Good or bad, we got back into therapy full-swing on Friday. We're not really doing memory work at the moment, but I switched probably 4 times during the session and all of the parts were younger and crying and really looking for comfort from therapist. We are so blessed that our move wasn't so far that we can't make the hour drive to still see her in person once a week. Parts are having a really hard time adjusting to us being in her office once a week even though we still have sessions twice a week.... Friday we reconnected with therapist and I believe parts were reassured that she's not going anywhere and I didn't move us away from her.
I see lots of stuff that's been on hold for the past 6 weeks coming to the front in the next few weeks. I know this is good b/c all the work we do leads to progress, but I can't help but be slightly sad about facing more struggles. I know they are all past struggles that have been held internally by parts for so many years, but to me, they are mostly new.
I didn't take over being forward all of the time until after the abuse ended. It's like I'm learning everything and experiencing it all for the first time. Is it crazy to think that parts of me are stronger than I am? I don't know how they survived what they did, and the more I learn the more I understand why some parts wish they didn't.
Reconciling this world with my past world is sooooooooooooo hard. I don't often let myself have 'pity parties'. I can't see how they do much good. Tonight I just feel like whining though. Tomorrow we'll probably pick things back up and carry on. One more day, one more memory, one more fight. We are doing really well for us, and I am so grateful! We're doing things in our life that 18 months ago seemed impossible. It's amazing. So, why am I still wondering if this will ever end? and will we ever run out of new memories to process or new triggers to uncover? We've made so much progress. Why can't I be happy with that tonight?
Grr. I'm frustrating myself. Think I'm just going to go to bed.
Every bit of progress build you up towards becoming whole. All the sadness, all the anger is stored up inside of you, and there isn't room for all the things you want in there - the joy, the laughter, the hope....
ReplyDeleteGood luck on your continued journey.