Feeling Alone in a Sea of People who Care

Looking at my life it makes no sense. I am so loved by family, friends (near and far), and by a God greater than I can even comprehend. I have a therapist that has never failed me and will never abandon me as long as she has say so. I have an amazing husband who goes out of his way to show his love for me even while he is in a war zone on the other side of the world. Yet here I sit.... feeling so alone. It's a feeling that has been growing over the past couple of weeks. I can tell you the things that are making me feel more lonely than usual. Maybe it would be helpful to put it all out there. However I'm feeling a little gun shy from even my anonymous blog right now. See, I tried to talk to my mother today, and I tried to talk to a dear friend who I've known since I was 6. Both conversations were failures. Mom didn't seem to understand why things were so upsetting, and my friend didn't see the importance of making the time for me and ended our conversation a bit abruptly while I was mid-sentence. Another part of it could be that I still need to work on choosing better words to express what I'm trying to share. I know that is lacking, but today was the first time I've tried to vocalize any of this.

I just want to talk to someone and share my struggles and not feel judged... No one flat out condemned me today, but I feel like sharing my true feelings wasn't okay either. I was being corrected... asked why I was feeling that way... told how to make things better... And as much as I'd even like to vaguely address the issues weighing heavy on my heart, at this point I'm wondering if I am making a big deal out of nothing... I've considered myself a huge proponent recently about the importance of not keeping things inside and to oneself. When it's inside of you and no one else knows about it, satan can grab hold and pull you down with those issues. There's no one who is able to help you reality check and see things in true light. But what do you do when you feel shot down and invalidated when you finally share? Even if the comments family and friends made turn out to be truths, how do I get the guts to keep talking about things to be able to process things? When you feel shot down by the people you trust the most, who do you turn to? And what about when there are other people that you trust and you know love you that may have compassion but you feel aren't in a space or don't know enough to be able really talk things out with you? I want someone to talk this stuff out with me. I don't want someone to just listen.

My mind is telling my feelings that God hears. God understands. God will deliver. I do believe this. I truly do. But oh how I'd love someone who I can touch, hear, smell, see, etc. to be available to talk with me and not judge me. So tonight, despite knowing I am loved and cared for, I feel utterly alone, and I'm scared to reach out again.

This is Tough

So, I'm still here. The past 4 days have been tough. Moving A. into a room in the common area has allowed us to take better care of her, but her emotions are so painful and so intense, it's really taking a toll on everyone inside. Externally I'm still functioning and participating in life rather well. Internally, the anxiety and sadness is almost overwhelming. I'm able to still reality check well, and that's been invaluable this week b/c nowhere feels safe anymore. Everywhere feels too exposed - even therapist's office, which has always been a safe haven.

Saw therapist today. We spent a lot of our session talking about where I feel I am and how I can continue to cope okay externally while allowing A. and other parts to do the work they need to do in order to heal. I was pleased that I could tell therapist that I feel I'm still doing better than just surviving from session to session. However, I do have to admit that I'm not really 'living life' right now either. It's somewhere between the two. I'm okay being here now knowing that it's temporary. There is fear that if the feelings last too long at this intensity, we will fall into the state of just surviving. However, at therapist's suggestion, we're not going to worry about that right now. Right now things are still manageable, so that's what we're going to focus on.

The time between sessions just feels really hard when I'm at a place where the therapeutic work needing to be done isn't really something I should attempt on my own or outside of a session. We're dedicated to helping A. through this process, but I so don't want my life to return to a place of revolving around therapy again - even temporarily.

I'm also working on coming up with an adjective to describe the state I'm in. Words seem to escape me. Therapist won't let me use the term 'crazy' unless I'm 100% joking. I know I'm not really crazy, but many times I feel that way still, so I can't use that word. Irrational doesn't do the situation justice, so I can't use that word either. Therapist said I'm in a 'traumatic state'... My symptoms are classic PTSD. Maybe so, but that's not an easy term to say to other people. "Don't mind me right now. I'm in a traumatic state." LOL! Soooo much easier to just say I'm crazy for right now.....

The last thing therapist and I talked about today was how I can fill hubby in on what's going on. I don't want to keep him in the dark, but I don't want him to worry about me while he's deployed. We never get to talk long enough or have a clear enough signal for this type of conversation. I don't want him to miss something I say and get confused or overly concerned. So, we've settled on sending him an e-mail to get all of the information to him, and we'll hopefully be able to follow up with phone calls and Skyping so he can see that I am okay and that while things may be rough, I'm still progressing.

I wish so badly husband was here to walk this with me. How ironic that this latest set of work was triggered by him leaving... Going to work on that e-mail over the next couple of days. I want to do my best to keep him in the loop and have him share in this with me without freaking him out or making him feel guilty for leaving. He is such a blessing to me. He's always loved me as I am, and I want nothing more than to continue to share the 'scary' parts of my life with him. The love that husband shows me, even I think he should think I'm crazy and he should run away is a gift I never thought I'd have. Sometimes I think I cherish it so much, that I do get afraid I'm going to still run him off... So, I will spend forever crafting this e-mail to make sure it portrays the real issues, but in a way that will make sense to him and still highlighting all of the positives.

