5 years ago today I walked into therapist's office for the very first time feeling discouraged, defeated, but not completely without fight. I didn't really believe therapist could help me, but I knew finding a therapist was my only hope at survival at the time. If I couldn't find a therapist, I truly felt that my symptoms would kill me... and in all honesty, there's a very good chance they would have.
Therapist has been amazing from the beginning. She hasn't always been an expert on DID, but she read and learned and talked to people who had worked with DID and trauma longer. She grew professionally as I grew to trust her. In the beginning I was convinced that she was too naive to know that I would be too much for her, and it would only be a matter of time before she came to that realization herself. No other therapist had been able to stick it out with me, and I knew I hadn't even hit the worst of it yet. PRAISE GOD SHE PROVED ME WRONG!!!!! She has walked through more fires with me than all of my other therapists combined and never once hinted about needing to refer me on to someone else. She never once suggested that maybe she couldn't help me... even on days that neither one of us were quite sure what the best move would be. This commitment on her end was what I needed more than anything. Truly knowing that she was walking this road with me no matter how many road blocks, dead ends, and mountains we hit. See, we finally have this person in our life who knows our deepest, darkest secrets, who has put up with tests, games, and gazillions of questions trying to push her away before we got too attached, and still cares about us and even likes us! My brain says this shouldn't be possible for me, but she's proved it year after year after year.
Today we celebrated 5 years with cupcakes and milk! Every now and then it's nice to take a session to reflect on the journey we've been on together. Today I walked into her office, sat in my spot on the couch, and embraced the safety and comfort that her office has come to provide.... so different than our first meeting 5 years ago. I asked her why she returned my initial call and agreed to meet with me regularly when so many other therapists never returned my calls, refused to meet me b/c of my diagnoses, or bailed after a few sessions. Her response: "You sounded like you really wanted and needed the help." This is my paraphrase of her words, but I was amazed that her response was that simple. I needed help, so she wanted to help. I'm sure her decision making process was more complex than that, but bottom line is that she didn't see my desperate cries for help as a turn off. She wasn't afraid of my diagnoses. And she was up for an awesome challenge, that I truly believe has benefited both of us over the past 5 years.
Therapist is a true gift from God. I pray that every one in therapy can have such an amazing therapist. For those of you who are having trouble finding a good one, DON'T GIVE UP!!! Good therapists are hard to find, but it is so worth the effort and the search. We've seen infinite more healing in the past 5 years than we did during the years prior to that. I know we've done the work, but I know there is no way we could have done it without therapist's support and help.
So... Happy 5 years together Therapist!!!!! Thank you for believing in me... in all of us...
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anniversary. Show all posts
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday, November 9, 2009
Text Message
I received a text message this evening from my crazy ex-roommate. I went back through blog entries b/c I was going to link to the blog that explained about crazy roommate for those who are newer to reading my blog and realized I started this blog right after I moved out of her house, so she never made a blog entry. So before I explain tonight's text, I need to give a little background.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
I lived with (let's call her B) from May 2008 - Jan 2009. We went to church together and she seemed cool. My previous roommate's sister was moving to town and they wanted to live together, so I was desperately looking for another place to live. My job didn't pay enough for me to get a place of my own. Plus, at this time, I hadn't had the best track record of staying safe when I was alone. B had just bought a 3 bedroom townhome and was looking for roommates to share the bills. Seemed liked perfect timing, so I moved in with B. Of course, her boyfriend (who was a friend of mine from college) broke up with her the week before I moved in because that's my luck. Now, before you think I'm taking an awful situation about her and making it about me, I was very sad for her and supportive. For several months I didn't talk to my college friend b/c I was being her friend and roommate. The problem developed when I realized how obsessive she was about this guy and how many times a day she called him, drove by his house, sent him text messages, and anything else she could think of to still be in contact with him. She was also constantly accusing him of having a new girlfriend and cheating on her. I don't know how you cheat on someone you've broken up with, but she was a wreck. In all honesty, I don't think I would have lasted as long as I did, except I met my fiance' about 2 weeks after moving in with her, and he was a huge support and distraction for me.
Anyways, the longer I lived with B, the more "issues" I realized she had. Now, I'm not one to move out on someone b/c of issues. Heavens knows I have tons on my own, and I truly do have compassion for people and their struggles. The problem is that she had/has no desire to overcome or even acknowledge her major issues and instead uses them to manipulate situations and people to get her way and always be the center of attention. There are several examples, but one is how she somehow guilted me into throwing her a surprise birthday party for her birthday in October. The main issue B liked to focus on was her eating disorder. She did have a legit eating disorder. The ED itself didn't bother me. The fact that she told everyone under the sun who would listen to her that she had one and how hard it was and how she was working to overcome it, and then at home would come into my room to tell me she just took a box of laxitives. After a few ER trips, it became apparent that her ED was out of control, and I was tired of taking off of work to take her to and/or pick her up from the ER if I was unable to stay with her the whole time.
