My heart is heavy today. The pain of hubby being away really isn't letting up. I'm just finding that I can distract from it for periods of time.
I have a little good news. I got a temp job yesterday, so starting Friday I'll have at least 6 weeks of employment. Gotta start somewhere, and I'm trusting God to either turn this into a permanent position or provide me with something else when this 6 weeks is up. It was very hard to make this decision without being able to talk to hubby first. I'd been hoping another job was going to come through, and I guess it still might, but I got offered this temp job and I still haven't heard back from the other one. I'm tired of being jobless, so I'm going forward with this, but it was hard decision to make knowing it affects both hubby and me, and I couldn't talk to him about it first. I have talked to him since I made the decision, and he is supportive, but it was just another reminder of how things are going to be very different for awhile and how much I miss him.
I think I blogged last week about a very close friend of mine admitting that she had an affair. I've spent what I could of the last week e-mailing with her and talking through this with her. I don't condone what she did at all, but she's my friend and I love her. I want to do everything I can to help her get back on the right track... whether her marriage is salvageable or not. We talked on the phone as recent as last night and she was telling me all the steps she was taking to improve things and that her husband had agreed to go to a 911 marriage seminar with her to see if there was any chance of their marriage surviving... A long way to go, but they all felt like positive steps.
Today I got an e-mail from her asking for forgiveness and prayers b/c she had continued contact with the man she had an affair with all last week, over the weekend, and even saw him yesterday. She says it was to say good-bye and cut ties. She says she really is through and really wants to save her marriage. She says she knows she's let us down and lied to us again. This e-mail felt like a huge punch in the gut. After getting over the initial shock and hurt of being lied to for months, I reached out and have tried to help her in any way I could. To find out today that she was still lying and non-repentant breaks my heart. In her e-mail, she says she is broken and repentant now, but I don't know why I should give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her.
It's going to take lots of prayer, but I will forgive her. We are commanded to forgive even when the same sin is committed against us over and over again (Matthew 18:22). Rebuilding that trust with her is going to be a much longer road than I ever anticipated though.... And, it just breaks my heart that satan has her in his grips so tightly. With God, we know she can over come this, but she has to want to. She says she wants to, but she said that before and wasn't even remotely trying to. It's hard to know if it's truth this time.
I really wish hubby was here. We are not my friend and her husband, but hugs of reassurance and being able to talk to him face to face about this would be so comforting. God this has to be in your hands. It's way bigger than me, and I don't know what to do.
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label job. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Trusting the Future
I am finally home from all of our traveling and slowly getting caught up on laundry, mail, and all of the other things I ignored while traveling. The trip was amazing, and I was sad to come home b/c I knew I was coming home to so many unknowns. However, I must admit that it has been nice to sleep in my own bed and be surrounded by my own things that make me feel comfortable.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Up to this point, I've coped with all of the unknowns in my life by basically ignoring them and staying busy. My current uncertainties:
1. I'm done with school but no jobs are panning out, so while I keep applying for jobs and making an effort to gain employment, I find myself avoiding conversations with my husband and friends about the topic. We can be okay financially if I don't work, but I will start to go stir crazy if I go too many weeks without some "purpose." I have batted around doing volunteer work if I don't get a job b/c it would give me a way to be involved in a helping way, but up to now I haven't had time to research volunteer options. I plan to start doing that, hopefully today, while still applying for jobs and pray that God puts me where I can be of most use.
2. My husband is deploying to Afghanistan for the 2nd time on/around Jan. 27. I have no idea what time of day he'll be leaving and if it will be a day earlier or a day later. I probably won't know until 2 or 3 days before he leaves. I don't know exactly when he'll be coming home again (approximately 6-7 months, but that could easily change to longer), and life just feels uncertain b/c of the constant danger he's in while he's deployed.
3. After hubby comes home (hopefully late summer)we'll be moving to another state for 6 months for training for him and then moving again to another location (we won't know where until 3 months into his training). So, we'll be moving twice in the next year, and half of it is unknown. With all of these moves, it makes finding a job or knowing what type of job to look for even harder. In addition, all of these moves will take me away from therapist, and while we will still be in touch, I won't be able to go to her office and sit on her red couch and talk to her.
Up until today, I've been living in the moment and avoiding thinking about the future. This is not necessarily a bad thing b/c the Lord never promised us tomorrow. However, at this point, I believe it will begin to hinder my usefulness and prevent me for good opportunities.
A good friend of mine Tempy recommended a daily devotional book to me the other day that I know has been beneficial to her over the past few months. It's called Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Today's devotional fits very well with this struggle I'm having, and actually helped me to recognize that this is a bigger issue than I'm admitting. The words and Scriptures were a good reminder of who really is in control and where my focus should be.
Let me prepare you for the day that stretches out before you. I know exactly what this day will contain, whereas you have only vague ideas about it. You would like to see a map, showing all of the twists and turns of your journey. You'd feel more prepared if you could somehow visualize what is on the road ahead. However, there is a better way to be prepared for whatever you will encounter today: Spend quality time with me.
I will not show you what is on the road ahead, but I will thoroughly equip you for the journey. My living Presence is your Companion each step of the way. Stay in continual communication with Me, whispering My Name whenever you need to redirect your thoughts. Thus, you can walk through this day with your focus on Me. My abiding Presence is the best road map available. Exodus 33:14; John 15:4-7
Wow! Kinda steps on my toes a bit, but it's so nice to find guidance even when I still have no more clue about what the future holds for me let alone what today or tomorrow holds for me.
Anyways, just my ramblings about where I am today.
