Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions

About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.

Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.

As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.

Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.

Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.

I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.

She Used to Appear So Big and Fierce

This post is sort of a follow-up to the last post in that it's an update of what took place after Monday's therapy session, but it also delves a little bit more into my DID world and into the history regarding the part I discussed in the last post that is struggling so much. To make it easier, I'm going to call this part "A.". That's the first letter of her name. I realize that giving you her name probably wouldn't give too much away, but my anonymity with this blog has always been important to me, and I want to treat her with that same respect until the time she decides she wants to share her name with anyone. So, thanks, and I hope this doesn't make this post too confusing.


Until very very recently, A. has always presented as larger, taller, stronger, and more fierce than any other part or any external person in our life. In all honesty, since we've met her she's appeared internally as large and as strong as the Jolly Green Giant - except she wasn't green. She's also appeared in adult form on the inside. I never knew her age b/c time doesn't mean much to her, but she spoke and talked as an adult and had quick wit. She towered over all of us and had the strength to take over the body at any point and do as she pleased. For many many years I was very afraid of her.

Over the past couple of years, it's continued to be like pulling teeth to get her to really share anything, but what I have learned has been invaluable. While she has mostly presented as a part whose goal has been to harm the body, in reality she is probably one of my strongest protectors. She was present for the worst of the abuse. She struggles the most with the mind games he played. She protected the rest of us from him during the worst moments. As we began to share about the abuse as an adult, she would lash out - hurting us emotionally and physically. I've come to realize though that in her mind, she was protecting us. He told her telling would mean that everyone would hate us... telling would mean we'd have to go live with him forever... Off and on throughout therapy she has presented at times to 'protect us' from lies he made her believe. This protection has always been brought about by fear, force, and injury to the body on her part up until I got married last May.

She sort of went silent around wedding time. She was so against the wedding and I was fearful that she would sabotage not only the event but my future with the man that I love. At the time I assumed she was so resistant b/c the thought of willingly having sex freaked her out. Now I know it runs much deeper than that. She's pretty much stayed silent the last 8 months. I would wonder about her, but I was loving feeling mostly good and being married, so I didn't take the time to look into it too much.

After husband deployed 3 weeks ago, I immediately started noticing an increased level of activity inside and a spike in my anxiety levels so extreme that I thought my heart my burst. Until Monday I was still in the fog about the exact reasons why. I knew it had to do with A., but I had no idea how or what bomb she was going to drop this time. Monday she told therapist that we were no longer safe. She told therapist that he was coming back to get us. A. told therapist that he told her multiple times while hurting her that she belonged to him. If we ever grew up and got married, we'd broken our covenant to him and he would come find us and make us pay. With hubby home for the past 8 months, this fear hadn't made it's way to the surface b/c we felt safe with hubby - almost like he was an external protector, and I think A. felt like he would protect us from the bad man if he did show up. Once hubby deployed, though, all bets were off. Hubby is gone for a long time. A. felt abandoned and wide open for an attack.

A. crumbled in fear and sadness in therapist's office on Monday, and even with therapist close by, A. never stopped shaking. It took the 2 hours to get A. out of freak out stage and to begin the process of trying to convince her that he will not be coming to get her or any of us b/c we got married. It's going to be a long road.

After therapist brought me back forward and got me stabilized enough, I drove home. It's about a 45 minute drive to my home from therapist's office, so I had a lot of time to think and talk to myself. I got a report from other parts that A. never made it back to her internal house (for as long as I've known her, she's been unwilling to share a house with any other parts) and there was a fragile girl around the age of 9 that no one recognized lying on the ground close to A's house. I let another adult part drive the car home safely, and I went to investigate. Looking closely, I realized it was A., but she barely resembled any other form I've ever seen her take. The eyes are really the main clue that gave away that it was her. She looked so frail and tired and she just lied there and quietly sobbed barely even acknowledging any of us.

I couldn't leave her there. Seeing her like that was breaking my heart in a way I've never felt before. I picked her up in my arms, and surprisingly she didn't resist. I took her to the large house where everyone else hangs out, and put her in an empty room with a comfy bed all her own. Since that time all she's done is sleep, cry, and stare at who knows what. She will briefly respond to you if you talk to her, but she won't converse.

