Just wanted to say that I'm still plugging along. Had 2 therapy sessions this week. Both were intense but both were helpful. It's good to be informed and to be getting information from parts again, but there's a lot to digest too.
Yesterday I confessed my fear to my therapist of one day disappearing and not being forward and running my life as our healing process continues. I fear that as healing takes place, if we get closer to the core and as she heals, that she will take back over, and I won't be 'needed' anymore. I feel more than ever like I'm doing a 'job' instead of 'living my life'. I know this life is all of ours, but because I've been the one forward 99% of the time for as long as I can remember, it has felt like mine that I'm sharing with others. Now it kinda feels like I'm running this life for someone else and that I'll have to give it up at some point. Therapist says I'm jumping the gun. The core may never want to be forward, and we have tons of work to do before we even consider that. She also tried to reassure me that this life is still as much mine now as it was before I had this current information. I think my head agrees with this, but my heart is struggling to catch up.
Two of my best and dearest friends are coming into town this weekend. I am sooooooooo excited!!!!!!! These ladies understand me better than anyone in the world, and we're just gonna hang out, catch up, laugh a lot, cry if we need to, probably eat some yummy food, and whatever else we feel like doing all weekend. I think it's a much needed fun spot for all of us right now, but I feel so blessed that they're both hopping on planes and coming to me!
Despite all of my current internal struggles, I feel I am so blessed. As I type this, I'm sitting in my grandmother's hospital room. She's been sick off and on since November. Right now she's working to recover from double pneumonia. She's sleeping and my grandfather is in another chair in the room asleep too. They're snoring in unison, and I can't help but smile. I don't know how much longer I'll be blessed to have them in my life, so these little moments are sweet (even if they do take place in a hospital). They have taught me so much about love, family, and faith. The lessons they've taught me and passed on to my dad that he showed me, I know for sure have been a major factor into why so much of my life is "healthy and normal" despite all of the years of childhood abuse (by a neighbor) and the PTSD, DID, Major Depression, and any other diagnoses doctors may have labeled me with. I just pray that I do them justice passing on this love and these lessons to my own family one day. I want them to be as proud of me as I am to tell people that I'm their granddaughter.
Bittersweet moments all intermingled. I guess that does make my life pretty normal after all. :)
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Husband wrote me back!
Well, I guess I spoke a day too soon. Hubby responded today to the e-mail I sent him about my current internal and therapeutic situation. His e-mail was so sweet. I will never understand why this man sees me the way he does, but I am incredibly grateful. This e-mail made all of today a lot more bearable. I copied and pasted it below b/c it's too good the way it is to try and paraphrase it.
Hey,
Like I mentioned briefly the other day I am very greatful for
letting me know what you are going through and what you are having to
work through. I might not understand it all the time, mostly because I
have a hard time relating to what you have had to and currently still
have to overcome and work through. Regardless, you are one of the
strongest gals I know and have been since we met :). More and more,
with everything we do and more I get to really know you God has shown
me just how luckly I am to have you in my life. So let me know how
can be supportive and praying for you as you have been.
Xo, Love You -
Husband
Now I just have to figure out how he can be supportive and how I want him specifically praying. ;) One step at a time though, right? And this step - me sharing specifics and him responding in love and confidence - just squished a bit of the lie that those who truly know me will come to hate me and be disgusted by me. Yay for huge, small victories!!!!!
Hey,
Like I mentioned briefly the other day I am very greatful for
letting me know what you are going through and what you are having to
work through. I might not understand it all the time, mostly because I
have a hard time relating to what you have had to and currently still
have to overcome and work through. Regardless, you are one of the
strongest gals I know and have been since we met :). More and more,
with everything we do and more I get to really know you God has shown
me just how luckly I am to have you in my life. So let me know how
can be supportive and praying for you as you have been.
