I've always considered myself to be pretty patriotic. Both of my grandfathers were in the military. I have a 2nd cousin serving in Afghanistan right now. On Memorial Day I always take the time to remember those who have died for our freedom and those who are currently fighting for our freedom and safety. I sing the patriotic songs along with the radio, spend time with my family. Overall it's a generally happy holiday for me.
This year has been totally different. With boyfriend currently over in Afghanistan, days like today take on a new meaning. Most of the day I was still really happy. I was very proud to tell my family about the latest things my boyfriend is doing overseas and proud to tell my friends and everyone that he was my boyfriend. I am so proud of his commitment and his bravery.
My drive from my family's place to mine is about an hour and a half. I cranked up the radio and planned to sing along in the car like I usually do. Since it was Memorial Day, most of the Country stations were playing all of their patriotic songs. I knew all of the songs. I've sung along with most of them several times. Tonight though, they overwhelmed me. All I could think about was how far away boyfriend is, how he's at WAR, and how there is the possibility he will never come home to me. Mostly I keep these thoughts in my subconscious and just pretend he's on a trip or something. He'll be home in 2 1/2 weeks for his R&R. I haven't seen him in 6 months. The fact that I'm close to seeing him is making my missing him even worse and my fear that something will stop him from making it home is growing as well. Not to mention he'll only be here for 2 weeks and then he has to go back to Afghanistan for another 6 months.
Anyways, I'm getting sidetracked. After about 30 minutes in the car listening to the radio, I guess emotions I've been stuffing or not wanting to feel finally surfaced. All those patriotic songs were having an impact. I had a major meltdown. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Everyone says I've been handling things so well. A meltdown every now and then should be expected. I haven't cried that hard for that long in a very long time. The fear and the heartache were so strong.
This isn't like the abuse or anything to be ashamed of, so I could have called anyone for support. My family, my friends, my therapist, but I didn't want to call anyone. It felt like I needed to grieve this alone. I'm assuming it's because I've grieved most major things in my life alone b/c sharing them with someone else was out of the question. To a degree, I guess it's become my preferred way of grieving. I don't know what's healthy or not. I just know I noticed that I didn't want to talk to anyone when I was in the middle of my meltdown. I also know by the time I got home, I was loathing the fact that it was Memorial Day b/c I am tired of being reminded why this day exists in the first place.
I know this is all just my emotions going crazy because boyfriend has been gone so long and I'm hearing about how many soldiers have died in war and specifically in Afghanistan. I love boyfriend so much. Thoughts of him not coming home to me feel unbearable, so I just don't go there. Today I was kind of forced to. I hope it's not patriotic that I will be happy when this day is over and I don't have to be reminded every second about how dangerous war is and how much I miss boyfriend.
Ugh. Waterworks starting again... Think I'm just going to crawl into bed.