I feel as though I've been all over the place emotionally in the past week. The anger that I discussed in my last post subsided and was replaced with state of alternating between desperation for help and feeling resigned to just be. I felt incredibly alone over the weekend dealing with some new and painful memories that I couldn't share b/c other parts were so adamant that we could not share the information. Parts were threatening self-injury and death if we told. Now, that may not have happened, but I've learned over the years not to take those threats lightly. I've never been in a place of truly wanting to share the pain I was in and feeling "bullied" into not being able to. Other parts were in that place while the abuse was occurring, but I didn't have that specific experience. I've not shared things in the past by my choice, but never b/c someone else wouldn't let me.
Monday's therapy session broke through a lot of barriers and diffused some parts who were threatening self-harm. I gotta admit. I don't think therapist knew exactly what she was doing, but she did some great work helping parts do a 180 in thinking really quickly. I actually think this is part of what makes her an awesome therapist. She does great work even when she's not fully sure what to do to help me. :) By the time we left her office Monday, safety was no longer an issue and we were able to share the information we'd been dying to share but were too afraid to share.
Over the next couple of days, my rational mind thought this was great. In some aspects I had more of my life back. My emotional mind was still a wreck. There's a lot of new pain setting in regarding the new information that was shared and the shifting taking place inside. Safety is not an issue but some of the pain still feels overwhelming. Several younger parts who are in a lot of pain noticed that we didn't talk to therapist as much and she didn't check in on us between sessions once safety wasn't a concern. This a+b=c thinking led parts to think that the only way to get the attention that they felt we needed was to threaten to or actually self-injure. We spent the next 48 hours arguing with ourselves about how self-injury does not actually equate to safety just b/c people pay more attention to us. We got to talk to therapist about this yesterday, and it was helpful. It didn't "fix" everything, but she helped put parts minds at ease that she doesn't forget about them or not care about them during the times we're not speaking to her - it's not an out of sight, out of mind situation.
Today I feel blah. Not having any self-injury impulses, thankfully. But I want to cry and I think I'd be very content to just lie on my couch all day. On top of all of this therapy stuff, I've had a lot of strong emotions regarding my husband. See, he's on his way home from his 2nd deployment to Afghanistan. He started his trip home Sunday and we thought he'd be home yesterday, but there have been delays, and as of yesterday he was still in Afghanistan. I haven't talked to him in almost 24 hours, so I'm praying he's somewhere in route home now, but I really have no idea. I'm so ready for him to be home, and the emotional drain of thinking he's on his way, then he's not, then he is, then he's not, and now I don't know is almost more than I can handle on top of all of the other emotionally draining situations.
I haven't blogged in several days b/c I don't feel I've been able to articulate what I really feel or want to say. I'm still not sure I succeeded to day. I'm really just hoping this entry makes sense at this time.
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Showing posts with label memories. Show all posts
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Flashbacks from Dealing with Pain/Intense Emotions
About a week ago Tempy, from Crackers & Juiceboxes posted a blog entry about how being suicidal (whether you ever attempt or not) is in itself a traumatic event that can continue to haunt you even after you are no longer suicidal. Click here to ready Tempy's post. The truth of this realization and concept really resonated with me. Being someone who was chronically suicidal for close to 5 years and who prayed for death years before that, I am filled with intense anxiety any time I have feelings that are remotely similar to those I felt when suicidal.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Yesterday, I spent a lot of my session with therapist talking about something I've recently realized and how it's proving to be a challenge to me in my current life. My realization: feelings feel the same no matter what the situation. Sadness feels like sadness no matter what the situation that caused the sadness. Excitement, anxiety, fear, happiness, anger - they always feel the same even if the situations evoking the feelings are as different as night and day. For example: Anxiety about starting a new job resonates the same way in me that anxiety surrounding a memory or flashback does.
As a result, days that I am sad or depressed due to (sometimes normal) present day issues, can lead to panic attacks and irrational fears if not cognitively challenged because the association of these feelings with the low, scary, nearly impossible place I was in 3 years ago is sooooooooooo strong. Because these feelings were associated with me just trying to stay alive for so long, the association is automatic. I have to consciously make myself separate them out. I have to constantly remind myself that a bad day today does not mean I am automatically headed into another 5 year stint of being chronically suicidal. Panic tends to set in quickly when sadness, anxiety, or depression are strong b/c there is a HUGE fear of returning to the place that we were. My initial reaction is to think I'd rather die than go back there again. I'd like to differentiate that I am not suicidal when I have these thoughts, but more it just shows how huge our aversion of living like that again is. In these moments, it's almost as if I'm having flashbacks and some PTSD around my adult years of trying to work through my past and surviving my present.
Last evening I had the honor of talking to a friend of mine who has lived through things that I can't even imagine. Our lives are so different, but oddly we always seem to be in the same general spot in healing. I do believe her feelings and struggles are more intense than mine b/c she lived through more years of abuse and more intense abuse. I don't say this to downplay what happened to me, but more to validate her struggles. Sometimes I believe she feels like a failure in her fight b/c she compares her functioning to that of other abuse survivors who just didn't live through the same intensity and severity of abuse that she endured. Last night my friend was very panicked and she was having trouble being grounded. It was hard for her to form her thoughts, but the more she was able to share what she was feeling and thinking, the more it felt like she was living what I'd just been talking to therapist about an hour earlier. Most of her sentiments revolved around saying that she couldn't go back to that life of being chronically suicidal... of day in day out struggles to just breathe. She had experienced some rough feelings and memories recently (she's going through more tough therapeutic work). I am not an expert, but it appeared to me that the depression, anxiety, sadness, etc. that she was feeling seemed to be panicking her more out of a fear of returning to the place she used to be than b/c the present feelings were too overwhelming. It appeared as if she was in a flashback from 2 years ago when she was barely alive more so than that she was in a flashback from her childhood.