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Year's Eve
Happy New Year's Eve bloggers!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Quick update: I did graduate with my 2nd graduate degree on Dec. 17! I am now highly educated and unemployed! Sadly, I'd say this description fits several people in the USA and around the world right now. I'm job hunting some, but my husband and I left on Dec. 22 for some holiday traveling, and it's hard to apply and interview for jobs when you're not at home.
We spent Christmas in New England with his family and are currently out in Colorado on a ski vacation with my family. Everyone but me is out shopping right now. Late Wednesday night I came down with a horrible stomach bug that lasted a full 24+ hours and even though I woke up feeling better this morning, I am still running very low on energy. My sister seems to be doing her best to make me feel like my illness is ruining her vacation..... b/c vomiting for 24 hours sure isn't ruining mine???? A new year's resolution of mine to learn how to show more love and Christ to her no matter what her attitude towards me is or how she treats me. Since I have some alone time where I feel well enough to blog, I thought I'd just say hi. I've finished crying and feeling sorry for myself that my family has been so unsupportive this go round.
Some of it is that I want so desperately to feel well and be on top of my game. Hubby is set to deploy again on Jan. 27, and I want to take advantage of every moment I have with him right now. This is hard to do when you're either stuck in bed or stuck leaning over the porcelain throne. I'm definitely feeling more sensitive emotionally, so that's probably why I'm more sensitive than usual to my family's remarks or lack of supportive remarks.
At least hubby and I are rounding out our travels next week with 5 days (just the two of us) in Mexico. And, if I had to get sick, I'm really glad it's this week and not next week.
Since this is New Years Eve, what would a blog post be without sharing at least a few of my New Year's resolutions?:
1. Get a job or at least volunteer work in the Counseling field - no more wasting time on school or jobs that don't allow me to do what I feel God is calling me to do.
2. Eat healthier (not dieting, just healthy food) and exercise regularly. Hubby wants us both to do P90X while he's deployed and something that will be good for us and we can still do together apart. I would love to do this and plan to give it a go, but I think I'm setting myself up to fail that I don't see either of us lasting more than 30 days... If I stay unemployed, then I'll at least have plenty of time to get it done.. LOL
3. Spend more time growing a more intimate relationship with God and being more serious about committing scripture to memory. I also want to spend more time in conversations with friends I can encourage and who can encourage me to grow in our walks with Christ.
4. Continue to learn to be a better wife.
5. Continue to learn and believe of my worth in Christ and stop apologizing for deficits I feel I have that Christ has covered.
I'm sure there will be several more. I seem to have many goals for this upcoming year - most involve internal changes, but this is a start.
I hope 2011 is a great year for each of you and that we may all grow and enjoy this life we've been given more than we have in the past. Life is definitely a roller coaster, but it's a pretty awesome ride if you're strapped in right and holding on tight.
Happy New Years!!!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Super Sonic Speed
Yes, that is the pace I feel my life is moving at right now. Not only have I not blogged since before Thanksgiving, but I'm not even finding time in my life to keep up with dear friends that I deeply care about. There is somewhat of an end in sight.
Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!
My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.
Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.
On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.
So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.
This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!
Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.
Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!
My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.
Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.
On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.
So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.
This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!
Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Still here
Hey everyone! I apologize for not posting anything in two weeks. I'm still here and kicking. There never seems to be enough time in the day to do everything I want to do and sadly blogging always seems to be at the bottom of my list of things that must get done.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
Wrapping up school for the semester, passing off clients to other counselors because my GA position ends when school ends, getting ready for the wedding in 6 weeks and moving next weekend seems to leave little time for things I'd like to be taking time to do.
Forgive my if my posts continue to be sporadic until about mid-June. Everything should calm down then, and I'll be married - meaning I'm sure many parts will have lots to say regarding being married and s*x and all sorts of things that we haven't had to deal with before. Good times.
Anyways, just wanted to post to say that I'm hanging in there pretty well. I appreciate you all still stopping by and checking in.
Take care.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ramblings about my week
I can't believe another week has gone by between blog entries. Things seem to be going a mile a minute right now. Crackers and Juice (aka Tempy) came to visit for the weekend. She has an awesome designing talent and hand designed my wedding invitations. Not being near as artistic as she is, she flew down to print them, cut them, and help me assemble them (well, really I think I helped her assemble them). A project that should have taken about a day and a half ended up taking almost 3 days due to ignorant people in this redneck town I'm currently living in. We ran into issues at FedEx with their inability to correctly cut the special paper Tempy ordered for me, issues at Hobby Lobby changing their ribbon color and style slightly while claiming it's the exact same thing, and issues finding a stupid UHU glue stick at office stores that claimed to be carriers. I don't think I could have kept away the tears and laughed so hard if Tempy wasn't with me. Well, the DQ blizzard helped some too.
Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!
Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.
The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.
I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.
Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.
Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!
Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!
Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.
The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.
I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.
Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.
Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Too much to do. Not enough sleep.
This pretty much sums up my life over the past week. Nothing horrible has happened, and for that I am very thankful. But I am EXHAUSTED!!!!! I feel like I hit the ground running last Wednesday and haven't stopped. Trying to fit in work, classes, my practicum, intensified wedding planning, bible study, quality time with my fiance', and time with other important people in my life has left me feeling like a chicken with my head cut off..... And with all this going on, I had to give up a therapy session this week (which wasn't the end of the world, but I hate not having time for therapy) and I haven't been able to talk to a good friend who not only helps me unwind and sort through messes in my head that I create from time to time, but also doesn't demand anything from me other than that I just sorta be around.
It's all just normal life stuff this week, and I know part of it is readjusting to a 40+ hour work week and a social life. I had neither of those in the Fall. I also think if I ever got a truly good night's sleep more than once in a blue moon that would help too. It's so frustrating being this tired even when I know it's normal. I hate feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing if I have to do one more thing today. I did back out of tonight's plans b/c I just didn't feel we could handle it. I think that was a smart move and thankfully fiance' was gracious about it, even though I'm not sure he understands.
