*Sigh*

It's almost 6am. I've been home for about 30 minutes. I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and I've even made it into bed... But I don't want to lie down and go to sleep. Tonight (well, I guess it's actually day now) I sleep alone. Hubby is away for 6 months, and this is the first 'night' without him. I don't know if I can sleep without another body in the bed.... without him stealing the covers, accidentally elbowing me in the nose, and making funny and annoying noises in his sleep.

My heart just hurts so much. I just keep reminding myself(us) that hubby is going in God's hands. God is in control, and I can pray safety over hubby. Praise God that someone.. that He is in control. I have no control over this situation anymore, and while it was so much harder than last time to let hubby leave today, it is good to find a small amount of comfort knowing that he will never be on his own and that God is on his side.

Hopefully with a couple of good cries and some sleep, I'll feel better and be in a place where I can start to figure out what my "normal" routine is going to be while hubby is gone.

I just keep screaming in my head "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!" And maybe it's not, but life isn't fair. Hubby signed up to do the job he does, and I've known for awhile that today was coming. It hurts for both of us, but I am so proud of him and his commitment. It's totally worth the pain of having to be apart from him to have the honor and joy of being his wife, but that in no way means this pain is easy.

Okay...gonna try to lie down. Think exhaustion may win out soon and I'll sleep anyways.

Night...err...good morning y'all.

Hanging On

Not up to writing much. I don't know if it makes sense to say I have peace about the future, but I'm still going through a great amount of depression and sadness. Hubby deploys sometime at the end of this week. We have a general idea of when, but for safety and security reasons, we probably won't know a definite time until 24 hours out.

He is being so amazing dealing with all of my tears. He even seems to really understand that I know I can let him go and that I will go on with my life while he is away, but NO part of my being wants him to go or wants to let him go. I'm glad he gets this because it helps me feel less guilty like I might be making things worse for him by adding to his plate extra worry about me.

I know God's hand is in this and He has great plans for both of us during our time apart and in our individual mission fields. This part is exciting! Unfortunately, today and the past several days, I've only been able to recognize this at a mental level. Emotionally I'm just a basket case and don't even want to be made to feel better...

Praise God he understands me even when I don't, and that He loves me in the midst of all my humanness.

Runaway train

My life feels like a runaway train right now. So much has changed, is changing, and is going to change, and it all feels out of my control. Now, I realize lots of things in my life are always out of my control, but lately I seem to be grasping for anything that I can have say-so over. In fact, it's getting so bad that I caught myself restricting my food intake yesterday. I made myself eat once I realized what I was doing, b/c I DO NOT want to go back down that road again, but I'm finding it really hard. Going to the grocery store today about caused a panic attack and all of the food looked disgusting. I'm also having self-injury impulses again. I haven't acted out or really even come close, but it's major sirens inside that I'm even having the impulses.

The military changes my husband's plans, schedule, away training dates, home training dates, deployment date every other day. He reacts and responds much better than me. Sure he gets frustrated, but without a trauma history and 6+ years of military life, he rolls with the punches much better than I do. I hope I get better with time, and I probably can with the military stuff.... but I don't know how to overcome the fear and anxiety that comes from feeling no control over anything in my life and not being able to talk to my husband about it b/c he's always working, my parents about it b/c they freak out and think I'm on a downward spiral again, or most friends b/c they just don't get it.

I'm really missing Tempy right now. She's where she needs to be and is getting an awesome chance for growth and experience, but she's my go to person. Only getting to talk to her for 15 minutes once a week is hard when we used to talk several hours a week. It's a compliment to how awesome she is that I miss her so much, and I know she is exactly where she needs to be and where God wants her to be... I just doesn't help my selfish wish to have her listening ear available right now. I know how God was using her before going to Mercy Ministries, and I am truly excited to see how he will continue to use her when she graduates.

Anyways, it just really sucks to walk around all of the time with your insides screaming "I'm in pain! I need help!" and on the outside still going to my internship and appearing to be fine and have it altogether. It's very reminiscent of the dark valley we were in for so many years and have only experienced some relief from over the past 2 years.

I wish I could hit a pause button on life just long enough to process everything in my mind and all of these emotions and feel like my head is well above water again. But there is no "pause" button or "easy" button.... so I guess it's just one foot in front of the other until this too passes.

a side note

I need to step away from the blog format of the past 4 days to throw in an extra entry b/c I'm not sure where else to talk about it. For those of you keeping up with the Eight Lies Most Trauma survivors believe, Lie #5 will be posted later this afternoon.


