Friday, March 25, 2011

A new wall goes up

Yesterday in therapy, I was telling therapist that it felt like there was a ton going on in my head - parts running this way and that way - and it felt pretty organized. I also told her that I wasn't able to see what was going on in my head - like it was being blocked from my view. I was having some anxiety about it yesterday, but therapist and I were both hoping I was overreacting... that it would turn out to be nothing...

Well, it's definitely not nothing. I'm not saying it's the end of the world. I don't know. This could have a relatively easy solution, but I have no clue right now. All I know is that in the past 24 hours, a massive wall made of stone has been built internally separating me and a few other parts from the rest. It appears to be soundproof, and I haven't found a way over or around the wall yet. Those left on this side of the wall are those of us who "run our external life" on a daily basis. It appears as though everyone else has voluntarily gone or possibly been forced to go to the other side of the wall.

I find myself in a mixed space. On one hand, I can think a lot more clearly right now than I've been able to in weeks, and I'm not feeling overwhelmed by any feelings or memories. This is nice. On the other hand, when things like this happen, it's usually followed by a wild and tumultuous ride. So far we've survived them all, so I have hope for this one too, but that feeling of dread coupled with not knowing exactly what or when something will happen or how easy or difficult it may be is rather anxiety provoking. I hate being left in the dark!

Yesterday I was telling therapist how I am learning that I do just have to sit and wait with this stuff. I can't make anyone share, process, or heal any faster than what they choose. I had a lot more control the first 'go round when we were primarily dealing with my stuff even though I didn't realize it then. Dealing with memories and feelings that aren't originally mine but belong to another part of me is a whole new ballgame... new rules to learn apparently... and one of the biggest of those is patience. I've gotten used to attacking issues head on, and these I cannot until the one holding them chooses to share.

So for now, I'm going to try and enjoy my weekend. If nothing has changed by Monday afternoon, I'll talk to therapist about it and get her opinions. Going to do my best not to push anything for now. Maybe letting everyone be for a few days and leaving this new wall as is for now is the best way I can be helpful.

I swear sometimes understanding my brain is like trying to find your way through a maze in the dark with no flashlight.

No comments:

Post a Comment