Wednesday, July 28, 2010

This is Who I Am

My last several posts have dealt with 8 lies that many trauma survivors believe as a result of satan's lies. And while I took time in each of those to refute those lies, I thought it might be good to wrap up this little segment putting all of the truths together.



I am a friend of the Almighty God of heave and earth. (John 15:15)
Jesus is not ashamed to call me his sister/brother. (Hebrews 2:11)
I am chosen by God, holy and without fault in His eyes. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am an heir to the riches of the Creator of the universe. (Galatians 4:7)

I have been rightly called a child of God. (John 1:12)
God has made me His salt and light in the world. (Matthew 5:13-14)
I am an eternal being and will never perish. (John 3:16)

I am no longer condemned. (Romans 8:1)
I have been justified before the righteous Judge. (Romans 5:1)
I am at peace with God. (Romans 5:1)
God no longer remembers my sins. (Hebrews 10:17)

God loves me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3)
I am God's temple, bought at a great price. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
God knows, chose, called, justified, and glorified me. (Romans 8:29-30)


I am accepted in Christ. (Ephesians 1:6)
I am a chosen, costly, living stone in God's building. (1 Peter 2:4-5)
I have bold, unrestricted access to God's throne of grace. (Hebrews 4:16)


God has given me the spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
God's Spirit in me is greater than any unholy spirits in the world. (1 John 4:4)
I am born of God and believe in Jesus - I'm a world-overcomer. (1 John 5:4-5)

I am loved by God and nothing will keep us apart. (Romans 8:38-39)
I am loved supremely - enough for God to die for me. (John 15:13)
I am loved unconditionally, even when I sin. (Romans 5:8)

I am intimately attached to Christ and bearing fruit. (John 15:5)
I am a member of God's eternal family. (Galatians 3:26)
Christ is as close to me as my heart and lungs. (Galatians 2:20)
I am part of Christ's body with millions of brothers & sisters. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am an eternal member of God's Kingdom and household. (Ephesians 2:19)

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I admitted in therapy today that I've basically been bringing BS stuff to talk about to session for the past few weeks. I didn't know I was even going there today, and I wanted to kick myself the minute I said it. Therapist is so great about letting me talk about whatever I need to - big or small. But if she finds out the smaller stuff or maybe a better term is the stuff I could just talk to friends and family about to sessions as a means of avoiding other stuff, she gets really good at calling me on my BS. ugh!

I feel stuck in a Catch 22 right now that I never anticipated. On the one hand, it's so nice to feel good more often than I feel bad, to only "ride the crazy train" occassionally and usually only for a few hours at a time, to be free of self-injury impulses, to be able to think clearly and live in the present mentally and emotionally. On the other hand, there is much unfinished business with some parts inside that got put on hold last summer when I got engaged b/c the topic of marriage, guys, sex, and fears surrounding all of those issues to precedence. Those were absolutely not a waste of therapy sessions. Without that hard work on those issues, I don't think married life would be going as smoothly as it is right now with far fewer triggers than I ever anticipated.

Now, however, those issues have been worked with and are under control, so the natural course of action would be to go back to the stuff that got put on the back burner for awhile in order to continue in the healing process for all parts inside. Just the thought of this scares the sh*t out of me! I had the same reaction today with therapist that I had with husband a week or so ago when he asked if I was still planning to get off of my anti-depressant. It's not that I don't want to continue to get better or be med free, but right now both of those options send panic through my entire body that I'm going to struggle again like we were from 2003-2008. My brain says, I can't go through that again!!!!!

As therapist reminded me though, if I ingore the pain of other parts and make them feel they are not allowed to have a voice anymore, the repercussions may be much worse. Someone may store up their energy and take over b/c they can't just keep holding on anymore. I could find myself in an unanticipated crisis situation just from ignoring parts inside. Therapist thinks that while it's going to be crazy tough, I'm not necessarily bound for suicidal alley again as we work through another part's issues. She says my hope and strength from coming through my stuff can feed into them just as their emotions feed into me. I pray that she's right.