How does the part that was the strongest, largest and fiercest go from that to one of the weakest and most fragile parts in the system? And wow! what a turn around! Guess we really are going to have our work cut out for us for awhile. My head is reeling from the internal shift, b/c even if she is fragile right now, she is still very strong emotionally and it's very hard to not get overpowered by her emotions and try to support her where she is right now.

Wow. This post got way longer than I meant for it to. I'll stop here for now and pick up again in a bit.

Ask Me How I Know...

Amy Grant released the song 'Ask Me How I Know' in 1991 on her Heart In Motion CD. For a few of different reasons this song has been going through my head almost constantly for the past several days. First of all, in 1991, Amy Grant was my most favorite singer on the planet. I knew all of her songs by heart. I'd seen her in concert and had an autographed picture framed and on my bedroom wall. Secondly, the first time I heard this song, it struck me in a funny way. I had blocked all memory of my childhood abuse at this point, but I still found myself strangely drawn to and repulsed by the lyrics in this song at the same time. They struck a painful chord inside of me that I wouldn't understand for about 6 more years. In the past several days, this song has been playing through my head b/c more painful feelings and memories have surfaced again and these lyrics seem to fit oh so well. Below is the first part of the song:


I see her as a little girl hiding in her room
She takes another bath and she sprays her momma's perfume
To try to wipe away the scent he left behind
But it haunts her mind.

You see she's his little rag, nothing more than just a waif
And he's mopping up his need, she is tired and afraid
Maybe she'll find a way through these awful years to disappear.

Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask me if I think there's a God up in the heavens
I see no mercy and no one down here's naming names
Nobody's naming names.


Having DID can be quite interesting at times. While I have made so much progress in therapy and in my healing, other parts inside of me stay buried deep most of the time and are stuck either in the past or still in the place of hopeless despair that I found myself in 3 years ago. On Monday, therapist talked to one of these parts. Our session turned into a 2 hour session of stopping flashbacks, quieting old tapes and messages, and trying to help this part begin to get some sort of footing in the present. While my faith in God is strong and runs deep, somehow she has not been blessed to know God or His healing grace yet. The first part of Amy Grant's song really reminds me of where she is right now. She wonders where was God? She wonders where was anyone? Why did no one tell and no one save her?

This part cried harder than I'd ever seen her cry before. She actually grieved her pain and what has happened to her in front of therapist. While it has been incredibly taxing on me and the entire system, it's kinda cool that she is finally opening up to someone about what she really thinks and feels after 12 years of therapy. It's very hard to sit with her feelings of anxiety, vulnerability, sadness, etc., but I'm doing my best to be okay in this space. I can't expect her to catch up on the past 21 years of my/our life in 3 days or develop a solid faith in God that fast to provide her with peace. I definitely feel the resiliency from other parts and myself who have found differing levels of healing, and that is a HUGE help. However, this is still wickedly painful, and while I truly believe this is worth it, I think we're going to have a long slow road going forward for a bit.... but praise God I'm at least moving forward, right??

The 2nd half of Amy Grant's song basically shares this same thought. The girl in the song is not fully healed. She still struggles with fear and mistrust, but God is bringing her healing. God is giving her a new life. The life she never got to have as a child.... and while it's a tough road, it's a pretty, stinkin' awesome one.

Now she's looking in the mirror at a lovely woman face
No more frightened little girl, like she's gone without a trace
Still she leaves the light burning in the hall
It's hard to sleep at all.

Still she crawls up in her bed acting quiet as a mouse
Deep inside she's listening for a creaking in the house
But noone's left to harm her, she's finally safe and sound
There's a peace she's found.

Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heaven
Where did He go in the middle of her shame?
Ask her how she knows there's a God up in the heavens
She said His mercy is bringing her life again.

Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Where did He go in the middle of her shame
(Where did He go?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
She said his mercy is bringing her life again
She's coming to life again.

He's in the middle of her pain
In the middle of her shame
Mercy brings life
He's in the middle
Mercy in the middle.

So ask me how I know
Ask me how I know, yeah
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heaven
(How do you know?)
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens
(How do you know?)
Yeah, ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
Ask me
Ask me
Ask me how I know
(How do you know?)
There's a God up in the heavens
Ask me how I know there's a God up in the heavens.

This is the video on Youtube if you'd like to hear the song.