Hopefully resting tonight and no plans on Saturday will help me function better next week. I'm gonna need the energy. We're about to hit some rough stuff in therapy.
Okay. Going to stop for tonight. Having trouble stringing thoughts together. Think I'll just watch the Olympics. Hopefully chat with my friend and go to bed early.
It's all just normal life stuff this week, and I know part of it is readjusting to a 40+ hour work week and a social life. I had neither of those in the Fall. I also think if I ever got a truly good night's sleep more than once in a blue moon that would help too. It's so frustrating being this tired even when I know it's normal. I hate feeling like I'm going to break down sobbing if I have to do one more thing today. I did back out of tonight's plans b/c I just didn't feel we could handle it. I think that was a smart move and thankfully fiance' was gracious about it, even though I'm not sure he understands.
Hopefully resting tonight and no plans on Saturday will help me function better next week. I'm gonna need the energy. We're about to hit some rough stuff in therapy.
Okay. Going to stop for tonight. Having trouble stringing thoughts together. Think I'll just watch the Olympics. Hopefully chat with my friend and go to bed early.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fiancee is coming to therapy
Fiancee is coming with me to therapy on Monday afternoon. Eek! Therapist and I talked about this today, and the goal for Monday is just to help fiancee truly understand how PTSD manifests itself in someone who was sexually abused as a child and what that can mean in general for an adult. From there, I'll hopefully be able to explain more about how the PTSD manifests itself specifically in me, including the dissociation. I want him to not only understand current and potential struggles, but I want him to have an idea of where I've been, so he can share in my victories as well.
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
We have always been our true selves around him to the best of our ability, but because he has no understanding of childhood abuse or PTSD, there is so much he just can't understand until it's explained. I get so emotional talking about it b/c it is so personal, so therapist is going to explain it to him as a professional. Then I can relate my specific struggles to him either with her or just the two of us as it seems appropriate.
When I told him I wanted him to come b/c I wanted to make sure that he knew I was wanting to be completely open with him and that I never want him to think that I withheld some information from him and that it was really important to me, he readily agreed to come. I completely know that right now he's doing it for me and not because he wants to come. I really appreciate that he's sweet like that. I know he doesn't understand at all right now why it's so important that he meet therapist or that he understand more of my world, but I appreciate that he's willing to come because he sees how important it is to me that he comes. I also believe he will see things a lot different after we meet with therapist. Knowing him, he will need a day or two to process things before he and I talk about anything that may come up, but I think it really will help me make a lot more sense to him in ways he doesn't even understand yet.
For those of you that pray, please pray that his mind will be open and God will grant therapist and me the right words and the right amount of information to share with him in the session so that he understands and is not overwhelmed. I know my God is great and anything we ask for in his name he will give us, but I also know the more people praying, the better!!!!!!
Work/classes start tomorrow. I don't actually have a class till next week, but I will be returning to work in the Counseling Center tomorrow. It's exciting and scary. Who knows what has happened to the students over the holidays and what I might walk in to tomorrow.
One day at a time though. For tonight it's dinner, laundry, and relaxation!!!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Homecoming
I'm beginning to think I am not cut out to deal with the flexibility that is required with being an Army wife. At the beginning of the week, I was told fiancee would be arriving home from his year deployment in Afghanistan, very early on the morning of Dec. 4 (actually about 6 hours from right now). The early hour killed me, as I am not a morning person, but this was such an excellent notice because, tomorrow, Dec. 4 is my birthday. What better birthday present could I ask for??????
Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.
Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.
You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....
Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.
Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.
You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Holiday Highlights
I feel so much has happened in the last few days, and I'm too tired to blog about it all. I've decided to hit the highlights tonight and come back and blog in more detail later the things I decide I want/need to.
- Friend that was in the ICU came through surgery well and will hopefully discharge tomorrow. Still going to be on oxygen for awhile and has a long road, but he's slowly improving.
- All of my dad's family was in town for Thanksgiving, and it was awesome!! We rarely all get together anymore, and it was so much fun, not to mention all of the good food!!!!
- My wedding dress came in this week, so my mom, sister, and female cousins came with me to my first fitting on Friday. It should have been an exciting event.
- Wedding dress looked nothing like it was supposed to. The coloring was wrong and it was 2 sizes too big. Plus, there was a big black spot on the train that the store owner swears she didn't do. I was crushed! I hated the dress, but we've already paid for 1/2 of it, and it's non-returnable according to the manufacturer, so now I have to fight it out with the store owner.
- Mom knew how upset I was about the dress despite me trying to hide it, so she got me up early Saturday morning and we went wedding dress shopping again. I fell in LOVE with a dress at the store we went to on Saturday and my amazing mother bought that dress for me. So for the time being, I have 2 wedding dresses. The new dress was made for me though. I love it and am no longer distraught but am excited to walk down the aisle in a few months knowing I will look like a princess.
- Saturday night got a phone call from the Army. Fiancee will be home on Friday (my birthday) very early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!
- Tonight at church, a good friend of mine told me a friend of her's committed suicide yesterday (I didn't know the girl). Losing 2 friends, a professor, and an uncle to suicide in the last 5 years, I know the pain she's feeling right now.... and that thought pattern of.... if I'd only known, maybe I could have done something....
All of this on top of the crazy week with co-worker has left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I really do not enjoy going from high to low to high to low, etc.. with my emotions. Seems I learned some emotion regulation skills along the way, but they're not really working in my current setting. It's amazing how much even positive stuff can drain you.