So now, here I sit feeling stuck. I continue on as I have been and I feel good but I definitely risk an uprising inside, or I start back into the difficult work that can be so overwhelming trying to keep the mindset that the goal is to get all parts "to the other side" of their trauma. Catch 22.

For the past week I've been posting Lies that satan tells trauma victims. Everything I've been posting is from my heart and I believe it to be true. The problem with DID is that I don't even have all of myself on board into believing it's true. It's like witnessing about Christ to 19 different people at one time except they're all in your head and they're all skeptical. I know God is the only reason I made it to this okay place, and now my challenge is to help them see that God will carry other parts of me through as well. While in the meantime, being a wife, a friend, going to work, and wanting to minister to people outside of my head.

God can do all things. I do not doubt that for one second. What I doubt are parts of me accepting that when all they've known is truama. And to do memory work again without God seems wreckless. How does anyone heal from their trauma without God? But I know I'm getting to a point where it can't continue to sit on the back burner anymore.

Lie # 8 - Separated

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are alone and you should stay that way.
2. No one wants you around.
3. You shouldn't be such a bother to other people.
4. People wish you weren't here.
5. You should go someplace else.

Your true identity: CONNECTED

And you are connected in two realms...


John 15:5 - I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

Jesus' picture of our connectedness to him views us as branches fed by him and fused together with him. His connectedness to us is what allows us to show others him and be the people we want to be.

Galatians 3:26 - For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Assuming you had a healthy relationship with your parents or you are now a parent of your own, you understand the connection between a child and his/her parents. If you are a parent, you understand the unconditional love that you feel for your child and a connection to that child that cannot be explained. As children of God, he feels that same connectedness to us that never changes on his end and he is always longing for that connectedness with us.

Galatians 2:20 - I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.

I don't know a way to be more connected to Christ than to have him living in you.


1 Corinthians 12:27 - All of you together are Christ's body, and each of you is a part of it.

If you read this chapter more fully, it goes on to talk about how we are not all the same part of Christ's body b/c we all have different talents and gifts. However, a body only functions well when all members are present and connected. It works the same with a body of Christians. Your brothers and sisters in Christ can provide encouragement and help to you and also give you an opportunity to return the favor.. to challenge and encourage one another. If you're not in a place where you can have a congregational church family, keep in mind that all Christians are your brothers and sisters and you can reach out via phone, e-mail, Skype, etc. In my own opinion, this connectedness is only second to that of your connection with Christ. Who better to support your and spur you along than others who are striving for the same connectedness with Christ?

Ephesians 2:19 - You are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household.

God has made us citizens in his eternal world and called us members of his household. What greater connectedness could we ask for?

You are NOT alone or disconnected. Through Christ you are more connected than you can ever imagine!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Lie # 7 - Unlovable

Lies of the enemy:
1. Who would ever love you?
2. You're so ugly and boring.
3. You are beyond being loved, by God, by your family, or by anyone.
4. You really have no redeeming qualities.
5. If people knew the real you, they'd hate you.

This lie is something I struggled with even after husband proposed to me. I've always had such a fear that if anyone got to know the "real me", there is no way they could love me. I questioned him all the time to make sure he didn't feel I was somehow "tricking" him into marry me. I've felt this way with most relationships in my life. I think it's why I work overtime to be "likable" to everyone. Time and time again husband, therapist, and a few friends have proven to me that they still love me even in my most 'unlovable' moments.

If humans are capable of such unconditional love, how much more does our heavenly Father love us no matter what???

Your true identity: LOVABLE

Romans 8:38,39 - For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

These two verses list 10 things that CANNOT separate us from the love God has for us. Reading over this list it reminds me of the no loop holes safety contracts I used to have to make when I was greatly struggling with self-injury. Except in this case, it's a no loop holes God loves us unconditionally and forever.

John 15:13 - Greater love has no one than this, that one lay down his life for his friends.

Romans 5:8 - But God shows His great love for us in this way: Christ died for us while we were still sinners.

