So, I've wanted to blog since Wednesday, but time and my mental state haven't allowed for it. I feel I should tell you up front that emotions may not be conveyed strongly in this post because I am feeling rather removed from all events at the moment, but I assure you they are there, and I fully expect them to be addressed in therapy on Monday. For now, numbing and distancing seem to be working well for coping skills, and since I'm spending the weekend with a TON of family, I'm not objecting. It's not the best time to have any sort of an emotional breakdown. Too many people, and I'd have to do too much explaining. A loving family is FANTASTIC! I wouldn't trade it for anything, but a downfall is the fact that everyone cares about you so much that tears require more of an explanation than they might in another setting.
So, this past Wednesday sort of felt like our most recent D-Day. We had a 2 hour session scheduled with therapist so we could hopefully get through some walls and figure out what was going on internally over the past month that caused parts to feel the need to put up a stone wall cutting off all communication. Our session turned into a 2.5 hour session, and while we gained a ton of information, it was incredibly draining. I got home around 1 in the afternoon and slept til almost 6pm... just trying to recover.
Brief rundown of what I learned:
1. There really is a core inside, and I am not it. I've known deep down for a very long time that I was not the core, but I always still hoped I was. I have the birth name and I've managed all of our external relationships for the past 20 years. This life is mostly the one I've built for us. So, while I've always known I was not the one who was "born", I guess I always hoped I was b/c it made my identity easier to establish. While this doesn't necessarily change anything in the way I live my life now, it has led me to do some identity questioning, and there's a lot of sadness I'm not tapping into right now over this. I figure this is pretty normal for anyone who's been in my situation though, so while it's not fun, I'm not too worried about it.
2. I met a new part who calls herself the Gatekeeper (really hoping she'll pick a normal name soon). Apparently it has been her job all of these years to keep the core safe from any more hurt or damage. This girl is tough. She's not letting anyone through. She's the one who put up the wall in the first place b/c she decided A. had been talking too much to therapist and was sharing too much information. I guess the rationale is that the more information is shared, the closer therapist will get to the core, and that is not acceptable to the Gatekeeper.
So, obviously there was more leading up to that, but that's the gist of what went down on Wednesday. We ended with therapist promising not to actively push to reach the core and the Gatekeeper agreeing to not immediately put the wall back up. So, my head feels more "normal" again, but it's still reeling from more new stuff than I know how to process yet.. hence the numbness.
For me, the scariest part right now is remembering how strong A. was before therapist broke through to her. If A. was the first line of defense before the Gatekeeper, it is scary how much energy and power this part may have and may use if she feels threatened.
Guess all I can do for right now though is try and enjoy my Easter weekend, and bring all of my thoughts and concerns to therapist on Monday. It's scarier than I care to experience, but I am relieved to finally know what's going on inside.
So, anyways, there's my update from the past week.