Friday, July 9, 2010


When you have horriffic nightmares every night for years, you are so sure you will never forget what those nights are like and what they do to you... At least that's how I felt. When my nightly nightmares stopped, I was thrilled but was confident I would always remember how horrible they are so I could be grateful for every good night up sleep I get now.

Well, I was totally wrong. I had horrible nightmares last night for the first time in a long time, and I am wiped today. I feel anxious and depressed. I can't stop thinking about my dreams last night. It's amazing how time can help you forget how awful something truly was. Feeling like this today does make it easier to remember why every day was sooooooooooo hard for soooooo long and I felt like I was NEVER going to get relief.

I know I am blessed now in that I typically don't have nightmares two nights in a row and b/c I don't have to be anywhere today so I can just be. But I hate feeling on the verge of tears, depressed and wanting to "justify, explain, argue" the things in my dreams last night. It feels rediculous. The dream was not a memory but a lot of the feelings resulting from the dream can be related to old memories and feelings. And who am I wanting to explain and defend myself to? No one saw the dream but me and it wasn't real.

I didn't get out of bed until noon today, and I know that's a recipie for disaster for me, but I was just so exhausted from the lack of peacful sleep from the night that i couldn't get up when my alarm clock went off. My felt like a lead weight and my eye lids were soooo heavy. So, I didn't fight it today and I gave in to trying to get a small amount of sleep. It did help me feel more rested but I don't think it helped the depression I'm feeling today. blah.

It doesn't help that I will feel guilty tonight from not doing anything today. I mean, I could at least get out and go to the grocery store but the thought of that makes me want to cry. I just want to stay curled up on the couch all day. Why does doing what feels comforting when you're feeling bad lead to guilt that I should have done more today - at least the bare minimum?

1 comment:

  1. It used to be when I had those kinds of dreams, I would try to put it out of my mind as quickly as possible.

    Now, when I have a bad dream, a nightmare, or a dream that feels particularly powerful or overwhelming, I find that writing down everything I can remember about the dream helps me gain clarity. I write all of it, then read it and usually remember more, and add that too.

    After I feel I've written everything I will remember, I look at the dream to find patterns. Are there things in the dream that seem to relate to what's happening in my life right now? Does it feel as if the dream is really about something from the past? Even if you can't pinpoint why it seems to relate to now or then, if it feels like it does, most likely it does.

    Finally, I concentrate on the feelings of the dream. Was it more dread, anger, fear, uncertainty, or something else? How does this feeling relate to the event of the past or present that it feels that the dream is about.

    It doesn't mean I will resolve it all, but it can help me gain clarity and with clarity I can resolve the conflicts in time.

    Hope you sleep well tonight.