This upcoming week there's likely to be confrontation at work with co-worker (thankfully it's my last week at work til after Christmas) and fiancee coming home on Friday is going to be completely awesome and incredibly emotionally exhausting at the same time. I have been so blessed in so many ways over the past week despite some of the rough spots. My current stressors are "normal people" stressors, so that helps me not beat myself up over them for possibly overreacting, but it does make me want a day or two break from life so I can recouperate.
Life is crazy!!!! I think Phil Collins sums up my life best right now with a line from one of his songs - " I love this awful, beautiful life!"
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Talked to Supervisor
First of all, thanks TheSameSky for being willing to fly across the pond and put my co-worker in his place. :D Thankfully, we have been able to handle this one ourselves.
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Talked to supervisor this morning. Think talk went really well. I don't think co-worker is going to be an issue much longer - or so my supervisor says. He went so far to ask me if I had experience as an A&D counselor. Oh how I wish I did right now. Co-worker is the A&D counselor for our university. All in all the talk went well though. I feel like (at least for now) supervisor really heard what I was saying and I didn't have to throw down any ultimatums or threaten to file a harrassment claim with Human Resources. Next week will be my last week until after the holidays. I am thinking there will be some major adjustments made before or when I come back to work in mid-January. Whew!
Of course, I'm feeling a bit guilty right now b/c co-worker has been as good as gold today and gone out of his way to be nice to me. I keep reminding myself it's b/c he knows how bad he messed up yesterday, so he's compensating..... and that there's a very good chance his nice behavior today is manipulative. Still the thought of "getting someone in trouble" if I didn't have to makes me feel so guilty. In fact, it's one of the reasons as a teen I refused to tell my parents about the abuse or seek counseling until I was 18 and a legal adult. It would have had to have been reported to the authorties if I said something while I was still a minor. My biggest fear at that point was that at trial, I might find out I made it all up and then ruin "a good man's reputation". And here I sit, in a very different situation, with different issues on the line, at a different time in my life with basically the same fears.
Sometimes I wonder, with as much progress as I make, if some things will ever change?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Rough Day
I've had it with co-worker!!! I've done my best to be a team player since his explosion a few weeks ago, but today..... Well, enough's enough! Apparently he's not going to get over his issues of having to share an office with me 2 hours out of the day 3 days a week, and I'm not willing to take his crap anymore. I'm tired of ignoring his name calling and responding to all of his snide remarks with sarcasm and blowing him off. Technically I have enough on him that I could file a grievance/harrassment charge with Human Resources. Another co-worker thinks I should, but first I'm talking to our supervisor tomorrow and giving him one final chance to handle it in house. I don't want to make a scene. Anyone who knows me knows how much I HATE drama!!
Today's final straw: He pounded on the door and attempted to walk into the office while I was meeting with a client because he forgot his umbrella. That was just wrong on so many levels!!!! Not to mention there wasn't a cloud in the sky today. Rather than going into all of the reasons why what he was doing was ethically wrong and confidentially violating to my client, I'd like to focus this post on how this is another blatant example of his disrespect for me as a therapist, as a co-worker, and as a human being.
I'm so thrilled that my therapist is taking vacation this whole week. She doesn't take enough time off. But right about now, I'm thinking... Seriously??? Her vacation had to be this week?????
I talked to 2 of my co-workers today - not to gossip but to make sure I wasn't over or under reacting to the situation and to get ideas on the best way to talk to my supervisor. I would have loved to talk to supervisor today but he was booked solid towards the end of the day, and I had class tonight. So I couldn't stay late. He's booked solid tomorrow, but I don't have class, so I'll stay after hours to talk to him if I have to.
Basically, my other co-workers said it's time I tell supervisor that I'm not putting up with it anymore. Being a therapist is draining enough and I don't deserve to use any spare energy I have fighting off offensive jabs from a co-worker. One wants me to do an ultimatum... Ask supervisor to choose co-worker or me. Not sure I'm brave enough to do that, but I will mention that I can file a harrassment suit if I need to, and I can also go to those that hired me and ask for another assignment. Either of those take the situation out of house and will make other powers that be on campus aware of the issue. I know that wouldn't make my supervisor look good. My last day for this semsester is Dec. 9, and I don't start back at work til Jan. 14. I plan to tell him he has until Jan. 14 to figure out how things are going to be different (as in getting me my own office or making sure we don't overlap work times at all) or I will be taking more drastic measures.
I haven't worked this hard and this long in therapy for some grouchy old man who barely does anything at work to slowly pick away at my self-esteem and energy reserve. I feel so burnt out right now and the sad thing is that it has nothing to do with the clients or amount of clients I've been seeing.
Christmas break can't get here soon enough!!
Today's final straw: He pounded on the door and attempted to walk into the office while I was meeting with a client because he forgot his umbrella. That was just wrong on so many levels!!!! Not to mention there wasn't a cloud in the sky today. Rather than going into all of the reasons why what he was doing was ethically wrong and confidentially violating to my client, I'd like to focus this post on how this is another blatant example of his disrespect for me as a therapist, as a co-worker, and as a human being.
I'm so thrilled that my therapist is taking vacation this whole week. She doesn't take enough time off. But right about now, I'm thinking... Seriously??? Her vacation had to be this week?????
I talked to 2 of my co-workers today - not to gossip but to make sure I wasn't over or under reacting to the situation and to get ideas on the best way to talk to my supervisor. I would have loved to talk to supervisor today but he was booked solid towards the end of the day, and I had class tonight. So I couldn't stay late. He's booked solid tomorrow, but I don't have class, so I'll stay after hours to talk to him if I have to.