Xo, Love You -
Husband
Now I just have to figure out how he can be supportive and how I want him specifically praying. ;) One step at a time though, right? And this step - me sharing specifics and him responding in love and confidence - just squished a bit of the lie that those who truly know me will come to hate me and be disgusted by me. Yay for huge, small victories!!!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
And the Nightmares Return
I had wishingly hoped my nightmares had stopped forever. I've always been a dreamer. Six our of seven days a week, I can tell you what I dreamt about the night before. Forever they were nightmares or flashbacks in my dreams. However, over the last year or so, most of them had been silly or nonsensical dreams - and usually based around something going on in my current life.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Three nights running now I've had nightmares again. The kind that are a mix of flashbacks, current people, and stuff that hasn't or doesn't currently exist in my life. So, on one hand, when I wake up, I can tell that these dreams are not totally real events that occurred because past and present and fiction are all blurred together in one dream. On the other hand, the nightmares feel so life-like that I've been waking up in the fetal position, shaking in fear, with a level of anxiety and depression that I haven't felt for a couple of years. Grounding and distraction have helped me get up and get through my days, but nothing is fully shaking the anxiety and looming sense of doom.
I'm getting a better picture of where this may be coming from internally and where this may be headed, but most of it is still very foggy and just trapped in feelings. What I am aware of tells me this isn't going to be the end of the world, but it's gonna be a beast of a ride for a bit. :P
I am still in a much better place with this going on than I have been in the past, but I must admit that I'm wondering... Will I ever talk, heal enough that new waves won't keep cropping up?
I want so badly to talk to hubby... to tell him what's going on... to let him walk this with me to feel supported but to also help him understand some of what I went through before we met. But he's on the other side of the world putting his life on the line every day. The last thing I want is for his attention to be focused on me or worrying about me. I need him to focus on his job so he can come back home to me in one piece. I also am not sure how much he can understand via e-mail and occasional video chatting. Part of me is wondering if telling him will make it harder instead of easier if he can't understand b/c of the distance and lack of communication between us right now.
I can't believe this hurts so much and I feel so alone in this. We've done stuff like this before. We know we can get to the other side of this. But it's been almost 3 years since we felt this badly. I really really thought that part of my life might be over with. I really am ready to move on with my life. Goodness knows I still have enough day to day issues that were keeping me in therapy. Do we really need to go back and cover more of this stuff??
God, please just take this part away. I don't want to go through more nightmares, flashbacks, and memories. I get what happened to us. I haven't tried to deny it in a long time. Please don't make me relive all of it. I feel like I know and have felt enough. Please, please just take this away and replace it with your peace... Your miraculous peace that passes all understanding. Please.
Friday, January 28, 2011
*Sigh*
It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.
Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.
I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.
Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.
Night...err...good morning y'all.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Frustrated with myself
So I'm still really struggling, and this frustrates me. I don't know if it should or not, but it does. I will say that the sad, depressive feelings fluctuate now, so that's an improvement. Actually, yesterday and today I'm finding that I going along doing pretty well, but that I am extremely sensitive to people's tones, words, and actions right now. I'm always sorta sensitive, but this is way amplified. My mind has the ability to keep things in perspective, but my heart and my gut just feel like they're getting ripped open a lot.
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
It's not even big things today. Our kitchen faucet broke last night, so I called our apt. managers. They in turn called the plumber who called me back about coming to fix the problem. All of that was well and good, except this plumber had an attitude with me from the get go. I don't know if it's because he was having a rough day or if he assumed I didn't know what I was talking about because I was female, but it was a difficult conversation that left me feeling frustrated because he wasn't listening to me and he was talking to me like I was an idiot. After hanging up with him, I called husband (who was at home) to let him know the repair man would be coming by before 3pm. Hubby answered the phone "Yeah?". I kinda froze on the other end b/c I didn't know how to respond. On one hand my blood was boiling and my feelings were hurt b/c he answered my phone call that way, on another I felt bad b/c it sounded like my phone call was apparently a huge inconvenience and was interrupting something very important. After hanging up the phone with hubby, my emotions tanked.... Depression, tears, lethargy.... I was feeling it all... except I was outside of Wal-Mart and still had to do the grocery shopping.
While going through the store, I prayed to God to help me change my attitude and my feelings. I quoted memorized scripture and reminded myself that I cannot control others, but I can control the way I respond.
So far the only results I've gotten is the ability to get done what needs done and hide the yucky feelings from people who don't need to see it (grocery clerk, lady at Walgreens, etc.). I'm home now. I'm working hard to pull out of this funk. I am able to talk to hubby without sounding depressed or breaking into tears every two seconds, but it truly is a battle.
I know a lot of this is just underlying emotions running rampant about husband deploying in about 10 days and that I'm just way more sensitive to everything. I also know that God found no fault in King David's laments, tears, and agony that we can find in the Psalms David's written. I mean, he was the "man after God's own heart."