A classmate and aquaintance of mine (we're friends in class and on FB, but we don't hang out in real life) recently lost her husband in Afghanistan. I only found out about it this morning b/c it's summer, and I haven't really seen or talked to her all summer. I am heartbroken for her. She is a widow at the age of 25 with a 4 year older daughter, a 2 year old daughter, and a 2 month old daughter.

It can be easy at times to play the "army wife". I go to my FRG meetings and am polite and sociable. This morning I went on the Family Fun Run where families of my husband's batallion run 2 miles with their soldier. I'll meet a gazillion people I won't remember tonight at a Hail and Farewell..... Sometimes I can almost forget how in 6 months he'll be in mortal danger everyday again when he deploys.... how precious and fragile life is....

I'm sad that he leaves Sunday for a month for training, but I'm not worried about his safety. He's not leaving the States. I will miss him, but he'll come home. But there's nothing similar to the death of a soldier that you knew or watching someone grieve their husband for our freedom.

How can I ache so badly from a situation that I am so removed from? And the thought of something happening to my husband when he deploys again..... well, I can't even go there... I know it's good that I don't on a regular basis. Most soldiers come home safe and sound, but it is very very sobering to be reminded of all of the men and women (including my husband) whose job by nature asks them to risks their lives daily and that not all of them will come home.

Sorry to be riding the depressing train this morning, but this didn't seem like crisis enough to contact T and it's hard to talk to hubby b/c he just wants to tell me not to worry.

Somebody please tell me again why I let love convince me I was strong enough to be an Army wife????

Holiday Celebrations

This 4th of July was the 3rd one that hubby and I have been in a relationship over, but the first one we've actually been able to spend together. July 4, 2008 he was in California training for deployment. July 4, 2009 he was in Afghanistan working hard so I and everyone else in the US could enjoy our 4th of July freedom. This year he was home and with me. We had a 4 day weekend and spent a couple of days at an amusement part and then a couple of days at the lake with my family.

Since meeting hubby and especially since his return from deployment all holidays seem to carry more weight. Hubby enjoys the holidays and the time off from work, but his mind is constantly thinking of those soldiers who are deployed and not at home to enjoy the holidays with their family. Patriotic holidays are the worst. They are a curse and a blessing for him right now (and for me too). On one hand, there is a much greater understanding of what American freedom means and how great the cost was and is, but on the other hand hubby struggles with guilt that he is here enjoying that freedom while others are constantly risking their lives overseas. Next 4th of July he will again be serving in Afghanistan (boo for me), and he is able to understand that this is his time home to rest and retrain. When he goes back over, the guys there now will have their time home to rest and get ready to go back. Everything he does at work now revolves around deploying again. He rarely has out of site out of mind moments (like most of us do) about the war that is still raging in the Middle East. In fact, the only times I ever see hubby tear up are when he's talking about deployed soldiers - during the toast at our wedding on Memorial Day weekend and talking to me during the fireworks show 4th of July night. He struggles not to get frustrated by how little people actually know and understand about what's going on. He gets that it's because so many are just no exposed to the war or much information about it on a regular basis, so he works hard to keep things in perspective and be gracious, but I know patriotic holidays are extra hard for him.

While I am now walking this road with him and I have a much greater and personal understanding of all the sacrifices and danger involved, I also realize I do not walk this road at the same level he does, and I'm working hard to be supportive and find ways that help him express whatever he feels without feeling judged or told to "get over it."

Thinking about this situation with him the past couple of days has gotten me thinking about how so many of us walk our own war and battles (either with memories or current dangerous situations) and most of society has no clue the toll it's taking on you or others you know who are fighting the same battle. If you're blessed, you have a spouse, family, or friends who do their best to understand and be supportive... and who may even get things to an extent as they walk through life with you, but no one can really understand it like you do, and those that come the closest to understanding are the ones who have walked or are walking the same battles.

In some ways I feel like hubby and I are both fighting "quieted" wars. His is sometimes in the media and uses weapons and explosives, but the majority of the world has no clue as to what things are really like. Only those I tell know about my war and it seems the overall war against fighting sexual abuse and assault is one that is pushed under the carpet too much b/c it's too heinous to think that people are actually that perverted and cruel. But I know my struggles, I see my friends' struggles and it is all very real.... Just as real as the war in the Middle East... and no matter how much the general population may want to ingore both, they are happening and affecting a larger number of people than I think anyone can imagine.

On a personal level, my prayers that hubby and I can continue to learn how to best support each other in our battles and also reach out to those in similar circumstances as us and offer support and encouragment as well.

