ. (Ephesians 1:6)
I am a chosen, costly, living stone in God's building. (1 Peter 2:4-5)
I have bold, unrestricted access to God's throne of grace. (Hebrews 4:16)


God has given me the spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
God's Spirit in me is greater than any unholy spirits in the world. (1 John 4:4)
I am born of God and believe in Jesus - I'm a world-overcomer. (1 John 5:4-5)

I am loved by God and nothing will keep us apart. (Romans 8:38-39)
I am loved supremely - enough for God to die for me. (John 15:13)
I am loved unconditionally, even when I sin. (Romans 5:8)

I am intimately attached to Christ and bearing fruit. (John 15:5)
I am a member of God's eternal family. (Galatians 3:26)
Christ is as close to me as my heart and lungs. (Galatians 2:20)
I am part of Christ's body with millions of brothers & sisters. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am an eternal member of God's Kingdom and household. (Ephesians 2:19)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I admitted in therapy today that I've basically been bringing BS stuff to talk about to session for the past few weeks. I didn't know I was even going there today, and I wanted to kick myself the minute I said it. Therapist is so great about letting me talk about whatever I need to - big or small. But if she finds out the smaller stuff or maybe a better term is the stuff I could just talk to friends and family about to sessions as a means of avoiding other stuff, she gets really good at calling me on my BS. ugh!

I feel stuck in a Catch 22 right now that I never anticipated. On the one hand, it's so nice to feel good more often than I feel bad, to only "ride the crazy train" occassionally and usually only for a few hours at a time, to be free of self-injury impulses, to be able to think clearly and live in the present mentally and emotionally. On the other hand, there is much unfinished business with some parts inside that got put on hold last summer when I got engaged b/c the topic of marriage, guys, sex, and fears surrounding all of those issues to precedence. Those were absolutely not a waste of therapy sessions. Without that hard work on those issues, I don't think married life would be going as smoothly as it is right now with far fewer triggers than I ever anticipated.

Now, however, those issues have been worked with and are under control, so the natural course of action would be to go back to the stuff that got put on the back burner for awhile in order to continue in the healing process for all parts inside. Just the thought of this scares the sh*t out of me! I had the same reaction today with therapist that I had with husband a week or so ago when he asked if I was still planning to get off of my anti-depressant. It's not that I don't want to continue to get better or be med free, but right now both of those options send panic through my entire body that I'm going to struggle again like we were from 2003-2008. My brain says, I can't go through that again!!!!!

As therapist reminded me though, if I ingore the pain of other parts and make them feel they are not allowed to have a voice anymore, the repercussions may be much worse. Someone may store up their energy and take over b/c they can't just keep holding on anymore. I could find myself in an unanticipated crisis situation just from ignoring parts inside. Therapist thinks that while it's going to be crazy tough, I'm not necessarily bound for suicidal alley again as we work through another part's issues. She says my hope and strength from coming through my stuff can feed into them just as their emotions feed into me. I pray that she's right.

So now, here I sit feeling stuck. I continue on as I have been and I feel good but I definitely risk an uprising inside, or I start back into the difficult work that can be so overwhelming trying to keep the mindset that the goal is to get all parts "to the other side" of their trauma. Catch 22.

For the past week I've been posting Lies that satan tells trauma victims. Everything I've been posting is from my heart and I believe it to be true. The problem with DID is that I don't even have all of myself on board into believing it's true. It's like witnessing about Christ to 19 different people at one time except they're all in your head and they're all skeptical. I know God is the only reason I made it to this okay place, and now my challenge is to help them see that God will carry other parts of me through as well. While in the meantime, being a wife, a friend, going to work, and wanting to minister to people outside of my head.

God can do all things. I do not doubt that for one second. What I doubt are parts of me accepting that when all they've known is truama. And to do memory work again without God seems wreckless. How does anyone heal from their trauma without God? But I know I'm getting to a point where it can't continue to sit on the back burner anymore.

Lie # 8 - Separated

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are alone and you should stay that way.
2. No one wants you around.
3. You shouldn't be such a bother to other people.
4. People wish you weren't here.
5. You should go someplace else.

Your true identity: CONNECTED

And you are connected in two realms...


John 15:5 - I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Jesus' picture of our connectedness to him views us as branches fed by him and fused together with him. His connectedness to us is what allows us to show others him and be the people we want to be.

Galatians 3:26 - For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Assuming you had a healthy relationship with your parents or you are now a parent of your own, you understand the connection between a child and his/her parents. If you are a parent, you understand the unconditional love that you feel for your child and a connection to that child that cannot be explained. As children of God, he feels that same connectedness to us that never changes on his end and he is always longing for that connectedness with us.