However, I also find I am frustrated with myself, b/c if I was truly allowing God and the Holy Spirit to envelop me, wouldn't I be feeling his peace inside me? Wouldn't joy be more than just a mindset right now? Wouldn't I at least feel a little of it?
I have an amazing friend who continues to astonish and amaze me. She is new in her personal walk with Christ, but is constantly teaching me new things and challenging me to grow my relationship more. It's a very awesome gift she is giving me. I know she still faces a lot of struggles and there are so many unknowns in her life, but she is also full of praise because of our Savior. It kinda has me wondering where I'm missing the mark right now? I can praise God for my blessings and really mean the praises and really count my blessings, but there's not a happiness associated with it right now. There is gratitude and a humble recognition of all my blessings, but no part of me has the desire to stand on the roof tops and proclaim to the world how awesome God is and how He's moving mountains. I want to be in that place. Why can I not be in that place and face these struggles at the same time? Am I asking too much? Am I missing the mark somewhere?
Part of me says I'm being to hard on myself and God accepts me exactly where I am. I truly do believe he accepts me wherever I am, and that if this truly is my best right now, I know he is pleased with me.... But God's promises are great and true. Philippians 4:19 says "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. So, is feeling good not a need in this moment or is it a lack of truly turning this over to God?
Sometimes it's so hard for me to tell. There have been many times in my life and especially in my recovery where I am working hard and am convinced that I have turned everything over to the Lord - or at least everything in the specific area of concern. Later, however, my eyes have been opened as to how I had not truly turned everything over to him despite my best efforts to do so.
And then I think things through so much that I get myself thoroughly confused, like now. At least in this place, I know God is going to have to be in control and make things better b/c I've talked myself into so tight of a circle that I have no clue how to get out. ;)
For those of you who read this. Thanks for letting me ramble. It really helps to get things out these days without being judged for them or being told "It'll get better." I KNOW it will get better. I'm just trying to figure out how to best live this moment...
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Eve
Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
wall of ignorance down; 20 new walls up
I guess I got a bit of insight today in therapy. A lot of things are still fuzzy and unaswered, and I'm doing my best to not fill in the blanks b/c I tend to catastrophize when I do that, but it's hard not to.
Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.
Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.
I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.
With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.
See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.
I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.
But, one day at a time, right?
Yesterday I blogged about feeling clueless about what's going on internally and wondering if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Today I learned that the reason I can't hear anything internally is that a part I haven't heard from in over 2 years has put up walls among all of us. We are all isolated from each other. A younger part managed to find her way out during therapy today and explain to therapist how scared and alone she was and that she couldn't hear anyone else inside. While this part was talking, I actually did a little bit of internal exploration (I know. Shocking that I would do this on purpose.). It seems as though we are all walled off from each other and even moreso that I am the only part that has access to the external world easily.
Therapist started talking about possibly moving these new walls or finding ways around them to restore internal communication among parts. Her theory is there is fear and adjustment issues regarding some of us doing so well and other still struggling so much, thus the seperation and changes inside. I could go along with that except that I switched out to another part neither of us has heard from in a couple of years who stated that the walls were not to be moved and were to be left alone. She was adament about us not meddling with things.
I am sure this part isn't purposely trying to hurt us. Last time she was present, she appeared as an introject and put our safety into question multiple times. With a lot of work and extra therapy help, we were able to get to her true identity and understand that he had created her to do and say such things should we ever reach a certain place in healing. We helped her understand how he had manipulated her and that what she was doing was actually hurting the body not keeping it safe. Once she understood the differences, she was very amiable and wanted to be helpful. Then she just went quiet.
With her back again and causing a complete blackout on internal communication, it's hard for me not to think she's been triggered to "sabotage" again. I do believe like last time we can show her the truth and we can work through this, but I don't trust her at all right now as far as acting out goes. And if this does play out this way, husband's gonna get a good does of DID dysfunction rather quickly into our marriage. It's strange that I fear more for him right now than for me. Not fear as in I/we might hurt him physically. But my gut is telling me that the purpose of what's going on internally now is to disrupt what is currently a very happy marriage.
See, when I fill in the gaps, I do sort of catastrophize, but it's really hard not to when I'm going off of past experiences. The major thing I do have going for me this time around is that through prayer and the examples of friends, I am more convicted than ever to turn this over to God and let him do the major battle.
