Wednesday, June 16, 2010

more hurt than I realized

I got a phone call from a good friend the Thursday before my wedding weekend. She had made plans to travel a great distance to come to my wedding. That evening she called me from a hospital to tell me she wouldn't make it to the wedding. She'd been admitted to the hospital and would be there for a few days then transferred to a Psych hospital. I didn't ask any more details than that. I didn't want to know more details. I was already in my hotel room in the destination city where we got married knee deep in wrapping gifts and doing some last minute wedding prep.

This friend has lots of struggles, is in a bad situation, and has a similar past to me. As a result, psych hospital visits and s*ic*de attempts aren't all that uncommon. I truly hate it for her that she is in so much pain all of the time, and while my situation is different than hers, I do understand the feeling of thinking and believing you can't live one more minute.

When I hung up the phone with friend, I was briefly ticked off b/c my assumption is that this was another attempt. I say assumption b/c I haven't talked to her to ask her for sure. I quickly had to push those feelings down and get back to wedding stuff and made up my mind that I would not let her incident keep me from enjoying my wedding weekend.

In all honesty, I really didn't give it another thought until today. Today was friend's birthday. It brought back up all of the feelings that I didn't "endulge" in during wedding weekend, and I found myself not even wanting to wish her a happy birthday b/c that would mean contact with her. I do care about her, and I really do wish her a happy birthday so I sent her a message.

I guess I have more anger around this issue than I've wanted to admit. It hurts that she couldn't wait 3 days to attempt. I know that sounds so selfish and so harsh of me. I also know I'm basing things off of my own experiences and not hers. While that is probably not fair to her, it's where I am right now. We managed to stay alive for 5 months strictly because of sister's wedding a few years ago. I don't/didn't mean enough to her for her to wait 3 more days to end her life? And what if she had succeeded? How could I have enjoyed my wedding day with the knowledge that a good friend who was supposed to be there supporting me was now dead?

It really does piss me off! Right or wrong it does. I don't want to be understanding of her situation and say it's okay and I understand how awful things are. I want to be mad and selfish and ask her why she couldn't pull her shit together enough to make it through one freaking weekend?

Wow, my crazy train really is taking a trip around the world tonight. (Read previous post for explanation).

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