Reminders

Everyday I have some very close friends who struggle with suicidal ideations. I hate this struggle for the because I spent so many years there myself and even have reoccurences of those feelings occassionally these days. With people that struggle in these situations, I feel I stay well aware of how fragile life is and how I might lose one of them at any moment if they allow life to overcome them.... not that I would blame them. They're dealing with some rough stuff.... but I also truly believe God will sustain us if we trust him and don't life overwhelm us to the point of choosing to end our own.

However, I still am always taken aback by the sudden, unexpected deaths that weren't at one's own hand. In these moments I am reminded how fragile life is for everyone on this planet.... how easily someone we love may be called away from this earth or how fragile my life still is even though I am no longer my number one death threat.

I apologize that this post sounds so morbid. It's just what I've been reflecting on this evening. See, fiance and I had dinner at his commander's house tonight with a couple of other captains and their wives. We were all having a wonderful time. They are such nice people, and it's very nice for me to actually know some of the women whose husbands will be deploying with mine in Feb. As we were wrapping up dinner, fiance's commander got a phone call. The call was to tell him that his mother had just passed away. Obviously, this was the end of the dinner party. The 6 of us guests helped clear the table and tried to do as much as we could to make clean up easier on the family. I got the impression that the major's mother was not ill and the phone call of her death was a shock.

"You have made my days a mere handbreadth; the span of my years is as nothing before you. Each man's life is but a breath." Psalm 39:5


I need to remember that I do not know how many days I will be blessed to have those I love here with me or how many days God is going to bless me with on this planet. No day or moment should be taken for granted. Lord help me remember this when wedding stress or PMS or bad moods keep me from appreciating all of my blessings and keeping my focus on what is most important.

Memorial Service *TW* Talk of Suicide

I attended my first military memorial service today. At times, there was some discomfort for me in the formality of the event, but at the same time there was a sense of honor and respect being paid to the deceased because of the protocol being followed. Overall, I left very impressed with the way the memorial service was handled.

The reason for the service was another reason. The sergeant we were memorializing committed suicide last week. My fiance was deployed with him in Afghanistan until they came home in Dec. All I heard about this sergeant that may have played into his suicide were that he came home from deployment to his wife divorcing him and then the weekend before he passed away, his girlfriend broke up with him. These issues on top of reintegration from war, send a "well duh" thought through my head. However, it seems no one else saw it coming. He had future trips planned, he wasn't giving away everything he owned, etc.

Many of those (including my fiance) that I had the privilege to speak with are in total shock. I understand their shock. Even with friends that have committed suicide and I knew they were in a space they might do that, there is a shock that comes along with not being able to believe they actually followed through. At the same time, being someone who was suicidal for so many years and watching close friends of mine struggle with suicidality, I highly doubt there were no signs. The signs were just too subtle for the "normal" person to notice.

I say "normal" b/c I believe those of us who have been suicidal at one point or another in our life or have people close to us who are gain a better understanding of what to look for and a gut feeling of when someone else might be struggling that much, even if they're hiding it from 95% of the people in their life. I believe it's also hard for a person who has never been suicidal to fathom situations or feelings that would push someone to that point. I bet you anything, those closest to him didn't realize the internal turmoil he'd probably been dealing with since returning home in Dec or even before. All it took was something big (or small) to be his breaking point.

Memorial services for someone who dies from suicide always feel so much sadder and more painful for me. When someone dies in battle, or in a car wreck, or in some way that is out of their control, for some reason it is easier to cope with. It's easier to think they've found peace with Jesus. NOTE: I do NOT believe suicide equates the inability for God's grace to cover you and grant you eternal life with him. I do find myself feeling more that the person's life was cut short though. What great things might they still have seen, done, or felt in the name of the Lord if they'd just stuck it out? Feelings are ever changing. I do know what it's like to be chronically depressed and suicidal for 5 straight years, so I know it's tiring, but I also know that the depression and impulses did wax and wane during that time, and it is possible to overcome.

I think part of the sickening thud that settles in my stomach when I hear of a suicide and especially if I attend the person's funeral or know the person personally is b/c I know how close I was in the Spring of 2008 of causing that pain on so many around me. In the moment, I couldn't see past what was directly in front of me, so I don't hold guilt per say. I was very sick. But I constantly praise God that he put me in a place where people could intervene and I could be given another chance and receive help from people who could help me.

At the memorial service today, I cried. I never met this sergeant. My fiance didn't know him all that well. Yet we were both greatly affected today by his death. For me, it's just another reminder that people I don't even know might be effected if I chose to end my life before God calls me home.