I have full faith that things will be okay on the other side of this and that my marriage is safe. It is founded on Christ after all. However, I think the next few weeks may be a really bumpy ride that I really don't want to sign up for.
But, one day at a time, right?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Memorial Service *TW* Talk of Suicide
I attended my first military memorial service today. At times, there was some discomfort for me in the formality of the event, but at the same time there was a sense of honor and respect being paid to the deceased because of the protocol being followed. Overall, I left very impressed with the way the memorial service was handled.
The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.
Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.
I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.
Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.
I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.
At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.
I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.
And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.
God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!
The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.
Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.
I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.
Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.
I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.
At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.
I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.
And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.
God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Didn't Sleep It Off
For the first time in what feels like quite awhile, I wasn't able to sleep last night's feelings off. I woke up feeling pretty miserable this morning. In fact, it was really hard to wake up and I didn't even get out of my pajamas until after noon. I ended up being pretty productive today despite that fact. Actually, once I got going, I really used distraction to my advantage.
My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.
It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.
I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.
Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.
It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.
This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.
My mom called and we talked wedding invitation wording. Then a good friend of mine who is designing my invitations, called and I talked details with her. Tuesday nights are date night with fiancee, so I got busy getting things ready for tonight. I decided to cook a meal and rent a movie. I'm not ready to talk to fiancee yet. If I can't explain what I need or process things okay with therapist right now, it seems impossible I could do so with him. Therapist and I have been together 2 years longer than fiancee and me. She knows things about me that I hope to be as open with him about, but he doesn't know yet. She has never judged me harshly no matter what horrid things I may have shared with her. It seems as though I base everyone else's ability to understand and show compassion off of her reaction. That may be wrong, but the feeling is if/until she gets it, how can I expect anyone else to? No matter how much they may love me.
It actually ended up being a nice normal night with fiancee, and I am grateful. I'm feeling better now than I have all day. How quickly I/we forget the safety we feel when he's around. It's so easy to get scared of him or what will happen with him when he's not around for a couple of days. I'm glad we had a 'normal' and fun night tonight. Things are so busy right now it seems we're either always talking wedding stuff or relationship stuff. I want some fun times so he won't be afraid every time we're together equals a major conversation. I need some fun with him too. Having dinner and a movie kept us busy and entertained enough that I don't believe he was able to pick up on the internal struggle - and like I said, we were feeling a bit better by the time he left. Not because anything has changed, but just because we had a nice night with him.
I still feel everything I did in the posts last night. Therapist and I will for sure have lots to talk about tomorrow and I see many many more tears in my near future. It's been awhile since we've had to sit with such a strong inner turmoil. I'm really proud of us that there have been no impulses or desires to act on anything unsafe. I'm also kinda glad we're allowing these feelings to be (in all honesty, it seems to be because I can't put them away). It is definitely not fun and it is making some everyday things difficult, but it's going to make us work through them sooner rather than later if we can't ignore them.
Tomorrow will be my first day working as a counselor when my own issues feel they have the potential to interfere with my ability to help my clients. I've had struggles in my personal life while in this job, sure, but they were external issues with other people. They weren't abuse related issues and they didn't cause such intense reactions from soooo many parts inside.
It took everything in me to not call therapist today and cry into the phone about everything we blogged about here and ask for reassurance. I know she wouldn't have minded if we did call, but I guess we felt inconsolable and we weren't in crisis, so it seemed pointless. I don't think she could convince us of anything different and what would it benefit her arguing with us on the phone for 15 minutes while we sob that it's just too much and she just can't understand?..... Even though, we really do think she gets it.
This dull nauseous feeling in my stomach is getting old too. How did I function for years with a feeling like this in my stomach? Does it feel worse now b/c it reminds me of those really dark days? Or was I just blessed to grow unaccustomed to the feeling I am now having again? Either way, I'm going to trust and pray this will be short term. I am also fervently praying for wisdom and reassurance from God on how to handle things internally and externally. This will NOT consume my life long term.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Part II
In case I'm posting these entries too close together, the first part of this entry is entitled: Clear as Mud.
Assuming default mode passes in time, we've got to come up with a way to handle the current situation. A couple of ideas come to mind, but I don't know if they're good ones or not. Obviously, therapist and I will continue to work on things in therapy and she can talk with parts who have fears, concerns, memories, etc.