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I don't know a way to be more connected to Christ than to have him living in you.


1 Corinthians 12:27 - All of you together are Christ's body, and each of you is a part of it.

If you read this chapter more fully, it goes on to talk about how we are not all the same part of Christ's body b/c we all have different talents and gifts. However, a body only functions well when all members are present and connected. It works the same with a body of Christians. Your brothers and sisters in Christ can provide encouragement and help to you and also give you an opportunity to return the favor.. to challenge and encourage one another. If you're not in a place where you can have a congregational church family, keep in mind that all Christians are your brothers and sisters and you can reach out via phone, e-mail, Skype, etc. In my own opinion, this connectedness is only second to that of your connection with Christ. Who better to support your and spur you along than others who are striving for the same connectedness with Christ?

Ephesians 2:19 - You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household.

God has made us citizens in his eternal world and called us members of his household. What greater connectedness could we ask for?

You are NOT alone or disconnected. Through Christ you are more connected than you can ever imagine!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Lie # 7 - Unlovable

Lies of the enemy:
1. Who would ever love you?
2. You're so ugly and boring.
3. You are beyond being loved, by God, by your family, or by anyone.
4. You really have no redeeming qualities.
5. If people knew the real you, they'd hate you.

This lie is something I struggled with even after husband proposed to me. I've always had such a fear that if anyone got to know the "real me", there is no way they could love me. I questioned him all the time to make sure he didn't feel I was somehow "tricking" him into marry me. I've felt this way with most relationships in my life. I think it's why I work overtime to be "likable" to everyone. Time and time again husband, therapist, and a few friends have proven to me that they still love me even in my most 'unlovable' moments.

If humans are capable of such unconditional love, how much more does our heavenly Father love us no matter what???

Your true identity: LOVABLE

Romans 8:38,39 - For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

These two verses list 10 things that CANNOT separate us from the love God has for us. Reading over this list it reminds me of the no loop holes safety contracts I used to have to make when I was greatly struggling with self-injury. Except in this case, it's a no loop holes God loves us unconditionally and forever.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Romans 5:8 - But God shows His great love for us in this way: Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

There are a few people on this planet that I love deeply enough I would gladly lay down my life for them and a few others that I would lay my life down for (maybe just not as gladly ;) ). I honestly don't know that I would lay my life down for a stranger, someone who treated me horribly, or someone who wasn't even born yet. But this is exactly what Jesus did. He loved each of us so much, he chose to die for our sins despite us not existing yet, despite the sins we as humans will naturally commit, and whether or not we choose to accept him. He loves us so much that he died for us whether we choose to love him back or not.

Zephaniah 3:17 - For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will give you victory. He will rejoice over you with great gladness; He will love you and not accuse you. Is that a joyous choir I hear? No, it is the Lord Himself exulting over you in happy song.

Again, numerous things in this verse that the Lord does out of love for us: live among us, give us victory, rejoice over us, love us, not accuse us, exult over us.

I know I will never fully grasp it, but understanding God's unconditional love and how great it is, gives me the warm feeling inside that sometimes I try so hard to get from other people. I think letting God's love fill me more will feel a need I look for in others in ways that others could never provide.

This is not to say the love of others is not incredibly important and vital to happy living, but God's love is unfailing. Even the person on this planet who loves you the most will fail you from time to time. Seeking a higher love to be my main love, helps me to keep this world into perspective and pay attention to what really matters.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lie # 6 - Powerless

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are weak.
2. You are damaged goods.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. How helpless can one person be?
5. Someone's always got to take care of and/or clean up the messes you make.

Ouch.... but how many of these can you relate to. I feel like I'm making good progress in my healing. I feel like I have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm also a long way from where I started. Yet, going through this Bible Study, I am seeing so many lies that I still believe. Despite improved self-esteem and self-confidence, it's surprising how many of the lies we've talked about so far that I still find myself believing to be true. It just goes to show how sneaky satan is to still slip things like this into our thinking even when you know you're on the right track. Praise God for Bible studies like these and good friends who help continue to point things out to you so you can let go of the lies and continue to embrace the you that you really are.

Your true identity: POWERFUL

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Debilitating fear that leaves us powerless is not from God. While in my personal opinion, I do not believe that fear is a sin nor does God get angry at us for it, fear that keeps us from acting is not of Him. Courage and power does not mean fear is not allowed (although if my faith in God was always strong enough, I probably wouldn't have fear), but it means we fight on and push through our fears because we know our Creator is stronger than whatever we face here on the planet. God gives us his power and that power is strong enough to overcome anything!