I am very much in prayer for the family and friends of this sergeant and of anyone who has lost a loved one to suicide. In addition, I am in deep prayer for those people I know and those I don't know who are having suicidal impulses. God always provides a way out, we just have to choose to pay attention to it and take it.

And praise God that he took care of me when I didn't want to pay attention or take advantage of my way out of my suicidal impulses and acted on them. If I had succeeded, I would not be getting married to the man of my dreams in less than 4 weeks, I wouldn't have been able to realize my dream to be a therapist - and a good one at that. And I for sure wouldn't have realized my desire to function well and happy on only 20mg of Prozac instead of 10 psychotropic meds at one time.

God is bigger than suicide. I wish I knew how to help people (including myself) remember this in moments of utter despair when all you can see, think, feel, act on is getting out of this world and ending this life as soon as possible!!!!

He's home!!!!!

Fiancee is home!!!! He got in very early this morning (just after midnight). The welcome home ceremony was actually pretty cool, and we made it back to my place by around 2:30am. Finally fell asleep somewhere around 4am. We spent today moving him into a place to live and just hanging out. It is so nice to go to sleep tonight knowing he's just on the other side of town and not on the other side of the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Homecoming

I'm beginning to think I am not cut out to deal with the flexibility that is required with being an Army wife. At the beginning of the week, I was told fiancee would be arriving home from his year deployment in Afghanistan, very early on the morning of Dec. 4 (actually about 6 hours from right now). The early hour killed me, as I am not a morning person, but this was such an excellent notice because, tomorrow, Dec. 4 is my birthday. What better birthday present could I ask for??????

Over the past 72 hours, they've changed his arrival time at least 4 times. The latest change happened around 4pm today. Now he won't be home until 8:30pm on Saturday. Blah. Still an excellent add to my b-day weekend, but sadness he won't be here on my birthday. Also, I'm doubting his set time to come home will actually be when he gets home. Considering the time changed by more than 12 hours in a less than 4 hour period today, I expect it to continue to change. It's leaving parts of us wondering if he'll ever make it home. Granted, we know that he will, but b/c the end is in sight but not graspable (is that a word?) it feels almost torturous. Hanging the one thing we want more than anything right now out in front of us but never in reach.

Things at work were a bit better this week but not because my supervisor actually stepped up and did anything. In fact, on Tuesday I realized he was never going to, so unless I wanted to lose my GA position, I realized it was up to me to figure something out. After lots of thought and prayer the past 2 days, I proposed in our team meeting that I work 2 1/2 days a week and horrible co-worker work the other 2 1/2 days out of the week. This way we would never overlap and it will eliminate my issues with co-worker. I do feel sorry for co-workers I like though b/c this does not address horrible co-worker's inappropriate behaviors last week or in previous weeks or the name calling that I had to endure. It just means I won't have to run into him anymore. Whatever. Monday is my last day at work and then I'm off for Christmas until Jan. If more stuff needs to be changed, I'll figure it out then.

You know, it's good to know we're finding ways to stand up for ourselves as an adult and find solutions to bad situations and protect ourselves, but at the same time, it's so frustrating to realize how many times we've (and lots of people for that matter) gone unheard as an adult when asking for help from the ones who are supposed to be able to give it. If it's hard to be heard as an adult when an injustice is going on, it makes perfect sense that kids who ask for help go just as unheard if not more so.... and people wonder why we gave up trying to tell what was going on when we were a kid....

Holiday Highlights

I feel so much has happened in the last few days, and I'm too tired to blog about it all. I've decided to hit the highlights tonight and come back and blog in more detail later the things I decide I want/need to.

• Friend that was in the ICU came through surgery well and will hopefully discharge tomorrow. Still going to be on oxygen for awhile and has a long road, but he's slowly improving.
• All of my dad's family was in town for Thanksgiving, and it was awesome!! We rarely all get together anymore, and it was so much fun, not to mention all of the good food!!!!
• My wedding dress came in this week, so my mom, sister, and female cousins came with me to my first fitting on Friday. It should have been an exciting event.
• Wedding dress looked nothing like it was supposed to. The coloring was wrong and it was 2 sizes too big. Plus, there was a big black spot on the train that the store owner swears she didn't do. I was crushed! I hated the dress, but we've already paid for 1/2 of it, and it's non-returnable according to the manufacturer, so now I have to fight it out with the store owner.
• Mom knew how upset I was about the dress despite me trying to hide it, so she got me up early Saturday morning and we went wedding dress shopping again. I fell in LOVE with a dress at the store we went to on Saturday and my amazing mother bought that dress for me. So for the time being, I have 2 wedding dresses. The new dress was made for me though. I love it and am no longer distraught but am excited to walk down the aisle in a few months knowing I will look like a princess.
• Saturday night got a phone call from the Army. Fiancee will be home on Friday (my birthday) very early in the morning!!!!!!!!!!!
• Tonight at church, a good friend of mine told me a friend of her's committed suicide yesterday (I didn't know the girl). Losing 2 friends, a professor, and an uncle to suicide in the last 5 years, I know the pain she's feeling right now.... and that thought pattern of.... if I'd only known, maybe I could have done something....

