Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Am I missing something?

A friend of mine's dad committed suicide yesterday. Am I missing something here? It's been less than a month since my cousin committed suicide, and I know a few other people who have had unsuccessful attempts in the last few months.

I've been there. I understand the feelings of being suicidal. I understand what it even involves to plan and attempt, but I've never seen them come in a rash like this from people who don't even know each other. I don't think I am, but my mind starts to think I must be missing something if so many people around me are seeing suicide as not only a very viable option, but the best option.

Today was a rough day for me, and I've shed a lot of tears. Oddly enough, none of it was trauma related : I had some painful dental work done this morning, got called into my boss's office to discuss my work numbers being too low (this was frustrating b/c I've really been working my tail off lately - I'm not in trouble at work or anything, but it's really hard for us when our work ethic is questioned), and I said bye to my boyfriend for a few days. He's moving to a different base in Afghanistan closer to the action and we won't be able to talk for a few days at least.

This time last year, one of these would have been enough to make me think suicide. Today the thought never crossed my mind. I think I know this is a good thing, but I'm having mixed feelings. Part of me feels guilty that I don't feel so awful that killing myself is the best option and another part of me wonders if my feelings aren't trustworthy since that's not always my automatic response anymore. It goes back to the question: Do other people know something I don't? And then, there is this part of me that is able to be happy. Happy that everyday is not a "filled with thoughts of suicide" day. I question why I get to have these days when some of those closest to me are struggling so much, it takes all of their energy just to stay alive?

I really just need to learn to stop asking questions. Rarely do I get answers to them and they only seem to frustrate me or leave me feeling helpless and confused. I wonder if there's a pill you can take to stop introspection? ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment