This is the second part of the last post. I broke it into two parts b/c I was afraid it was getting too long.
Continuing...
In the winter of 2008, I hit rock bottom. Everything I had tried to rescue my life and my future seemed to fail. I'd spent 10 years in therapy, 3 years totally devoted to therapy, and I was still in and out of hospitals and no more closer having the life I wanted than when I started.
I have to give credit to the changes that took place in the winter/spring of 2008 to God. Sure, I worked my tail off, but the changes for me happened when I quit trying how to figure out how to make things better myself and I turned the 'how' over to Him. In the past 3 years, I've manged to make some good progress in therapy and do things I never thought possible in my life. I got a full-time job and did great there. I met an amazing man, fell in love, got married, and am actually in a healthy relationship. I went back to school and got a 2nd graduate degree and enjoyed going to school.
I've needed to deal with some more serious therapeutic work the past few months as new events in life have awakened new triggers, memories, feelings, etc. I so wanted to be done with the space in my life where my past makes my present difficult. I wanted to get back into the train of thought that you can knock out this type of therapy and then just go on with your life like nothing ever happened for the rest of your life. What I am learning is that I now believe this type of therapy may be a life long work. Different phases in life will present with new blessing and new challenges and new triggers. If I fully wait to live my life until I get everything fixed, I'll be dead from old age before I can start living. On the flip side, I've learned the hard way how things just continue and continue to deteriorate if I try to just live life and not take my past and perceptions into account in my present day life.
The past couple of weeks I've been thinking back over the last almost 13 years of therapy and life.... I believe I've learned that there are times in my life when I will need to slow down, cut back, be more internally focused. However, this does not mean for years on end. At other times, my past won't be as pervasive in my present. In these life periods, it's great for me to do the things I want to do and desire to do with my life. I can do both life and therapy as long as I'm smart about it and recognize the signs.
The reason getting married and going back to school went so well and are not considered distractions from dealing with my past are b/c I wasn't running from anything at that time. It was a great time in life for these experiences. I'm even more fully aware of this because of the challenges and struggles I'm facing right now. Going to school right now or starting a family with my husband right now would be distractions to not have to work through the painful issues that have recently presented in therapy. It doesn't mean I will never have a family or get my PhD. It means not now, and I'm learning that listening to my body and to God on when to focus on what means a healthier life for me all the way around.
At times I feel I can't catch up in life for getting behind. My younger (and only) sister is pregnant. I'm thrilled for her, but I sometimes get hit with waves of jealousy. I'm 3 1/2 years older than her. I was supposed to get married first, have the first grandchild, etc. All of my friends are having their 2nd kids, are established in their careers... doing all of the 'normal' life stuff.
In these moments, I have to take a step back. I have to remember that the only timetable I have to be on is my own.. not society's. I'm getting better and better about learning to actually live my life and not survive it. It may not look how I thought my life would look at 30, but it is way better than I really dreamt it would be. My life is good. There are so major internal struggles right now. Lately, the days have felt almost impossible. Yet, I know this is a season and in the right time, my husband and I will enjoy a family, and I can have the job I've always wanted, and fulfill any other dreams I have in my life. For now, I need to focus on the current therapeutic issues enough to get back to a place where my current, external life holds more meaning again.
I know these last two posts have been long, but I guess I've just been thinking that if I've needed to hear this message so much lately, maybe others out there have too. So my big take away from all that I've written is: It is possible to have the life you want and to do the therapeutic work you may need throughout your life. They don't have to be mutually exclusive. You'll just have to learn the balance that works for you.
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ramblings. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Update
So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
A little shakey
Can't place my finger on what's going on inside of me, but I know I'm feeling a little shaky. It's almost like being on an emotional roller coaster ride again, but it's not quite as intense and it seems to be affecting me more than just emotionally.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
One minute I am doing well. Another I am in tears. And another I'm almost literally shaking and questioning myself on everything. And then I'll get back to a place where everything feels like it's going pretty well and I'm doing pretty good again. The rapid changes and unpredictability are getting old quickly. I'm just feeling unstable even though I don't know exactly why and it's hard to explain.