All of this on top of the crazy week with co-worker has left me exhausted and emotionally drained. I really do not enjoy going from high to low to high to low, etc.. with my emotions. Seems I learned some emotion regulation skills along the way, but they're not really working in my current setting. It's amazing how much even positive stuff can drain you.

This upcoming week there's likely to be confrontation at work with co-worker (thankfully it's my last week at work til after Christmas) and fiancee coming home on Friday is going to be completely awesome and incredibly emotionally exhausting at the same time. I have been so blessed in so many ways over the past week despite some of the rough spots. My current stressors are "normal people" stressors, so that helps me not beat myself up over them for possibly overreacting, but it does make me want a day or two break from life so I can recouperate.

Life is crazy!!!! I think Phil Collins sums up my life best right now with a line from one of his songs - " I love this awful, beautiful life!"

And I thought I was a planner..

I was on the phone with fiance' last night. At first the talk was going great. He'll be home in 2 weeks and said things should be settled down enough that we can plan and book our honeymoon in February. As of now there's no reason we won't be able to take it right after our wedding, but in Feb. we'll know for sure when we can go and can actually book the trip!!

This is where the conversation turned. The reason we won't know for sure until Feb. is because in March his unit will be 12 months out from their next deployment, and that's when they'll start gearing up for training again. It kills me that he already knows his next deployment date before he's even home from this deployment. I know he's telling me these things to explain that our wedding and honeymoon should fall at a good time as far as the military's concerned, but right now I just feel worse. He said he probably won't start traveling for training until July or Aug. - another way to say our honeymoon should be approved. The summer before his last deployment, he had to take 2 one month long training missions with the Army. So, in essence, he was telling me that less than 2 months after we're married, he'll be gone for a month and this probably won't be his only trip before he deploys again March 2011.

I did stop him and say, "Babe, can we just get through this deployment before you start talking about the next?" He was sweet and said of course. We talked about other things and then he had to go. Unfortunately, while I was able to get him to stop talking about it, we haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've cried off and on last night and all day today about it. I love him so much, and I know he is the man I want to marry, but I don't know if I can handle military life. How long will we be together before we're actually together longer than we've been apart? I feel so selfish wanting a husband who will actually be around and be a support. I am so proud of what he does, and I know he doesn't enjoy being away from me all the time either. Also, it will just be the first 5 years of our marriage, and praying we get to be married for a long time to come, I know that can be a drop in the bucket.

But right now I'm feeling scared and unsure. I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this though because I'm so afraid it will be misconstrued as doubt about marrying fiance'. And I feel selfish for saying I don't like what fiance' can offer me right now. It's not his fault when he had to deploy or when he has to go to training. I've been aware this went a long with him since our 3rd date.

And then I tell myself, this doesn't even matter right now, and I need to stick to the same thing that I told him. Get through this deployment, enjoy his time home, our wedding, and then start worrying about his next deployment.

Blah...

Two down, two to go

2 projects turned in, 2 more to go and then all I'll have left is finals!!! That's incredibly exciting, but my last 2 projects still have a lot of work left to be done on them. On another positive, yet stressful note, fiance' is scheduled to arrive home in 2 weeks (the week these projects and presentations are due). I CANNOT wait for him to get home, but seriously, I don't think the Army could have picked a worse week to send him home. If he could come home one week earlier or one week later, then I wouldn't be forced to choose between him and school. Obviously, he will win, but I'm running close to getting a 4.0 this semester, and it destroys a part in me who takes our job and academics seriously to think that I would jeopardize a whole semester for "a boy".

I know her reaction shouldn't make me laugh, but I wonder if she'll ever understand how he is so much more to me and other parts than just some boy. I also know a 'B' in a class won't kill us either or prevent us from getting a good job once we graduate.

Ahh, the pros and cons of being a multiple...