The other options I have so far:
1. Keep boundaries the way they are, inform fiancee of my fears, and pray harder than I ever have that God will take care of all of our needs so that sex is not the issue I see it being right now by the time our wedding actually rolls around.
2. Talk to fiance about the possibility of relaxing our physical boundaries a bit so that we can continue to slowly adjust to being more physical with him over a longer period of time.
While I truly believe my God is great enough to allow the first to happen, both of these feel manipulative towards fiancee on my end. Either I think he's not totally going to "get it" until after he says, I do. Or I'm asking him to potentially adjust his moral standards for my benefit.
And again I default back to how this whole situation would just be easier if I wasn't alive. Fiance could find a girl who can love him with all of her, who won't always having her past come up and bite hard during times that are supposed to be the happiest, who won't always feel so needy and insecure whether she tells you about it or not.
I know for so many years I walked around this and even more turmoil on me and held down a job and/or school, frienships, etc, but right now, for the life of me, I have no idea how. Things are shut down here tomorrow because of snow, and I am so thrilled that I don't have to go anywhere or be anything b/c honestly, I don't feel I could fake it right now.
Assuming default mode passes in time, we've got to come up with a way to handle the current situation. A couple of ideas come to mind, but I don't know if they're good ones or not. Obviously, therapist and I will continue to work on things in therapy and she can talk with parts who have fears, concerns, memories, etc.
The other options I have so far:
1. Keep boundaries the way they are, inform fiancee of my fears, and pray harder than I ever have that God will take care of all of our needs so that sex is not the issue I see it being right now by the time our wedding actually rolls around.
2. Talk to fiance about the possibility of relaxing our physical boundaries a bit so that we can continue to slowly adjust to being more physical with him over a longer period of time.
While I truly believe my God is great enough to allow the first to happen, both of these feel manipulative towards fiancee on my end. Either I think he's not totally going to "get it" until after he says, I do. Or I'm asking him to potentially adjust his moral standards for my benefit.
And again I default back to how this whole situation would just be easier if I wasn't alive. Fiance could find a girl who can love him with all of her, who won't always having her past come up and bite hard during times that are supposed to be the happiest, who won't always feel so needy and insecure whether she tells you about it or not.
I know for so many years I walked around this and even more turmoil on me and held down a job and/or school, frienships, etc, but right now, for the life of me, I have no idea how. Things are shut down here tomorrow because of snow, and I am so thrilled that I don't have to go anywhere or be anything b/c honestly, I don't feel I could fake it right now.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Psalm 90
For those of you that have access to a Bible, I would suggest reading this Psalm for yourself. For those that don't I'll give a brief summary.
This Psalm is written by Moses, and Israelite born during Jewish captivity in Egypt and raised by Pharaoh's daughter. God chose Moses to lead the Israelites out of captivity and to the Promise land of Canaan. However, this journey was not without this struggles.
We looked at Psalm 90 in Bible Study tonight, and it really struck me how words written by a man who was around 150 years old thousands of years ago can still directly apply to parts of my life (past and current) and be words I myself might actually say to God.
The main parts that struck me were verses 13-17
Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to your children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us -yes, establish the work of our hands.
The first time I read through this scripture, I just assumed Moses was asking for as many happy days as he had had sad and painful days from God, and it may be that simple. However, this was not the message that God was trying to share with me tonight. My mind skipped to the New Testament where in Acts 5:41 it states the apostles left the Sanhedrin rejoicing after being flogged because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the name of Jesus.
I reread Psalm 90, and while I still believe my original understanding can be accurate, I also heard the scripture in another way. This time I heard Moses saying, Lord please help me to find happiness, peace, joy, and strength during my struggles... during my days of affliction. May my continued perserverance in you show others your glory during my hardships. Help me to be content in you not only when my external/interal worlds are going smoothly. Hear my heartache and pain but also grant me joy even during my suffering.
Obviously this is my own interpretation of what Moses may have been thinking and it is not meant to be taken as scripture or from one who has any religious authority other than what any child of God is granted. I was just very moved by this study tonight, and it was more about how this passage related to me.
I sometimes wonder if I had prayed like this in my darkest moments if the light would have been easier to find. Instead of only praying for healing, I prayed for strength, contentment, and even some joy in my current situation and continued to search for ways to serve God in the midst of my pain. Since I can't change the past, I will have no regrets. However, I hope this is something I will keep in mind during current and future struggles- small and large.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God says "My grace is sufficient for you." I want to get to a point where that truly is all that I need and where I believe with all my heart that by the grace of God I am what I am and that in and of itself is completeness.