For now though, we need sleep. More to come.

Lie # 7 - Unlovable

Lies of the enemy:
1. Who would ever love you?
2. You're so ugly and boring.
3. You are beyond being loved, by God, by your family, or by anyone.
4. You really have no redeeming qualities.
5. If people knew the real you, they'd hate you.

This lie is something I struggled with even after husband proposed to me. I've always had such a fear that if anyone got to know the "real me", there is no way they could love me. I questioned him all the time to make sure he didn't feel I was somehow "tricking" him into marry me. I've felt this way with most relationships in my life. I think it's why I work overtime to be "likable" to everyone. Time and time again husband, therapist, and a few friends have proven to me that they still love me even in my most 'unlovable' moments.

If humans are capable of such unconditional love, how much more does our heavenly Father love us no matter what???

Your true identity: LOVABLE

Romans 8:38,39 - For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


These two verses list 10 things that CANNOT separate us from the love God has for us. Reading over this list it reminds me of the no loop holes safety contracts I used to have to make when I was greatly struggling with self-injury. Except in this case, it's a no loop holes God loves us unconditionally and forever.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Romans 5:8 - But God shows His great love for us in this way: Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

There are a few people on this planet that I love deeply enough I would gladly lay down my life for them and a few others that I would lay my life down for (maybe just not as gladly ;) ). I honestly don't know that I would lay my life down for a stranger, someone who treated me horribly, or someone who wasn't even born yet. But this is exactly what Jesus did. He loved each of us so much, he chose to die for our sins despite us not existing yet, despite the sins we as humans will naturally commit, and whether or not we choose to accept him. He loves us so much that he died for us whether we choose to love him back or not.

Zephaniah 3:17 - For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will give you victory. He will rejoice over you with great gladness; He will love you and not accuse you. Is that a joyous choir I hear? No, it is the Lord Himself exulting over you in happy song.

Again, numerous things in this verse that the Lord does out of love for us: live among us, give us victory, rejoice over us, love us, not accuse us, exult over us.

I know I will never fully grasp it, but understanding God's unconditional love and how great it is, gives me the warm feeling inside that sometimes I try so hard to get from other people. I think letting God's love fill me more will feel a need I look for in others in ways that others could never provide.

This is not to say the love of others is not incredibly important and vital to happy living, but God's love is unfailing. Even the person on this planet who loves you the most will fail you from time to time. Seeking a higher love to be my main love, helps me to keep this world into perspective and pay attention to what really matters.

bottom line: YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY AS YOU ARE FOREVER!!!!

Almost a week

I didn't mean for almost a week to go by before I blogged again. It's not like it's been an uneventful week. For some reason, I just haven't made the time to blog. A couple of times it was because after I talked to friends and therapist, I felt too exhausted to rehash everything in a blog entry. It was very beneficial for me to get immediate feedback, but not so good for blogging purpose, because now everything will just be an abbreviated version, almost more like a documentation.

Most of my ups and downs this week revolve around fiance. I guess that's not too surprising to some of you. That would be "normal" everyday issues that most people deal with in any significant relationship in their lives.

On Friday, fiance was the greatest man alive. On Sunday, I wanted to kick him to the curb. By Tuesday, we were back to us - or as close to us as we have been since he returned from Afghanistan. I am very much learning it is going to take a lot longer than the month the military said it would take fiance to readjust to life here and to readjust to having a significant female in his life again. This is not so cool ever, but especially when you and parts inside still struggle so much internally with self-esteem issues. Thankfully we have therapist, good friends, and an ever improving fiance to make up for the times fiance is a total jerk.

Friday, fiance volunteered to give me money I wanted to give a friend who was in need of help. He has never met my friend face to face, but because he could tell how important it was to me, he gave me the money and told me to tell my friend it was a gift and she didn't have to worry about paying it back..... He's generous and I love that!

Sunday night he basically told me there's tons of stuff he wants to do, and so he's only going to hang out with me on Tuesdays and then Sunday evenings b/c of church and he didn't want me to plan any trips for the weekends b/c he wanted that time free to do what he wanted to do. He's struggling to share his life with me again and selfishness of his time. While he didn't have much free time when he was deployed, he could spend that time however he wanted and didn't have to be concerned with anyone else's feelings. He was around men 24/7 and is not only having to learn how to interact with a woman again but is having to learn how to go back to us being a "we" and that he's not just a "he" anymore. We're a team. After lots of tears on my part and confusion on his part, we sort of reached a stalemate.

I spent lots of time on Monday in prayer and consulted a couple of friends who I know have been in similar situations. They helped validate my feelings and also helped remind me of what a huge adjustment he's going through and while my expectations are not wrong, I need to have more patience. I don't think he's able to meet them all right now (even though he used to be able to), and if I ask too much too soon, I may inadvertantly push him farther away. With this in mind, I've institutde an unconditional love, increased patience approach. The hope is that he will see I really am in this for the long haul and in time, he'll begin to return the more attentive man I fell in love with. At the same time, I'm not going to let him walk all over me or not continue to make him aware when he uses insensitive words. He can still learn how to recommunicate without me holding a grudge.