Basically, my other co-workers said it's time I tell supervisor that I'm not putting up with it anymore. Being a therapist is draining enough and I don't deserve to use any spare energy I have fighting off offensive jabs from a co-worker. One wants me to do an ultimatum... Ask supervisor to choose co-worker or me. Not sure I'm brave enough to do that, but I will mention that I can file a harrassment suit if I need to, and I can also go to those that hired me and ask for another assignment. Either of those take the situation out of house and will make other powers that be on campus aware of the issue. I know that wouldn't make my supervisor look good. My last day for this semsester is Dec. 9, and I don't start back at work til Jan. 14. I plan to tell him he has until Jan. 14 to figure out how things are going to be different (as in getting me my own office or making sure we don't overlap work times at all) or I will be taking more drastic measures.
I haven't worked this hard and this long in therapy for some grouchy old man who barely does anything at work to slowly pick away at my self-esteem and energy reserve. I feel so burnt out right now and the sad thing is that it has nothing to do with the clients or amount of clients I've been seeing.
Christmas break can't get here soon enough!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
First Client With an Ab*se History - TW
I made it about 9 weeks into my job as a counselor dealing with about everything under the sun with my clients except abuse issues. Today I met with a sweet girl for the second time and she revealed that she was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by her father for most of her life. She presented to me originally with signs of depression and trouble focusing on school work. After much discussion and probing as to why this is the first semester she's struggled with these issues in college, she shared that she's in her mental health rotation for her nursing degree and finds a lot of the topics hit really close to home. In other words, her classes this semester are constantly triggering the mess out of her. She's spent the past 4 years since she left home stuffing emotions and as many memories as she could. As many of you know, that works well for awhile, but eventually the walls come crashing down and you feel as though you whole world is falling apart.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
On one hand, I'm glad to be the counselor she was assigned to. Sometimes I wonder if another counselor would have just treated her symptoms rather than trying to find the root of them to hopefully get rid of them or would have taken many more sessions to get to the real reason for her struggles. Also, I know a lot about how to walk through, handle, deal with memories at this point in my journey. I have a large knowledge base and repetoire to draw from to help her find what is best for her. One thing I will definitely have to keep in check is that what worked for me may not work for her, and I'll need to remember to keep my mind very open.
On the other hand, I'm scared to death to have this girl as a client. What if she shares a memory I can relate to too much, and I forget that I'm the therapist in the room? There is no need for her to know my struggles or history at this point. That's why I have my own therapist. What if I get triggered? What if I keep my stuff together while I'm in session with her, but then pay for it for the rest of the day/week internally like I did 4 years ago when I thought we could be a crisis counselor?
Somewhere inside there is this feeling and resolution that this is not too much for us to handle. We can take this case, offer support to this girl, and help her deal with her painful past. I really want to believe this feeling is accurate, but there's a small part of me that thinks it may be pride or an over-eagerness to prove just how far we've come in our own walk.
I let my supervisor know some of her issues hit close to home to me, so it may be an issue in the future, but I wanted to keep her on my caseload for now. He said he was fine with that and he trusts me to let him know if I get overwhelmed. I appreciate that because I haven't told him anything about my history or current therapy or diagnoses and I really don't want to.
I guess we'll just take things one session at a time and see how they go.
Friday, October 23, 2009
maybe not all old coping skills are bad
So due to all of the drama/chaos at work this week with the A&D counselor in our office, we consciously or unconsciously (I'm not sure) employed a very old coping skill that had worked very well for us in the past. I didn't really even think about the fact that we'd done that until talking in therapy today. Most of the coping skills from my childhood and life before therapy, we've basically thrown out the window b/c while they may have been helpful then, they're not so helpful now.
This week we implemented our "calm, cool, and collected approach during the actual crisis". This is typically followed by an "after the crisis is resolved meltdown". Once defensive walls go down and the reality of the situation sinks in, typically we get overwhelmed and have all or more of the feelings you would have expected us to have in the moment. It's not that this has ever been a "bad" coping mechanism. It's more that the feelings and emotions that follow when we feel "safe" again are rather overwhelming and can be debilitating.
This time, I'm thinking this approach may have actually helped to prevent some additional crises. I still think as things slow down over the weekend and we begin to let our defenses down, some feelings of events from this past week will surface, and while they will probably be uncomfortable, I don't think they'll be overwhelming. I think our laid back approach that voids all emotions in the situations may have helped b/c it did not give my co-worker any ammo from me to allow another excuse for an escalation on his part or for me to have to endure the personal attack that he poured onto another co-worker in our office earlier this week (the attack that I expected would have been targeted at me). The laid back, clear head, no feelings approach helped us lie low the rest of the week at work and avoid any more conflicts, while at the same time allowing us the ability to talk to our supervisor about the problems and use our words well because the mind stayed clear.
We were also blessed to have 2 evenings this week of social interaction unrelated to school. Maybe some of the people we met at these events will become friends down the road and we won't always feel so utterly alone in this town.
It's interesting for me to note that as stressful and horrific as parts of this past week have been, I'd rather do this week over again than the one before. This week was stressful, frustrating, and draining, but no part of it was debilitating. Last week the depression was so debilitating, not only did I feel awful, but I was unable to get anything accomplished.... and there was a huge fear of the unknown of when the depression would lift. The stress this week will probably continue into next week at work, but I see solutions to those issues. Amazing how that one little thing makes a situation feel reasonably easy to bounce back from or like an obstacle that's completely too big to overcome.
This week we implemented our "calm, cool, and collected approach during the actual crisis". This is typically followed by an "after the crisis is resolved meltdown". Once defensive walls go down and the reality of the situation sinks in, typically we get overwhelmed and have all or more of the feelings you would have expected us to have in the moment. It's not that this has ever been a "bad" coping mechanism. It's more that the feelings and emotions that follow when we feel "safe" again are rather overwhelming and can be debilitating.