Triggers verses Reminders

Therapist and I had a good conversation today about the differences between triggers and reminders. Sometimes I think my words confuse the two even though my feelings and my body know there is a drastic difference.

POSSIBLE TRIGGER: Talk of Sex








The conversation came up because I got triggered over the weekend. Married life is great and the sex part is actually pretty fun most of the time too. However, Sunday night we were at my parents' houseboat with all of the family for the 4th. The walls are paper thin and the water helps everything to echo too, so I informed hubby before we got there not to get any ideas b/c it was just going to be too hard to have sex in our room on the houseboat even with the door closed b/c of how easily sound travels. While he complied and was totally respectful, it didn't stop him from wanting to see what he/we could get away with that night in bed. He listened to me the minute I said stop, so I can't really fault him for that.

What triggered me was being in the dark, knowing there were others nearby, and feeling like I was doing something "wrong." The fear of getting "caught" or being heard coupled with the few small things hubby wanted to try and get away with was just too much. Since he stopped the minute I said so, I didn't explain anything else in the moment. I just needed to be. I needed to do damage control internally. I needed to separate past from present. I needed to remind myself how old I was, where I was and that this wasn't wrong. I spent most of the night nauseated but did manage to get a little bit of non flashback-y sleep. I felt decent the next morning, so I just let it go. I have no issue explaining things to hubby if I need to, but on the boat was not the time or the place.

Therapist and I were talking about the experience today b/c I was feeling frustrated that the 'minor' incidences from my childhood could still provoke such a reaction in me, especially when they're the images that just flash through my head periodically anyways. I guess she didn't realize how many times I see have a memory flash through my mind with my eyes open or how many daily life things remind me of something and momentarily put me back in that place. I can't blame her for not knowing. I don't really talk about it. It's just a normal part of life. The big thing that we put into words today is that those everyday things are more of "reminders." Something reminds me of a bad event, feeling, thought from the past but I don't have to re-feel all of it or re-live all of it. It's usually gone as quickly as it comes. And this is WAY different than the true trigger I experienced Sunday night.

Reminders, while not fun, are something every human experiences based on their different life experiences. Some things bring up happy memories, other things bring up painful ones. While I don't expect my reminders to go away, I do pray that new memories will be associated with some life things and I will have less negative reminders. I also pray that more triggers will enter into the reminder category where I can acknowledge something hurt and it was awful and then go on with my day without being caught up in the moment or having to do damage control inside.

A definite work in progress...

wall of ignorance down; 20 new walls up

I guess I got a bit of insight today in therapy. A lot of things are still fuzzy and unaswered, and I'm doing my best to not fill in the blanks b/c I tend to catastrophize when I do that, but it's hard not to.

Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.

Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.

I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.

With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.

See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.

I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.

But, one day at a time, right?

Clear as Mud

Yep. That's about how clear everthing feels in my head right now. Before I proceed, I should probably preface this entry with

*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
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Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.

Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.

I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.

Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.

So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.

Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.

Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.

Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".

This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.

Even now

Tonight is a frustrating night for me. Not because there's anything going on that I can't handle, but it's the fact that I am. If you are like me, I tend to feel particularly guilty when I'm feeling sad or depressed and I am acutely aware of all of my blessings at the same time. Tonight, I sit here feeling like I'm wallowing in sadness, depression, and self-pity but all I have to do is turn on the TV and see all of the hurting people in Haiti who have lost loved ones, homes, are injured. My first reaction is guilt and a question "Why can't I get over myself?"

My second reaction to tonight is wondering why I'm feeling this sad and this down. Today was just a normal day. Nothing bad happened today. In fact, a co-worker who I've been getting closer to lately and I had a great conversation today. I told her some about my past and she mentioned having a really good friend who was DID. I was feeling so comfortable with her that I told her I was DID as well. She responded great. Thought it was pretty cool. And we both gave the glory to God for not only surviving as a child and having the "gift" of DID but that he has brought me to the place I am now that is not fully healed, but is a place where I can work as a therapist myself and I can get married and I can be normal in most situations.

I sort of wonder if this at least part of the reason for the feelings tonight, but that doesn't make sense to me. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who is not DID and not my therapist who still understood. Also, being as she's a young PhD, it was nice to give her the heads up of things that will help and hurt her and her clients should she ever decide to work with the DID population. Maybe save her from making the same mistakes Dr. Morris did with me right out of her doctoral program.