I know there's some stuff going on inside that's creating an undercurrent of these feelings, but I believe the intensity is rising. Today in therapy I was talking to therapist, and she asked me a few different times how I really was doing. I kept saying okay b/c at the time I felt a lot better than I did when we talked on Monday and b/c I don't even have the words to explain well what I feel and what's going on. I did wonder why therapist kept asking me. I'm not used to her doing that. I guess b/c I usually fear that if I don't find a way to come right out and tell her everything I'm thinking and feeling, then she'll never know anything is going on. On some level I'm sure this is very true. However, I guess, working together for the past 5 years gives her a window into me than many others can't see. She could tell from my eyes today that there was more stuff going on than what I was sharing, and she actually put words to some of it better than I'd been able to.
I am so glad to know that I don't have to do any of this alone. I have a therapist right there to help me through this, and I have a loving God who is with me 24/7 reminding me that even when I feel utterly unstable, He is forever stable and I rest in His arms. That's a hope and peace I plan to do my best to cling to during a time period when I feel very unstable.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions
About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Slowing Down and Relaxing
Hey everyone! I'm still here. It's my Spring Break, and I've really been taking time to slow things down a bit. I've used the past few days to catch up on things I'd been putting off and to rest. I've also not delved into too much internally. Everyone and every thing's still there, but I've allowed myself some time to recuperate. There is much work to be done, but I am learning the importance of downtime and not always barreling ahead into the next task/issue to overcome.
It's okay to rest and I don't have to go out of town to do so. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. In the house I grew up in, downtime was wasting time. You could lie down if you were sleeping or if you were sick. Otherwise, there were things to do and resting for 'no good reason' was wasting the day. While I believe in being a hard worker and being productive, I am learning that downtime is just as important. I think many times I apply this same "go, go, go" attitude to my therapeutic work. As long as there's work to be done, I shouldn't be resting. I can rest when it's all done. This approach to therapy does NOT work. It runs me into the ground. I become overwhelmed and exhausted.
I wish I could explain why I always feel I'm on a time crunch with therapy. Things will be worked through in good time. Healing will come. Yet somehow, if it's not on the time frame I feel it should be on, I naturally assume that I'm not working hard enough on healing myself. Sometimes I really wonder where I get these crazy ideas.
My life is good. I have so many blessings. I really am okay with where I am in my life right now. What am I trying to rush through? Where am I trying to get? Sure, I'd like to get through these most recent struggles and memories, but why am I racing with myself to do so?
Anyways, I'm trying to use this break as a chance to just let myself rest. If things need to be discussed in therapy, we'll discuss them. However, a break in my job doesn't mean that I have to amp up the therapy work just because I have the time. I'll post again soon. Until then, just know that I'm here, trying to rest and not be so hard on myself.
It's okay to rest and I don't have to go out of town to do so. This is such a hard concept for me to grasp. In the house I grew up in, downtime was wasting time. You could lie down if you were sleeping or if you were sick. Otherwise, there were things to do and resting for 'no good reason' was wasting the day. While I believe in being a hard worker and being productive, I am learning that downtime is just as important. I think many times I apply this same "go, go, go" attitude to my therapeutic work. As long as there's work to be done, I shouldn't be resting. I can rest when it's all done. This approach to therapy does NOT work. It runs me into the ground. I become overwhelmed and exhausted.
I wish I could explain why I always feel I'm on a time crunch with therapy. Things will be worked through in good time. Healing will come. Yet somehow, if it's not on the time frame I feel it should be on, I naturally assume that I'm not working hard enough on healing myself. Sometimes I really wonder where I get these crazy ideas.
My life is good. I have so many blessings. I really am okay with where I am in my life right now. What am I trying to rush through? Where am I trying to get? Sure, I'd like to get through these most recent struggles and memories, but why am I racing with myself to do so?