There are a few people on this planet that I love deeply enough I would gladly lay down my life for them and a few others that I would lay my life down for (maybe just not as gladly ;) ). I honestly don't know that I would lay my life down for a stranger, someone who treated me horribly, or someone who wasn't even born yet. But this is exactly what Jesus did. He loved each of us so much, he chose to die for our sins despite us not existing yet, despite the sins we as humans will naturally commit, and whether or not we choose to accept him. He loves us so much that he died for us whether we choose to love him back or not.

Zephaniah 3:17 - For the Lord your God has arrived to live among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will give you victory. He will rejoice over you with great gladness; He will love you and not accuse you. Is that a joyous choir I hear? No, it is the Lord Himself exulting over you in happy song.

Again, numerous things in this verse that the Lord does out of love for us: live among us, give us victory, rejoice over us, love us, not accuse us, exult over us.

I know I will never fully grasp it, but understanding God's unconditional love and how great it is, gives me the warm feeling inside that sometimes I try so hard to get from other people. I think letting God's love fill me more will feel a need I look for in others in ways that others could never provide.

This is not to say the love of others is not incredibly important and vital to happy living, but God's love is unfailing. Even the person on this planet who loves you the most will fail you from time to time. Seeking a higher love to be my main love, helps me to keep this world into perspective and pay attention to what really matters.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lie # 6 - Powerless

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are weak.
2. You are damaged goods.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. How helpless can one person be?
5. Someone's always got to take care of and/or clean up the messes you make.

Ouch.... but how many of these can you relate to. I feel like I'm making good progress in my healing. I feel like I have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm also a long way from where I started. Yet, going through this Bible Study, I am seeing so many lies that I still believe. Despite improved self-esteem and self-confidence, it's surprising how many of the lies we've talked about so far that I still find myself believing to be true. It just goes to show how sneaky satan is to still slip things like this into our thinking even when you know you're on the right track. Praise God for Bible studies like these and good friends who help continue to point things out to you so you can let go of the lies and continue to embrace the you that you really are.

Your true identity: POWERFUL

2 Timothy 1:7 - For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Debilitating fear that leaves us powerless is not from God. While in my personal opinion, I do not believe that fear is a sin nor does God get angry at us for it, fear that keeps us from acting is not of Him. Courage and power does not mean fear is not allowed (although if my faith in God was always strong enough, I probably wouldn't have fear), but it means we fight on and push through our fears because we know our Creator is stronger than whatever we face here on the planet. God gives us his power and that power is strong enough to overcome anything!

1 John 4:4 - You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you that he who is in the world.

"He who is in the world" in this context refers to satan and his allies. Isn't reassuring to hear straight from the Bible that God in us is greater than anything else we may encounter and he has already overcome!?!?!??!

1 John 5:4-5 - For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the son of God.

Believing and trusting in something that you can't blatantly see requires a lot of faith. The best way I know to tell people who struggle b/c they say they can't see God is to try to show her/him how he's in everything - just not in the ways we're used to. He's in a warm hug from a friend, a daisy in a sidewalk, he's in the wind, the fire at a cookout... and on and on... God created everything and is in everything. With this thought, it amazes me that to overcome the world, all I have to do is believe that Jesus is the son of God and try to live my life for him.

Trauma - past or current makes you feel powerless.... powerless to stop what's happening to you, what you're being forced to do, and powerless to control all of the feelings and emotions that accompany the trauma. But this "weakness" is only temporary in Christ Jesus. He can strengthen you here on this planet and there will be no weakness in you in Heaven. When Jesus was taken into custody, flogged, tortured and crucified, you can bet he was weak physically, mentally, and emotionally. But it was only temporary. God rescued him like he will rescue us. Also, those experiences mean Jesus knows exactly what it's like to be backed up against a wall and holding on for dear life. He truly can understand your pain and suffering. All God asked of Jesus during that time was to hold on. His power would be restored to him at the proper time. You may be feeling week now, and maybe all God is asking of you is to hold on. He will always come through. He NEVER fails.

Truth # 6 You are POWERFUL!!

Quick update

Sorry for not being able to Post Lie #6 yesterday. I will make that post today. Yesterday morning I took my Praxis 2 test (ugh). I'm pretty sure I passed but it was a lot harder than the practice test GTS offered with their study book.

