Hey everyone! I'm finally back! The wedding went off without a hitch and I am now happily married! Our honeymoon in Costa Rica was amazing, and I must say it was actually nice to not have internet or cell phone access for 10 days. Now that I'm back, I'm wondering how I functioned, but when I didn't have it, I didn't really miss it. Interesting, huh?
So, the question I would expect most of you to have if you've been reading my blog for awhile is: How did I survive my honeymoon and sex since I'd never had consensual sex before in my life???
Well, my husband was amazingly sweet and patient and did so many things to make me feel safe, that it actually wasn't that bad the first time - a bit painful, but I know that's to be expected. Most of our struggles came over the next couple of days. We stayed sore most of the next day, which was a trigger to always being sore as a child and the numerous bladder infections we suffered growing up. We texted therapist a couple of times before boarding the plane to Costa Rica, but we were on our own after that due to no cell or internet service for most of our vacation. That increased our anxiety. The other major factor was the realization that this was going to become an ongoing part of our relationship with husband that was not apart of our relationship over the past 2 years. There would be no more "playing with fire" without fear of having to go all of the way. The realization that sex was now going to be a part of our normal life was rather triggering and anxiety provking as well.
Thankfully, husband was around us all of the time and his presence continually reminded us that he is a safe person. He never forced us to do anything before we were "ready" (sometimes we kinda forced ourselves b/c we did want to make him happy), and if we told him not to do something b/c it was triggering he readily complied. He really helped us do a good job of seperating present, new, and good experiences, from the past, painful, and horrible ones. All of these things, plus our body getting used to sex and being less sore helped to make things manageable and sometimes even enjoyable. I think it was also really good for all of us to see how much time husband and I will still spend together and how many things we will still do together that don't involve sex at all.
I'm going to therapy for the first time tomorrow in almost 3 weeks (since before the wedding) and I feel like I'm walking in with a loaded gun of issues to drop a therapist's feet. I hope she's prepared!!!!! And I am so grateful that I have her to ask questions of and help me sort through all the mess that's circulating in my head and may not make much sense yet b/c I haven't talked to anyone about it. For some people I know 3 weeks probably don't seem that long, but when you've been meeting with your therapist twice a week for 4 years, going 3 weeks without sharing things with her - huge things - feels like mounds of information and I have no idea where to start. Guess it's good I get to talk to her twice this week. :)
Okay, back to unpacking, cleaning, and setting up home. It's nice to be back to my blog!