Speaking to her last night validated my belief that surviving memories, feelings, and therapy as an adult can have traumatic implications that may often times get overlooked b/c even clients don't give their struggles as an adult enough credence. Please hear me. THE PREVIOUS STATEMENT IS NOT BASHING THERAPY. I would have been dealing with all of this whether I was in therapy or not. Therapy and the care, concern, and respect of my counselor is what kept me alive. I merely am just trying to share my realization that the intensity of what one may feel as an adult when having to deal with childhood abuse can be traumatic in and of itself. This realization has actually helped me combat some present day panic attacks b/c I can reality test and call my feelings what they truly are - not a backslide, but a fear of backsliding into that hell hole of a living space. It's for sure not a magic cure, and it doesn't work every time, but many times it can help to keep feelings manageable and not overwhelming.
I guess calling a spade, a spade truly does have it's benefits.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Questioning?
The past few days I've found myself questioning everything in my history... I'm pretty sure it's because a new string of events/memories has started surfacing internally... These memories don't feel anything like mine. It feels like I could be telling another person's story...
In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.
I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.
I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?
Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.
This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!
In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.
I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.
I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?
Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.
This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!
Monday, February 28, 2011
It Feels Like I'm Starting Over
It feels like I'm starting therapy all over again. My mind knows that I am not starting over. My mind knows that where I am is progress. My mind knows that I am now strong enough to do the work I was not able to do before now.
Today, however, I found myself in therapy discussing struggles, feelings, and memories that I spent a lot of time dealing with in therapy almost 5 years ago. I mean, I get it. I'm DID. Just because I worked through my part of it and some other parts worked through their feelings regarding certain memories and issues, it doesn't mean all of me has worked through it.... and it really appears as though A. may not have worked through much of anything yet.
In theory, I'm okay with this. It makes perfect sense on paper. What seems to really be the hardest for me is how many of these feelings are be re-triggered in me. Issues that I thought I'd put behind me have been back in my face the past few days, and I'm feeling them like they just happened yesterday. I feel like I really can't believe I'm about to do all of this all over again. I know it's not all over again, but it sure does feel that way right now.
I just gotta remember that we've done this before. We can do it again. And we're in a better place to handle it this time. Better internal resources and better, more consistent external support.
Am I still allowed to say, "ugh!" though?
Today, however, I found myself in therapy discussing struggles, feelings, and memories that I spent a lot of time dealing with in therapy almost 5 years ago. I mean, I get it. I'm DID. Just because I worked through my part of it and some other parts worked through their feelings regarding certain memories and issues, it doesn't mean all of me has worked through it.... and it really appears as though A. may not have worked through much of anything yet.
In theory, I'm okay with this. It makes perfect sense on paper. What seems to really be the hardest for me is how many of these feelings are be re-triggered in me. Issues that I thought I'd put behind me have been back in my face the past few days, and I'm feeling them like they just happened yesterday. I feel like I really can't believe I'm about to do all of this all over again. I know it's not all over again, but it sure does feel that way right now.
I just gotta remember that we've done this before. We can do it again. And we're in a better place to handle it this time. Better internal resources and better, more consistent external support.
Am I still allowed to say, "ugh!" though?
Monday, March 22, 2010
Familiar craziness
Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.
During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.
The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.
I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.
I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.
For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Hello craziness!
Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.
Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.
Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P
I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
A little bit of insight
Therapist was kind enough to give me some phone time today to discuss my previous blog entry. It didn't take long to sort through the typical reasons hearing or seeing anything from or about Dr. M. upsets us so much. Therapist also let me vent how tired I am of this still being an issue because I feel we've spent so much time grieving that loss and rebuilding the bridges Dr. M. burned when it came to trusting others with any abuse and or therapy information.
What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.
I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.
Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.
What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.
Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.
And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.
F*ck!
God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.
What really hit home in our conversation today is something I've been thinking about for the rest of today. We've done our best over the past couple of years to vilify Dr. M.... to only remember the ways that she hurt us and how she let us think her termination with us was all our fault. Seeing her write nice things to best friend and husband struck a chord b/c it was a subtle reminder of how she isn't a horrible, evil person... that's she's really a very good person who screwed up royally with me.
I was thinking back to when we first started working with therapist almost 4 years ago. Goodness knows we put therapist through the ringer testing her and asking for reassurance all the time that she hadn't changed her mind about working with us yet. We spent a lot of time explaining what we believed to be the demise in our relationship with Dr. M. and how we could keep the same thing from happening with current therapist and our ongoing fears that it was an impossible task. One day we would succeed in running therapist off even though we were still very unsure of what we'd done to run Dr. M. off, other than truly believing it was our fault. As we were trying to explain our fears to therapist, I still remember trying to explain how awful the past couple of years since Dr. M. terminated with us had been while still trying to sort of defend Dr. M. and protect her dignity as a good therapist. At that point I guess I was still very aware of the ways she had been so helpful and caring towards us before things went terribly wrong.
Somehow along the way over the past 4 years Dr. M. has come to stand for everything horrible a counselor can do to a client. In fact, the only thing I was semi thankful to her for was for introducing me to a trauma disorders clinic that helped to keep me alive over a 5 year period after Dr. M. ditched us. I think it was easier (at least for me) this way. It made it easier to not think about or miss Dr. M. It made it easier to feel she was of no consequence to us. It kept the majority of the great pain at bay for so long, I guess I was able to think it didn't exist anymore and we had moved on.
What I've realized today is that in reality, it's a level of pain and grief we've never truly processed and seeing Dr. M's kind note to best friend sparked a fury of memories of times she was so kind and patient and understanding with us... times she went out of her way to help us... memories that at one point she really did care about us... Then the thoughts start up wondering if she still cares about us or think about us at all? Some parts inside would still give anything just to see her and hold her hand, to look into her kind eyes and feel safe in her office with the yellow walls.
