Recently I've come to the realization that shame is a theme throughout my entire life. It seems to be satan's preferred mode of attack. While many new things in therapy have come out over the last few months and that which has been hidden is coming to light, the ever present, almost impenetrable barrier and common factor is shame. In addition to my abuse struggles, our current-day struggles of infertility are covered in shame - some of it self-inflicted and some of it coming from well-meaning people who are ignorant and don't realize what they're really saying.
I want to let go of the shame. Being filled with shame is not a fun place to be. However, it has been so deeply ingrained and programmed into my mind, into my being, since I was such a young child, the process feels like trying to manually separate my muscles from my bones. It feels impossible. Shame feels so much a part of me and my identity at this point, it feels impossible to just let go of it and not own it anymore.
Therapist believes it is possible, and I am grateful for her hope and commitment to me, but I have a very hard time believing it's no more possible than it is for me to get a new body and get rid of this one that holds so many awful memories.
Therapy itself is a minefield right now. I told therapist last night that doing this work feels like being in my own version of the game Jumanji. Every roll of the dice, every move forward towards winning "the game" sets off some massive event to avoid, wade through, or overcome - many of which are life threatening. Even if I believe there has to be an ending to all of this with no more surprises or triggers or flipped switches, I sometimes wonder if we'll survive all of the "traps and switches" between here and there. Shame is what drives the thought processes of most of these current struggles, and while in and of itself may not pose safety issues, I definitely feel it is our hardest hurdle to overcome.
Today I am alive and breathing. Today I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and try to focus on how God sees me - as spotless and blameless because of Jesus' sacrifice. It's all I can do and thankfully it's all He asks of me.