Monday, November 22, 2010


I don't have a ton of time right now, and I also think I'm probably not in the best frame of mind to blog right now because it will probably come out as a rant and rave... more than just a vent. I'm likely to type and publish things now that I will regret later b/c I am so angry.

More than anything, I just felt it important to blog that I AM ANGRY. Anger is a feeling most of us inside have always avoided at all costs. It's a scary feeling. It's an uncomfortable feeling. There is nothing about it I like. Many time in my life, anger was not displayed appropriately, and I think only recently am I/are we learning how anger can be felt and expressed in a healthy manner.

Some of the things I am angry about, I have every right to be angry about. I do not think I am overreacting in the least. Other things I am angry about, by themselves, would not warrant this strong of a feeling, but right now they're piggy-backing on top of the other things that are making angry.... like adding more fuel to the fire.

While I am controlling myself, externally, things feel out of control internally. There's this boiling feeling in my stomach, and I have a feeling similar to indigestion in my chest. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, and I have more energy in my arms than I know what to do with. I want to lash out at someone, but I know that won't make me feel any better.

In fact, I'm so afraid of saying something I'll regret, I can't even blog about the things that have me so upset right now. All I can do is blog about my experience of feeling anger. I have therapy in 30 minutes and I'm praying it will help me sort some stuff out, so they at least won't feel so out of control inside.

I also want to tease things out so that I do take action on the things I need to, but that I do so in an appropriate way, and in a way that helps the situation and doesn't just release the feelings welling up inside of me.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *Silent screams* for now at least...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Still breathing

This past week has been one for the birds!! If it could go wrong, it has gone wrong. God is faithful and He is meeting all my needs. But I am emotionally drained, physically tired, and just want my husband home. I want life to slow down, I want a time-out. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to deal with the stupid management company. I want to call my therapist and continue to process this week. But I just talked to her this morning.. Besides, it's way too late to call her for a non-crisis situation. I just feel crappy. I need a vacation.

I need sleep. I should go to bed.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Why Gray is Better than Really Bad

Over the past week, I've received a couple of not so subtle reminders that the "gray" space I've been living in really is better than where I used to be. Gray is hard and uncomfortable, and I feel confused a lot. But most days it's not gut-wrenching, turn my stomach inside out, uncontrollable tears, depression, etc.

This past week I've been experiencing some of those feelings from a really bad place. They're not so bad I'm considering self-injuring or anything like that, but they are definitely worse than anything I have felt for awhile and they continue on going and dull - even when I get really distracted.

My hubby left Thursday morning for a 10 day pre-deployment trip to Afghanistan. I'm praying it's only 10 days anyways. Saying good-bye to him when he's going into a war zone is so much harder than saying good-bye to him when he's going to training. That evening I picked up a dear friend of mine who had the whole bottom fall out from under her this week. I feel so blessed to have her here with me a bit and do what I can to help. She is not draining on me because of anything she is or is not doing, but I care about her so much that I'm drained emotionally regarding all of my feelings about her situation - none of which are her fault. Her situation, while very different, has been a strong reminder to me of Dr. M's abandonment of me almost 7 years ago. I thought I had dealt with most of our feelings around that event, and most of the time I never think about it all. Now I find myself partially reliving those feelings I had with her and then wanting to transfer my feelings onto those who have unintentionally hurt my friend so deeply.

In addition, Saturday I met with the company who is managing my husband's rental property and it was a disaster. This company is so incompetent. What good does it do to have a management company if you have to manage the management company? It's totally stuff I can handle, but now is really not the time to have to fool with this mess too. I really would like to scream and run and hide until all of this blows over.

I know I say this a lot lately, but praise God for my therapist. I haven't talked to her since Thursday, but just knowing that she is there and that she is my anchor through all of this really helps. I know I can go into her office tomorrow evening and cry about all of this - my husband, my friend, my feelings, and I don't have to guard anything I say for fear of offending someone or being misunderstood.

It's amazing how much you remember yet forget when you don't feel in crisis mode all of the time anymore. I forgot just exactly how hard it was to concentrate. I forgot what it's like to use every ounce of energy to be where you're supposed to be when all you really want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry and sleep.

I wouldn't have my friend anywhere else in the world than here with me right now. I am so honored to be able to offer her whatever support I can. I think I finally understand what it's like to have someone you love so much hurt sooo deeply. It hurts you really deeply too and you feel helpless b/c there's only so much you can do to help the other person. I do wish my husband was here to be a rock for me, but I have God and he is bigger than all of these situations.

Who know I'd ever write that I think I might prefer the gray after these past several days?? Think I'm going to count this as progress.