Anyways, I'm trying to use this break as a chance to just let myself rest. If things need to be discussed in therapy, we'll discuss them. However, a break in my job doesn't mean that I have to amp up the therapy work just because I have the time. I'll post again soon. Until then, just know that I'm here, trying to rest and not be so hard on myself.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Frustrated with myself
So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Trusting the Future
I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Still breathing
This past week has been one for the birds!! If it could go wrong, it has gone wrong. God is faithful and He is meeting all my needs. But I am emotionally drained, physically tired, and just want my husband home. I want life to slow down, I want a time-out. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to deal with the stupid management company. I want to call my therapist and continue to process this week. But I just talked to her this morning.. Besides, it's way too late to call her for a non-crisis situation. I just feel crappy. I need a vacation.
I need sleep. I should go to bed.
I need sleep. I should go to bed.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Living in the Gray
Living in the Gray.... This has become our new norm (which is good but very uncomfortable). We no longer live in constant crises state where self-injury is the norm and the goal is just to survive the day. We no longer feel our insides constantly screaming with pain. BUT things are not all better. We are not completely free from our past. We still hold pain inside. Sometimes it's severe and scary and other times it's rather mild. And some days we actually just feel good.
This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?
In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.
It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.
In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.
I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...
Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)
This vascilating place from good to severe and mostly bouncing around somewhere inbetween does NOT fit into our typical black and white thinking. There is PTSD and there is better. That's it! Now, as soon as I read what I just typed I know how rediculous it sounds. Of course there's an inbetween! And lots of steps and places inbetween. And how does one even define what "better" really looks like or feels like?
In a different way, living in this gray of being a "work in progress" is just as challenging as living in constant crisis. It's not a life-threatening place, so my mind tells me it should be less difficult, but my emotions and the struggles that come tell me differently.
It is so AWESOME to not loathe every day of life anymore and to actually enjoy participating in life. I don't regret the place we've come to at all. I guess I just didn't anticipate the gray between crisis and better to be so vast! Right now I feel like I'm living in two worlds simultaneously. My internal world that is growing and healing but still full of many unhealed and untouched hurts and my external world with a husband, friends, school, job hunting, and other responsibilities. Some days it feels things flow pretty smoothly and other days I feel like I'm riding some cosmic roller coaster ride where it's an accomplishment just to hang on all day.
In addition, I'm finding it very difficult to distinguish what are normal life ups and downs that are to be expected and what are trauma/DID related issues that may need extra attention or processing.
I'm sure most of this boils down to the fact that I'm thinking too much and trying to figure out more than I have to have figured out. But I guess having DID, I've spent most of my life trying to figure things out to just stay on top of things. Forget getting ahead...
Can I hope I'm just trying harder than I have to these days? ;)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
First impressions
First impressions are an interesting thing. I like to think my first impression of people is right most of the time and people's first impression about me is as well. Occasionally I am reminded of how important it is that first impressions not be final judgments.
This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.
How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.
This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)
Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.
So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.
Stuff like this just gets me thinking....
This time I was on the opposite side. A current supervisor told me today that when he met me last Spring, he didn't like me very much. His impression of me was that I was a know-it-all and who acted like I didn't have anything to learn. On the contrary, I remember those first few days feeling very incompetent and unqualified, forced into a situation where I was asked to do a job without training b/c they all assumed I knew what I was doing. I felt like I had to fight to get them to understand I needed training. A master's degree in a similar field doesn't mean I know how to do a job with a different population.
How curious that his impression of me was that I was a know-it-all when I felt I knew nothing and my first impression of him was a supervisor who didn't care to teach me and just wanted me to do his work for him to keep me out of his way.
This go round, I feel I know more about what I'm doing and the best way to handle situations and he is now a great supervisor and is teaching me so much. I think we might even be friends. ;)
Most of today all I could focus on what the negative impression he had of me at first and I was so disappointed in myself for portraying that. As I've spent time thinking about it this evening, I've realized that because of my degrees they had expectations of me before I walked through the door and there's a very good possibility Hannah went to my practicum for me that first week due to how insecure I felt about starting the practicum.
So very thankful that in this situation, the first impression wasn't the lasting impression and both supervisor and I have given each other the chance to recognize that we're both pretty cool people with the same goals.
Stuff like this just gets me thinking....
Friday, August 6, 2010
Recovering
Well, I'm finally starting to get over this cold. Whew! 100 degree temperatures and starting my internship this week is not a good combination when your body decides to get a cold. I'm physically exhausted this afternoon, but feeling much more emotionally stable than yesterday.
