Friday, March 26, 2010

My Voice For Today

Ahh... allergies... Yep, it's that time of year and apparently this new city that I'm living in blooms the exact things that I'm allergic to. Lucky me. I lost my voice Wed night and it has yet to return, so for now typing is my best form of communication.

It is amazing that when I get sick it seems so much easier to prioritize things, and things that seemed so important beforehand fall to the wayside without a second thought. I've been sleeping so much more this week during the daytime, but all of the "important" stuff is still getting done. I finished my homework assignment earlier in the week than I normally do. I still have a mid-term due by midnight on Sunday, but I'm not worried about it getting done. Wedding stuff is coming along, so yeah, I'm on top of things.

But I HATE not being able to talk. Verbal communication is how I stay connected to 95% of the people in my life that I care about. On days when I can't be in the physical presense of others, I always have my phone or Skype or some other way to communicate with others and feel connected.

Laringitis is my worst enemy! LOL! Okay, I can probably think of much worse things, but it is one of the few physical ailments that affects me mentally as well because I feel cut off from the rest of the world against my will.... Hmmm, bet if it dug hard enough there's some past memory and/or issue related to being cut off from the rest of the world against my will. However, since I'm sick and it's Friday, I think I'll wait and go there with therapist on Monday.

Hopefully resting all day today and tomorrow, along with staying inside and away from everything that's blooming will help my voice to return and my body to heal faster. *fingers crossed*

Monday, March 22, 2010

Familiar craziness

Well, last week's unfamiliar craziness settled into old familiar craziness after therapy today. On one hand, the way we're feeling now is familiar so there's more an idea of what to expect. On the other hand, I know the potential and places this crazy can take us.

A part that seems to constantly struggle more than her fair share who disoriented us so much last week and made us aware of some things in our internal world that we were unaware of talked again in therapy today.

Let me back up just a bit. I don't have the best internal communication with this part so when she wants to fly below the radar, it's very easy for her to do. Somehow over the past few months she'd managed to take all of her feelings and memories that she held and get them outside of her. For her, this was the most peace she's ever felt. She told therapist today that her body now feels hollow and that she doesn't feel anything. The only drawback to having everything out of her is that it had her completely cut off from the external world, thus the total disorientation.

During therapy today, the black hands (as she calls them) tried to pull her back in while she was forward like they did last session. Therapist worked hard to help keep this part forward. I guess it was working b/c the black hands decided to push all of her feelings and memories back up into her while she was forward since they weren't able to pull her down into it. It was the craziest thing to watch from the inside. It was like all of these pictures and feelings and words filled her hollow body up like a liquid going into a pitcher until she was completely full again.

The pain of having everything back had her wailing in therapy for a bit, then she seemed to very quicky resign to the idea that this is "her lot in life." She then started asking questions about the outside world that she's been missing out on. She was rather surprised to learn that the wedding that was forever away when she first found out is only 2 months away. She has agreed to talk to therapist about her fears and try to understand why marriage and having a man around all the time is a good idea, but I'll admit that I'm scared.

I know she will work hard, but I've been so excited that my wedding is getting close. I feel ready to be married and wish the wedding was next weekend (except for the fact that everything's not done yet). With this part always being the most against an intimate relationship with another human being, especially a male now able to and interested in paying attention to the outside world again, 2 months does NOT feel like enough time. Therapist says she believes this part does not have the energy or is oriented enough to the present yet to sabotage my relationship with fiancee or do something to call the wedding off, but I'm not as convinced. This part is the one who managed to tie our bed sheet in a knot to the bed and the other end into a noose around our neck and try to strangle us while having a flashback in an inpatient hospital. There is the potential she could have succeeded had staff not intervened.

I'm not expecting this part to act on anything anytime soon and hopefully not at all. Still, I hated the familiar thoughts and feelings that were going through my head as I drove home today. At one point, we drove past a truck on the interstate who had a casket company logo on the side. The thought that went through my head.... "I want to be in a casket. I want to stop breathing and rest forever." No part of me planned to do anything to act on those thoughts, but I guess I just got used to not having thoughts like that automatically flow through my head.

For now, I guess we're just going to consider this a work in progress and stay hopeful. :-P

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Hello craziness!

Alas, as much as I want to pretend my head is completely "normal" (whatever that means) most of the time, I am occassionally reminded of the craziness that still exists inside, biding its time while I go on with my external life. I don't think I've been trying to pretend things are okay with all parts inside when they're not. I think I've just been allowing myself to be oblivious and not purposely look at anything that appears chaotic or reminiscent of old, painful feelings.

Therapist will be frustrated that I used the word crazy in this post if she reads it. We both know that I'm not literally crazy, but I don't know how else to explain the chaotic, unrealistic things that my mind is able to create. I tell people new to DID all the time that nothing that may share is crazy b/c DID manifests itself differently in every person and is based on a person's creativity. It doesn't have to be viable in the 3D world. It just has to be sustainable in your internal world.