1 John 4:4 - You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you that he who is in the world.

"He who is in the world" in this context refers to satan and his allies. Isn't reassuring to hear straight from the Bible that God in us is greater than anything else we may encounter and he has already overcome!?!?!??!

1 John 5:4-5 - For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the son of God.

Believing and trusting in something that you can't blatantly see requires a lot of faith. The best way I know to tell people who struggle b/c they say they can't see God is to try to show her/him how he's in everything - just not in the ways we're used to. He's in a warm hug from a friend, a daisy in a sidewalk, he's in the wind, the fire at a cookout... and on and on... God created everything and is in everything. With this thought, it amazes me that to overcome the world, all I have to do is believe that Jesus is the son of God and try to live my life for him.

Trauma - past or current makes you feel powerless.... powerless to stop what's happening to you, what you're being forced to do, and powerless to control all of the feelings and emotions that accompany the trauma. But this "weakness" is only temporary in Christ Jesus. He can strengthen you here on this planet and there will be no weakness in you in Heaven. When Jesus was taken into custody, flogged, tortured and crucified, you can bet he was weak physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it was only temporary. God rescued him like he will rescue us. Also, those experiences mean Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be backed up against a wall and holding on for dear life. He truly can understand your pain and suffering. All God asked of Jesus during that time was to hold on. His power would be restored to him at the proper time. You may be feeling week now, and maybe all God is asking of you is to hold on. He will always come through. He NEVER fails.

Truth # 6 You are POWERFUL!!

Quick update

Sorry for not being able to Post Lie #6 yesterday. I will make that post today. Yesterday morning I took my Praxis 2 test (ugh). I'm pretty sure I passed but it was a lot harder than the practice test GTS offered with their study book.

When I got home from my test about 1:30pm, husband was waiting for me with an afternoon and evening of surprises..... our only 2nd real date since getting married 2 months ago today! He had rented us a wave runner for the afternoon at a nearby lake and then took me out to eat at a restaurant downtown in the nearest large city. I had a blast!!!!!! I only got pulled over by the "lake police" once and managed to chase a bird across the water and catch up with it enough that the bird dove into the water and stayed under for about 15 seconds before resurfacing rather than just flying up and away. Yeah, I like to drive a little crazy on wave runners.

Anyways, because of the sweet and awesome day my husband planned, I didn't get to blog yesterday. I'll have plenty of time to make up for it though because he leaves tonight for training on the other side of the country for a month. :(

I'm loving having him around all the time so being apart for a month with virtually no communication is NOT going to be fun. Thankfully I have stuff to keep me busy and a friend from out of state may come and stay with me for a few days.

Anyways.... Time to catch up on my other postings.

Oh.... I want to get a big shout out to Tempy for my new blog layout. I love it and could never have done something this cool myself!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Lie # 5 - Rejected

Lies of the enemy:
1. You're a failure.
2. You're such a loser.
3. No one wants you.
4. You're not qualified.
5. Everyone else is better than you.

Your true identity: ACCEPTED

Ephesians 1:6 - To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

Beloved in this instance refers to Christ. God's grace makes us accepted in Christ, and who greater is there to accept us?

1 Peter 2: 4-5 - As you come to Him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Jesus, the son of the living God, was rejected by mankind, but he was always seen as chosen and precious and accepted by the Father. In the same way, God has chosen all of us. Whether the people in your life accept and love you or whether like Christ, you have been rejected and outcast, your acceptance with the Holy Father is still the same and is unconditional. In addition, God recognizes the hardships you are going through while remaining faithful to them. He counts these as spiritual sacrifices and sees these as acceptable as well. Your struggles are acceptable to Christ.

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I don't know about you, but I rarely approach anything boldly. I'm getting better, but typically, I prefer to timidly approach things and test the water before getting too close. Hebrews states that we are to come boldly before the Lord and obtain..... What I gather from this is that we are so completely and fully accepted by God we can come to him like a child does to a loving parent and boldly as for and get the things that we need without fear.

You are never rejected by the Father. You are ACCEPTED by the only one whose acceptance really matters.

a side note

I need to step away from the blog format of the past 4 days to throw in an extra entry b/c I'm not sure where else to talk about it. For those of you keeping up with the Eight Lies Most Trauma survivors believe, Lie #5 will be posted later this afternoon.

A classmate and aquaintance of mine (we're friends in class and on FB, but we don't hang out in real life) recently lost her husband in Afghanistan. I only found out about it this morning b/c it's summer, and I haven't really seen or talked to her all summer. I am heartbroken for her. She is a widow at the age of 25 with a 4 year older daughter, a 2 year old daughter, and a 2 month old daughter.