I think both of us are going to fail miserably at this from time to time. I will get my feelings hurt "too easy" in his mind and he will be "incredibly insensitive" in my mind. The best thing I can say about this though is that even though we've had our struggles since he's been home, neither one of us are having second thoughts about getting married... We're just going through a few bumps... and better to learn this stuff about each other before we say 'I do' rather than being suprised after the fact.

Anyways, all that to say, we still have a ways to go in learning each other again and finding ways to communicate better again, but it's nice to feel solid in our relationship tonight.

I tell you one thing, back when I was completely consumed and overwhelmed by not "normal people issues", I had no idea how hard and challenging just normal people issues can be. I sure am learning a lot these days!!!!

1 Year Together

Seems like I've been recognizing a lot of anniversaries lately, but today's is one I'm particularly happy about. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year today and are still going strong! In fact, things are going better than I ever dreamed they would. We're starting to talk marriage and rather than freaking out about, the topic really excites me.

Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.

Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)

He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.

One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)

I love my boyfriend and my therapist!

Probably a really weird title, but it's the truth. Both of them saved me from panic attacks today. Boyfriend's been in Afghanistan for almost 4 months, and while we talk a lot, I didn't realize how much not getting to see his body language and feel his touch would affect me. I'm trying to make future plans, and I want him to be included in those. Over the past few days I'd become fearful that maybe he wasn't still planning to include me in his future plans. (He had not done anything to make me feel this way or given any indication that he loved me any less - this was just an insecurity on my part.) I sent him an e-mail asking him if he could call me on the phone this weekend. He responded and said he would call tonight.

I tried to get my thoughts together today about what I needed from him, what I wanted to share with him, all the different things/scenarios I'm thinking about. The more I thought about it, the more came into my head. I wrote it all out, but that only served to make me think about it more and bring up more questions. Looking at everything I was potentially considering telling him and asking him started to freak me out b/c I became afraid that I would overwhelm him or scare him and ruin the best thing in my life right now. I was looking for a little clarification and so many of my thoughts and fears where coming forward that it turned into more of wanting to share things or ask for things that I don't really need to right now.

I called my therapist at 3:45pm today hoping to leave a message to see if she had time to talk on the phone before my talk with boyfriend tonight. To my delight she answered her phone and had 45 minutes until her next client. My work is close to her office, so I asked if I could come by and talk to her in person, she allowed me to. It helped me to be able to show her all the craziness I'd written out and tell at least one person everything that was running through my head knowing I wouldn't freak her out. She then helped me sort through all the craziness and figure out what I really needed/wanted right now and what didn't really matter. She also helped me find the right words, expressions, and phrases to say what I want to say in a good way. She says I'm a fast learner, but I took notes while we were talking, so I had her words right there in front of me when I was on the phone with boyfriend. :)

Talk with boyfriend went great tonight! I stayed with the few topics therapist and I said were most important to know for now. I used words that didn't portray I was looking for anything specific, i.e. a lifelong commitment, but was still able to convey how much I really do love him and care about him. I knew it deep down, but it was really nice to hear him say the same back to me. He's much better at showing me than telling me, which is fine when he's in the States, but doesn't work so well when he's in Afghanistan. And the best part... we're still thinking along the same lines for our future...... marriage one day. Neither of us are rushing that, but we both want it. That makes me so excited!!!!!!!!! How can this awesome guy after 10 months still consider me marriage material and say he cares about me more and more everyday? I am so blessed!!!!

Anyways, what started off as an anxiety-filled, obsessive thinking day, is ending with lots of good feelings, peace, love for my boyfriend, and an ever increasing level of gratitude for my therapist.

Love?

Myboyfriend sent me a Valentine's Day card from Afghanistan. Because of the distance, I just got it today. He's sent me two cards and had flowers delivered to my house in the 2 1/2 months that he's been gone. He is such a blessing in my life. I love him with all of my heart and would marry him tomorrow if he asked. My struggle is that he appears to feel the same way about me, yet that seems impossible. No one should ever have so many good feelings towards me. It will make more sense when I tell you what he wrote in the card. There is reference to Biblical scripture. Some readers may be offended or not agree with it, but it is very important in our relationship, so it will be included in this post.

His words inside the card:

A wise man once told me that someone should not need a hallmark holiday to express his/her feelings for that special someone, but should do it regularly and randomly. I would agree, but didn't want you to feel left out when I am on the other side of the world. :)
1 Peter 3:3-5 "Your beauty should not come form outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."
I am continually reminded and thank the Lord that He has blessed me with both. You are and have been an answer to my prayers. I love you!

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Can that really be true about me/us? Can someone really, geniunely feel that way and not be expecting anything in return? I don't deserve that kind of love and unconditional acceptance from another human, but he continues to give it. I do not ask him for it. It never crossed my mind that someone would want to give that to me. It's an amazing feeling but very hard to reconcile at the same time. He knows the basics of my past, and he's okay with it. He doesn't know about us being DID. That might change his mind? Right? This has got to be too good to be true. No way something this good and this wonderful can be happening to me...

Can someone pinch me?