I thought once I got on to husband's insurance, things would be a lot easier in getting sessions approved to see therapist and I could stop paying out of pocket to see her. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, I have an unlimited amount of sessions (which is cool) but they don't want to pay for me to see therapist b/c even though she takes my insurance she's technically out of network b/c I'm considered in the North network and she's considered to be in the South network. Her office is 40 miles from where I live. There is NO DID/PTSD therapist closer than that. Plus, I don't know any details, but I know therapist sees other clients who have my exact insurance so I know they can make this approval for me.
Normally, I'm used to the insurance run around, and I'm up for the challenge, but yesterday I was just over it. I was tired of fighting them, tired of my drama, and spent most of my session telling therapist while she should be tired of me too. Thankfully this was just my overreacting and irrationality and she is not tired of me and found it ridiculous that I would even suggest such.
In all honesty, I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the realization of how much I still need therapy and still need therapist. Many days I'm functioning well and even find myself wondering if I still need to see therapist twice a week and if I'm using the time wisely. I am aware and still acknowledge all of the progress we've made to move out of crisis/stabilization stage into a real working/healing life productive stage. But I guess sometimes I want to think this stage means I need less help or it will be less difficult. In reality, it's just difficult in a different way. 99% of the time it's a very manageable place to be in, but then I still have days like yesterday where it feels like the whole world is ending, and I can't do things one more day. The positive side is that typically I can sleep off the "world is ending" feeling and pick up and go on with life the next day. That's a HUGE difference and positive step forward that we've taken.
Healing is still baby steps.... I just gotta remember that to keep frustration levels down.
On a very positive note. I got to hear from husband today for the first time in 4 days!! Only 2 1/2 more weeks and he'll be home again. I never knew I could miss him this much. I'm going to consider that a very good thing that I am missing him. :)
I thought once I got on to husband's insurance, things would be a lot easier in getting sessions approved to see therapist and I could stop paying out of pocket to see her. Boy, was I wrong! Apparently, I have an unlimited amount of sessions (which is cool) but they don't want to pay for me to see therapist b/c even though she takes my insurance she's technically out of network b/c I'm considered in the North network and she's considered to be in the South network. Her office is 40 miles from where I live. There is NO DID/PTSD therapist closer than that. Plus, I don't know any details, but I know therapist sees other clients who have my exact insurance so I know they can make this approval for me.
Normally, I'm used to the insurance run around, and I'm up for the challenge, but yesterday I was just over it. I was tired of fighting them, tired of my drama, and spent most of my session telling therapist while she should be tired of me too. Thankfully this was just my overreacting and irrationality and she is not tired of me and found it ridiculous that I would even suggest such.
In all honesty, I think the thing that hit me the hardest was the realization of how much I still need therapy and still need therapist. Many days I'm functioning well and even find myself wondering if I still need to see therapist twice a week and if I'm using the time wisely. I am aware and still acknowledge all of the progress we've made to move out of crisis/stabilization stage into a real working/healing life productive stage. But I guess sometimes I want to think this stage means I need less help or it will be less difficult. In reality, it's just difficult in a different way. 99% of the time it's a very manageable place to be in, but then I still have days like yesterday where it feels like the whole world is ending, and I can't do things one more day. The positive side is that typically I can sleep off the "world is ending" feeling and pick up and go on with life the next day. That's a HUGE difference and positive step forward that we've taken.
Healing is still baby steps.... I just gotta remember that to keep frustration levels down.
On a very positive note. I got to hear from husband today for the first time in 4 days!! Only 2 1/2 more weeks and he'll be home again. I never knew I could miss him this much. I'm going to consider that a very good thing that I am missing him. :)
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Around
Just wanted to say that I'm around. Went out of town over the weekend and didn't have internet service. Now I have a cold, so I'm not up to writing much. Therapy's been pretty tough this past week, but I am pleased that we're hanging in there rather well so far. Hopefully I'll continue to be pleasantly surprised in this department.
My internship for school starts up in a couple of days, so I'm using the engergy I do have right now to get things ready for that and finish up other things I've been needing to work on for awhile.