It can be easy at times to play the "army wife". I go to my FRG meetings and am polite and sociable. This morning I went on the Family Fun Run where families of my husband's batallion run 2 miles with their soldier. I'll meet a gazillion people I won't remember tonight at a Hail and Farewell..... Sometimes I can almost forget how in 6 months he'll be in mortal danger everyday again when he deploys.... how precious and fragile life is....

I'm sad that he leaves Sunday for a month for training, but I'm not worried about his safety. He's not leaving the States. I will miss him, but he'll come home. But there's nothing similar to the death of a soldier that you knew or watching someone grieve their husband for our freedom.

How can I ache so badly from a situation that I am so removed from? And the thought of something happening to my husband when he deploys again..... well, I can't even go there... I know it's good that I don't on a regular basis. Most soldiers come home safe and sound, but it is very very sobering to be reminded of all of the men and women (including my husband) whose job by nature asks them to risks their lives daily and that not all of them will come home.

Sorry to be riding the depressing train this morning, but this didn't seem like crisis enough to contact T and it's hard to talk to hubby b/c he just wants to tell me not to worry.

Somebody please tell me again why I let love convince me I was strong enough to be an Army wife????

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Lie # 4 - Devalued

Lies of the enemy:
1. No one needs you.
2. You're not good enough.
3. You don't have anything useful to say.
4. You are absolutely worthless.
5. You really suck!

How many of these can you relate to or how many more of your own can you add to the list? Praise God this list too is a lie.

The truth is that we are VALUED by God and his thoughts and feelings about us are greater than any other's in the entire universe.

Jeremiah 31:3 - The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

God not only loves us forever (past and future) but also is working to draw us near to him because he values us so much.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Don't you realize that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor your body.

When Israel was strong and before Christ came, the Temple in Jerusalem was the one place on earth where God was manifested and represented. (Side note - it took Solomon 20+ years to build God's Temple in Jerusalem) It was the most magnificent and expensive building on the planet at the time for that reason. Since Christ's resurrection, God has chosen us to be his Temple and has chosen to manifest himself in each one of us. In addition, he wanted to use us as his earthly dwelling place so badly, he sent his own son to die for our sins so we could be pure enough for God to dwell in us. With this frame of reference, it makes it difficult to see myself as invaluable if I am the vessel in which God chooses to dwell on this planet, and the same is true for you!

Romans 8:29-30 - For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, He called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with Himself. And having given them right standing, He gave them his glory.

So, God CHOSE us well before we were born to become like Christ and to be his sisters and brothers and be given God's right standing and GLORY!!!! When you think of any earthly glory you may receive - an honor from the President of your Country, the Nobel Peace Prize, a military award...... anything that is awe inspiring.... NONE of this even begin to compare to the glory of God which he is freely giving to you because you are his valued child.

Bottom line: YOU HAVE GREAT VALUE!!!!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

template issues

Sorry about the crazy blog layout. I got a messages from the cutest blog on the block saying my layout was going to be taken down on Friday and I needed to pick a new one. In the midsts of doing so, their website went down for maintenance for the next few hours. Bear with me, and I'll try to get things more readable again soon.


Lie # 3 - Accused/Guilty

Lies of the enemy (satan):
1. You really blew it.
2. You're unforgivable.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. You need to be punished.
5. You can't be trusted.
6. Everyone knows what a hypocrite you are.

So how many of these can you relate to. I think this is one of the hardest lies for me to overcome. I can identify with all of these, except I might change the last one to read more like, "everyone will leave you and hate you when they find out what a hypocrite you are." B/c see, I'm really good at "pretending to be nice and kind and good". When people finally see the real me, I expect it will be like those old horror films where the lady covers her face with her hands, screams a blood curdling scream, and runs away.... and then I can say to anyone who thought they knew me "see, told you so."

I've been working hard on this one. Owning up to mistakes and sin when I should but also learning how to not own up to things or take the blame for things that I am innocent of. I think this is an important step in placing the blame of the childhood abuse where it belongs and being able to see myself as I truly am. Although, I'm also learning that if I'm not viewing myself through God's eyes, I will never be able to see myself as I truly am.

So, whether you're like me and on the road to letting go of guilt (some days I do handle this better than others) or you're in a place where guilt is overtaking you. There is hope. Whether everything that has happened to you has been your fault (which I assure you it has not) or none of it was your fault, Jesus Christ offers:


Romans 8:1 - Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

NO condemnation. If you have confessed the sin to God and are repentant, he will not continue to hold it against you or condemn you for it. It doesn't mean that there won't still be consequences, but you are not bound by it forever.