Other parts want to get in her face and make sure she knows just how badly she hurt us. They want to know if she remembers the months after she decided she was going to terminate with us and looked for someone else to dump us on? She decided we needed a new therapist in September and didn't find anyone who was willing to "take us" until mid-January. Does she remember the begging? The promises to be a better client? To stop cutting? To never mention being suicidal again? To please not send us away? Does she remember the few weeks after she dumped us on some psychotic therapist when we begged her to help us find someone else b/c the new lady was horrible? They want her to know how we spent the next 2 1/2years bouncing from therapist to therapist and in and out of inpatient stays praying every night that we could just die. They want her to know that in a very different way they feel she traumatized us. They want a heartfelt apology and they want her to feel guilty for the way she treated us.
And how do I feel? I have no idea. I can't seem to separate my own feelings out right now. I seem to vacillate back and forth between the two extremes occasionally stopping in the middle where my rational mind is able to keep any parts from acting on one of these drastic emotions and doing something we will later regret. Mostly I just wish I was in a place where this could be in my past and stay there. I don't want to deal with and work through this intense pain. It's much easier to truly let go of someone you don't like or that you don't love anymore. Unfortunately, this is one of the sucky things about DID b/c there are parts inside that would go back to her in a heartbeat. She was the first person who ever listened to them.. took them seriously... really cared. And it really burns me up that parts of me would run back to her so quickly after everything! We DON'T need her. We have therapist! And therapist is way better to us and been more helpful to us than Dr. M. ever was.
F*ck!
God, you're going to have to take this one. Satan has a stronghold on this one and I don't know how to let it go. I know you are stronger and can not only help us let go of the bitterness but also help us grieve and heal the loss of someone we loved. Healing this pain really feels as though we're going to need a miracle.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Clear as Mud
Yep. That's about how clear everthing feels in my head right now. Before I proceed, I should probably preface this entry with
*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
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Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.
Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.
I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.
Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.
So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.
Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.
Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.
Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".
This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.
*TW S*xual Content* - please read at a time when you feel you are in a safe place.
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Despite my intial reasons for creating this blog to be an online journal to discuss my healing and issues around the childhood abuse we suffered, I very rarely speak on anything specfically related to this content. In all honesty, I believe it's more of an attempt to spare myself than anyone else. I only started this blog a year ago. It's been almost 2 years that I've been in a pretty good place. I think days that remind me of the dark spaces I've been in lead me to not want to blog and to distract and to forget as soon as possible. I like my new "healthy" happy life not overrun by utter despair, pain and desperation.
Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) we've entered into a space, a set of therapeutic work that needs to be done, that is going to make it impossible to try and stay in my nice little bubble. Vacation is over. It's time to put the gloves back on and enter the ring again. Ugh.
I know I mention fiancee a lot in my blogs, but typically it's about how something he said or did affected me emotionally. He is involved in my current issue, but more indirectly as this has nothing to do with anything he's done right or wrong or even anything he's completely aware of at the moment.
Our wedding is in 3 months and 29 days! I am so excited! Final details for invitations are coming together, bridesmaids dresses and tuxes have been ordered, wedding bands picked out, etc. I am so excited to be marrying fiancee!!! I/we are not excited about the wedding night. We never have been, but we've been working hard on our own and talking through some things in therapy. I thought we were making great progress (and I think maybe we were) until some progress we made this weekend sent my mind spinning. We contained everything until therapy today, but then when it was a safe place to talk about anything and everything with someone who has never judged us, it felt as if all hell broke lose in my head.
Let me back up just a bit. I don't judge other couples' physical decisions in their relationships. I think each couple needs to make that decision for themselves. However, based upon the way I was raised and fiancee and mine's spiritual beliefs, he and I have decided to wait until we're married to have sex. In fact, most would be surprised to find out how strict our physical boundaries are. This has been fantastic for me in our dating relationship b/c fiancee has never done anything to physically trigger me or any other part. We feel safe with him and feel respected when it comes to our body. In less than 4 months, technically, all boundaries are gone. Now, fiancee will respect whatever I need and am comfortable with, but at the same time, the poor guy will have waited 2 years to have sex with me. What kind of a wedding night will it be if I say "No thanks, can we just make out instead?" or if we follow through and then I end up in a flashback or overcome by guilt and shame afterwards - not b/c of anything to do with him but because it reminds me of all of those times as a child when..... well, I'm sure you can fill in the blank.
So, this weekend I tried a few, um exercises with the goal of hoping to make some things we're fearing less scary. The good news is that things went better than expected. That's also the bad news. You'd think by now that things that seem to solidify the abuse would make me feel better in the sense that I know I'm not making any of it up, but it doesn't. All of these old painful memories resurfaced instead and I find myself mourning so many things I thought I'd mourned all over again. In addition, it felt wrong that I didn't mind some things. My mind knows that sex and sexual acts are supposed to be pleasurable things, but I still feel such guilt when I enjoy something.
Some of this, I believe, is due to a 10 year old part who found pleasure in certain acts when the body was a child and carries an immense amount of guilt over this. As much as she's trying, she still can't quite comprehend why those same feelings can mean good things now. She knows what happened to us was bad so she thinks having positive feelings about them was bad. To her, it makes no sense that having those feelings in the present can be good. She and therapist talked for a long time tonight. I think some seeds were planted but right now I'm feeling more confused than ever.
Right now this feels like a lose/lose situation. Either when we have sex with fiance we do okay and even potentially enjoy it (if not the first time, at some point) which will lead to immense guilt and shame - none of which will be his fault; or we will freak out, not have sex, and poor fiancee will have to help us pick up the pieces from whatever memory or flashback came up.
Therapist says we're on a tough road but we can do this and there is a way to have sexual pleasure without feeling extreme guilt and/or to not freak out when husband will go to our "no zones" (those places off limits, at least until the wedding night). Because she says it, I believe her. However, right now I feel trapped. I don't feel there's a good way out of this situation and I'm frustrated b/c we've entered into default mode. Default mode is where we start thinking how if we were just dead then this whole issue would go away from everyone. To clarify.. These are NOT the same as our suicidal thoughts. Default mode just means we go into thinking how we and everyone else in our lives would be better off if we were just dead. It feels like we're on the verge of pulling fiancee down into this spiral with us and I want so bad to spare him. I can't imagine living without him though. Haven't we made enough people hurt with us in this process? I feel like we've tried to warn him, but he just doesn't see, and one day soon, he's going to get knocked upside the head with the reality of how screwed up everything in my head still is no matter how many days or months in a row I may appear "normal".