This time, I'm thinking this approach may have actually helped to prevent some additional crises. I still think as things slow down over the weekend and we begin to let our defenses down, some feelings of events from this past week will surface, and while they will probably be uncomfortable, I don't think they'll be overwhelming. I think our laid back approach that voids all emotions in the situations may have helped b/c it did not give my co-worker any ammo from me to allow another excuse for an escalation on his part or for me to have to endure the personal attack that he poured onto another co-worker in our office earlier this week (the attack that I expected would have been targeted at me). The laid back, clear head, no feelings approach helped us lie low the rest of the week at work and avoid any more conflicts, while at the same time allowing us the ability to talk to our supervisor about the problems and use our words well because the mind stayed clear.
We were also blessed to have 2 evenings this week of social interaction unrelated to school. Maybe some of the people we met at these events will become friends down the road and we won't always feel so utterly alone in this town.
It's interesting for me to note that as stressful and horrific as parts of this past week have been, I'd rather do this week over again than the one before. This week was stressful, frustrating, and draining, but no part of it was debilitating. Last week the depression was so debilitating, not only did I feel awful, but I was unable to get anything accomplished.... and there was a huge fear of the unknown of when the depression would lift. The stress this week will probably continue into next week at work, but I see solutions to those issues. Amazing how that one little thing makes a situation feel reasonably easy to bounce back from or like an obstacle that's completely too big to overcome.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
work
Too exhausted tonight to write as much about this topic as I feel we need to. Just really felt to need to say that I never thought the hardest part of working as a therapist would be my co-workers. I really assumed it would be my clients issues overwhelming me or me relating too much to my clients to be able to help them like they deserved. Instead, my main struggles have been with the A&D counselor in our office. This week he's made all of our lives a living hell. I can't begin to go into all of it right now... All of my energy this week has been going into surviving work, school, and trying not to get a cold. Maybe I can write a full entry tomorrow evening after our meeting and I'll have good news to share.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Planning for the future
Fiance' called last night. It was the first time we've talked on the phone in over 2 weeks!! We got to talk for a whole 30 minutes. It was awesome!!! He's exhausted, but he's getting excited b/c in 6 weeks, he'll get to start the process of coming home. It will probably still be closer to 2 months before he's actually home, but at least 10 days of that time will be traveling, so that helps. It looks like his unit is set to deploy again Spring 2011, so at least I'll have him home for over a year before he deploys again, and we'll get to be together the first 8 months of our marriage. I know that's more than alot of newlyweds get when one of them is in the Army. I hate to think about him having to go back to Afghanistan again, but for now it's really fun to focus on all of the things that will happen and that we get to do together while he's home.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.
Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.
Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Just checking in
Don't have time to report anything new. Just felt like checking in. School and work are still consuming most of my time but both are going well. Fiance is doing as good as can be expected in Afghanistan. He has a redeployment date set. For now it's Nov. 29. If that date sticks, he'll be home sometime the first week of December. Yay!!!!! I will be so happy when he is home to stay. Feeling a lot better about talking to him and just being open with him. We got to spend some real time talking on the phone this weekend. We didn't talk about anything really important, but I felt connected to him again, and that connection is what makes me know he can know all about me/us and everything will still be fine. It's awesome to be back to feeling nothing but utter excitement about him coming home!
I talk to therapist in the morning. I need to remember to ask her what coping skills she uses to keep her stamina and sanity on the days that she has therapy and then goes on to see a full day of clients herself. Last week, I was completely drained by the end of the day. It's a good drained, but I don't see it being healthy for us in the long run.
I also see Psychiatrist on Wednesday. We've been lowering my Prozac dosage every 3 months for the last 9 months. Hoping I can convince him to lower the dosage again this week. If he will then I'll only be taking 20mg of Prozac in the morning, and 1mg of Klonopin at night for sleep. I can't remember the last time, I was on that few medications, and on their practically lowest dosages, and still felt good for the most part. It's very exciting! Maybe one day I won't have to be on any meds at all. I know that's a big maybe, but it's still nice to be in a place to even contemplate it.
I talk to therapist in the morning. I need to remember to ask her what coping skills she uses to keep her stamina and sanity on the days that she has therapy and then goes on to see a full day of clients herself. Last week, I was completely drained by the end of the day. It's a good drained, but I don't see it being healthy for us in the long run.
I also see Psychiatrist on Wednesday. We've been lowering my Prozac dosage every 3 months for the last 9 months. Hoping I can convince him to lower the dosage again this week. If he will then I'll only be taking 20mg of Prozac in the morning, and 1mg of Klonopin at night for sleep. I can't remember the last time, I was on that few medications, and on their practically lowest dosages, and still felt good for the most part. It's very exciting! Maybe one day I won't have to be on any meds at all. I know that's a big maybe, but it's still nice to be in a place to even contemplate it.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Short post - well, I meant for it to be short ;)
It's way past my bedtime, and tomorrow I start my new job and a new semester of classes. I really should be sleeping. I want to start things off right. Feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow. I think the majority of it is b/c we are in a new city where we know no one. It's not like starting a new job where I can meet up with the same friends after work or come home to the same roommate. Everything is new. While I am very excited about all of these changes, I must admit that I am not getting through this anxiety free. All I need to do is make it through this week. After that, I think the newness will pass and I will get into a routine. That's the way it always goes.