Romans 5:1 - Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

In this sense, Justified means "declared not guilty". Jesus's death on the cross covered all of your sins and washed them away. You are seen to God as a sinless creature because of the blood of Jesus.

Hebrews 10:17 - Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.

How awesome is that? When you bring your sins before the Lord and ask for forgiveness, not only does he offer immediate and loving forgiveness, he wipes the sin from his memory. So, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years, 200 years down the road when you say, "Hey God, remember that time I _____________________ . I'm still feeling really guilty about it." He will say, "I don't know what you're talking about." Because he forgave you, let it go, and is just loving being in a relationship with you.

You are not guilty, hated, disgusting, awful, or any other word you want to use to fill in the blank.

You are loved and FORGIVEN!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lie # 2 - Unimportant

Lies of the enemy (aka satan):
1. Your input is unnecessary.
2. You're just taking up oxygen on this planet.
3. Go sit on the sidelines.
4. Don't call us. We'll call you.
5. What have you really accomplished with your life?
6. You don't really have anything good to offer anyone.

Like yesterday, I'm sure you and I can come up with many more that are not on the above list that feed into our belief that we are unimportant. Praise God that this too is a lie.

The truth says we are IMPORTANT!!

John 1:12 - But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

God gave you the right to be his child. He gave no other creature, plant, or any living being on this planet this gift. How special does it make you that you have the right to be his child?

Matthew 5:13 - You are the salt of the earth.
Matthew 5:14 - You are the light of the world. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden.

You are the vessel God chose through which to show His flavors and colors to the world. What a responsibility and an honor! God is so thoughtful in everything that he did not make this choice lightly.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

You are so important that God sent his Son to die for you even before you knew who he was.... thousands of years before you were born. He died for people who hated him. And while he did die for the whole world, he still would have given his life if you were the only one. That's how important you are to him.

God may be using the current struggles in your life as a way to refine you. While he did not cause your pain, He will definitely use your struggle to healing as a way to make you stronger, and place you an a unique position to help others who may be on the same path as you. Throughout the Bible, the men and women who were significantly used by God were wounded in some severe way. You may still be in the midst of your fire and dealing with open wounds. There are evil forces doing their best to propel our world into chaos and one of the most effective and easiest ways for them to do so is to convince you that you don't matter. But this is a lie.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Eight lies trauma survivors typically believe

I'm doing a Bible Study right now geared towards trauma survivors. It's not really geared towards survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but just trauma in general. This week's study is on eight lies that satan feeds everyone who's suffered a traumatic event and/or has a traumatic disorder. I found each of these to be so true in my case, I thought I'd take the next 8 days and post one a day. My Bible study also gives scriptures that refute satan's lies, so I'll share those as well. The more and more I grow and learn and study, I am learning that satan gets me most when I keep quiet about things and do not bring them to light.... especially if I think they are bad things about me. These are the times he can plant deep seeds that can grow and fester and keep us from realizing our true identity, potential, strength, and beauty.

Lie #1 - Disregarded

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are a nobody.
2. No one cares about you. Why should they?
3. No one wants to know you.
4. You don't deserve the respect that others get.
5. You are such a fraud.
6. Who do you think you are, anyway?

I can't speak for any of you, but I know I've told myself each of these at one point in my life and most multiple times plus others that aren't even on this list. PRAISE GOD that these are all lies though! They are small and easy ways for satan to manipulate us and living in a fallen world, he uses other people, coincidental circumstances, our own negative self-talk and anything else he can possibly use to increase our belief that any or all of these lies are actually truth.

God says something very different about us in His word though. God says we are

John 15:15 - I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, calls you his friend.

Hebrews 2:11 - So now Jesus and the ones He makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them His brothers and sisters.

Jesus Christ is not ashamed to call you his brother or sister.

Ephesians 1:4 - Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

You were known, loved, and chosen by God before the world was created!

Galatians 4:7 - Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir.
You are God's child and also His heir.


Check back tomorrow. I'll post Lie #2 and the truths to refute it.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

First time being pissed with hubby

Hubby and I are supposed to have a real date night tonight. We haven't had a real date night since we got married. I've been looking forward to it all week. He told me earlier in the week that he had to work a little bit today, which was fine. I needed to clean the house anyways. My family is coming for the day tomorrow. When he left this morning, he said he'd be home by 1pm. It's 5pm and he just called to say he's on his way home. I texted him a little after 3pm to ask him if I should be worried or mad at him that he hadn't even sent me a text to tell me he was going to be late. He responded sorry and that he'd call on his way home.