We've survived one week of husband being gone. Only 3 more to go!!! Thankfully, a dear friend is coming in town this weekend and staying with me for a whole week! I know she says it's b/c she needs a vacation from her life (I totally believe her), but I don't know that she knows what a huge blessing it will be to me to just not be alone for a week. Plus, it's gonna be awesome getting to spend time with her!!
Okay. Time for lunch, more cold medicine, and back to work.
My internship for school starts up in a couple of days, so I'm using the engergy I do have right now to get things ready for that and finish up other things I've been needing to work on for awhile.
We've survived one week of husband being gone. Only 3 more to go!!! Thankfully, a dear friend is coming in town this weekend and staying with me for a whole week! I know she says it's b/c she needs a vacation from her life (I totally believe her), but I don't know that she knows what a huge blessing it will be to me to just not be alone for a week. Plus, it's gonna be awesome getting to spend time with her!!
Okay. Time for lunch, more cold medicine, and back to work.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Things I've learned this week
I've learned a lot internally in the past several days.
1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P
2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.
3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.
Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......
Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?
1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P
2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.
3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.
Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......
Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
air bubbles in a water cooler
So, you know what it looks like when those big air bubbles make their way from the bottom of office water coolers? It can be a big or small bubble, but it makes it's way all the way to the top of the water and sort of pops, then it's gone. Sometimes it's more than one bubble too, especially if someone is actively draining the water cooler.
This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.
I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.
Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?
And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?
If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.
Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.
In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.
I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.
This is the best way I know to describe the anxiety I've been feeling the past few days. It starts in the pit of my stomach, and slowly rises up through my chest and eventually exits my mouth in the form of silent screams. It's incredibly intense but is fairly short-lived and has been happening at a greater and greater frequency. Typically it occurs during downtime, when I'm not actively engaged in something.
I have no doubt it's coming from a part(s), but I don't know who or why. My guess is that it has to do with being married and some issues that may be triggered that I am unaware of, but this is just my guess. I'm sure therapist and I will talk about it tomorrow, and I'll be grateful if we can figure it out, and I can lose these anxiety episodes. However, the anxiety is so intense, I don't really want to look at it and talk about it either. I want to push the bubbles back down or rush them through and out of my system. I don't want to look at/examine/understand their meaning, origin, etc. I wouldn't even be posting this now, but my latest bubble seems to be stuck between my diaphragm and my throat. I'm hoping that blogging will get it moving again.
Does anyone else ever get tired of always having to be introspective? Functional is good. I like being functional, but there are moments when I'd rather not be proactive and introspective and just walk around screwed up thinking I'm perfectly sane like so many people in this world do. I get so tired of there typically being a deeper or alternate meaning to everything I feel and experience. Why can't green just be green? Why does it always have to be a mix of blues and yellows and any other number of colors that actually make green what it is?
And why am I in a "oh pitiful me" mood right now? Our life is going really well. We're actually doing a lot better than I expected us to be doing right now. We have so much going for us internally and externally. We actually like our life right now (well, most of us anyways). So, why am I feeling sorry for myself and feeling frustrated about doing a little extra work to alleviate anxiety?
If I'm honest, I know a part of this may be somewhat self-destructive simply because everyone in our life believes we're doing so great. And we are doing really well. But we still really struggle. There's still a lot of pain, a lot of untouched memories. Our past has shown me that when we start to think people are forgetting or not recognizing our pain, we start acting out in ways so that they know it's still there.... sometimes it's just physical symptoms - anxiety, loss of appetite, diarrhea... (this is where we are right now and hope to stop things before they escalate).... sometimes we progress into unhealthy coping skills that make it harder for people to not notice or ignore our pain - self injury, purposely not eating, etc.
Lord, we don't want to go back there at all. Why is it that if people acknowledge the healing that's happened and the progress we've made, that (in our minds) negates any pain we may still be suffering? Why can't we let others acknowledge both? Are we not able to acknowledge it to ourselves? Why are we so afraid people are going to forget our pain? Therapist knows. If no one else knows, therapist knows.