This is getting long and I need to take a break. Part II will follow.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Fiance came with me to therapy
I can't say the session went how I hoped or anticipated, but I am happy to report that I believe it went well, and I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The original plan was to help fiancee gain a good understanding of PTSD as it relates to childhood abuse and help him understand the need for me to still be in therapy. If all that went well and there was time, we were going to begin to broach the whole DID thing.
I'm not sure how well we succeeded in him really understanding PTSD. I'm not sure you can unless you're someone who has it or a therapist who works with it on a daily basis. However, he did seem to get a better grasp of why I still need therapy. Fiancee met me after my last hospitalization, after I was no longer struggling with self-injury and after all of my suicidal ideations has passed. He hasn't seen me in a true struggle and he doesn't understand where I've come from to understand that while we have made tons of progress, we still have a ways to go. I think we were able to at least help him understand a little about why therapy is still necessary and reassure him that I'm not going to stay in therapy for the rest of my life just to be in therapy. I did tell him that I would not put myself on a "healing timeline" and that I couldn't tell him when I wouldn't need/want therapy anymore. That was a decision therapist and I would make together at the appropriate time.
Since he didn't feel the need to ask any questions and had very few comments, I decided to plug on. I laid the groundwork for explaining DID by telling him how my mind was compartmentalized as a child as means of functioning through the abuse. Different compartments in my mind hold thoughts or memories or feelings and they are accessed at different times and are of different levels of intensity and that the eventual goal is for the seperation to not be so great but more fluid. I didn't go as far as to tell him these "compartments" have names and vary in age and have their own thoughts and opinions. We didn't want to freak the poor guy out. This was the first time he'd ever been in a therapist's office.
I also made it clear to him (since he kept saying he was only coming b/c I asked him to) that my goal in him coming was to make sure he knew I was making my best efforts to not have any secrets from him before our marriage. Obviously, we won't know everything about each other before marriage, but I never wanted him to feel or say that I was not the genuine me with him before marriage or I didn't give him the opportunity to talk about or ask about anything from my past that he wanted to before we said "I do."
He didn't skip a beat in saying he understood and that he appreciated what I was doing. At the same time, he didn't ask a single question or really make any statements of his own. So, not exactly what I expected, but I feel I fulfilled my "duty to warn" him before our wedding, so I'm feeling a huge weight is gone.
After we left therapy he wanted to go to Men's Warehouse and pick out his tux for the wedding, so we did. I guess this means I can happily report that we're still getting married and while he doesn't understand everything now, he's willing to deal with and try to understand things as they come up.
We'll see...
I'm not sure how well we succeeded in him really understanding PTSD. I'm not sure you can unless you're someone who has it or a therapist who works with it on a daily basis. However, he did seem to get a better grasp of why I still need therapy. Fiancee met me after my last hospitalization, after I was no longer struggling with self-injury and after all of my suicidal ideations has passed. He hasn't seen me in a true struggle and he doesn't understand where I've come from to understand that while we have made tons of progress, we still have a ways to go. I think we were able to at least help him understand a little about why therapy is still necessary and reassure him that I'm not going to stay in therapy for the rest of my life just to be in therapy. I did tell him that I would not put myself on a "healing timeline" and that I couldn't tell him when I wouldn't need/want therapy anymore. That was a decision therapist and I would make together at the appropriate time.
Since he didn't feel the need to ask any questions and had very few comments, I decided to plug on. I laid the groundwork for explaining DID by telling him how my mind was compartmentalized as a child as means of functioning through the abuse. Different compartments in my mind hold thoughts or memories or feelings and they are accessed at different times and are of different levels of intensity and that the eventual goal is for the seperation to not be so great but more fluid. I didn't go as far as to tell him these "compartments" have names and vary in age and have their own thoughts and opinions. We didn't want to freak the poor guy out. This was the first time he'd ever been in a therapist's office.
I also made it clear to him (since he kept saying he was only coming b/c I asked him to) that my goal in him coming was to make sure he knew I was making my best efforts to not have any secrets from him before our marriage. Obviously, we won't know everything about each other before marriage, but I never wanted him to feel or say that I was not the genuine me with him before marriage or I didn't give him the opportunity to talk about or ask about anything from my past that he wanted to before we said "I do."
He didn't skip a beat in saying he understood and that he appreciated what I was doing. At the same time, he didn't ask a single question or really make any statements of his own. So, not exactly what I expected, but I feel I fulfilled my "duty to warn" him before our wedding, so I'm feeling a huge weight is gone.
After we left therapy he wanted to go to Men's Warehouse and pick out his tux for the wedding, so we did. I guess this means I can happily report that we're still getting married and while he doesn't understand everything now, he's willing to deal with and try to understand things as they come up.
We'll see...
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Good Talk
Fiancee and I had a really good talk yesterday afternoon after I got my nice vent out here on my blog. I was able to figure out what I really wanted from him and how I wanted to say it. The conversation went really well, and while he was aware of some things, he really was clueless about some of the things that had been hurting my feelings. Hopefully he also understands now that I need periodic reassurance that he is still happy he chose me and he wants to marry me over continuing to be a bachelor. I don't want to take him away from his friends totally, but I needed to know we were on the same page as far as what our engagement meant to each of us and how we see things after we're married.
We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.
I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.
It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.
Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.
We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.
I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.
It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.
Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Talked to Supervisor
First of all, thanks TheSameSky for being willing to fly across the pond and put my co-worker in his place. :D Thankfully, we have been able to handle this one ourselves.