So, now he's coming home and I know he knows he's in the dog house, but I'm curious if he'll understand why. It's not that he had to work all day. It's that my time and my day isn't important enough to him for him to let me know his plans have changed. It's that date night might be off, and if it's not, I have to be the one to drop the bad mood or we'll both be miserable and it will be a waste of going out and money.

Glad to see I can be really pissed at him and know without a doubt we'll get past it and I'll get over it, but it really sucks right now. One thing I did learn is that when you do finally develop self-esteem, it's hard to lose.. LOL.... I think I feel pissed b/c I feel my time, my feelings, my thoughts deserve more than what hubby gave them today..... Jigga what?? I deserve more than what someone chooses to give me???

Huh, guess therapy's working after all.... ;)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Things I've learned this week

I've learned a lot internally in the past several days.

1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P

2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.

3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.

Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......

Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?

Friday, July 9, 2010


When you have horriffic nightmares every night for years, you are so sure you will never forget what those nights are like and what they do to you... At least that's how I felt. When my nightly nightmares stopped, I was thrilled but was confident I would always remember how horrible they are so I could be grateful for every good night up sleep I get now.

Well, I was totally wrong. I had horrible nightmares last night for the first time in a long time, and I am wiped today. I feel anxious and depressed. I can't stop thinking about my dreams last night. It's amazing how time can help you forget how awful something truly was. Feeling like this today does make it easier to remember why every day was sooooooooooo hard for soooooo long and I felt like I was NEVER going to get relief.

I know I am blessed now in that I typically don't have nightmares two nights in a row and b/c I don't have to be anywhere today so I can just be. But I hate feeling on the verge of tears, depressed and wanting to "justify, explain, argue" the things in my dreams last night. It feels rediculous. The dream was not a memory but a lot of the feelings resulting from the dream can be related to old memories and feelings. And who am I wanting to explain and defend myself to? No one saw the dream but me and it wasn't real.

I didn't get out of bed until noon today, and I know that's a recipie for disaster for me, but I was just so exhausted from the lack of peacful sleep from the night that i couldn't get up when my alarm clock went off. My felt like a lead weight and my eye lids were soooo heavy. So, I didn't fight it today and I gave in to trying to get a small amount of sleep. It did help me feel more rested but I don't think it helped the depression I'm feeling today. blah.

It doesn't help that I will feel guilty tonight from not doing anything today. I mean, I could at least get out and go to the grocery store but the thought of that makes me want to cry. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day. Why does doing what feels comforting when you're feeling bad lead to guilt that I should have done more today - at least the bare minimum?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Triggers verses Reminders

Therapist and I had a good conversation today about the differences between triggers and reminders. Sometimes I think my words confuse the two even though my feelings and my body know there is a drastic difference.


The conversation came up because I got triggered over the weekend. Married life is great and the sex part is actually pretty fun most of the time too. However, Sunday night we were at my parents' houseboat with all of the family for the 4th. The walls are paper thin and the water helps everything to echo too, so I informed hubby before we got there not to get any ideas b/c it was just going to be too hard to have sex in our room on the houseboat even with the door closed b/c of how easily sound travels. While he complied and was totally respectful, it didn't stop him from wanting to see what he/we could get away with that night in bed. He listened to me the minute I said stop, so I can't really fault him for that.

What triggered me was being in the dark, knowing there were others nearby, and feeling like I was doing something "wrong." The fear of getting "caught" or being heard coupled with the few small things hubby wanted to try and get away with was just too much. Since he stopped the minute I said so, I didn't explain anything else in the moment. I just needed to be. I needed to do damage control internally. I needed to separate past from present. I needed to remind myself how old I was, where I was and that this wasn't wrong. I spent most of the night nauseated but did manage to get a little bit of non flashback-y sleep. I felt decent the next morning, so I just let it go. I have no issue explaining things to hubby if I need to, but on the boat was not the time or the place.

Therapist and I were talking about the experience today b/c I was feeling frustrated that the 'minor' incidences from my childhood could still provoke such a reaction in me, especially when they're the images that just flash through my head periodically anyways. I guess she didn't realize how many times I see have a memory flash through my mind with my eyes open or how many daily life things remind me of something and momentarily put me back in that place. I can't blame her for not knowing. I don't really talk about it. It's just a normal part of life. The big thing that we put into words today is that those everyday things are more of "reminders." Something reminds me of a bad event, feeling, thought from the past but I don't have to re-feel all of it or re-live all of it. It's usually gone as quickly as it comes. And this is WAY different than the true trigger I experienced Sunday night.