When I got home from my test about 1:30pm, husband was waiting for me with an afternoon and evening of surprises..... our only 2nd real date since getting married 2 months ago today! He had rented us a wave runner for the afternoon at a nearby lake and then took me out to eat at a restaurant downtown in the nearest large city. I had a blast!!!!!! I only got pulled over by the "lake police" once and managed to chase a bird across the water and catch up with it enough that the bird dove into the water and stayed under for about 15 seconds before resurfacing rather than just flying up and away. Yeah, I like to drive a little crazy on wave runners.

Anyways, because of the sweet and awesome day my husband planned, I didn't get to blog yesterday. I'll have plenty of time to make up for it though because he leaves tonight for training on the other side of the country for a month. :(

I'm loving having him around all the time so being apart for a month with virtually no communication is NOT going to be fun. Thankfully I have stuff to keep me busy and a friend from out of state may come and stay with me for a few days.

Anyways.... Time to catch up on my other postings.

Oh.... I want to get a big shout out to Tempy for my new blog layout. I love it and could never have done something this cool myself!!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Lie # 5 - Rejected

Lies of the enemy:
1. You're a failure.
2. You're such a loser.
3. No one wants you.
4. You're not qualified.
5. Everyone else is better than you.

Your true identity: ACCEPTED

Ephesians 1:6 - To the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.

Beloved in this instance refers to Christ. God's grace makes us accepted in Christ, and who greater is there to accept us?

1 Peter 2: 4-5 - As you come to Him, the living Stone - rejected by men but chosen by God and precious to Him - you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Jesus, the son of the living God, was rejected by mankind, but he was always seen as chosen and precious and accepted by the Father. In the same way, God has chosen all of us. Whether the people in your life accept and love you or whether like Christ, you have been rejected and outcast, your acceptance with the Holy Father is still the same and is unconditional. In addition, God recognizes the hardships you are going through while remaining faithful to them. He counts these as spiritual sacrifices and sees these as acceptable as well. Your struggles are acceptable to Christ.

Hebrews 4:16 - Let us therefore come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

I don't know about you, but I rarely approach anything boldly. I'm getting better, but typically, I prefer to timidly approach things and test the water before getting too close. Hebrews states that we are to come boldly before the Lord and obtain..... What I gather from this is that we are so completely and fully accepted by God we can come to him like a child does to a loving parent and boldly as for and get the things that we need without fear.

You are never rejected by the Father. You are ACCEPTED by the only one whose acceptance really matters.

a side note

I need to step away from the blog format of the past 4 days to throw in an extra entry b/c I'm not sure where else to talk about it. For those of you keeping up with the Eight Lies Most Trauma survivors believe, Lie #5 will be posted later this afternoon.

A classmate and aquaintance of mine (we're friends in class and on FB, but we don't hang out in real life) recently lost her husband in Afghanistan. I only found out about it this morning b/c it's summer, and I haven't really seen or talked to her all summer. I am heartbroken for her. She is a widow at the age of 25 with a 4 year older daughter, a 2 year old daughter, and a 2 month old daughter.

It can be easy at times to play the "army wife". I go to my FRG meetings and am polite and sociable. This morning I went on the Family Fun Run where families of my husband's batallion run 2 miles with their soldier. I'll meet a gazillion people I won't remember tonight at a Hail and Farewell..... Sometimes I can almost forget how in 6 months he'll be in mortal danger everyday again when he deploys.... how precious and fragile life is....

I'm sad that he leaves Sunday for a month for training, but I'm not worried about his safety. He's not leaving the States. I will miss him, but he'll come home. But there's nothing similar to the death of a soldier that you knew or watching someone grieve their husband for our freedom.

How can I ache so badly from a situation that I am so removed from? And the thought of something happening to my husband when he deploys again..... well, I can't even go there... I know it's good that I don't on a regular basis. Most soldiers come home safe and sound, but it is very very sobering to be reminded of all of the men and women (including my husband) whose job by nature asks them to risks their lives daily and that not all of them will come home.

Sorry to be riding the depressing train this morning, but this didn't seem like crisis enough to contact T and it's hard to talk to hubby b/c he just wants to tell me not to worry.