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Monday, November 9, 2009
Text Message
I received a text message this evening from my crazy ex-roommate. I went back through blog entries b/c I was going to link to the blog that explained about crazy roommate for those who are newer to reading my blog and realized I started this blog right after I moved out of her house, so she never made a blog entry. So before I explain tonight's text, I need to give a little background.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
First Client With an Ab*se History - TW
I made it about 9 weeks into my job as a counselor dealing with about everything under the sun with my clients except abuse issues. Today I met with a sweet girl for the second time and she revealed that she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her father for most of her life. She presented to me originally with signs of depression and trouble focusing on school work. After much discussion and probing as to why this is the first semester she's struggled with these issues in college, she shared that she's in her mental health rotation for her nursing degree and finds a lot of the topics hit really close to home. In other words, her classes this semester are constantly triggering the mess out of her. She's spent the past 4 years since she left home stuffing emotions and as many memories as she could. As many of you know, that works well for awhile, but eventually the walls come crashing down and you feel as though you whole world is falling apart.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Being healthy is good, right? *TW not spoiled*
I had what has mostly been a good experience happen this weekend. Wait... My mind knows that it is a good thing and that being healthy is what we want, but there are feelings of sadness in giving up things from our past that represent a time when we were very unhealthy and unhappy. It's hard to explain.
We are not fat. We are 5'8" and weigh 140lbs. According to all those charts, we are a perfect weight for our height and build. We exercise regularly except when school gets too crazy and do our best to eat healthy (well, most of the time). We are healthy.
A year and a half ago I weighed 113lbs and wore a size 0 or 2. We stayed around that size for about 2 years. It wasn't about wanting to be thin - at least at first. We've always been on the thin side. We were in an ongoing major depressive episode for approximately 5 years. Even during our "happy" times we were still depressed. When we get depressed, we lose our appetite and even the thought of eating makes us sick. For several years the weight loss was slow and we stayed around 125lbs. with fluctuations in the level of the depression causing the weight to drop a few pounds.
In the Fall of 2007 a part came forward struggling with some memories involving oral sex and a huge aversion to swallowing anything. Despite therapist working with her on the issue, things only seemed to get worse. By Jan. 2008, we weren't eating anything or drinking much of anything before 6pm (apparently things felt safe after 6pm b/c as a child we were always home by then and no more abuse would occur for the rest of the evening). We worked with this part during our inpatient stay in Feb.-Mar. 2008 and made a lot of progress. I am happy to say being triggered by eating is not something we've struggled with since that stay.
I'm not conviced I do or ever really had an eating disorder, but I do believe a side effect of me being so incredibly thin for so long and getting compliments about my looks from everyone other than my family, made it very challenging for me internally as I began to naturally put weight back on because I was eating regularly again. Giving up my 0 sized clothing wasn't too hard b/c I actually could get back into some of my size 4 clothing that I was sad had become too baggy to wear. Giving up my size 2 clothes was a bit harder. Over the summer and early Fall, I've given up my size 4s for size 6s. I know the average American wears either a size 12 or a size 14, so I'm still well under average, but it's been a hard adjustment.
Until this weekend, I've been holding on to all of my old pants and skirts thinking that one day, I'd fit back into them again.... that maybe this is just a phase and that my "real" weight is skinnier. That I really am a size 4 or a 2.... I must admit that I did not take the initiative to part with my smaller sized clothing and thus commit myself to staying at least at this size. My mother has a friend whose daughter is a size 2-4 and she just landed her first professional job. First jobs don't pay much and she has to dress professionally everyday. Since my mom just helped me purchase enough dress pants in a size 6 for me to wear to work, she thought it was a perfect idea for me to sell my smaller pants that I can no longer wear to this girl for a discounted rate. Makes sense right? I mean, the pants really are too nice to just take to Goodwill. When I started adding it up, I put a lot of money into that wardrobe over the past 3-4 years.
The girl and her mom came over and bought 4 pairs of pants. They looked great on her..... almost made me jealous... Okay, I had to fight the jealously I was feeling inside... She ended up with some nice pants for work, and I ended up with almost $100. I should be excited, right? So, as they were leaving, why did I want to run after them, give them the money, and take my pants back? It's not like I don't still have about 10 more pairs of pants left that I need to sell/give away.... or as the unhealthy side of me thinks - fit back into in a few months.
Please, we don't need more issues! Fiance' doesn't think we're fat. He likes the way we look. If he thinks we look good and our family isn't on our case anymore, shouldn't that help to make being healthy feel more "acceptable" to us? I don't know. It just seems kind of rediculous to me to develop weight issues at this point in my life. I'm only a little bit heavier than I was when I graduated high school and I am wear the same size clothing I did in high school. I didn't have any issues with my weight then.
Don't think I'm going to solve this tonight, and think I could ramble on this topic forever right now. Night folks!
We are not fat. We are 5'8" and weigh 140lbs. According to all those charts, we are a perfect weight for our height and build. We exercise regularly except when school gets too crazy and do our best to eat healthy (well, most of the time). We are healthy.
A year and a half ago I weighed 113lbs and wore a size 0 or 2. We stayed around that size for about 2 years. It wasn't about wanting to be thin - at least at first. We've always been on the thin side. We were in an ongoing major depressive episode for approximately 5 years. Even during our "happy" times we were still depressed. When we get depressed, we lose our appetite and even the thought of eating makes us sick. For several years the weight loss was slow and we stayed around 125lbs. with fluctuations in the level of the depression causing the weight to drop a few pounds.
In the Fall of 2007 a part came forward struggling with some memories involving oral sex and a huge aversion to swallowing anything. Despite therapist working with her on the issue, things only seemed to get worse. By Jan. 2008, we weren't eating anything or drinking much of anything before 6pm (apparently things felt safe after 6pm b/c as a child we were always home by then and no more abuse would occur for the rest of the evening). We worked with this part during our inpatient stay in Feb.-Mar. 2008 and made a lot of progress. I am happy to say being triggered by eating is not something we've struggled with since that stay.
