Monday, September 21, 2009

You think I haven't thought of that?

Fiance' will be home from Afghanistan in about 2 1/2 months. We are so excited that his year of deployment is almost over!!! On the other hand, his coming home means we're finally going to have the time and the setting to tell him I am actually a "we". I truly believe he can handle it or I wouldn't have agreed to marry him without making sure he knew first. Timing has just not been as I'd hoped as far as sharing my past and internal world with his deployment, but I know I want to marry him, so there was NO WAY I was saying "no" when he asked me to marry him.

Anyways, with him coming soon, family and close friends seem to feel the need to weigh in on what I need to tell him, when I need to tell him, and how I need to tell him about my "secret life." I know they're just trying to be helpful but this just flies all over me!!!!! First of all, I haven't been living a secret around him. I/we've just been us. The only thing we haven't done is distinguish ourselves and make sure he calls each of us by our respective names. Second, I've been thinking about how I would tell the man I marry about what life is like as a multiple since I realized I was one. Third, therapist and I have been working for over a year on how we would specifically tell fiance' when the time was right, and we've really been focusing on what, how, when, etc. since we got engaged.

Also, I know it's a big thing to tell someone, but does it really have to be a big deal? Everyone acts like I'm about to drop a huge bomb on him. Is my perception wrong because I don't see it that way? Am I trying to downplay my symptoms and what living with DID is like b/c I am afraid I might scare him off? Why is having a coping skill that saved our lives seem like such a bad thing to those around me. I'm still the same person I've always been, just as genuine as I've always been with him. How does filling him in on how my mind works have to equal a huge ordeal that requires tons of input from people, even when I'm not asking for their opinion?

Maybe we are playing this down. The fact that we refer to ourselves in the plural tense alone may be enough to freak someone out. I don't know. I just know that I wish everyone would stay out of it unless I ask for their opinion. I don't think I can run through any more different scenarios or come up with any more different ways to present things. I've been and will continue to play different scenarios of this conversation(s) in my head until they actually take place sometime in January.

I asked for some advice from a very wise person about 10 days ago and he really gave me some good advice and lots of peace about my decision. Since then, family and friends have decided to chime in again (are they afraid I'm going to forget fiance' and I need to have this talk before we're married?) and remind me how I don't need to do anything to make fiance' think I'm deceiving him by not telling him everything.... how important trust is in a relationship.. I'm getting a lecture on the importance of trust in a relationship??????? What in the world????? Anyways, now I'm second guessing things again and wondering if the way we've decided to tell him is the right way. Is there even a right way? And the anxiety returns. At least for a few short days, I felt confident in my ability to talk to him and was feeling nothing but excitement about him coming home so we could start the rest of our lives together.

I'll talk to therapist on Wednesday. Maybe she can help me regain some of that peace and excitement instead of dread that I'm going to disappoint or scare off the person I love more than anyone else on the planet.

I think times like these are what trigger posts like yesterday.... feelings that where I am still isn't enough progress or far enough and difficulty feeling content with where I am despite being able to see the immense amount of progress I've made over the past 2 years. I'm still not good enough or sane enough or whatever enough to just be accepted as I am where I am by anyone other than therapist.

God please help me to see myself the way you see me and the way I believe fiance' sees me and not the way satan is telling me I should be seen or the way I believe others to perceive me.

1 comment:

  1. Trust your instincts. When you see him, you will know what is right for you.