Somebody please tell me again why I let love convince me I was strong enough to be an Army wife????

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Lie # 4 - Devalued

Lies of the enemy:
1. No one needs you.
2. You're not good enough.
3. You don't have anything useful to say.
4. You are absolutely worthless.
5. You really suck!

How many of these can you relate to or how many more of your own can you add to the list? Praise God this list too is a lie.

The truth is that we are VALUED by God and his thoughts and feelings about us are greater than any other's in the entire universe.

Jeremiah 31:3 - The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."

God not only loves us forever (past and future) but also is working to draw us near to him because he values us so much.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 - Don't you realize that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor your body.

When Israel was strong and before Christ came, the Temple in Jerusalem was the one place on earth where God was manifested and represented. (Side note - it took Solomon 20+ years to build God's Temple in Jerusalem) It was the most magnificent and expensive building on the planet at the time for that reason. Since Christ's resurrection, God has chosen us to be his Temple and has chosen to manifest himself in each one of us. In addition, he wanted to use us as his earthly dwelling place so badly, he sent his own son to die for our sins so we could be pure enough for God to dwell in us. With this frame of reference, it makes it difficult to see myself as invaluable if I am the vessel in which God chooses to dwell on this planet, and the same is true for you!

Romans 8:29-30 - For God knew His people in advance, and He chose them to become like His Son, so that His Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, He called them to come to Him. And having called them, He gave them right standing with Himself. And having given them right standing, He gave them his glory.

So, God CHOSE us well before we were born to become like Christ and to be his sisters and brothers and be given God's right standing and GLORY!!!! When you think of any earthly glory you may receive - an honor from the President of your Country, the Nobel Peace Prize, a military award...... anything that is awe inspiring.... NONE of this even begin to compare to the glory of God which he is freely giving to you because you are his valued child.

Bottom line: YOU HAVE GREAT VALUE!!!!!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

template issues

Sorry about the crazy blog layout. I got a messages from the cutest blog on the block saying my layout was going to be taken down on Friday and I needed to pick a new one. In the midsts of doing so, their website went down for maintenance for the next few hours. Bear with me, and I'll try to get things more readable again soon.


Lie # 3 - Accused/Guilty

Lies of the enemy (satan):
1. You really blew it.
2. You're unforgivable.
3. You can't do anything right.
4. You need to be punished.
5. You can't be trusted.
6. Everyone knows what a hypocrite you are.

So how many of these can you relate to. I think this is one of the hardest lies for me to overcome. I can identify with all of these, except I might change the last one to read more like, "everyone will leave you and hate you when they find out what a hypocrite you are." B/c see, I'm really good at "pretending to be nice and kind and good". When people finally see the real me, I expect it will be like those old horror films where the lady covers her face with her hands, screams a blood curdling scream, and runs away.... and then I can say to anyone who thought they knew me "see, told you so."

I've been working hard on this one. Owning up to mistakes and sin when I should but also learning how to not own up to things or take the blame for things that I am innocent of. I think this is an important step in placing the blame of the childhood abuse where it belongs and being able to see myself as I truly am. Although, I'm also learning that if I'm not viewing myself through God's eyes, I will never be able to see myself as I truly am.

So, whether you're like me and on the road to letting go of guilt (some days I do handle this better than others) or you're in a place where guilt is overtaking you. There is hope. Whether everything that has happened to you has been your fault (which I assure you it has not) or none of it was your fault, Jesus Christ offers:


Romans 8:1 - Therefore there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

NO condemnation. If you have confessed the sin to God and are repentant, he will not continue to hold it against you or condemn you for it. It doesn't mean that there won't still be consequences, but you are not bound by it forever.

Romans 5:1 - Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.

In this sense, Justified means "declared not guilty". Jesus's death on the cross covered all of your sins and washed them away. You are seen to God as a sinless creature because of the blood of Jesus.

Hebrews 10:17 - Their sins and lawless acts I will remember no more.

How awesome is that? When you bring your sins before the Lord and ask for forgiveness, not only does he offer immediate and loving forgiveness, he wipes the sin from his memory. So, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years, 200 years down the road when you say, "Hey God, remember that time I _____________________ . I'm still feeling really guilty about it." He will say, "I don't know what you're talking about." Because he forgave you, let it go, and is just loving being in a relationship with you.