Planning for the future

Fiance' called last night. It was the first time we've talked on the phone in over 2 weeks!! We got to talk for a whole 30 minutes. It was awesome!!! He's exhausted, but he's getting excited b/c in 6 weeks, he'll get to start the process of coming home. It will probably still be closer to 2 months before he's actually home, but at least 10 days of that time will be traveling, so that helps. It looks like his unit is set to deploy again Spring 2011, so at least I'll have him home for over a year before he deploys again, and we'll get to be together the first 8 months of our marriage. I know that's more than alot of newlyweds get when one of them is in the Army. I hate to think about him having to go back to Afghanistan again, but for now it's really fun to focus on all of the things that will happen and that we get to do together while he's home.

Also, in planning for the future, we're at the point in therapy where we're going to have to start addressing some majorly uncomfortable issues so that my marriage in a little less than 8 months won't send some parts into a tailspin and put my marriage in jeopardy before it even has a chance. These issues aren't even related to helping fiance' understand what he may need to in order to live with us well. They're more issues with parts and memories so that we can fulfill the role of 'wife' well without freaking out.... and dare I say some of us actually enjoying it without that being "wrong". I want to be married right now, but knowing where other parts are in accepting all of this and in their healing, I am glad we still have several months to prepare everyone and work through some things. We don't adjust to anything quickly, so it will probably take us right up to the wedding for enough parts to be okay with things that everything will go as smoothly as possible.

Did I mention that I'm working and going to school full-time to? Everything I'm doing are things I want to be doing, but sometimes I can't help but wonder if I really am just trading out certain types of 'punishment' for others. At least everything I'm doing now is considered productive from the world's standards.

Speaking of school, I gotta get back to it. Will probably be spelling things from this post out in more detail as they unfold, but for now, this is a start.

Deployment sucks!

So, I don't know how many of you watch the news or keep up with what's going on in Afghanistan, but for those of you that do, my fiance was one of the soldiers fighting in that deadly battle in Northern Afghanistan this weekend. Praise God he is safe, but they lost one of their own this weekend. First one of their guys lost in the 10 months they've been deployed. They are very blessed to have all stayed so far, but it just brings this war so much closer to home for me. Only 2 months left in his deployment. I've done really well so far, but maybe because things are getting worse over there and because the end is in sight, my fears for fiance's safety are growing.

I'm so afraid he's not going to come home to me. This isn't an unrealistic fear, but I do believe it is an unlikely fear. I really just want him home RIGHT NOW!!!! I don't want to wait 2 more months. But I need to stay strong and I need to be upbeat and positive when talking to him. I feel keeping his morale up is the best way I can support him right now. But it's getting hard, and I'm tired of being strong.

Why can't this stupid war just be over? Don't get me wrong. I am SO PROUD of fiance and everything he is doing and what he is fighting for, but I'm tired. I just want him home and I just want things to be normal, and I HATE already talking about plans for his next deployment!

You think I haven't thought of that?

Fiance' will be home from Afghanistan in about 2 1/2 months. We are so excited that his year of deployment is almost over!!! On the other hand, his coming home means we're finally going to have the time and the setting to tell him I am actually a "we". I truly believe he can handle it or I wouldn't have agreed to marry him without making sure he knew first. Timing has just not been as I'd hoped as far as sharing my past and internal world with his deployment, but I know I want to marry him, so there was NO WAY I was saying "no" when he asked me to marry him.

Anyways, with him coming soon, family and close friends seem to feel the need to weigh in on what I need to tell him, when I need to tell him, and how I need to tell him about my "secret life." I know they're just trying to be helpful but this just flies all over me!!!!! First of all, I haven't been living a secret around him. I/we've just been us. The only thing we haven't done is distinguish ourselves and make sure he calls each of us by our respective names. Second, I've been thinking about how I would tell the man I marry about what life is like as a multiple since I realized I was one. Third, therapist and I have been working for over a year on how we would specifically tell fiance' when the time was right, and we've really been focusing on what, how, when, etc. since we got engaged.

Also, I know it's a big thing to tell someone, but does it really have to be a big deal? Everyone acts like I'm about to drop a huge bomb on him. Is my perception wrong because I don't see it that way? Am I trying to downplay my symptoms and what living with DID is like b/c I am afraid I might scare him off? Why is having a coping skill that saved our lives seem like such a bad thing to those around me. I'm still the same person I've always been, just as genuine as I've always been with him. How does filling him in on how my mind works have to equal a huge ordeal that requires tons of input from people, even when I'm not asking for their opinion?

Maybe we are playing this down. The fact that we refer to ourselves in the plural tense alone may be enough to freak someone out. I don't know. I just know that I wish everyone would stay out of it unless I ask for their opinion. I don't think I can run through any more different scenarios or come up with any more different ways to present things. I've been and will continue to play different scenarios of this conversation(s) in my head until they actually take place sometime in January.