Maybe the feelings are due to rainy weather the past couple of days. Maybe some of it is that I was going to have to drive myself onto Post tonight to go to Bible Study. For those of you who have never been on a military post. If you don't have a car sticker, you have to get a temporary pass, which is sort of a pain. After obtaining that, I was going to be driving around the post in the dark trying to find this one specific chapel. Normally, I ride with fiancee there, but he was going with some men to walk through barracks and try and recruit others to come to Bible Study. This is totally not cool for me, but then I think my convenience should not be the priority here. If Fiancee and the men with him get one new person to come to Bible Study, then that should be what's important. But I just couldn't bring myself to drive myself across town, get the gate pass and track down the chapel tonight.

We're under a severe thunderstorm warning tonight, so I used that as my excuse to fiancee as to why I would not be meeting him at Bible Study. He called and volunteered to come pick me up so I wouldn't have to drive. Of course, I couldn't let him do that. Then he wouldn't get to go through the barracks and recruit. Of course, he was so sweet and said that he didn't mind. He asked if everything else was okay. I just told him I didn't want to get out tonight. Why didn't I tell him that I don't want to go to Bible Study tonight b/c I feel so bad? I drive in watches and warnings all the time. That was just a convenient excuse. Why didn't I tell him that I'm feeling sad and down? Didn't I just post yesterday about my desire to be honest and open with him? Wasn't that a great time for me to prove it?

Maybe it's b/c I don't really know why I feel this way tonight, and I find it so hard to explain that to someone when I can't tell them why I feel the way I feel. All I know is I haven't felt this sad or this low in months, and it's awful!!!! All I can do is sit here and cry and freakin' blog. Don't even feel like I can call anyone on the phone.

I feel like such an idiot right now.

Fiance came with me to therapy

I can't say the session went how I hoped or anticipated, but I am happy to report that I believe it went well, and I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The original plan was to help fiancee gain a good understanding of PTSD as it relates to childhood abuse and help him understand the need for me to still be in therapy. If all that went well and there was time, we were going to begin to broach the whole DID thing.

I'm not sure how well we succeeded in him really understanding PTSD. I'm not sure you can unless you're someone who has it or a therapist who works with it on a daily basis. However, he did seem to get a better grasp of why I still need therapy. Fiancee met me after my last hospitalization, after I was no longer struggling with self-injury and after all of my suicidal ideations has passed. He hasn't seen me in a true struggle and he doesn't understand where I've come from to understand that while we have made tons of progress, we still have a ways to go. I think we were able to at least help him understand a little about why therapy is still necessary and reassure him that I'm not going to stay in therapy for the rest of my life just to be in therapy. I did tell him that I would not put myself on a "healing timeline" and that I couldn't tell him when I wouldn't need/want therapy anymore. That was a decision therapist and I would make together at the appropriate time.

Since he didn't feel the need to ask any questions and had very few comments, I decided to plug on. I laid the groundwork for explaining DID by telling him how my mind was compartmentalized as a child as means of functioning through the abuse. Different compartments in my mind hold thoughts or memories or feelings and they are accessed at different times and are of different levels of intensity and that the eventual goal is for the seperation to not be so great but more fluid. I didn't go as far as to tell him these "compartments" have names and vary in age and have their own thoughts and opinions. We didn't want to freak the poor guy out. This was the first time he'd ever been in a therapist's office.

I also made it clear to him (since he kept saying he was only coming b/c I asked him to) that my goal in him coming was to make sure he knew I was making my best efforts to not have any secrets from him before our marriage. Obviously, we won't know everything about each other before marriage, but I never wanted him to feel or say that I was not the genuine me with him before marriage or I didn't give him the opportunity to talk about or ask about anything from my past that he wanted to before we said "I do."

He didn't skip a beat in saying he understood and that he appreciated what I was doing. At the same time, he didn't ask a single question or really make any statements of his own. So, not exactly what I expected, but I feel I fulfilled my "duty to warn" him before our wedding, so I'm feeling a huge weight is gone.

After we left therapy he wanted to go to Men's Warehouse and pick out his tux for the wedding, so we did. I guess this means I can happily report that we're still getting married and while he doesn't understand everything now, he's willing to deal with and try to understand things as they come up.