Reminders, while not fun, are something every human experiences based on their different life experiences. Some things bring up happy memories, other things bring up painful ones. While I don't expect my reminders to go away, I do pray that new memories will be associated with some life things and I will have less negative reminders. I also pray that more triggers will enter into the reminder category where I can acknowledge something hurt and it was awful and then go on with my day without being caught up in the moment or having to do damage control inside.

A definite work in progress...

Holiday Celebrations

This 4th of July was the 3rd one that hubby and I have been in a relationship over, but the first one we've actually been able to spend together. July 4, 2008 he was in California training for deployment. July 4, 2009 he was in Afghanistan working hard so I and everyone else in the US could enjoy our 4th of July freedom. This year he was home and with me. We had a 4 day weekend and spent a couple of days at an amusement part and then a couple of days at the lake with my family.

Since meeting hubby and especially since his return from deployment all holidays seem to carry more weight. Hubby enjoys the holidays and the time off from work, but his mind is constantly thinking of those soldiers who are deployed and not at home to enjoy the holidays with their family. Patriotic holidays are the worst. They are a curse and a blessing for him right now (and for me too). On one hand, there is a much greater understanding of what American freedom means and how great the cost was and is, but on the other hand hubby struggles with guilt that he is here enjoying that freedom while others are constantly risking their lives overseas. Next 4th of July he will again be serving in Afghanistan (boo for me), and he is able to understand that this is his time home to rest and retrain. When he goes back over, the guys there now will have their time home to rest and get ready to go back. Everything he does at work now revolves around deploying again. He rarely has out of site out of mind moments (like most of us do) about the war that is still raging in the Middle East. In fact, the only times I ever see hubby tear up are when he's talking about deployed soldiers - during the toast at our wedding on Memorial Day weekend and talking to me during the fireworks show 4th of July night. He struggles not to get frustrated by how little people actually know and understand about what's going on. He gets that it's because so many are just no exposed to the war or much information about it on a regular basis, so he works hard to keep things in perspective and be gracious, but I know patriotic holidays are extra hard for him.

While I am now walking this road with him and I have a much greater and personal understanding of all the sacrifices and danger involved, I also realize I do not walk this road at the same level he does, and I'm working hard to be supportive and find ways that help him express whatever he feels without feeling judged or told to "get over it."

Thinking about this situation with him the past couple of days has gotten me thinking about how so many of us walk our own war and battles (either with memories or current dangerous situations) and most of society has no clue the toll it's taking on you or others you know who are fighting the same battle. If you're blessed, you have a spouse, family, or friends who do their best to understand and be supportive... and who may even get things to an extent as they walk through life with you, but no one can really understand it like you do, and those that come the closest to understanding are the ones who have walked or are walking the same battles.

In some ways I feel like hubby and I are both fighting "quieted" wars. His is sometimes in the media and uses weapons and explosives, but the majority of the world has no clue as to what things are really like. Only those I tell know about my war and it seems the overall war against fighting sexual abuse and assault is one that is pushed under the carpet too much b/c it's too heinous to think that people are actually that perverted and cruel. But I know my struggles, I see my friends' struggles and it is all very real.... Just as real as the war in the Middle East... and no matter how much the general population may want to ingore both, they are happening and affecting a larger number of people than I think anyone can imagine.

On a personal level, my prayers that hubby and I can continue to learn how to best support each other in our battles and also reach out to those in similar circumstances as us and offer support and encouragment as well.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

wall of ignorance down; 20 new walls up

I guess I got a bit of insight today in therapy. A lot of things are still fuzzy and unaswered, and I'm doing my best to not fill in the blanks b/c I tend to catastrophize when I do that, but it's hard not to.

Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.

Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.

I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.

With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.

See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.

I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.

But, one day at a time, right?

Monday, June 28, 2010

Not slowing down

I thought things would slow down after the wedding was over and I settled into a normal routine. So far that hasn't been the case. We got married a month ago yesterday and I'm starting my 3rd week back home in "normal life". I had hoped I'd have more time to blog, more time to catch up with friends, more time for hobbies, more time to focus on my internal world and thus use therapy time more "appropriately". Unfortunately, I don't seem to be doing any of this really well.

I'm not quite sure where the time goes. I do know that I'm not dissociating it away. I'm sure my lack of routine keeps me from being as efficient as I could be. I know that I'm sleeping alot more lately. I slept 12 hours last night. At this point, I'm not sure if my body needs the sleep or if I'm letting myself oversleep. I do know that on days I only get 8 hours or less of sleep I feel very groggy and want nothing more all day long than to be able to lie down and take a nap. Even now I wouldn't mind a nap, but I know I don't need the sleep.