In a way it's good that husband is working the 4:30am-2:30pm shift right now because he goes to bed early. Feeling like I'm having my first real post-wedding mini meltdown right now, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to share that with him. I have no doubt in his ability to handle it, but I think it's more my pride that doesn't want him to see my "crazy train" this close and personal yet. He's definitely seen it, but only in flickers since we didn't live together before we were married. Even though he's never put any pressure on me in any way, I guess I just don't want to "be crazy" only 2 1/2 weeks into our marriage. Like I said, my pride, not his inability to be understanding.
I need to go. I'm just rambling now and this post is getting long. Hope my crazy train doesn't crash too hard tonight and I can park it at the station by tomorrow morning.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Too much to do. Not enough time.
Hey everyone. Sorry I've been MIA for about a week. Unfortunately, this pattern is probably going to continue for another 3 weeks. I've been running around like crazy finishing up last minute wedding details and putting out very small fires. I've had a couple of posts I've really wanted to get up here. One on grief and one on forgiveness, but it seems I never have enough time to get them written out and posted, so I keep putting them off.
In addition, part of me feels I should be using my blog better as an avenue regarding all of the feelings I/we have about getting married next weekend and the honeymoon. Even in therapy this has been hard to talk about the past couple of weeks because I'm feeling sort of numb about it all. I don't think it's numb in a bad way. I think it's more the fact that I've been working on and planning this wedding for 11months and I just want the day to get here. I want to enjoy it with my family and closest friends. And then I want it to be OVER WITH! From everything I've gathered most brides hit this point, so at least I know I'm "normal".
The real question is how will I be feeling and what will surface when everything is over and things calm down? Is there more internal chaos going on than I am able to recognize at the moment? Will I be let down b/c I won't be planning and doing anymore? Will I feel relief? I'm definitely hoping for the positive emotions, but knowing myself like I do, I know that even if I'm unintentionally ignoring parts right now b/c my external life is so crazy, they always make sure I'm aware of everything going on the minute my external life slows down.
So, my current goal is to hope for something in the middle. Mostly feelings of relief and excitement about being married to fiance finally with some difficult feelings that aren't fun but are manageable and can be worked through with coping skills and internal communication.
I know it will be beneficial for me to post this next week up until we leave for our honeymoon (don't know if we have internet where we're going), but if I don't get to, don't worry. It just means I'm a buzy bee. I'll post again as soon as I'm able.
With that.... Off to do more tasks!
In addition, part of me feels I should be using my blog better as an avenue regarding all of the feelings I/we have about getting married next weekend and the honeymoon. Even in therapy this has been hard to talk about the past couple of weeks because I'm feeling sort of numb about it all. I don't think it's numb in a bad way. I think it's more the fact that I've been working on and planning this wedding for 11months and I just want the day to get here. I want to enjoy it with my family and closest friends. And then I want it to be OVER WITH! From everything I've gathered most brides hit this point, so at least I know I'm "normal".
The real question is how will I be feeling and what will surface when everything is over and things calm down? Is there more internal chaos going on than I am able to recognize at the moment? Will I be let down b/c I won't be planning and doing anymore? Will I feel relief? I'm definitely hoping for the positive emotions, but knowing myself like I do, I know that even if I'm unintentionally ignoring parts right now b/c my external life is so crazy, they always make sure I'm aware of everything going on the minute my external life slows down.
So, my current goal is to hope for something in the middle. Mostly feelings of relief and excitement about being married to fiance finally with some difficult feelings that aren't fun but are manageable and can be worked through with coping skills and internal communication.
I know it will be beneficial for me to post this next week up until we leave for our honeymoon (don't know if we have internet where we're going), but if I don't get to, don't worry. It just means I'm a buzy bee. I'll post again as soon as I'm able.
With that.... Off to do more tasks!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
New Post?
I could have sworn I posted an entry on Monday but now I don't see it. Surely, I didn't imagine the whole post. I even talked about the post in therapy today. Where did it go? There seems to be no record of it.
Am I losing my mind or having computer issues? My e-mail got hacked Tuesday night. I use a different account for this blog, but maybe it messed up my computer a bit too?
Too late to figure it out tonight, but very confusing.