We'll see...

Good Talk

Fiancee and I had a really good talk yesterday afternoon after I got my nice vent out here on my blog. I was able to figure out what I really wanted from him and how I wanted to say it. The conversation went really well, and while he was aware of some things, he really was clueless about some of the things that had been hurting my feelings. Hopefully he also understands now that I need periodic reassurance that he is still happy he chose me and he wants to marry me over continuing to be a bachelor. I don't want to take him away from his friends totally, but I needed to know we were on the same page as far as what our engagement meant to each of us and how we see things after we're married.

We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.

I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.

It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.

Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.

Text Message

I received a text message this evening from my crazy ex-roommate. I went back through blog entries b/c I was going to link to the blog that explained about crazy roommate for those who are newer to reading my blog and realized I started this blog right after I moved out of her house, so she never made a blog entry. So before I explain tonight's text, I need to give a little background.

I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.

Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.

In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.

The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.

At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.

Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.

In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.

All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!

One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.

For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.

First Client With an Ab*se History - TW

I made it about 9 weeks into my job as a counselor dealing with about everything under the sun with my clients except abuse issues. Today I met with a sweet girl for the second time and she revealed that she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her father for most of her life. She presented to me originally with signs of depression and trouble focusing on school work. After much discussion and probing as to why this is the first semester she's struggled with these issues in college, she shared that she's in her mental health rotation for her nursing degree and finds a lot of the topics hit really close to home. In other words, her classes this semester are constantly triggering the mess out of her. She's spent the past 4 years since she left home stuffing emotions and as many memories as she could. As many of you know, that works well for awhile, but eventually the walls come crashing down and you feel as though you whole world is falling apart.

On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.

On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?

Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.

I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.

I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.

Therapy break is over

Good or bad, we got back into therapy full-swing on Friday. We're not really doing memory work at the moment, but I switched probably 4 times during the session and all of the parts were younger and crying and really looking for comfort from therapist. We are so blessed that our move wasn't so far that we can't make the hour drive to still see her in person once a week. Parts are having a really hard time adjusting to us being in her office once a week even though we still have sessions twice a week.... Friday we reconnected with therapist and I believe parts were reassured that she's not going anywhere and I didn't move us away from her.

I see lots of stuff that's been on hold for the past 6 weeks coming to the front in the next few weeks. I know this is good b/c all the work we do leads to progress, but I can't help but be slightly sad about facing more struggles. I know they are all past struggles that have been held internally by parts for so many years, but to me, they are mostly new.

I didn't take over being forward all of the time until after the abuse ended. It's like I'm learning everything and experiencing it all for the first time. Is it crazy to think that parts of me are stronger than I am? I don't know how they survived what they did, and the more I learn the more I understand why some parts wish they didn't.

Reconciling this world with my past world is sooooooooooooo hard. I don't often let myself have 'pity parties'. I can't see how they do much good. Tonight I just feel like whining though. Tomorrow we'll probably pick things back up and carry on. One more day, one more memory, one more fight. We are doing really well for us, and I am so grateful! We're doing things in our life that 18 months ago seemed impossible. It's amazing. So, why am I still wondering if this will ever end? and will we ever run out of new memories to process or new triggers to uncover? We've made so much progress. Why can't I be happy with that tonight?

Grr. I'm frustrating myself. Think I'm just going to go to bed.

checking in

Just wanted to say hi! Getting settled in with school and a new job took up a lot of my time last week and was away from my computer this weekend.

I went to my 10 year High School reunion this weekend. It was actually a lot better than I thought it would be. I was forward the whole time b/c no one else inside remembers anyone from high school. Parts began re-emerging my last semester of high school and over the summer before beginning college. It was weird to be back somewhere that was all about me. Parts still had comments about people from my past, but I actually just got to have my memories for a night. It was pretty cool. It was fun seeing some old friends I hadn't seen in 10 years too.

I spent the rest of the weekend at the lake. I got slightly sunburnt, but it was totally worth it!

