Sunday, December 13, 2009

Good Talk

Fiancee and I had a really good talk yesterday afternoon after I got my nice vent out here on my blog. I was able to figure out what I really wanted from him and how I wanted to say it. The conversation went really well, and while he was aware of some things, he really was clueless about some of the things that had been hurting my feelings. Hopefully he also understands now that I need periodic reassurance that he is still happy he chose me and he wants to marry me over continuing to be a bachelor. I don't want to take him away from his friends totally, but I needed to know we were on the same page as far as what our engagement meant to each of us and how we see things after we're married.

We also laid the groundwork for us to continue talks about therapy and why it is helpful for me and will hopefully naturally lead into explaining DID at the right time. Yesterday we spent time mostly just explaining to him why I'm in therapy "still" and how it is helpful. Because he came into my life after I stopped self-injuring and was no longer having suicidal ideations, he's not seen a lot of things that I/we've dealt with, and as a result, he struggles to understand why I'm in therapy at all. I love that he sees me as one of the strongest women he's ever met, but I also want him to see that I am vulnerable and not near as self-assured as I appear. I also began to explain PTSD to him in the sense how everyday "normal life" events can at times be more overwhelming for me than other people because they trigger old memories, flashbacks, or messages from the abuser and things feel compounded. I talked about how at these times it's hard to seperate past from present, and that these issues are things I'm still currently working on in therapy. I summed things up by saying that therapy now is not crisis therapy to help me stay alive. It is now therapy to help me live the life I want to live and not be inhibited by a past that wants to cling to me like an old tattoo you wish you'd never gotten.

I know there is much more to tell him and help him understand. However, he's only been home for a week and he's still struggling with sleep deprivation and adjusting to life being home. We have plenty of time. Plus, letting him process what I've told him so far will help him take in more info later.

It feels so much better to feel on the same page with him again and to have my feelings validated and some questions answered. I also hope our conversation will help him feel able to come to me if/when he has issues with me. As much as I try to be, I know I am far from perfect, so I hope he will return the favor when necessary.

Whew! It's nice to just feel happy for a bit again.

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