Yet I found myself in therapy yesterday explaining things going on inside to therapist and admitting that those things sounded rediculous as they were coming out of my mouth. I have learned over time that arguing with myself or parts about the reality or validity of the things going on is futile. Whether it makes sense or seems possible or not to me is pointless. It is real to the part(s) experiencing it and I know I must honor that.

Knowing this, I'm looking at entering another scary place in therapy that I don't really want to try to go while I'm working, going to school and planning a wedding. But hey, when has my system decided to do the hard work when my life isn't stressful? Plus, I know me. The better I feel, the busier I'll get, and I won't ever address some things unless I'm made to. :P

I'm finding the motivation to continue to do the hard work in therapy is much less when I'm not in a desperate place where I need things to change just in order to want to stay alive. Things aren't where I want them in my life, but they're good enough for now. This mindset makes it so hard for me to want to push through and continue doing the difficult and painful work that always makes you feel worse before you feel better. I know I need to do this work b/c I want all of me to feel as good as the one part of me writing this blog tonight feels. I also definitely don't want to backslide to where I was!! That alone should be motivation enough.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

I'm Still Here

Hello to anyone still keeping up with my blog. I'm still here. Today feels like the first day in several days that I've had the opportunity to try to blog. Things are going well. Most days I feel like I'm just playing catch up all day. It always seems that there's more to do that I can get done and I'm always running about 2 or 3 steps behind. Having no fixed plans this weekend has helped me at least start to feel on top of things again and get some much needed rest.

There are lots of things I could talk about or focus on because it's been over a week since I've blogged, but it can all basically be summed up in one main issue. Therapy is tough right now, but I don't have time to process it once I walk out of therapist's office because life is in full gear. This is posing some problems internally. And I haven't been as disoriented as I was walking out of this past Wednesday's session in years. Unfortunately, there was no time that evening to process things more, and I've just been having to run on auto pilot.

I'm having lunch with a dear friend in about an hour. I'm hoping to get her take on how to balance external life and some severe struggles internally without letting either one overtake the other and end up in absolute chaos.

Mostly I just feel like I wish I could pause life for a bit so I could process some things internally that really need to be processed without getting behind in school, wedding planning, and without neglecting my fiancee and others that are important to me in my life.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ramblings about my week

I can't believe another week has gone by between blog entries. Things seem to be going a mile a minute right now. Crackers and Juice (aka Tempy) came to visit for the weekend. She has an awesome designing talent and hand designed my wedding invitations. Not being near as artistic as she is, she flew down to print them, cut them, and help me assemble them (well, really I think I helped her assemble them). A project that should have taken about a day and a half ended up taking almost 3 days due to ignorant people in this redneck town I'm currently living in. We ran into issues at FedEx with their inability to correctly cut the special paper Tempy ordered for me, issues at Hobby Lobby changing their ribbon color and style slightly while claiming it's the exact same thing, and issues finding a stupid UHU glue stick at office stores that claimed to be carriers. I don't think I could have kept away the tears and laughed so hard if Tempy wasn't with me. Well, the DQ blizzard helped some too.

Sunday night I took Tempy to the airport so she could fly home and then headed off to meet my fiancee. I threw him and his roommate a joint birthday party Sunday night. Not as many people could make it as I hoped, but everyone loved the restaurant that I picked!

Monday was middle schoolers and therapy. Tuesdays was middle schoolers and fiancee's actual birthday. I had assumed we'd go out to dinner but silly boy forgot that Tuesday was his actual birthday and made plans for us to meet with a couple who is doing some informal pre-marital counseling with us. We both really respect this couple and the dinner and meeting with them was great. It was very intense, and of course I ended up in tears at one point. Seems I do that all too often these days.

The conversation actually helped me gain some clarity on some bigger issues for me. We didn't get everything resolved last night, so of course my mind started obsessing on how I probably handled things wrong and was overreacting to everything fiancee said. My dear friend Emily let me call her and cry into the phone for an hour and helped me sort through what was craziness in my head, what was trauma related, and what was completely validated.

I spent last night and all day today in prayer asking God for peace and wisdom and was able to have a very beneficial conversation with fiancee tonight. Whew! It was an excellent way to end the day b/c I need a good night's sleep. I had therapy this morning (therapist was very helpful in helping me tease things out better too) then went to work and saw 4 clients, then went to class, then went to get clarity on a cell phone bill and made it home at the exact same time fiancee got to my place.

Tomorrow I'm working all day and going to Bible study in the evening. It's hard for me to get motivated for bible study in the evening b/c I'm usually spent at the end of the day, but when I go it's so rewarding. Friday after work, I'm picking up my soon to be mother-in-law at the airport and we're headed to my hometown for a couple of wedding showers. I'll drop her off at the airport on Monday and things will start up all over again.

Hope it's not another week before I blog again, but it might be. No worries. I'm still here. Just crazy busy!!!!!