You are not guilty, hated, disgusting, awful, or any other word you want to use to fill in the blank.

You are loved and FORGIVEN!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Lie # 2 - Unimportant

Lies of the enemy (aka satan):
1. Your input is unnecessary.
2. You're just taking up oxygen on this planet.
3. Go sit on the sidelines.
4. Don't call us. We'll call you.
5. What have you really accomplished with your life?
6. You don't really have anything good to offer anyone.

Like yesterday, I'm sure you and I can come up with many more that are not on the above list that feed into our belief that we are unimportant. Praise God that this too is a lie.

The truth says we are IMPORTANT!!

John 1:12 - But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.

God gave you the right to be his child. He gave no other creature, plant, or any living being on this planet this gift. How special does it make you that you have the right to be his child?

Matthew 5:13 - You are the salt of the earth.
Matthew 5:14 - You are the light of the world. A city on a hill that cannot be hidden.

You are the vessel God chose through which to show His flavors and colors to the world. What a responsibility and an honor! God is so thoughtful in everything that he did not make this choice lightly.

John 3:16 - For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

You are so important that God sent his Son to die for you even before you knew who he was.... thousands of years before you were born. He died for people who hated him. And while he did die for the whole world, he still would have given his life if you were the only one. That's how important you are to him.

God may be using the current struggles in your life as a way to refine you. While he did not cause your pain, He will definitely use your struggle to healing as a way to make you stronger, and place you an a unique position to help others who may be on the same path as you. Throughout the Bible, the men and women who were significantly used by God were wounded in some severe way. You may still be in the midst of your fire and dealing with open wounds. There are evil forces doing their best to propel our world into chaos and one of the most effective and easiest ways for them to do so is to convince you that you don't matter. But this is a lie.


Monday, July 19, 2010

Eight lies trauma survivors typically believe

I'm doing a Bible Study right now geared towards trauma survivors. It's not really geared towards survivors of childhood sexual abuse, but just trauma in general. This week's study is on eight lies that satan feeds everyone who's suffered a traumatic event and/or has a traumatic disorder. I found each of these to be so true in my case, I thought I'd take the next 8 days and post one a day. My Bible study also gives scriptures that refute satan's lies, so I'll share those as well. The more and more I grow and learn and study, I am learning that satan gets me most when I keep quiet about things and do not bring them to light.... especially if I think they are bad things about me. These are the times he can plant deep seeds that can grow and fester and keep us from realizing our true identity, potential, strength, and beauty.

Lie #1 - Disregarded

Lies of the enemy:
1. You are a nobody.
2. No one cares about you. Why should they?
3. No one wants to know you.
4. You don't deserve the respect that others get.
5. You are such a fraud.
6. Who do you think you are, anyway?

I can't speak for any of you, but I know I've told myself each of these at one point in my life and most multiple times plus others that aren't even on this list. PRAISE GOD that these are all lies though! They are small and easy ways for satan to manipulate us and living in a fallen world, he uses other people, coincidental circumstances, our own negative self-talk and anything else he can possibly use to increase our belief that any or all of these lies are actually truth.

God says something very different about us in His word though. God says we are

John 15:15 - I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from My Father I have made known to you.

Jesus Christ, the Son of God, calls you his friend.

Hebrews 2:11 - So now Jesus and the ones He makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them His brothers and sisters.

Jesus Christ is not ashamed to call you his brother or sister.

Ephesians 1:4 - Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.

You were known, loved, and chosen by God before the world was created!

Galatians 4:7 - Now you are no longer a slave but God's own child. And since you are His child, God has made you His heir.
You are God's child and also His heir.


Check back tomorrow. I'll post Lie #2 and the truths to refute it.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

First time being pissed with hubby

Hubby and I are supposed to have a real date night tonight. We haven't had a real date night since we got married. I've been looking forward to it all week. He told me earlier in the week that he had to work a little bit today, which was fine. I needed to clean the house anyways. My family is coming for the day tomorrow. When he left this morning, he said he'd be home by 1pm. It's 5pm and he just called to say he's on his way home. I texted him a little after 3pm to ask him if I should be worried or mad at him that he hadn't even sent me a text to tell me he was going to be late. He responded sorry and that he'd call on his way home.