In November, she finally admitted she needed help and left for a 3 month inpatient ED program in California. At the time, I was so proud of her for finally wanting to live healthy and being willing to take the necessary steps to do so - meaning she would miss Thanksgiving and Christmas with her family, plus risk losing her job. I didn't understand why she invited 30 people over to our place the night before she left. Everytime I've been IP, it's been hard enough for me to tell my family and closest friends, and most of the time I've only told those it was necessary to tell b/c my absence would be noticed - like at work or a roommate. But at this point, I still thought - to each his own.
The events that pushed me over the edge actually occurred during the 3 months that she was gone. She was constantly texting me trying to get me to pay her portion of our bills b/c she had no money b/c she wasn't working and was in treatment. I didn't have money to pay her portion and she wouldn't give me her parents info so I could ask them to help me pay her part of the bills. One day towards the end of her stay in California, I received a text from her asking for prayers b/c she'd done something wrong and gotten in trouble at the Ranch. That evening she texted me again and asked me to purchase her a plane ticket home b/c she couldn't take it there anymore. She was too upset to talk to me on the phone and tell me why she needed to come home but wanted me to shell out the money for a plane ticket for her. When I kept asking questions, she quit responding to me, and I didn't hear anything for 2 days.
At this point, I'm really struggling with my own issues. Fiance had recently deployed to Afghanistan and I was in the process of trying to survive a Christmas and January that didn't end in a hospitalization of my own. I didn't have the resources to deal with my roommates issues as well, especially since she was hundreds of miles away. Finally, I decided we needed some boundaries in place before she came home, so I texted her and asked to have a conference call with her and her counselor or social worker before she came home. She responded by telling me she'd already left the Ranch and was at her parents' place in Indiana. She would be coming home tomorrow. I asked her what happened, and the actual story was nothing like what she led me to believe had happened or was going on. I was livid! She'd been manipulating me the whole time. After we hung up, I thought about the entire 9 months we'd lived together and began to see that she carries a lot of traits of someone with borderline personality disorder and all of the ways that she had manipulated me and those around me.
Even before this last conversation with her, my family, close friends, and therapist had been encouraging me to find a new place to live b/c my own mental/emotional health was going downhill rapidly - so rapidly I couldn't even fake things. The conversation on the phone that Sunday night was the final straw. I found another friend I could move in with, called my parents and asked them to come over and help me move the following weekend, and I texted B and told her we needed to have a serious conversation when she came to town the next day. When she arrived home, I told her I was moving out and that I would continue to pay the rent that I owed her, but I would not be living in the same house with her or be part of her support system now that she was back home. She spent the next week using her grandparents, parents, prayer, and any other method she could think of to guilt me into stay and to convince me she had changed. Sadly for her, she didn't realize that everything she was doing only reinforced that she had not changed at all, still put her interests before anyone else, and was as manipulative as ever.
In the end, this entire situation ended up being very triggering for me and parts inside. Typically we're not good at moving, but everyone was happy and felt safer the day we moved out of that place and have not regretted the decision once. We still have to interact with her some, but thankfully it's less and less. I know this is a long entry, but sadly it doesn't do the situation near the justice or explain the torment she put my system through.
All of this to say, I guess I forgot that she still has my cell number and she sent out a mass text this evening. She included me on the text, as she does on most even though I've asked her not to. The text said " My dear friends, tomorrow is a celebration.... it marks 1 year since I've abused laxitives and left 2 go 2 treatment! Praise God! Thx 4 the prayers and support!" In and of itself, I guess this isn't a horrible text. Other than I KNOW she probably sent this to everyone in her address book.... and we were NEVER dear friends! I think what bothered me most is how many awful memories this one text brought up for us. Sadly this text was a pretty large trigger for us this evening. We felt a lot of anger, pain, sadness, and hurt... So many of her manipulative behaviors were linked to manipulative behaviors of our ab*ser b/c of similarities in tactics, so after the horrible memories associated with her, I got hit with a wave of childhood memories. Amazing the small things that will throw your system for a loop when you least expect it!
One positive thing is that we have been able to recognize that we were able to get ourselves out of the unhealthy situation with B and that we can look around and see that we're in a different home now and safe and that we continue to move through time further and further away from our time with B.
For those of you who made it all the way through this post, thank you for reading. I tried to reach my therapist tonight, but she didn't respond. We're not in crisis and this isn't near an emergency, so we're just going to wait and talk to her at our session tomorrow. Her reassurance and support would have been nice tonight, but maybe handling this on our own and just blogging about it will prove to be better for us in the long run.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
1 Year Together
Seems like I've been recognizing a lot of anniversaries lately, but today's is one I'm particularly happy about. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year today and are still going strong! In fact, things are going better than I ever dreamed they would. We're starting to talk marriage and rather than freaking out about, the topic really excites me.
Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.
Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)
He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.
One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)
Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.
Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)
He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.
One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)
Monday, May 18, 2009
May 19
My dad had a heartattack a year ago on this date while sailing off the coast of Florida. Thankfully, he was smart enough to pay attention to the symptoms and with the help of his friends and the Florida Coast Guard, he was taken to the nearest hospital in Pensacola, FL. The doctors put a stint in two of his arteries and he spent 3-4 days in the hospital. A year later he is doing fantastic! No lasting effects. I didn't see him in the hospital because he was several states away and by the time I even learned of the incident, my dad was out of surgery and recovering well.
It's kind of crazy to me how I think I'm having more emotions about his heartattack this year than I did when it actually happened. I guess it's because I can look back at all of the things that have happened in the last year that I couldn't have shared with him if the heartattack had taken his life. I am so blessed that my dad is such a good man and, other than being really strict and having a trigger temper, was never abusive to me and his approval means the world to me.
Two weeks after dad's heartattack, I met my boyfriend, the man I hope to eventually marry. For him to have been able to meet my boyfriend... to get his approval of boyfriend... for boyfriend to meet him and for them to like each other. For dad to see me go through a winter without having to go inpatient and see me making future-oriented plans that I'm excited about. For dad to let me take him rock climbing for the first time... For another year of holidays with him. For the hope that if/when I do get married, he's still going to be around to walk me down the aisle. For being my partner in our family Easter egg toss and winning 1st place this Easter! So many little things that I would have missed sharing with him over the past year.
Thinking of any of those things happening without him here, brings an overwhelming sadness. I am pleased that most of my emotions seem to be focused on my thankfulness that he's still around and the love I have for him. I am keenly aware of the hole that I know am able to see his death will leave in my heart. I can only pray that this time is several years from now.
So, until that time, I am so incredibly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my dad.
It's kind of crazy to me how I think I'm having more emotions about his heartattack this year than I did when it actually happened. I guess it's because I can look back at all of the things that have happened in the last year that I couldn't have shared with him if the heartattack had taken his life. I am so blessed that my dad is such a good man and, other than being really strict and having a trigger temper, was never abusive to me and his approval means the world to me.
Two weeks after dad's heartattack, I met my boyfriend, the man I hope to eventually marry. For him to have been able to meet my boyfriend... to get his approval of boyfriend... for boyfriend to meet him and for them to like each other. For dad to see me go through a winter without having to go inpatient and see me making future-oriented plans that I'm excited about. For dad to let me take him rock climbing for the first time... For another year of holidays with him. For the hope that if/when I do get married, he's still going to be around to walk me down the aisle. For being my partner in our family Easter egg toss and winning 1st place this Easter! So many little things that I would have missed sharing with him over the past year.
Thinking of any of those things happening without him here, brings an overwhelming sadness. I am pleased that most of my emotions seem to be focused on my thankfulness that he's still around and the love I have for him. I am keenly aware of the hole that I know am able to see his death will leave in my heart. I can only pray that this time is several years from now.
So, until that time, I am so incredibly thankful for every moment I get to spend with my dad.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
3 Year Anniversary
Today therapist and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary together in session. Our actual first session was May 16, 2006, but that's a Saturday and neither of us wanted to have a session on a Saturday so we celebrated today. We celebrated with cupcakes, coke, and art. :)
Many of you may not understand why therapist and I celebrate our anniversary together. The simple answer is that we've never had a therapist keep us longer than 2 years. If not sooner, by the 2 year mark, whoever my therapist was at the time was looking for someone more "qualified". For most of them, it was the nice way of saying, "I don't want to deal with you anymore." Others have been more direct and practically said that flat out. Whatever the reason, since we started therapy 10 years ago, we've never gotten to work with the same person for more than 2 years, and most just several months.
Current therapist is one of a kind in our eyes. Three years into this and she still seems just as excited as ever to work with us. Some days we're actually convinced she enjoys working with us. Today was fun talking about where we started, where we are now, and where we hope to be in the future. Since cupcakes and art were involved I was very switchy and little a lot.
Today's art was fun for everyone that participated, but I also think it's going to be really helpful in future therapy sessions. Every part gets to decorate a heart with something that describes them or something they like. There are 20 of us inside, so obviously we're not finished. I think the plan is to use the pieces in therapy to map out how things are inside to show therapist better and to also give a voice to parts who don't/can't vocalize yet. The picture at the top is of the pieces we've made so far. We're actually pretty proud of them, which is a big deal because we don't consider ourselves artists at all. I will admit, therapist made the puppy and we asked her to draw the frog for one of our really little parts. The rest we did though. :)
Hope to create some hand art this weekend for Tempy's site since our creative juices are flowing. Will post it if we do. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)