Thursday, July 15, 2010

Things I've learned this week

I've learned a lot internally in the past several days.

1. I learned that parts are constantly watching each other internally whether I am aware of it or not. I wrote an entry a few weeks ago about a part who put up walls blocking all internal communication. Well, it seems that last night she decided we still have enough "issues" that blocking communication isn't necessary anymore and the walls came tumbling down. While it's relieving, it's a bit disconcerting how easily they went up and how easily they came down and that best I can tell one part was in charge of it all. Yay us that we're still messed up enough she doesn't need to interfere. ;P

2. I also learned that parts are getting more comfortable with hubby. We totally switched in front of him last night into a playful part who squeels when tickled. I don't squeel. Husband found it hysterical b/c he didn't notice that we switched for a few minutes. I'm glad they're feeling comfortable with him but it was a bit unnerving to switch out of control despite that fact I had full co-consciousness.

3. *TW* Finally I learned that when it comes to sex, spending time only pleasing my husband and not spending time being pleased leaves me feeling numb and very disconnected. I will admit that it was my idea. I thought it would be a nice treat for him. What I somehow forgot to take into account was that I was setting myself to repeat experiences from my childhood. So instead of feeling closer to husband afterwards, I felt disconnected, detached and a little disgusted.

Walking this road of doing well enough and functioning well enough to have healthy, intimate relationships while at the same time still having so many triggers and negative memories to work through is proving to be rather tricky. I wouldn't trade where I am now back to where I was for anything, but for some reason I am continually surprised at how much I can still struggle. I don't know why I keep thinking we'll reach a point where the struggles will go away.... If we can just stay doing well long enough......

Reality is that everyone on the planet is constantly struggling with something whether they have an abuse history or not.... no matter how well adjusted or advantaged the person may be..... we all struggle. It seems the sooner I can accept this, the easier it may be to accept where I am and that this is life. I don't know. I have so many good things going for me, but I guess sometimes inside I just still fear this is as good as it gets.... and I wonder, if this is as good as it gets, is this enough? Some days I think yes. Some days I think hell no! And will I ever feel satisfied?

1 comment:

  1. Bravehearts,

    I completely identify with your working to accept that we all struggle. Being a bit of an idealist myself, I also found/find myself waiting for "that time" when I'm going to be free of anxieties, fears, and temptations. Yeah right! It is so funny writing it out like that, because I can see how foolish that is. I, too, so relate to accepting where you are. It's always positive to have goals and be headed in a healthier direction, but don't forget the beauty around you in the moment. Brennan Manning (awesome books) wrote that the pinnacle achievement in spirituality is the ability to be present in the moment in absolute trust - not worrying about the future or regretting the past. Yeah... so that's my goal. No big deal. ;) hahaha
    I'm proud of the work that you're doing. You're alive, you're communicating, you're in relationships... you're living. And that's more than some can say.
    Sending love in the safest ways,