So, now he's coming home and I know he knows he's in the dog house, but I'm curious if he'll understand why. It's not that he had to work all day. It's that my time and my day isn't important enough to him for him to let me know his plans have changed. It's that date night might be off, and if it's not, I have to be the one to drop the bad mood or we'll both be miserable and it will be a waste of going out and money.

Glad to see I can be really pissed at him and know without a doubt we'll get past it and I'll get over it, but it really sucks right now. One thing I did learn is that when you do finally develop self-esteem, it's hard to lose.. LOL.... I think I feel pissed b/c I feel my time, my feelings, my thoughts deserve more than what hubby gave them today..... Jigga what?? I deserve more than what someone chooses to give me???

Huh, guess therapy's working after all.... ;)

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Things I've learned this week

I've learned a lot internally in the past several days.

1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P

2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.

3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.

Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......

Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?

Friday, July 9, 2010


When you have horriffic nightmares every night for years, you are so sure you will never forget what those nights are like and what they do to you... At least that's how I felt. When my nightly nightmares stopped, I was thrilled but was confident I would always remember how horrible they are so I could be grateful for every good night up sleep I get now.

Well, I was totally wrong. I had horrible nightmares last night for the first time in a long time, and I am wiped today. I feel anxious and depressed. I can't stop thinking about my dreams last night. It's amazing how time can help you forget how awful something truly was. Feeling like this today does make it easier to remember why every day was sooooooooooo hard for soooooo long and I felt like I was NEVER going to get relief.

I know I am blessed now in that I typically don't have nightmares two nights in a row and b/c I don't have to be anywhere today so I can just be. But I hate feeling on the verge of tears, depressed and wanting to "justify, explain, argue" the things in my dreams last night. It feels rediculous. The dream was not a memory but a lot of the feelings resulting from the dream can be related to old memories and feelings. And who am I wanting to explain and defend myself to? No one saw the dream but me and it wasn't real.

I didn't get out of bed until noon today, and I know that's a recipie for disaster for me, but I was just so exhausted from the lack of peacful sleep from the night that i couldn't get up when my alarm clock went off. My felt like a lead weight and my eye lids were soooo heavy. So, I didn't fight it today and I gave in to trying to get a small amount of sleep. It did help me feel more rested but I don't think it helped the depression I'm feeling today. blah.

It doesn't help that I will feel guilty tonight from not doing anything today. I mean, I could at least get out and go to the grocery store but the thought of that makes me want to cry. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day. Why does doing what feels comforting when you're feeling bad lead to guilt that I should have done more today - at least the bare minimum?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Triggers verses Reminders

Therapist and I had a good conversation today about the differences between triggers and reminders. Sometimes I think my words confuse the two even though my feelings and my body know there is a drastic difference.


The conversation came up because I got triggered over the weekend. Married life is great and the sex part is actually pretty fun most of the time too. However, Sunday night we were at my parents' houseboat with all of the family for the 4th. The walls are paper thin and the water helps everything to echo too, so I informed hubby before we got there not to get any ideas b/c it was just going to be too hard to have sex in our room on the houseboat even with the door closed b/c of how easily sound travels. While he complied and was totally respectful, it didn't stop him from wanting to see what he/we could get away with that night in bed. He listened to me the minute I said stop, so I can't really fault him for that.

What triggered me was being in the dark, knowing there were others nearby, and feeling like I was doing something "wrong." The fear of getting "caught" or being heard coupled with the few small things hubby wanted to try and get away with was just too much. Since he stopped the minute I said so, I didn't explain anything else in the moment. I just needed to be. I needed to do damage control internally. I needed to separate past from present. I needed to remind myself how old I was, where I was and that this wasn't wrong. I spent most of the night nauseated but did manage to get a little bit of non flashback-y sleep. I felt decent the next morning, so I just let it go. I have no issue explaining things to hubby if I need to, but on the boat was not the time or the place.

