I don't know why I continue to be surprised when I find myself depressed and drained..... like I can't understand where the feelings are coming from. It never fails, when I actually sit down and talk things out, I can find enough small things going on that total up to feel rather overwhelming. Today was one of those days. I was blessed that it was a therapy day b/c I got to talk through a lot of things and get feedback. I like therapy days where I walk out feeling much better than I did going in. It's much better than days where you go in feeling good and walk out feeling horrible.
It's been raining here for days and days. I haven't talked to my boyfriend in a week. I'm really struggling with feeling insecure right now too. Some of it is that I'm having more memories about my time with Dr. M, since I found out she was moving here. Some of it is because some good friends who have been with their therapists longer than I've been with mine are having trust issues with their therapists right now. My mind knows their issues do not reflect my relationship with current therapist, but my feelings and the fear don't agree.
The need to perform perfectly right now in order to gain acceptance is so great. The fear that if I'm not doing the absolute best I can, means those I care about will leave me or hate me keeps me constantly on my toes. It's wearing on me. I don't want to "perform" anymore. I just want to be "me/us" and have that be enough. It never feels like enough though. I asked therapist today if we'll get to a point where just being us feels 'good enough'. She believes we will. To us it feels like one of those lofty out there goals that moves every time you try to reach for it. Like it's a nice goal, but one you can never attain.
How many times do you ask for reassurance? How many times do you "test" someone before you can be sure they love you for who you are - bad with the good? Is that ever possible? Is that even something we can get from someone else or is it one of things we have to find internally and believe before anyone else can give it to us?
Too many questions. So few answers. And so much work to do inbetween.