While back in my hometown, I drove by my old house. I don't know why I had this compulsion. I think it's only the 2nd time I've been there since my parents moved out 6 years ago. Usually I avoid going by there at all cost. My abuser lived in the house next door, and that's where all of the abuse that I know of took place. It was weird driving by. The old neighborhood looks so different than the way we remember it from our childhood. The owners of the houses don't take as good care of them. My house and abuser's house are both overgrown with trees and plants. Someone bought the small lot between our houses. My parents owned that when we were growing up. It was just a wooded lot and I had a path carved through the "woods" to get to abuser's house.... not so much to see him, but to play with his son who was my age, and his son used the path to walk over to my house to play. Now that wooded lot is a 2 story house with a fence, and a grassy front yard. It was pretty surreal. No one was with me, so I just kept driving and got on with my day. So many different thoughts and feelings seeing the old place looking so different. We should probably process this at some point, but feel numb to it now, and think that's probably a really good place to stay since it's bedtime.

Holiday weekend is over, so I need to get ready for the work week again. Night all!

rough therapy session

So I got up the nerve to ask therapist to read the blog entry about Thursday night's bed wetting incident. It felt easier to us for her to already know the incident rather than have to try to tell her. At the same time, this meant that, of course, today's session focused on the incident, the triggers, and the memories behind it.

Wow! I totally got the wind knocked out of me by today's session. I had no clue about who had felt triggered, what the trigger was or any idea about the memories associated with it when I showed up for the session. Within the first five minutes a nine year old part was forward in tears apologizing and explaining how it was an automatic reaction to certain physical sensations and feelings. Apparently the dream we were having that night triggered her and her extreme fear triggered the physical response of wetting the bed.

With some coaxing, therapist was able to have the younger part share the memories related to this trigger response. Knowing the story behind the response, it does make perfect sense, and it explains other incidences throughout my life (not all wetting the bed) that I've never been able to understand why we responded the way we did..... and especially why I responded a certain way to something I thought I had no experience with. It's so weird. They're new memories to me and need to be processed, but they make pieces of my life make more sense. Memories like these are relieving b/c they fill in gaps and sooooooo painful because they continue to solidify our past, in addition to just being painful to look at, think about, and process.

Among all of us, I think our tears ran almost solid for about 4 hours tonight. It's been awhile since we've cried that hard and that long about something. I so wished my fiance' was around tonight so he could comfort me and make me feel safe, but at the same time I was so glad he was far away and couldn't see me like that. As much progress as we're making in self-esteem and trusting him, there's still a fear that the first time he really sees us struggling (even if it's just for a few hours), he's going to change his mind. Those that know me in real life, say this is an unfounded fear. I don't think I'll be able to shake it until I see how he really does respond, but at the same time I don't want to see it on the chance it's not what I want/need.

And this loops back into the ever present struggle of whether it's better to deal with things on your own knowing you can look people in the eyes b/c they don't know your dark secrets, or reaching out for help and support and risking being let down and/or embarrassed. I am learning that talking and not doing things alone really is easier and better, and that I don't give the people in my life enough credit for what they are capable of handling. At the same time, there's always that feeling that the next issue may be the one to push them over the edge.

I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling now. I really do use this blog like my personal journal rather than thinking about what I'm going to write and posting it in a succinct and to the point manner. *Sigh.* Bedtime.

Half-birthday

So yesterday was an insightful day for me. I had a few mini revelations that I was looking forward to blogging about, but the day got away from me and then I was too exhausted to blog. I assumed I could just blog about it today. Not going to be the case. Having a really crappy day and those positive revelations from yesterday don't mean much right now.

If my title confused some of you, let me explain. Tomorrow is my half-birthday. I was born Dec. 4, so June 4 is my half-birthday. Make sense? Most of you may think this is very odd and never even thought about it before. Well, when I was a child my mother always celebrated my real birthday with just family because it was so close to Christmas and because we could never do anything outdoors. So, in order for me to get to celebrate my birthday with my friends and be able to have things like swimming pool parties, she started celebrating my 1/2 birthday with my friends. It seemed easier for kids to come because school was out and probably easier for my mom to plan since she was a teacher and off in the summers. I have a few actual good memories related to my 1/2 birthday, but overall this is a very bad day for me.