I asked for some advice from a very wise person about 10 days ago and he really gave me some good advice and lots of peace about my decision. Since then, family and friends have decided to chime in again (are they afraid I'm going to forget fiance' and I need to have this talk before we're married?) and remind me how I don't need to do anything to make fiance' think I'm deceiving him by not telling him everything.... how important trust is in a relationship.. I'm getting a lecture on the importance of trust in a relationship??????? What in the world????? Anyways, now I'm second guessing things again and wondering if the way we've decided to tell him is the right way. Is there even a right way? And the anxiety returns. At least for a few short days, I felt confident in my ability to talk to him and was feeling nothing but excitement about him coming home so we could start the rest of our lives together.

I'll talk to therapist on Wednesday. Maybe she can help me regain some of that peace and excitement instead of dread that I'm going to disappoint or scare off the person I love more than anyone else on the planet.

I think times like these are what trigger posts like yesterday.... feelings that where I am still isn't enough progress or far enough and difficulty feeling content with where I am despite being able to see the immense amount of progress I've made over the past 2 years. I'm still not good enough or sane enough or whatever enough to just be accepted as I am where I am by anyone other than therapist.

God please help me to see myself the way you see me and the way I believe fiance' sees me and not the way satan is telling me I should be seen or the way I believe others to perceive me.

Short post - well, I meant for it to be short ;)

It's way past my bedtime, and tomorrow I start my new job and a new semester of classes. I really should be sleeping. I want to start things off right. Feeling a bit nervous about tomorrow. I think the majority of it is b/c we are in a new city where we know no one. It's not like starting a new job where I can meet up with the same friends after work or come home to the same roommate. Everything is new. While I am very excited about all of these changes, I must admit that I am not getting through this anxiety free. All I need to do is make it through this week. After that, I think the newness will pass and I will get into a routine. That's the way it always goes.

Oh, I also think I'm feeling a little stressed because I didn't realize marrying a man in the Army meant I was marrying the Army too. I know, apparently I'm extremely naive when it comes to this stuff. I knew I would move where ever the Army said, and I would do things with other army wives, but I had no idea there were books out there called "The Army Wife's Social Code of Ethics". What in the world? Apparently, my naivete could get us both blacklisted within the first month of our marriage. I've ordered the books. If I mess up, I don't want it to be out of ignorance. Apparently, since fiance recently made Captain, there's a lot more that goes along with being an Army wife. I think I will be doing lots of involuntary volunteering and there is a hierarchy among the wives just like among the soldiers. Oh, so much to learn! The wedding is 9 months away so I have plenty of time, but that was quite a shock to me to learn over the weekend. Good thing I love fiance so much!! I had no idea marrying him meant I was joining the Army as well.

Fiance also told me there's a good chance I won't be able to spend next Christmas with my family. I don't know what that means, and he didn't elaborate. I will be so happy when he gets home and he can't use the excuse, "I can't tell you, we're not talking on a secure line."! I've never missed a Christmas with my family. Even one time when I really needed IP treatment, I convinced my treatment team and my parents to let me be admitted on Dec. 26 so I could spend Christmas with my family. I know what you're thinking. It's a year and a half away, and it's the Army so things will probably change 5000 times between now and then, and you're right. I won't fret over this long. Just felt like I had a lot of big information to take in over the weekend and haven't really processed it yet.

God is good and He will work everything out. "For what man has added even a minute to his life by worrying?" - wish I could remember that Bible verse of the top of my head. I know it's New Testament and Jesus said it.

And with that thought in mind, I'm going to sleep. Night all!

Excellent Vacation!

The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of events! Boyfriend was in the States on his R&R, and I spent the entire time with him. We traveled to Colorado for his brother's wedding, to Maine to spend more time with his parents, and spent the last 5 days at home just hanging out with friends and getting some good time just the two of us. I dropped him back off at the airport this morning for him to return to Afghanistan for the 2nd half of his deployment. Saying good-bye was sooo hard, but I'm doing pretty well right now. I think that's because I'm working on planning our future together. On Tuesday boyfriend proposed and is now my fiance!!!! We are getting married May 2010, so between wedding planning and school, the 2nd half of fiance's deployment should go pretty fast. Now that I'm not completely distracted by the love of my life, I'm trying to going to try to get back into therapy and blogging. I took a 2 week break from both. At the top is a picture of my ring. I absolutely love it!!!!!! (I tried to post the pic at the bottom, but am sadly blogger challenged and couldn't find a way to move it to the bottom) Going to take the rest of the weekend to chill, and then hit the ground running again on Monday. I can only imagine how parts are going to react to the engagement when things slow down enough for everything to sink in. Probably will have lots to blog about in the coming weeks. :P

1 Year Together

Seems like I've been recognizing a lot of anniversaries lately, but today's is one I'm particularly happy about. My boyfriend and I have been together for one year today and are still going strong! In fact, things are going better than I ever dreamed they would. We're starting to talk marriage and rather than freaking out about, the topic really excites me.