Oh, I also think I'm feeling a little stressed because I didn't realize marrying a man in the Army meant I was marrying the Army too. I know, apparently I'm extremely naive when it comes to this stuff. I knew I would move where ever the Army said, and I would do things with other army wives, but I had no idea there were books out there called "The Army Wife's Social Code of Ethics". What in the world? Apparently, my naivete could get us both blacklisted within the first month of our marriage. I've ordered the books. If I mess up, I don't want it to be out of ignorance. Apparently, since fiance recently made Captain, there's a lot more that goes along with being an Army wife. I think I will be doing lots of involuntary volunteering and there is a hierarchy among the wives just like among the soldiers. Oh, so much to learn! The wedding is 9 months away so I have plenty of time, but that was quite a shock to me to learn over the weekend. Good thing I love fiance so much!! I had no idea marrying him meant I was joining the Army as well.
Fiance also told me there's a good chance I won't be able to spend next Christmas with my family. I don't know what that means, and he didn't elaborate. I will be so happy when he gets home and he can't use the excuse, "I can't tell you, we're not talking on a secure line."! I've never missed a Christmas with my family. Even one time when I really needed IP treatment, I convinced my treatment team and my parents to let me be admitted on Dec. 26 so I could spend Christmas with my family. I know what you're thinking. It's a year and a half away, and it's the Army so things will probably change 5000 times between now and then, and you're right. I won't fret over this long. Just felt like I had a lot of big information to take in over the weekend and haven't really processed it yet.
God is good and He will work everything out. "For what man has added even a minute to his life by worrying?" - wish I could remember that Bible verse of the top of my head. I know it's New Testament and Jesus said it.
And with that thought in mind, I'm going to sleep. Night all!
Oh, I also think I'm feeling a little stressed because I didn't realize marrying a man in the Army meant I was marrying the Army too. I know, apparently I'm extremely naive when it comes to this stuff. I knew I would move where ever the Army said, and I would do things with other army wives, but I had no idea there were books out there called "The Army Wife's Social Code of Ethics". What in the world? Apparently, my naivete could get us both blacklisted within the first month of our marriage. I've ordered the books. If I mess up, I don't want it to be out of ignorance. Apparently, since fiance recently made Captain, there's a lot more that goes along with being an Army wife. I think I will be doing lots of involuntary volunteering and there is a hierarchy among the wives just like among the soldiers. Oh, so much to learn! The wedding is 9 months away so I have plenty of time, but that was quite a shock to me to learn over the weekend. Good thing I love fiance so much!! I had no idea marrying him meant I was joining the Army as well.
Fiance also told me there's a good chance I won't be able to spend next Christmas with my family. I don't know what that means, and he didn't elaborate. I will be so happy when he gets home and he can't use the excuse, "I can't tell you, we're not talking on a secure line."! I've never missed a Christmas with my family. Even one time when I really needed IP treatment, I convinced my treatment team and my parents to let me be admitted on Dec. 26 so I could spend Christmas with my family. I know what you're thinking. It's a year and a half away, and it's the Army so things will probably change 5000 times between now and then, and you're right. I won't fret over this long. Just felt like I had a lot of big information to take in over the weekend and haven't really processed it yet.
God is good and He will work everything out. "For what man has added even a minute to his life by worrying?" - wish I could remember that Bible verse of the top of my head. I know it's New Testament and Jesus said it.
And with that thought in mind, I'm going to sleep. Night all!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
other person's point of view....
In therapy yesterday, therapist and I talked about my fear or overreacting emotionally, times when I think I have, and my feelings towards others when I think they're overreacting. Therapist was able to help me understand that in context of my history, I probably rarely overreact to any situation, but I may not always know the things from my past that are making my reactions more severe than I think they "should" be based soley on the present circumstance.
Keeping this in mind, I'm wondering how this evening's conversation with my sister fits into all of this. Her responses were not mean, but really hurt my feelings. Normally I would automatically assume I was overreacting, but in light of yesterday's therapy conversation I'm unsure.
I was telling my sis about a conversation my bf and I had yesterday regarding my future plans. I'm looking for a new job and trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to get a job b/c my current job is ending within the next 6 months. I think I know what I want to do, but more than anything I want to make my plans fit around my bf's plans when he returns from Afghanistan in Dec. That's what I WANT. I don't feel like I need it or I can't be okay without him. I just don't want to be without him.
Backtrack just a bit: Had first somewhat future-oriented discussion with bf last night. Mostly b/c he was asking me about my career plans. I'm a thinker, so I was just telling him everything I was thinking and all of the possibilities I was considering. He said something that made perfect sense and is very logical, but it wasn't really what I WANTED to hear. He said I shouldn't let my desire to be with him keep me from following God's plan for my life, and if we're meant to be, then the plan for his life and the plan for my life will coincide. I believe there's a lot of truth in that, but I don't think you can leave it all to circumstance. I think we are required to take some action. Also, I know he doesn't want me to put all of my "eggs in his basket." To me it doesn't feel like I'm doing that. I also know his main reason is because he really is looking out for my best interest (thinking what if he doesn't make it home from Afghanistan or gets stationed somwhere I can't or don't want to move to, etc.) What I wanted him to say is that he hoped I could find a job doing what I want in his town too and that he really can see us being together forever. I DID NOT push this issues b/c it's more of a conversation we can have when we're face to face when he comes home for R&R this summer. Plus, I mostly just want him to focus on staying alive and coming home safe. I really feel this job/life decision is my battle, and I was just choosing to fill him in on it.
So, I was telling my sister this tonight and she totally agreed with Seth and basically said it in a way that suggested what I want is wrong and would freak anyone out. I don't think what I want is wrong, but it's not like I haven't thought about the prospect of overwhelming him or putting too much pressure on him talking about moving or talking about the future. We've been sister's for almost 25 years now. You'd think she'd know me well enough by now to know that I look at everything from EVERY angle. I completely see Seth's point of view. It's the logical, practical, rational thought. I did not argue this point at all with him last night. However, I guess I wanted to be able to just express what I'm still feeling to someone not involved without being judged. What I wanted my sister to say is that she knows this is hard on me and that she's sorry. I didn't need her judgment and to be reminded that I may be being irrational or too emotional.