I was generally not around my abuser on my actual birthday b/c my family kept me busy, but my 1/2 birthday was different. I was home all day b/c it was summer and the parties usually only lasted a couple of hours. He chose this time to give me my "birthday present" each year. It makes me so sick to my stomach to think about that I don't think I can even go into details yet. Maybe when we're more removed from the situation. More than anything it was just such a confusing time.... being showered with gifts, told we were pretty, told we were loved, all the while being physically and sexually abused. Usually there was always something "new" for us to do on my 1/2 birthday as well. Something always worse, more painful, or more disgusting.

How do you reconcile one person playing both sides of the coin (you're beautiful/you're trash, I love you/you deserve to die, etc.) for so long at such a young age? It makes it to easy to understand why my self image is so screwed up. It's not completely horrible, but it is by no means good and can go back and forth on any given day.

For example: I got my hair cut last night. The girl that cuts my hair is putting a portfolio together b/c she wants to move out to LA and work. She asked if she could do my hair and have photos taken b/c she loves my hair. I thought okay. Then she proceeded to tell me that a professional would do my make up and someone else was going to take the pictures (so, these aren't just going to be pics of the back of my head). My photos will be used in all 3 people's portfolios. My hair stylist then goes on and on about how I should really look into going into modeling. Obviously, I think she's crazy, but I must say it was a confusing yet nice boost to my self esteem. Someone thinks I'm pretty........ Felt pretty good about myself yesterday.

Today I feel like crap. Sub-human. Not entitled to anything and feeling like I should profusely thank anyone who shows me any type of genuine kindness today. I want to crawl in a hole and disappear. And why is this starting today???? Usually it's just a day of thing. This year I'm going to get to sit with all these memories and flashbacks for at least two days. Lucky me!

Sh*t. I swear, everytime it feels like I'm really getting solid in a good place, something makes the whole ground shake and even if my whole world doesn't fall apart, any self-confidence I may have built up goes down the drain. Can I just disappear for a couple of days?

Triggers

Triggers.... Do you ever overcome all of them? Are new ones always going to pop up? Will they always touch such a deep pain?

I had planned to go with some friends to Kentucky this weekend to help with clean-up from the horrible ice storms they had about a month ago. I found out last night my former roommate is going, so I'm not going anymore. We have a lot of mutual friends, so I see her a lot, but I avoid small group situations. I can't remember if I've written about my former roommate. Everything with her would be multiple other posts, and I may in the future, but for now I'll leave it at that she is very manipulative, self-absorbed, and incredibly triggering to parts inside. We were strong enough to recognize it was a bad situation and move out, but a lot of damage was still done - and I think to an extent I'm just now realizing how much.

So today I was struggling with being frustrated for backing out on a trip I wanted to go on b/c I was freaking out inside about this weekend. I knew a roadtrip in the same car with her would surely result in me being triggered and having a meltdown. At the same time I was feeling really guilty today about backing out of my commitment to help these people who need help.

Therapist and I talked about this in session today. I am amazed at how much I can still forget and in a relatively short period of time. Therapist reminded me how roommate was a huge trigger for Angel, and how serious things were right before I moved out. I remember that now, but I had forgotten. I've only lived in my new place for 2 months. How do I forget something that major so quickly? This realization allowed us to trace back what about former roommate's words and behaviors triggered past memories, and even though it doesn't make anything any easier, it at least helps with the guilt and makes it easier to just accept the feelings as they are and accept ourselves where we are. There's a reason for the feelings and fears again. They are no longer meaningless and an overreacting to a current situation.

Even though I'm feeling less anxious and less guilty, I'm still feeling depressed. I wonder if parts of my life are always going to be dictated by my past. Are there always going to be things I can't handle, can't do, overreact to? Can I ever be in the present without associating most situations to something in the past? When does being strong and able to stop a current negative situation have enough power to not trigger old, scared feelings? When does making positive steps in your present life start to take away the power of childhood experiences when you had no control? Will that ever happen? Or will I learn how to protect us now while always feeling vulnerable and scared inside?

I don't even feel safe with myself tonight. Nothing feels safe, but my mind knows we are very safe. What the mind knows doesn't matter right now though. I've got to find plans for this weekend. New roommate is out of town and good friends in town are going on the KY trip. Being alone all weekend is not a smart idea. Even if we are able to stay safe, I think we will mentally and emotionally struggle a lot if I don't find an external distraction that is also low stress.

Starting to feel little. Think I'm going to stop right here. Afraid my ability to make sense is about to leave.