I'm not conviced I do or ever really had an eating disorder, but I do believe a side effect of me being so incredibly thin for so long and getting compliments about my looks from everyone other than my family, made it very challenging for me internally as I began to naturally put weight back on because I was eating regularly again. Giving up my 0 sized clothing wasn't too hard b/c I actually could get back into some of my size 4 clothing that I was sad had become too baggy to wear. Giving up my size 2 clothes was a bit harder. Over the summer and early Fall, I've given up my size 4s for size 6s. I know the average American wears either a size 12 or a size 14, so I'm still well under average, but it's been a hard adjustment.
Until this weekend, I've been holding on to all of my old pants and skirts thinking that one day, I'd fit back into them again.... that maybe this is just a phase and that my "real" weight is skinnier. That I really am a size 4 or a 2.... I must admit that I did not take the initiative to part with my smaller sized clothing and thus commit myself to staying at least at this size. My mother has a friend whose daughter is a size 2-4 and she just landed her first professional job. First jobs don't pay much and she has to dress professionally everyday. Since my mom just helped me purchase enough dress pants in a size 6 for me to wear to work, she thought it was a perfect idea for me to sell my smaller pants that I can no longer wear to this girl for a discounted rate. Makes sense right? I mean, the pants really are too nice to just take to Goodwill. When I started adding it up, I put a lot of money into that wardrobe over the past 3-4 years.
The girl and her mom came over and bought 4 pairs of pants. They looked great on her..... almost made me jealous... Okay, I had to fight the jealously I was feeling inside... She ended up with some nice pants for work, and I ended up with almost $100. I should be excited, right? So, as they were leaving, why did I want to run after them, give them the money, and take my pants back? It's not like I don't still have about 10 more pairs of pants left that I need to sell/give away.... or as the unhealthy side of me thinks - fit back into in a few months.
Please, we don't need more issues! Fiance' doesn't think we're fat. He likes the way we look. If he thinks we look good and our family isn't on our case anymore, shouldn't that help to make being healthy feel more "acceptable" to us? I don't know. It just seems kind of rediculous to me to develop weight issues at this point in my life. I'm only a little bit heavier than I was when I graduated high school and I am wear the same size clothing I did in high school. I didn't have any issues with my weight then.
Don't think I'm going to solve this tonight, and think I could ramble on this topic forever right now. Night folks!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Therapy break is over
Good or bad, we got back into therapy full-swing on Friday. We're not really doing memory work at the moment, but I switched probably 4 times during the session and all of the parts were younger and crying and really looking for comfort from therapist. We are so blessed that our move wasn't so far that we can't make the hour drive to still see her in person once a week. Parts are having a really hard time adjusting to us being in her office once a week even though we still have sessions twice a week.... Friday we reconnected with therapist and I believe parts were reassured that she's not going anywhere and I didn't move us away from her.
I see lots of stuff that's been on hold for the past 6 weeks coming to the front in the next few weeks. I know this is good b/c all the work we do leads to progress, but I can't help but be slightly sad about facing more struggles. I know they are all past struggles that have been held internally by parts for so many years, but to me, they are mostly new.
I didn't take over being forward all of the time until after the abuse ended. It's like I'm learning everything and experiencing it all for the first time. Is it crazy to think that parts of me are stronger than I am? I don't know how they survived what they did, and the more I learn the more I understand why some parts wish they didn't.
Reconciling this world with my past world is sooooooooooooo hard. I don't often let myself have 'pity parties'. I can't see how they do much good. Tonight I just feel like whining though. Tomorrow we'll probably pick things back up and carry on. One more day, one more memory, one more fight. We are doing really well for us, and I am so grateful! We're doing things in our life that 18 months ago seemed impossible. It's amazing. So, why am I still wondering if this will ever end? and will we ever run out of new memories to process or new triggers to uncover? We've made so much progress. Why can't I be happy with that tonight?
Grr. I'm frustrating myself. Think I'm just going to go to bed.
I see lots of stuff that's been on hold for the past 6 weeks coming to the front in the next few weeks. I know this is good b/c all the work we do leads to progress, but I can't help but be slightly sad about facing more struggles. I know they are all past struggles that have been held internally by parts for so many years, but to me, they are mostly new.
I didn't take over being forward all of the time until after the abuse ended. It's like I'm learning everything and experiencing it all for the first time. Is it crazy to think that parts of me are stronger than I am? I don't know how they survived what they did, and the more I learn the more I understand why some parts wish they didn't.
Reconciling this world with my past world is sooooooooooooo hard. I don't often let myself have 'pity parties'. I can't see how they do much good. Tonight I just feel like whining though. Tomorrow we'll probably pick things back up and carry on. One more day, one more memory, one more fight. We are doing really well for us, and I am so grateful! We're doing things in our life that 18 months ago seemed impossible. It's amazing. So, why am I still wondering if this will ever end? and will we ever run out of new memories to process or new triggers to uncover? We've made so much progress. Why can't I be happy with that tonight?
Grr. I'm frustrating myself. Think I'm just going to go to bed.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Smart therapist *May trigger*
So, I guess it's part of the reason I continue to go to therapy... Not only to deal with childhood hurts and current difficulties but also to gain insight and perspective. I must say I am mostly grateful, but sometimes after I talk over something with her, the answer makes so much sense that I wonder why I didn't see it myself?
Today in therapy we talked about the nightmare I had Monday night. After talking over with therapist the dream now makes sense. A lot of the later, more extensive abuse took place in my abuser's basement. The new apt. that I just moved into is in the basement of a house and a family lives in the house upstairs. While my new apartment is completely finished, furnished, and looks nothing like the basement from my childhood, it is very feasible that the literal similarities of being in a basement witn an older man living in the house above us could have majorly triggered parts. Thankfully therapist and I both think these feelings will be passing the longer we stay and see that this situation is a safe one and very different from our childhood memories. The family that owns the house and the apartment have been nothing but great to me. They are safe people and hopefully this will prove to be a great learning experience for all of us.