Before current bf my longest relationship was 2 months. I did the breaking up everytime except for one. Inevitably something would happen that in reality was very benign, but it would set off a major trigger and the only thing that ever seemed to calm things down was to end of the relationship. Anything less of that still left me with overwhelming anxiety.

Where I am now is amazing! I never dreamed such an incredible guy would be not only attracted to but in love with me. Most days I still think this has to be a dream. We have our differences like any couple, but most things are fantastic. And honestly, it's just exciting for me to be able to say the word "couple" in reference to myself and not referring to internal parts. ;)

He will be home from Afghanistan for his two weeks of R&R in 10 days. I am soooooo excited!!! I haven't seen him in person in over 5 months. It will be tough when he leaves to go back for the last 6 months of his deployment, but right now I'm just focusing on the 2 weeks we're going to have together.

One year.... wow! I'm really impressed with us. Never thought we'd ever be in a good relationship with a guy that was above our expectations. Really didn't want to settle for less, so had just planned on being single forever...... Thinking that may not be the outcome anymore. :)

Memorial Day

I've always considered myself to be pretty patriotic. Both of my grandfathers were in the military. I have a 2nd cousin serving in Afghanistan right now. On Memorial Day I always take the time to remember those who have died for our freedom and those who are currently fighting for our freedom and safety. I sing the patriotic songs along with the radio, spend time with my family. Overall it's a generally happy holiday for me.

This year has been totally different. With boyfriend currently over in Afghanistan, days like today take on a new meaning. Most of the day I was still really happy. I was very proud to tell my family about the latest things my boyfriend is doing overseas and proud to tell my friends and everyone that he was my boyfriend. I am so proud of his commitment and his bravery.

My drive from my family's place to mine is about an hour and a half. I cranked up the radio and planned to sing along in the car like I usually do. Since it was Memorial Day, most of the Country stations were playing all of their patriotic songs. I knew all of the songs. I've sung along with most of them several times. Tonight though, they overwhelmed me. All I could think about was how far away boyfriend is, how he's at WAR, and how there is the possibility he will never come home to me. Mostly I keep these thoughts in my subconscious and just pretend he's on a trip or something. He'll be home in 2 1/2 weeks for his R&R. I haven't seen him in 6 months. The fact that I'm close to seeing him is making my missing him even worse and my fear that something will stop him from making it home is growing as well. Not to mention he'll only be here for 2 weeks and then he has to go back to Afghanistan for another 6 months.

Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. After about 30 minutes in the car listening to the radio, I guess emotions I've been stuffing or not wanting to feel finally surfaced. All those patriotic songs were having an impact. I had a major meltdown. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone says I've been handling things so well. A meltdown every now and then should be expected. I haven't cried that hard for that long in a very long time. The fear and the heartache were so strong.

This isn't like the abuse or anything to be ashamed of, so I could have called anyone for support. My family, my friends, my therapist, but I didn't want to call anyone. It felt like I needed to grieve this alone. I'm assuming it's because I've grieved most major things in my life alone b/c sharing them with someone else was out of the question. To a degree, I guess it's become my preferred way of grieving. I don't know what's healthy or not. I just know I noticed that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I was in the middle of my meltdown. I also know by the time I got home, I was loathing the fact that it was Memorial Day b/c I am tired of being reminded why this day exists in the first place.

I know this is all just my emotions going crazy because boyfriend has been gone so long and I'm hearing about how many soldiers have died in war and specifically in Afghanistan. I love boyfriend so much. Thoughts of him not coming home to me feel unbearable, so I just don't go there. Today I was kind of forced to. I hope it's not patriotic that I will be happy when this day is over and I don't have to be reminded every second about how dangerous war is and how much I miss boyfriend.

Ugh. Waterworks starting again... Think I'm just going to crawl into bed.

Am I missing something?

A friend of mine's dad committed suicide yesterday. Am I missing something here? It's been less than a month since my cousin committed suicide, and I know a few other people who have had unsuccessful attempts in the last few months.

I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.

Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.

This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?

I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)