This Psalm is written by Moses, and Israelite born during Jewish captivity in Egypt and raised by Pharaoh's daughter. God chose Moses to lead the Israelites out of captivity and to the Promise land of Canaan. However, this journey was not without this struggles.
We looked at Psalm 90 in Bible Study tonight, and it really struck me how words written by a man who was around 150 years old thousands of years ago can still directly apply to parts of my life (past and current) and be words I myself might actually say to God.
The main parts that struck me were verses 13-17
Relent, O Lord! How long will it be? Have compassion on your servants. Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, for as many years as we have seen trouble. May your deeds be shown to your servants, your splendor to your children. May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us -yes, establish the work of our hands.
The first time I read through this scripture, I just assumed Moses was asking for as many happy days as he had had sad and painful days from God, and it may be that simple. However, this was not the message that God was trying to share with me tonight. My mind skipped to the New Testament where in Acts 5:41 it states the apostles left the Sanhedrin rejoicing after being flogged because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the name of Jesus.
I reread Psalm 90, and while I still believe my original understanding can be accurate, I also heard the scripture in another way. This time I heard Moses saying, Lord please help me to find happiness, peace, joy, and strength during my struggles... during my days of affliction. May my continued perserverance in you show others your glory during my hardships. Help me to be content in you not only when my external/interal worlds are going smoothly. Hear my heartache and pain but also grant me joy even during my suffering.
Obviously this is my own interpretation of what Moses may have been thinking and it is not meant to be taken as scripture or from one who has any religious authority other than what any child of God is granted. I was just very moved by this study tonight, and it was more about how this passage related to me.
I sometimes wonder if I had prayed like this in my darkest moments if the light would have been easier to find. Instead of only praying for healing, I prayed for strength, contentment, and even some joy in my current situation and continued to search for ways to serve God in the midst of my pain. Since I can't change the past, I will have no regrets. However, I hope this is something I will keep in mind during current and future struggles- small and large.
In 2 Corinthians 12:9 God says "My grace is sufficient for you." I want to get to a point where that truly is all that I need and where I believe with all my heart that by the grace of God I am what I am and that in and of itself is completeness.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fiancee is coming to therapy
Fiancee is coming with me to therapy on Monday afternoon. Eek! Therapist and I talked about this today, and the goal for Monday is just to help fiancee truly understand how PTSD manifests itself in someone who was sexually abused as a child and what that can mean in general for an adult. From there, I'll hopefully be able to explain more about how the PTSD manifests itself specifically in me, including the dissociation. I want him to not only understand current and potential struggles, but I want him to have an idea of where I've been, so he can share in my victories as well.
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Homecoming
I'm beginning to think I am not cut out to deal with the flexibility that is required with being an Army wife. At the beginning of the week, I was told fiancee would be arriving home from his year deployment in Afghanistan, very early on the morning of Dec. 4 (actually about 6 hours from right now). The early hour killed me, as I am not a morning person, but this was such an excellent notice because, tomorrow, Dec. 4 is my birthday. What better birthday present could I ask for??????
Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.
Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.
You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....
Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.
Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.
You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Prayers for a friend
My best friend from childhood's husband (who is only 34ish) is in the ICU right now on a ventillator. He had to be taken by ambulance last night. He's been struggling with some major health issues over the past year and they only seem to be getting worse. He's such a fighter, but I believe he's starting to give up. He can't give up yet! My best friend still needs him. They have two kids, 5 and 4. He has an upcoming surgery in Dec. to get a diaphragmatic pacemaker that has the potential to fix the majority of his symptoms/problems.
His family is asking for a miracle, which makes me think things are even more bleak than I realize. I can't get over to the city he's in until this evening, so for now praying is my only tool. But why do I say it like that? Prayer is my strongest tool. God has more power than any of the doctors working on him.
Those of you that believe in the power of prayer, please pray too. It's not his time to go. He is still very much needed on this planet!!
His family is asking for a miracle, which makes me think things are even more bleak than I realize. I can't get over to the city he's in until this evening, so for now praying is my only tool. But why do I say it like that? Prayer is my strongest tool. God has more power than any of the doctors working on him.
Those of you that believe in the power of prayer, please pray too. It's not his time to go. He is still very much needed on this planet!!
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