In the meantime, we will just continue to talk things out in therapy and pray that the nightmares get less and less everynight until they're gone. We also aren't under any contract at this place, so should our symptoms get worse as time goes on (which I highly doubt), we can move out at any point into a new place. I think that's comforting to some inside. We are not trapped in this living situation at all.
We're out of town for the rest of the week and weekend, so maybe when we're back in the apartment Monday night we'll be rested and ready to give the new place a go again.
Today in therapy we talked about the nightmare I had Monday night. After talking over with therapist the dream now makes sense. A lot of the later, more extensive abuse took place in my abuser's basement. The new apt. that I just moved into is in the basement of a house and a family lives in the house upstairs. While my new apartment is completely finished, furnished, and looks nothing like the basement from my childhood, it is very feasible that the literal similarities of being in a basement witn an older man living in the house above us could have majorly triggered parts. Thankfully therapist and I both think these feelings will be passing the longer we stay and see that this situation is a safe one and very different from our childhood memories. The family that owns the house and the apartment have been nothing but great to me. They are safe people and hopefully this will prove to be a great learning experience for all of us.
In the meantime, we will just continue to talk things out in therapy and pray that the nightmares get less and less everynight until they're gone. We also aren't under any contract at this place, so should our symptoms get worse as time goes on (which I highly doubt), we can move out at any point into a new place. I think that's comforting to some inside. We are not trapped in this living situation at all.
We're out of town for the rest of the week and weekend, so maybe when we're back in the apartment Monday night we'll be rested and ready to give the new place a go again.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
First Night Didn't Go so Well
Well, I'm definitely more settled in and have personal effects up now. My new place is really nice and I think we will like it here. However, last night was one of the worst nights of sleep/dreaming we've had in a long time.
Our new apartment is a basement/mother-in-law style apartment in the basement of this family's house where I will be attending church while in this city. They've been nothing but gracious to me and are allowing me to live here for next to nothing. If I wasn't used to substituting random people and random situations into my nightmares, then I think I would feel guilty about last nights dreams on top of how awful the dreams made me feel. Luckily, I can seperate that this was just a dream and has no bearing on the people living upstairs.
This is the part where I talk about the dream. *May be triggering*
I dreamt the man of the household held me captive in my apartment. Except the apartment wasn't in the basement of their house. It was a cabin in the woods. And the man holding me captive was my landlord, but he didn't look like the man who lives upstairs in this house. He used me and abused me. I have pictures in my mind of him raping me that are so vivid, that if I hadn't been an adult in my dream and know for a fact nothing has happened to me as an adult, I would swear these were real memories resurfacing.
I was able to escape at some point. In my dream, I told my mother (something I never did as a child or would have done in the past) and they moved me out immediately promising to find me a safer place to live. This part of the dream was validating, but I remember feeling so traumatized by the time that I was rescued that it didn't feel it mattered.
I woke up a few times during the night but was never able to stop the dream. The dream either picked up where it left off or started over again. It's been a long time since we've had a traumatic dream that appeared to take place in the present. I was so drained this morning and so overwhelmed by all the feelings and images, I wasn't able to get out of bed until noon today. Thankfully, today was just a day of unpacking, so it didn't matter much.
Really praying tonight's sleep is better. If we start a pattern of nightmares at the beginning of sleeping in this new place, then it will never feel safe to lots of parts inside and we really need home to be a safe place.
Our new apartment is a basement/mother-in-law style apartment in the basement of this family's house where I will be attending church while in this city. They've been nothing but gracious to me and are allowing me to live here for next to nothing. If I wasn't used to substituting random people and random situations into my nightmares, then I think I would feel guilty about last nights dreams on top of how awful the dreams made me feel. Luckily, I can seperate that this was just a dream and has no bearing on the people living upstairs.
This is the part where I talk about the dream. *May be triggering*
I dreamt the man of the household held me captive in my apartment. Except the apartment wasn't in the basement of their house. It was a cabin in the woods. And the man holding me captive was my landlord, but he didn't look like the man who lives upstairs in this house. He used me and abused me. I have pictures in my mind of him raping me that are so vivid, that if I hadn't been an adult in my dream and know for a fact nothing has happened to me as an adult, I would swear these were real memories resurfacing.
I was able to escape at some point. In my dream, I told my mother (something I never did as a child or would have done in the past) and they moved me out immediately promising to find me a safer place to live. This part of the dream was validating, but I remember feeling so traumatized by the time that I was rescued that it didn't feel it mattered.
I woke up a few times during the night but was never able to stop the dream. The dream either picked up where it left off or started over again. It's been a long time since we've had a traumatic dream that appeared to take place in the present. I was so drained this morning and so overwhelmed by all the feelings and images, I wasn't able to get out of bed until noon today. Thankfully, today was just a day of unpacking, so it didn't matter much.
Really praying tonight's sleep is better. If we start a pattern of nightmares at the beginning of sleeping in this new place, then it will never feel safe to lots of parts inside and we really need home to be a safe place.
Monday, August 17, 2009
rough therapy session
So I got up the nerve to ask therapist to read the blog entry about Thursday night's bed wetting incident. It felt easier to us for her to already know the incident rather than have to try to tell her. At the same time, this meant that, of course, today's session focused on the incident, the triggers, and the memories behind it.
Wow! I totally got the wind knocked out of me by today's session. I had no clue about who had felt triggered, what the trigger was or any idea about the memories associated with it when I showed up for the session. Within the first five minutes a nine year old part was forward in tears apologizing and explaining how it was an automatic reaction to certain physical sensations and feelings. Apparently the dream we were having that night triggered her and her extreme fear triggered the physical response of wetting the bed.
With some coaxing, therapist was able to have the younger part share the memories related to this trigger response. Knowing the story behind the response, it does make perfect sense, and it explains other incidences throughout my life (not all wetting the bed) that I've never been able to understand why we responded the way we did..... and especially why I responded a certain way to something I thought I had no experience with. It's so weird. They're new memories to me and need to be processed, but they make pieces of my life make more sense. Memories like these are relieving b/c they fill in gaps and sooooooo painful because they continue to solidify our past, in addition to just being painful to look at, think about, and process.
