Thursday, November 19, 2009

And I thought I was a planner..

I was on the phone with fiance' last night. At first the talk was going great. He'll be home in 2 weeks and said things should be settled down enough that we can plan and book our honeymoon in February. As of now there's no reason we won't be able to take it right after our wedding, but in Feb. we'll know for sure when we can go and can actually book the trip!!

This is where the conversation turned. The reason we won't know for sure until Feb. is because in March his unit will be 12 months out from their next deployment, and that's when they'll start gearing up for training again. It kills me that he already knows his next deployment date before he's even home from this deployment. I know he's telling me these things to explain that our wedding and honeymoon should fall at a good time as far as the military's concerned, but right now I just feel worse. He said he probably won't start traveling for training until July or Aug. - another way to say our honeymoon should be approved. The summer before his last deployment, he had to take 2 one month long training missions with the Army. So, in essence, he was telling me that less than 2 months after we're married, he'll be gone for a month and this probably won't be his only trip before he deploys again March 2011.

I did stop him and say, "Babe, can we just get through this deployment before you start talking about the next?" He was sweet and said of course. We talked about other things and then he had to go. Unfortunately, while I was able to get him to stop talking about it, we haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I've cried off and on last night and all day today about it. I love him so much, and I know he is the man I want to marry, but I don't know if I can handle military life. How long will we be together before we're actually together longer than we've been apart? I feel so selfish wanting a husband who will actually be around and be a support. I am so proud of what he does, and I know he doesn't enjoy being away from me all the time either. Also, it will just be the first 5 years of our marriage, and praying we get to be married for a long time to come, I know that can be a drop in the bucket.

But right now I'm feeling scared and unsure. I don't feel I can talk to anyone about this though because I'm so afraid it will be misconstrued as doubt about marrying fiance'. And I feel selfish for saying I don't like what fiance' can offer me right now. It's not his fault when he had to deploy or when he has to go to training. I've been aware this went a long with him since our 3rd date.

And then I tell myself, this doesn't even matter right now, and I need to stick to the same thing that I told him. Get through this deployment, enjoy his time home, our wedding, and then start worrying about his next deployment.



  1. It must be hard... I can feel how hard it is in your words. One thing I was thinking about is that my husband, who I have known for over thirty years, is still rarely home. He works very long hours and sometimes I don't see him for days at a time, even though we live in the same house. It's always been this way, and will likely be this way for the forseeable future.
    I know it isn't the same, but I guess, being married to a surgeon, I have learned to take what I can get. He has another calling, like your fiance, and important work. It keeps him away on holidays and birthdays, day and night, week after month after year... but it's his life, it's what he does. He has missed so much of our children growing up.

    Life is compromise.

    I hope it all works out. Congrats on the upcoming wedding and honeymoon... and life. It's all good.

  2. Oh wow, I'm not surprised you are finding this hard bravehearts - I'm sure most people would struggle with it. And knowing that it would be like this from the word go is not a reason not to find it difficult when you are facing it more directly. It's ok to be mad or upset or sad about it - that doesn't imply you don't want to marry him.

    thinking of you, xx