Sunday, August 22, 2010

Hubby's coming home today!!

Just wanted to write a quick post to say hi and that I'm hanging in there. Insurance is still up in the air about covering T, but I'm choosing to be thankful that it's still up in the air. Last week, I thought the book was closed on the topic of insurance paying, but now there's a slight chance again we can work things out. *Fingers crossed!!!*

Hubby's coming home from a month long training today! I'm so excited!! I've missed him so much!!! But that might mean it's a few days before I get to blog again. I want to spend time with him to make up for the past month and with both of us working right now, my blog might take a hit for a week or so. Once we're back into a routine, I hope to start blogging again. I find I miss it when I don't blog for awhile, but lately finding a time to blog has been challenging as well.

Anyways, I'm around. Plugging along, and making myself still work towards more complete healing. Thanks for keeping up with me. It really means more than I can say!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

First impressions

First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.

This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.

How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.

This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)

Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.

So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.

Stuff like this just gets me thinking....

Monday, August 16, 2010

Circles in my Head

The past few days I feel like my head keeps getting caught in this circular thinking that results in a rollercoaster of emotions riding through my stomach and streaming down my face. Nothing that horrible has happened, yet at moments I feel like my life has come to a stop and the world is ending.

I recognize that these are triggered feelings based on current frustrating events. In therapy on Friday and today, I was able to talk about what I was feeling and identify what about the situation felt so triggering. It all makes sense, but understanding why doesn't make me feel any better.

As of Friday, my insurance denied to pay for my therapy. Therapist is 45 minutes too far South so she is considered out of network. There is still more than one option to work out ways I can continue to see therapist and it be affordable, so the majority of my feelings don't revolve around fear of losing therapist. My feelings start by being ticked at insurance company because they won't pay for something I need and deserve. Then I get pissed at Him for hurting us in the first place and getting away scott-free while we spend thousands of dollars in therapy to try to get our life back. Then I get pissed at husband b/c his job has had him away for 3 weeks and he'll be away for another week, and I've had virtually no contact with him, so I can't talk to him about this, my feelings, finances, etc. Then I get pissed that I still need therapy and is it even worth all of the hassle? Then I'm pissed at the whole world including myself. All of this leaves me wanting to crawl under a rock and never come out... to lie down and quit trying...

Then I calm down. I realize this issue with insurance is not the end of the world. I step back and look at how many good things I still have in my life and how blessed I am. I think about how I've walked through much harder things and come out just fine. I remember that God is in control and while he never promised me an easy road on this planet, He did promise me that I will overcome because of Him. I am convicted that lying down and giving up at this point is not an option. I've come too far and I still have further to go. So, I pick myself up. Go to my internship. Have dinner with friends and live. I'm currently sitting with a low level of depression and a deep level of sadness all of the time, but it is not debilitating.

Then, one little thing happens and the overwhelming feelings and thoughts start up again, everything blows up again, and I'm back to wishing I could go to sleep forever. I stick it out, calm down, think clearly again and get productive for a bit.

This is my cycle the past few days (minus the weekend when I just dissociated and contained all of this b/c you can't do anything about insurance over the weekend). I don't know how many more days this will be my cycle. It totally sucks!!!!! But I am sooooooooooo thankful I am cycling and not just staying in the difficult place.

This too shall pass. I just gotta keep myself from doing anything irrational during the rough spots and make my big decisions during times when I'm in the space to make big decisions responsibly.

Healing is a bear....

Friday, August 6, 2010


Well, I'm finally starting to get over this cold. Whew! 100 degree temperatures and starting my internship this week is not a good combination when your body decides to get a cold. I'm physically exhausted this afternoon, but feeling much more emotionally stable than yesterday.

I thought once I got on to husband's insurance, things would be a lot easier in getting sessions approved to see therapist and I could stop paying out of pocket to see her. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, I have an unlimited amount of sessions (which is cool) but they don't want to pay for me to see therapist b/c even though she takes my insurance she's technically out of network b/c I'm considered in the North network and she's considered to be in the South network. Her office is 40 miles from where I live. There is NO DID/PTSD therapist closer than that. Plus, I don't know any details, but I know therapist sees other clients who have my exact insurance so I know they can make this approval for me.

Normally, I'm used to the insurance run around, and I'm up for the challenge, but yesterday I was just over it. I was tired of fighting them, tired of my drama, and spent most of my session telling therapist while she should be tired of me too. Thankfully this was just my overreacting and irrationality and she is not tired of me and found it ridiculous that I would even suggest such.

In all honesty, I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the realization of how much I still need therapy and still need therapist. Many days I'm functioning well and even find myself wondering if I still need to see therapist twice a week and if I'm using the time wisely. I am aware and still acknowledge all of the progress we've made to move out of crisis/stabilization stage into a real working/healing life productive stage. But I guess sometimes I want to think this stage means I need less help or it will be less difficult. In reality, it's just difficult in a different way. 99% of the time it's a very manageable place to be in, but then I still have days like yesterday where it feels like the whole world is ending, and I can't do things one more day. The positive side is that typically I can sleep off the "world is ending" feeling and pick up and go on with life the next day. That's a HUGE difference and positive step forward that we've taken.

Healing is still baby steps.... I just gotta remember that to keep frustration levels down.

On a very positive note. I got to hear from husband today for the first time in 4 days!! Only 2 1/2 more weeks and he'll be home again. I never knew I could miss him this much. I'm going to consider that a very good thing that I am missing him. :)

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Just wanted to say that I'm around. Went out of town over the weekend and didn't have internet service. Now I have a cold, so I'm not up to writing much. Therapy's been pretty tough this past week, but I am pleased that we're hanging in there rather well so far. Hopefully I'll continue to be pleasantly surprised in this department.

My internship for school starts up in a couple of days, so I'm using the engergy I do have right now to get things ready for that and finish up other things I've been needing to work on for awhile.

We've survived one week of husband being gone. Only 3 more to go!!! Thankfully, a dear friend is coming in town this weekend and staying with me for a whole week! I know she says it's b/c she needs a vacation from her life (I totally believe her), but I don't know that she knows what a huge blessing it will be to me to just not be alone for a week. Plus, it's gonna be awesome getting to spend time with her!!

Okay. Time for lunch, more cold medicine, and back to work.