Maybe it's being at home more often right now. I don't know. It's not like I don't have tons to do around here, so it's not because I'm bored. Maybe it's laziness.

Obviously, I'm completely not in touch with what's going on inside of me right now, but I'm not quite sure how to get there. When there's some sort of mini crisis going on inside, parts for sure let me know and we can deal with things. When there's not something pressing, asking inside is like asking an empty room. No response and it's so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I haven't been very concerned because I must say it makes life a bit easier right now only dealing with my stuff.

I guess I'm starting to feel gipped now though. I don't have access to all of me in regards to feelings, old memories, and I'm back to almost faking some things like I did before I ever knew I was DID but there were things I thought I should know and feel b/c it was "normal."

Sometimes I really can't tell when we're progressing and when we're reverting. I know we've made progress overall, but recently I can't help but wonder if the silence is more a way of keeping things peaceful and relatively easy moreso than b/c things internally are going that smoothly.

Is this progress calm or just the calm before the next storm? And how do you tell the difference?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

feelings without qualification

I talked with therapist this morning about my blog entries from last night. She hadn't read them, but I told her about them. One of the things I realized during our conversation is how hard it is for me to let myself have genuine feelings (whether they are justified or not) without qualifiying them.... especially if they are negative feelings or if my feelings are hurt or if I'm feeling angry.

To just say I'm hurt or I'm angry and leave it at that doesn't feel okay. For some reason, there is the need to qualify why I'm angry and to also always state that it might be unfounded or irrational. In essence, I'm sharing my feelings and undermining their validity at the same time.

But how do you just feel things if someone else does something that makes you mad or hurts your feelings and be okay with that when you've been in that other person's shoes before? When to some extent you understand what may have driven them to do what they did? It doesn't make it okay, but I guess having feelings of hurt or anger towards another person feels condemning to me. And how can I condemn someone of something I've done before?

Am I making any sense??

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

more hurt than I realized

I got a phone call from a good friend the Thursday before my wedding weekend. She had made plans to travel a great distance to come to my wedding. That evening she called me from a hospital to tell me she wouldn't make it to the wedding. She'd been admitted to the hospital and would be there for a few days then transferred to a Psych hospital. I didn't ask any more details than that. I didn't want to know more details. I was already in my hotel room in the destination city where we got married knee deep in wrapping gifts and doing some last minute wedding prep.

This friend has lots of struggles, is in a bad situation, and has a similar past to me. As a result, psych hospital visits and s*ic*de attempts aren't all that uncommon. I truly hate it for her that she is in so much pain all of the time, and while my situation is different than hers, I do understand the feeling of thinking and believing you can't live one more minute.

When I hung up the phone with friend, I was briefly ticked off b/c my assumption is that this was another attempt. I say assumption b/c I haven't talked to her to ask her for sure. I quickly had to push those feelings down and get back to wedding stuff and made up my mind that I would not let her incident keep me from enjoying my wedding weekend.

In all honesty, I really didn't give it another thought until today. Today was friend's birthday. It brought back up all of the feelings that I didn't "endulge" in during wedding weekend, and I found myself not even wanting to wish her a happy birthday b/c that would mean contact with her. I do care about her, and I really do wish her a happy birthday so I sent her a message.

I guess I have more anger around this issue than I've wanted to admit. It hurts that she couldn't wait 3 days to attempt. I know that sounds so selfish and so harsh of me. I also know I'm basing things off of my own experiences and not hers. While that is probably not fair to her, it's where I am right now. We managed to stay alive for 5 months strictly because of sister's wedding a few years ago. I don't/didn't mean enough to her for her to wait 3 more days to end her life? And what if she had succeeded? How could I have enjoyed my wedding day with the knowledge that a good friend who was supposed to be there supporting me was now dead?

It really does piss me off! Right or wrong it does. I don't want to be understanding of her situation and say it's okay and I understand how awful things are. I want to be mad and selfish and ask her why she couldn't pull her shit together enough to make it through one freaking weekend?

Wow, my crazy train really is taking a trip around the world tonight. (Read previous post for explanation).

air bubbles in a water cooler

So, you know what it looks like when those big air bubbles make their way from the bottom of office water coolers? It can be a big or small bubble, but it makes it's way all the way to the top of the water and sort of pops, then it's gone. Sometimes it's more than one bubble too, especially if someone is actively draining the water cooler.

This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.

I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.

Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?

And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?

If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.

Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.

In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.

I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.