Oh well. Bed calls. Hopefully I'll have a more thoughtful entry tomorrow. :)
Am I losing my mind or having computer issues? My e-mail got hacked Tuesday night. I use a different account for this blog, but maybe it messed up my computer a bit too?
Too late to figure it out tonight, but very confusing.
Oh well. Bed calls. Hopefully I'll have a more thoughtful entry tomorrow. :)
Friday, April 23, 2010
the DES
So, I don't know how many of you out there have heard of or taken the DES (Dissociative Experiences Scale). I've taken it several times in my life. I took it again this past week as a follow-up and final part of a research study I've been participating in over the past 2 years. I found the results rather interesting and they also got me thinking. I think the DES is a valid instrument, but I'm currently wondering why it matters so much to so many professionals and why it is used a tool to determine one's ability to treat a potential client?
So, yeah, I was diagnosed DID about 10 years ago. I know I am DID. I know I dissociate. I also know I've made tons of progress and am actually functioning in this world rather fantastically (most of the time). I do not feel my dissociation keeps me from doing anything a "normal" person would do. I work; I'm finishing up my 2nd graduate degree; I'm getting married in 37 days, so I'm doing everything that entails; I have healthy relationships; I enjoy a lot about life these days. I really couldn't ask for things to be much better. Sure some rough stuff still comes up in therapy and I am not totally free from my past. I am still triggered from time to time and am continually still learning to trust myself, my emotions, and others.
What was surprising to me is that according to the way I scored on the DES, I should still be a wreck. According to that thing I am still crazy dissociative and looking at the results you wouldn't think I'd be able to function at all. On the other hand, I think some of the items on the DES are items that people without dissociative disorders experience. My mom can so get lost in a book and forget the world around her exists. She can be driving and end up where she wants to be but have no idea how she got there. My dad can compartmentalize anything. They don't have traumatic histories. They're about as normal as I'd say anyone ever gets. I wonder if I gave them the DES if they would score towards the end of having a disorder or not? Probably not, but I can guarantee you it would show they have some strong dissociative tendenices.
This makes me wonder if most everyone on this planet does? And if so, then how can the DES be used as an effective tool to determine whether someone is treatable or not?
Let me back up, I think the DES is a great tool to determine at what level and to what extent someone dissociates. I just don't think it should be used as diagnostically as a lot of people/clinicians use it.
You may disagree with me. This is just my two cents based on recent experiences. I will admit if I ever have a client who shows dissociative symptoms, I will probably give them the DES, but only as a means to help me figure out how best to help them in treatment - NEVER as a diagnostic tool.
So, yeah, I was diagnosed DID about 10 years ago. I know I am DID. I know I dissociate. I also know I've made tons of progress and am actually functioning in this world rather fantastically (most of the time). I do not feel my dissociation keeps me from doing anything a "normal" person would do. I work; I'm finishing up my 2nd graduate degree; I'm getting married in 37 days, so I'm doing everything that entails; I have healthy relationships; I enjoy a lot about life these days. I really couldn't ask for things to be much better. Sure some rough stuff still comes up in therapy and I am not totally free from my past. I am still triggered from time to time and am continually still learning to trust myself, my emotions, and others.
What was surprising to me is that according to the way I scored on the DES, I should still be a wreck. According to that thing I am still crazy dissociative and looking at the results you wouldn't think I'd be able to function at all. On the other hand, I think some of the items on the DES are items that people without dissociative disorders experience. My mom can so get lost in a book and forget the world around her exists. She can be driving and end up where she wants to be but have no idea how she got there. My dad can compartmentalize anything. They don't have traumatic histories. They're about as normal as I'd say anyone ever gets. I wonder if I gave them the DES if they would score towards the end of having a disorder or not? Probably not, but I can guarantee you it would show they have some strong dissociative tendenices.
This makes me wonder if most everyone on this planet does? And if so, then how can the DES be used as an effective tool to determine whether someone is treatable or not?
Let me back up, I think the DES is a great tool to determine at what level and to what extent someone dissociates. I just don't think it should be used as diagnostically as a lot of people/clinicians use it.
