The past few days I've found myself questioning everything in my history... I'm pretty sure it's because a new string of events/memories has started surfacing internally... These memories don't feel anything like mine. It feels like I could be telling another person's story...
In therapy today I found myself confessing to therapist that I'm starting to question everything in my past again. I find myself wondering if the abuse really happened? If so, is it really to the extent of these newest memories... or even the older ones? Am I sure I'm DID? Maybe I just have a great imagination. Maybe I'm a fabulous liar.
I expected therapist to roll her eyes at me like she does (playfully) when I am being irrational. It doesn't change the way I feel, but I can recognize that she disagrees with my thinking and work to understand where the disconnect within me is. Today, though, therapist just looked at me with sadness in her eyes. She said this is what trauma does. Trauma blurs everything and has you questioning your reality. It's so true. I can't tell what is truth and what may be me just filling in gaps. Therapist says I don't have to tease out every little detail and run it through the microscope of fact or fiction. She's confident after 5 years of working together that I wouldn't make stuff up just for the sake of making things up. I wish I had her same confidence.
I wish I could explain why it feel so important to me to know every detail is the truth.... to know I can fully be believed b/c I believe myself. One of the biggest fears that I still hold is being disproved by my abuser. What if he comes around and proves my accusations false? What if he can poke enough holes in my story to prove that I'm a liar? What if my entire life for the past 12 years has been a continuous lie I've created for myself? And what kind of person creates their own hell on earth and perpetually keeps themself there?
Trauma or no trauma. Abuse history or none... It sucks to feel my reality being shaken so drastically again. Mentally I understand this is part of the process. More parts other than A. are starting to express feeling and memories, and it's just shaking things up internally a lot. So much so that I don't feel like I'm doing a great job expressing myself tonight.
This is for sure rough, but I still feel very blessed. I'm not struggling with any major self-injury impulses, not every moment of every day is horrible, and my God is continuing to sustain me in ways I never expected. This road is not and will not be easy, but I know the end of this journey does exist and it will be totally worth it!
Brave,
ReplyDeleteBut of course you'd be feeling this way, because I am too! lol
No, seriously, I completely understand where you are coming from. Having known you for as long as I have, I can offer my own reassurance, but ultimately, I think that questioning and denying at this point is only natural. Remember, your first and oldest coping mechanism was to deny, deny, deny. With new memories coming up, it's to be expected that this would be the internal response. My t always says that we'll lay all of the pieces on the table, and in the end the picture will be complete and whatever doesn't fit will fall away naturally. But I do know that it's pretty darn difficult to sustain a lie over 12 years with this kind of consistency - especially with breaks in remembering. New layers sometimes trigger up new denials. Be kind to yourself(ves) and thank you for posting, because I needed to hear this, too. I'm always here for you, k?
Love you!
This is soooo normal (although I get how frustrating it is!) I don't know, but it may help to remind yourself that denial was what kept you safe/helped you cope/enabled you to survive for a time and so had a really important function. I'm sure you know this already!
ReplyDeleteI heard someone say recently that the way she deals with denial is not to engage in the argument but remind herself of why the denial is there in the first place. She kind of side-steps the issue by asking why she is having the argument rather than trying to win it.