Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Water Works

So the tears started falling earlier today and they've barely stopped. Right now it feels as though I may never stop crying, but rationality tells me that's not true. I don't know all of the reasons I'm crying. Part of it I'm sure is hormonal. Another part is stress and anxiety related to upcoming events and conversations to be had. Another part is frustration-not at friends-but at myself for feeling like I can't be there for a few of my friends who are really struggling despite how badly I'd like to help them. I'm mad at myself too. In my efforts to help one friend, I think I may have inadvertently made things worse, and I have no idea how to fix it. I don't know yet if my efforts will result in a negative outcome, and I won't for a few days, but I so wish I would think before I act sometimes. Even if things work out better than I could hope, I still think it was a stupid move on my part.

Stupid emotions! I was always so careful, so calculated in every decision I made before they came into the picture. I would always think things through, make the logical choice, and know 99% of the time I was making the right and/or best decision. Now I find myself making decisions based upon what I feel is right. I HATE IT! You make potential stupid mistakes when you decide things based upon what you feel without thinking everything all of the way through. I've had feelings long enough to experience good feelings and bad feeling, and I still would give them all back in a heartbeat if I could. Even the great feelings I've had aren't enough to make up for the bad feelings or the ones that cloud my mind and cause me to do things without thinking.

If the situation doesn't work as I hope, I can only pray that my friend will understand that my heart was in the right place, and when I "tried to help" it was because I want so much better for her than what she has now. I don't expect her not to be mad. I only pray that she will forgive me with time.

Wondering if maybe I should just go back to only focusing on myself. At least then I'm only screwing up my own life.

Tears, tears, tears. Maybe this is all one big pity party and I need to grow up and get it together. Everyone makes mistakes. The majority of the human race has feelings. The majority of the human race deals with it. We just need to deal with it too.

I hate days when we do things where we feel like a total idiot and know there's no way to remedy the situation.... You just gotta wait it out.

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