So, now I'm left with a few questions. 1. Is wishing Seth would just say I want you in the same city when I get back; I want you to want to go with me wherever the military take me and being sad that he didn't an overreaction? 2. Is letting my sister hurt my feelings by being frustrated that she took "Seth's side" and didn't just comfort me overreacting too? I mean, his approach is definitely more logical than mine. 3. Is letting your feelings and emotions lead a situation always wrong or are there times when it's okay? 4. Must logic always be better or right?
I feel stupid for crying so many tears over this. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for waiting until I'm 28 to have my first real relationship and the choosing to have one with a Military man.
What it boils down to is that I feel the need to know whether my feelings are justified or not. If they aren't, I feel the need to stuff them, challenge them, put them away, not allow them, etc. If they are justified, why then do I feel like I'm the only one who sees my point of view?
And on a side note. Why do people always feel the need to make sure I see the other side of an issue???? Trust me, I've probably thought about both sides way more than they have or will!
Keeping this in mind, I'm wondering how this evening's conversation with my sister fits into all of this. Her responses were not mean, but really hurt my feelings. Normally I would automatically assume I was overreacting, but in light of yesterday's therapy conversation I'm unsure.
I was telling my sis about a conversation my bf and I had yesterday regarding my future plans. I'm looking for a new job and trying to figure out what I want to do and where I want to get a job b/c my current job is ending within the next 6 months. I think I know what I want to do, but more than anything I want to make my plans fit around my bf's plans when he returns from Afghanistan in Dec. That's what I WANT. I don't feel like I need it or I can't be okay without him. I just don't want to be without him.
Backtrack just a bit: Had first somewhat future-oriented discussion with bf last night. Mostly b/c he was asking me about my career plans. I'm a thinker, so I was just telling him everything I was thinking and all of the possibilities I was considering. He said something that made perfect sense and is very logical, but it wasn't really what I WANTED to hear. He said I shouldn't let my desire to be with him keep me from following God's plan for my life, and if we're meant to be, then the plan for his life and the plan for my life will coincide. I believe there's a lot of truth in that, but I don't think you can leave it all to circumstance. I think we are required to take some action. Also, I know he doesn't want me to put all of my "eggs in his basket." To me it doesn't feel like I'm doing that. I also know his main reason is because he really is looking out for my best interest (thinking what if he doesn't make it home from Afghanistan or gets stationed somwhere I can't or don't want to move to, etc.) What I wanted him to say is that he hoped I could find a job doing what I want in his town too and that he really can see us being together forever. I DID NOT push this issues b/c it's more of a conversation we can have when we're face to face when he comes home for R&R this summer. Plus, I mostly just want him to focus on staying alive and coming home safe. I really feel this job/life decision is my battle, and I was just choosing to fill him in on it.
So, I was telling my sister this tonight and she totally agreed with Seth and basically said it in a way that suggested what I want is wrong and would freak anyone out. I don't think what I want is wrong, but it's not like I haven't thought about the prospect of overwhelming him or putting too much pressure on him talking about moving or talking about the future. We've been sister's for almost 25 years now. You'd think she'd know me well enough by now to know that I look at everything from EVERY angle. I completely see Seth's point of view. It's the logical, practical, rational thought. I did not argue this point at all with him last night. However, I guess I wanted to be able to just express what I'm still feeling to someone not involved without being judged. What I wanted my sister to say is that she knows this is hard on me and that she's sorry. I didn't need her judgment and to be reminded that I may be being irrational or too emotional.
So, now I'm left with a few questions. 1. Is wishing Seth would just say I want you in the same city when I get back; I want you to want to go with me wherever the military take me and being sad that he didn't an overreaction? 2. Is letting my sister hurt my feelings by being frustrated that she took "Seth's side" and didn't just comfort me overreacting too? I mean, his approach is definitely more logical than mine. 3. Is letting your feelings and emotions lead a situation always wrong or are there times when it's okay? 4. Must logic always be better or right?
I feel stupid for crying so many tears over this. Maybe this is the price I have to pay for waiting until I'm 28 to have my first real relationship and the choosing to have one with a Military man.
What it boils down to is that I feel the need to know whether my feelings are justified or not. If they aren't, I feel the need to stuff them, challenge them, put them away, not allow them, etc. If they are justified, why then do I feel like I'm the only one who sees my point of view?
And on a side note. Why do people always feel the need to make sure I see the other side of an issue???? Trust me, I've probably thought about both sides way more than they have or will!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Job interview
I have a job interview tomorrow for a therapist/case manager position at a local school. I'm actually really excited about it. I know I still have a lot of my own stuff to work through, but I feel like I can be really good at the job and know how to set good boundaries and practice self-care now. The best part is that I would be on school schedule, so I'd get all school breaks and summers off!! That would be awesome!!!!
For anyone who may actually be reading this blog. I know I haven't posted much about me or my history. I plan to, but I'm working up the courage. Just now starting to tell therapist some things in sessions. Putting it in writing feels like it will make it even more real. I'm working on it though. I really want this to be a place where I can just put things out there... right or wrong.
Have therapy this evening, so if I'm not too exhausted, I'll get online tonight and see what we can get started.
For anyone who may actually be reading this blog. I know I haven't posted much about me or my history. I plan to, but I'm working up the courage. Just now starting to tell therapist some things in sessions. Putting it in writing feels like it will make it even more real. I'm working on it though. I really want this to be a place where I can just put things out there... right or wrong.
Have therapy this evening, so if I'm not too exhausted, I'll get online tonight and see what we can get started.
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