Among all of us, I think our tears ran almost solid for about 4 hours tonight. It's been awhile since we've cried that hard and that long about something. I so wished my fiance' was around tonight so he could comfort me and make me feel safe, but at the same time I was so glad he was far away and couldn't see me like that. As much progress as we're making in self-esteem and trusting him, there's still a fear that the first time he really sees us struggling (even if it's just for a few hours), he's going to change his mind. Those that know me in real life, say this is an unfounded fear. I don't think I'll be able to shake it until I see how he really does respond, but at the same time I don't want to see it on the chance it's not what I want/need.
And this loops back into the ever present struggle of whether it's better to deal with things on your own knowing you can look people in the eyes b/c they don't know your dark secrets, or reaching out for help and support and risking being let down and/or embarrassed. I am learning that talking and not doing things alone really is easier and better, and that I don't give the people in my life enough credit for what they are capable of handling. At the same time, there's always that feeling that the next issue may be the one to push them over the edge.
I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling now. I really do use this blog like my personal journal rather than thinking about what I'm going to write and posting it in a succinct and to the point manner. *Sigh.* Bedtime.
Wow! I totally got the wind knocked out of me by today's session. I had no clue about who had felt triggered, what the trigger was or any idea about the memories associated with it when I showed up for the session. Within the first five minutes a nine year old part was forward in tears apologizing and explaining how it was an automatic reaction to certain physical sensations and feelings. Apparently the dream we were having that night triggered her and her extreme fear triggered the physical response of wetting the bed.
With some coaxing, therapist was able to have the younger part share the memories related to this trigger response. Knowing the story behind the response, it does make perfect sense, and it explains other incidences throughout my life (not all wetting the bed) that I've never been able to understand why we responded the way we did..... and especially why I responded a certain way to something I thought I had no experience with. It's so weird. They're new memories to me and need to be processed, but they make pieces of my life make more sense. Memories like these are relieving b/c they fill in gaps and sooooooo painful because they continue to solidify our past, in addition to just being painful to look at, think about, and process.
Among all of us, I think our tears ran almost solid for about 4 hours tonight. It's been awhile since we've cried that hard and that long about something. I so wished my fiance' was around tonight so he could comfort me and make me feel safe, but at the same time I was so glad he was far away and couldn't see me like that. As much progress as we're making in self-esteem and trusting him, there's still a fear that the first time he really sees us struggling (even if it's just for a few hours), he's going to change his mind. Those that know me in real life, say this is an unfounded fear. I don't think I'll be able to shake it until I see how he really does respond, but at the same time I don't want to see it on the chance it's not what I want/need.
And this loops back into the ever present struggle of whether it's better to deal with things on your own knowing you can look people in the eyes b/c they don't know your dark secrets, or reaching out for help and support and risking being let down and/or embarrassed. I am learning that talking and not doing things alone really is easier and better, and that I don't give the people in my life enough credit for what they are capable of handling. At the same time, there's always that feeling that the next issue may be the one to push them over the edge.
I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling now. I really do use this blog like my personal journal rather than thinking about what I'm going to write and posting it in a succinct and to the point manner. *Sigh.* Bedtime.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Embarrassed
So, I'm embarrassed about a situation last night to the point that we don't want to tell our therapist. We don't think she'll condemn us, but we don't know she can give us the validation we're looking for. Besides that, the body is 28, things like this shouldn't happen. I've even debated writing here. I'm anonymous to most of you but not all of you, so it still feels a risk posting here. However, I am so desperate for some understanding or validation or coping skill so I can make sure it doesn't happen again.
So, I wet the bed last night. Not just a little. The kind where I woke myself up and had to run to the restroom, then strip my bed, find towels to try and dry my mattress, and then clean everything today. We haven't wet the bed since we were a child. I don't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but it wasn't a nightmare or memory. I'm vaguely having a childhood memory in bits and pieces that may have something to do with it. It's not a full memory yet, and I don't know whose it is yet. What I find odd, is usually when my body responds physically to a trigger when I'm sleeping, I'm actively having the dream too.
All I can think about today is how thankful I am that I was not sharing my bed with anyone last night. Also, I keep thinking that I'm getting married in 9 months. How embarrassing if this happens after I get married!?!??!?!??!?! I know I need to talk to therapist about this. Maybe we'll get the courage by Monday. I just don't really want to talk about this to anyone face to face. I feel sooooooo embarrassed.
I mean, seriously, does any other 28 year old wet the bed?
So, I wet the bed last night. Not just a little. The kind where I woke myself up and had to run to the restroom, then strip my bed, find towels to try and dry my mattress, and then clean everything today. We haven't wet the bed since we were a child. I don't remember exactly what I was dreaming about, but it wasn't a nightmare or memory. I'm vaguely having a childhood memory in bits and pieces that may have something to do with it. It's not a full memory yet, and I don't know whose it is yet. What I find odd, is usually when my body responds physically to a trigger when I'm sleeping, I'm actively having the dream too.
All I can think about today is how thankful I am that I was not sharing my bed with anyone last night. Also, I keep thinking that I'm getting married in 9 months. How embarrassing if this happens after I get married!?!??!?!??!?! I know I need to talk to therapist about this. Maybe we'll get the courage by Monday. I just don't really want to talk about this to anyone face to face. I feel sooooooo embarrassed.
I mean, seriously, does any other 28 year old wet the bed?
Friday, March 20, 2009
Flashes
Red boa. Red lipstick. I'm cold. Lots of flashes of light coming from the dark. Lights shining bright on me. Darkness in front of me beyond the lights. Someone is ordering me around, but the words are too distant. I can't hear them. I'm moving around but staying in the same place.
And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.
And that is all I know right now. Since yesterday evening I've been plagued by what I assume is part of a memory for someone inside. I don't understand it right now. I don't really want to, but I don't think it's going away. Ugh.
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