Saturday, December 12, 2009

Patience + Ignoring old belifs = Difficult!!!!

The first week of fiancee being home has been such a mixed blessing. It is so wonderful to see him everyday and get to talk to him and hold his hand and feel safe in his arms. On the other hand, it's requiring an immense amount of patience on my part. I believe most of the things he does that hurt my feelings are the result of major jet lag and working everyday in an intense setting surrounded mostly by men for the entire year.

I have to keep telling myself that I really am the most important thing in his life like he told me when he proposed - that he'd rather walk through this life with me than anyone else because most of his actions over the past week, tend to make me think differently. I feel second place to his roommates (2 of whom he was deployed with). I feel second place to his friends he left behind. Last night we watched a movie at his place with his roommates. After it was over, he was exhausted so I told him I'd go and he could go to bed. He said "okay" and went to bed leaving me in the living room by myself. I waited a few minutes and he didn't come back out so I just let myself out of the house. Before, he would have at least walked me to the door and made sure I got in my care safely. A few minutes ago he called and I asked him what his plans for the day were. He said to straighten up his room (no issue here. I know he wants to feel settled), run a few errands, and then he was going to a Christmas party tonight and needed to pick up a White Elephant gift. As an after thought, he said, "Oh you can come too if you want to." I guess it was very naive of me to think he'd want to spend time just him and me. I've barely gotten him to myself since he got home, and the only times I do are when I specifically ask for it. I do believe a lot of things will get better with time when he's less tired. At least I hope the considerateness he had before will return.

What makes this more difficult than just having my feelings hurt is those old messages about how I'll never be good enough to be anyone's top priority; how I don't deserve to be treated nicely; how it's my job to just give and give and never expect anything back; and the some voice inside is screaming that he only wants us for his physical pleasure (even though we've never had s*x with him). It's as though I feel my mind is using these situations to put me back in "my place" after working so hard to get out of underneath all of the lies abuser had us believe. Now my mind is thinking maybe they weren't lies afterall. Crap! We gotta get a hold on this before it gets out of control. Why does it take so long to make progress and feel like I could slip back so quickly???

How do you decipher out the truth? How do I not fall back into the pattern of just being grateful for whatever niceness anyone chooses to throw my way? How do I remember I deserve respect if for no other reason than I am a human being?How do I remember that fiancee is probably just adjusting after being gone for a year? Ugh. I just need this adjustment time over and I need my fiancee to pay attention to me long enough for us to be able to have a real conversation without him getting distracted or falling asleep.

I know most of you don't know me or him, and I was hesitant to post this because fiancee really is a good man and the only way he's ever hurt me is by hurting my feelings - which all of us do to the people we care about sometimes. And I truly believe he's not hurting my feelings on purpose. Unfortunately, this isn't helping me keep the old tapes in my head at bay.

Maybe I'll get to talk to him this afternoon or tomorrow. I hope so anyways.

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