Friday, December 10, 2010

Super Sonic Speed

Yes, that is the pace I feel my life is moving at right now. Not only have I not blogged since before Thanksgiving, but I'm not even finding time in my life to keep up with dear friends that I deeply care about. There is somewhat of an end in sight.

Today was my last day at my internship. I defend my thesis this coming Tuesday and graduate next Friday. Whew! School will be done and that will be a huge relief!!!!

My birthday was last weekend and while I had a blast and did a ton of cool things, I am glad it is over this year so I can rest. I am incredibly sleep deprived and hormonal (not a good combination - well, for anyone I suppose). My husband volunteered to stay home with me tonight for dinner before going out with the guys, and I almost started crying when I looked at him and said "But if you stay home, then I have to cook." I had been looking forward all day to not having to cook tonight. He just assumed I'd be cooking for myself and that he would be doing me a favor by spending part of the night with me. LOL! My dinner tonight was a peanut butter sandwich, and I'm pretty thrilled to be at home alone and NOT have to be doing anything. It's also nice b/c hubby is just out with the guys and not away at a training. He'll be home by bedtime. :) I can't wait until the day when it's our norm where he can go out and still comes home at night rather than the occasional exception.

Anyways, between trying to finish my thesis, celebrate my birthday, being a good wife, and finish up my internship hours, there just haven't seemed to be enough hours in the day.

On top of that I found out on Tuesday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for that I really wanted. I do trust that it means God has a better job he wants me in right now, but it was still disappointing. I did interview for another job yesterday, but after learning more about the position, I can't take it even if they offer it to me. Through my own healing, I've found as a counselor that I can work with most populations of people. I am a good counselor and have overcome my own issues enough that I am even able to work with abuse victims and keep my own stuff separate from theirs. However, I am still not ready nor am I sure I will ever be able to work with abusers. I understand many abusers are just doing behaviors they learned b/c they were abused, but it doesn't make enough of a difference internally right now for me to decide I'm okay being around that population doing therapy with them. I am soooooooooooooooo happy there are people out there who feel called to do this and who are willing and able to help those who want the help. I'm also learning, it's okay and not a deficit in me for me to admit that is not where I can help.

So, next Friday I'm graduating with my second graduate degree, have no job lined up, and no leads for potential jobs. My heart knows that God is in control and all will be okay. He has never failed me. But my mind is a planner and is goal oriented. Not having the ability to make any plans past next Friday or any goals that I'm striving for does not jive with my natural goals and desires. But then again, not much of human nature does jive with what God calls us to and with the gifts he promises us. God always teaches me so much when everything is out of my control and after the fact, I am always thankful. His plans are ALWAYS greater and better than mine. However, I do wish I could learn to keep this trust and faith in him all of the time instead of having to be forced into situations where I really am out of coming up with my own options to rely on God.

This life thing is so hard, confusing, and totally awesome at the same time! Who ever thought I'd reach a point in my life where my main frustrations are that I'm not sure what my new goals are going to be or what I'm supposed to do with myself? I'm not still just trying to figure out how and why to live another day? I'm trying to figure out how to live life well and fully. As much as this sucks right now, it's totally awesome at the same time!!!!!

Okay, I've rambled enough. I'm traveling lots over the holidays but I really do enjoy blogging so I hope to get back into the routine of it soon.

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