Therapist and I were talking about the experience today b/c I was feeling frustrated that the 'minor' incidences from my childhood could still provoke such a reaction in me, especially when they're the images that just flash through my head periodically anyways. I guess she didn't realize how many times I see have a memory flash through my mind with my eyes open or how many daily life things remind me of something and momentarily put me back in that place. I can't blame her for not knowing. I don't really talk about it. It's just a normal part of life. The big thing that we put into words today is that those everyday things are more of "reminders." Something reminds me of a bad event, feeling, thought from the past but I don't have to re-feel all of it or re-live all of it. It's usually gone as quickly as it comes. And this is WAY different than the true trigger I experienced Sunday night.

Reminders, while not fun, are something every human experiences based on their different life experiences. Some things bring up happy memories, other things bring up painful ones. While I don't expect my reminders to go away, I do pray that new memories will be associated with some life things and I will have less negative reminders. I also pray that more triggers will enter into the reminder category where I can acknowledge something hurt and it was awful and then go on with my day without being caught up in the moment or having to do damage control inside.

A definite work in progress...

Holiday Celebrations

This 4th of July was the 3rd one that hubby and I have been in a relationship over, but the first one we've actually been able to spend together. July 4, 2008 he was in California training for deployment. July 4, 2009 he was in Afghanistan working hard so I and everyone else in the US could enjoy our 4th of July freedom. This year he was home and with me. We had a 4 day weekend and spent a couple of days at an amusement part and then a couple of days at the lake with my family.

Since meeting hubby and especially since his return from deployment all holidays seem to carry more weight. Hubby enjoys the holidays and the time off from work, but his mind is constantly thinking of those soldiers who are deployed and not at home to enjoy the holidays with their family. Patriotic holidays are the worst. They are a curse and a blessing for him right now (and for me too). On one hand, there is a much greater understanding of what American freedom means and how great the cost was and is, but on the other hand hubby struggles with guilt that he is here enjoying that freedom while others are constantly risking their lives overseas. Next 4th of July he will again be serving in Afghanistan (boo for me), and he is able to understand that this is his time home to rest and retrain. When he goes back over, the guys there now will have their time home to rest and get ready to go back. Everything he does at work now revolves around deploying again. He rarely has out of site out of mind moments (like most of us do) about the war that is still raging in the Middle East. In fact, the only times I ever see hubby tear up are when he's talking about deployed soldiers - during the toast at our wedding on Memorial Day weekend and talking to me during the fireworks show 4th of July night. He struggles not to get frustrated by how little people actually know and understand about what's going on. He gets that it's because so many are just no exposed to the war or much information about it on a regular basis, so he works hard to keep things in perspective and be gracious, but I know patriotic holidays are extra hard for him.

While I am now walking this road with him and I have a much greater and personal understanding of all the sacrifices and danger involved, I also realize I do not walk this road at the same level he does, and I'm working hard to be supportive and find ways that help him express whatever he feels without feeling judged or told to "get over it."

Thinking about this situation with him the past couple of days has gotten me thinking about how so many of us walk our own war and battles (either with memories or current dangerous situations) and most of society has no clue the toll it's taking on you or others you know who are fighting the same battle. If you're blessed, you have a spouse, family, or friends who do their best to understand and be supportive... and who may even get things to an extent as they walk through life with you, but no one can really understand it like you do, and those that come the closest to understanding are the ones who have walked or are walking the same battles.

In some ways I feel like hubby and I are both fighting "quieted" wars. His is sometimes in the media and uses weapons and explosives, but the majority of the world has no clue as to what things are really like. Only those I tell know about my war and it seems the overall war against fighting sexual abuse and assault is one that is pushed under the carpet too much b/c it's too heinous to think that people are actually that perverted and cruel. But I know my struggles, I see my friends' struggles and it is all very real.... Just as real as the war in the Middle East... and no matter how much the general population may want to ingore both, they are happening and affecting a larger number of people than I think anyone can imagine.

On a personal level, my prayers that hubby and I can continue to learn how to best support each other in our battles and also reach out to those in similar circumstances as us and offer support and encouragment as well.