You may disagree with me. This is just my two cents based on recent experiences. I will admit if I ever have a client who shows dissociative symptoms, I will probably give them the DES, but only as a means to help me figure out how best to help them in treatment - NEVER as a diagnostic tool.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Changes in perspective
I've been so busy with wedding stuff, wrapping up school and work stuff, some recent friend drama, that I feel I'm neglecting my inside world.
While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.
One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.
However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.
Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.
I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.
I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.
Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.
While my inside world is not so chaotic that I still lose time, switch uncontrollably, and lots of other symptoms I used to struggle with, there is still a very active world in my each. Each part with her own thoughts and feelings and running commentaries. While I continue to feel more and more connected to several of these parts, there are still a few 'outliers' that feel very foreign to me, and I sometimes forget that they are me, just as I am them.
One of these parts had a drastic change in her perspective in a therapy session a couple of weeks ago. I've wanted to blog about it and check in with her more often to see how she is doing, but before I even made it home from that therapy session where the break-thru happened, I had major drama with a bridesmaid that derailed several other parts internally and played on some of my deepest fears regarding my upcoming wedding. With all of that sorted out and back on track, I feel the need to return to this part and her changing perspective and the fall-out from that.
However, as I was telling therapist today, I can't seem to get into that space to reconnect with her. The day she shared in therapy, I felt horrible (switching headache, nausea from memories, overwhelming emotions of sadness, guilt, depression from her) but there was also a lot of clarity. Despite the awful feelings, I was looking forward to processing this experience and the progress she'd made b/c I knew it was important, and I also knew to her it didn't feel like progress, only more confusion. For whatever reason, I was not granted that opportunity.
Now, 2 weeks later, my mind knows I need to go back there and I am concerned for her, but at the same time I am feeling so drained from life in general. It's hard for me to go search her out and get back in that space with her. I know she needs me to. I think that will be the plan for therapy on Wednesday. However, if we don't get some internal work started before Wednesday, I'm not sure we'll get to her.
I'm beginning to feel the deadline of my upcoming wedding when it comes to therapy issues. My fiance is great! I couldn't ask for more. He is being so supportive. I am not worried about him pressuring me into anything I'm not ready for - even on our wedding night. I am very excited to be his wife! At the same time, there are areas that need to be addressed more in therapy and it's frustrating when life gets in the way and keeps me from being able to focus our sessions where I'd like. Lately it seems there's always some sort of mini-crisis that takes precedence in therapy.
I've been being made more and more aware of the spiritual warfare going on around me and I can't help but wonder if these are satan's distractions to keep me from goals and potential progress that will help me.... much like I find him doing when it comes to spending time with God or in the word... Distractions cause me to lose my focus and my goal more than anything else.
Okay so this has been a random blog about lots of things that aren't very coherent, but I'm still gonna post it b/c it's what's going through my head right now.
Water Works
I'm in the process of writing 3 different blog entries. They are not finished because the last of the ones I will probably post (of the ones I'm currently working on) happened yesterday and has been pretty consuming all of last night and today.
However, this one is short but still something I didn't want to get away from me. I realized during therapy yesterday how I am still amazed that I can walk into a therapy session feeling great with no agenda of things I felt "had" to be discussed and all therapist has to do is ask the right set of questions or ask to talk to a specific part and BAM: water works! and not just little tears.. crocodile tears and irregular breathing.
I find myself wondering. Where does all of this hide the rest of the week? I don't walk around always feeling like I need to cry. I don't find this upsetting or disconcerting..... just an interesting observation.
However, this one is short but still something I didn't want to get away from me. I realized during therapy yesterday how I am still amazed that I can walk into a therapy session feeling great with no agenda of things I felt "had" to be discussed and all therapist has to do is ask the right set of questions or ask to talk to a specific part and BAM: water works! and not just little tears.. crocodile tears and irregular breathing.
I find myself wondering. Where does all of this hide the rest of the week? I don't walk around always feeling like I need to cry. I don't find this upsetting or disconcerting..... just an interesting observation.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Still here
Hey everyone! I apologize for not posting anything in two weeks. I'm still here and kicking. There never seems to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do and sadly blogging always seems to be at the bottom of my list of things that must get done.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
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